My entitled dd 18

[Confusedby1]

My DD is 18 and so entitled its insane. Finished 6th form. Got a job and quit within 2 months. It was only temp anyway. However she's now refusing to work. She's on the spectrum so we choose what battles to have as it's never worth thr fallout. However things hit boiling point this weekend. She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs. She's defensive and won't just speak to us. It turns into a argument over how we are the worst people on the world. She cooks at all hours and leaves everything on the counter... it is really taking its toll on me. Anyway as I said. The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere... nows She's gone to stay with a friend and their family. Saying god knows what. (Her sense of reality is like a movie) I'm just at a loss... was I too hard... should I just give her time. It's Christmas and I'm broken hearted. I've cried non stop since she left. She won't answer calls or messages. But I know she's safe. Please can anyone tell me this will get better. I'm not sure what to be doing.

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My brother is on the spectrum. In his case he is low enough down to use it and manipulate our mum. She now recognises this, but previously she would pander not wanting the fall out but in his case we realised the fact he was reacting and getting defensive meant he knew when he was wrong, so in those situations we stuck to our guns. It was awful for a bit, but he now lives on his own and is self employed (he clashed with too many employers).

Obviously each case is different. But don't let her get away with tantrums just because she is on the spectrum, obviously you know your daughter and her levels of understanding etc so this may not be relevant. But by sticking with it, and going through this sh*tyy time, you are not an awful parents, you are exploring her capabilities and limits and actually doing her a credit.

Sometimes it takes staying with another family for our older children to appreciate home. Our older kids understood that they have to follow our approach and respect our ground rules to live with us as young adults. It’s natural for them to rail against your views, ways, and approach. But you have to stand firm. It’s your house and your resources they are using so it’s your rules in their family home. If they don’t follow the rules then explain where the front door is. And it’s not our job as parents to bring them up to live in the family home as adults that’s failing them our job is to help them become independent contributors to society. Your daughter will be back when she realises how good it was at home but this time, you shower them with love and welcome them in on your terms only. Otherwise it’s not doing them or you any good.

I'm sorry but it is absolutely not fantastic that she wants to join the police. Your empathy with her daughter is totally clouding your judgment. OP's daughter is incapable of conducting herself acceptably in a low stress environment where everyone panders to her whims and even in that environment has violent outbursts when things don't go her way. How do you think she would act if she was arresting someone and they fought back and spat at her or physically resisted them arresting her? It would be a disaster. She also doesn't sound like she would be able to cope with working a mix of different shift times or with the discipline and authority of having to do as your seniors tell you. I'm sorry to be harsh but it's a terrible idea. I'm not saying autistic people can't have meaningful careers but this idea is clearly a terrible fit for the individual in question. She loves computer games so maybe she could target something in that industry instead? Ideally something where she can work autonomously as much as possible where her violent meltdowns are less likely to be triggered.

Massive sympathy for you OP and the rest of your family too, whole situation sounds stressful AF but I don't think you've done anything wrong at all and I think you've been doing your best in a deeply stressful situation and the tough love stance you are taking now is appropriate.x

I agree strongly with Rose. Not sure what you've taken from the OPs posts, but I don't see anything there which would make her a good fit for the police.

Stick to your guns. If she wants to come home then she keeps normal hours and looks for a job or further education. If you let her continue to live as she is then you are enabling her and setting her up to lead a dysfunctional life.

Well done on asking her to leave and not putting up with this.

I should have mentioned that I've done so many parenting (turned out to be parenting for NT kids only) and ASD related courses over the years. But there's not a lot of support that actually helps DD apart from what we do, and we can't do enough.

Don't you worry about the friends family that she's staying with OP? Have you reached out to them? I hope you have at least offered them money to cover your dds food.

I think ill informed but blunt bordering on nasty is pretty common on here, certainly on some boards.

i’m definitely ill informed on this, so I’m not offering advice, there’s a lot of good stuff already, I just really felt for you as a parent in a challenging situation trying to do the best thing.

you’ve got this

I'm PDA autistic and would have run away from home if my mother had behaved like this.

Been there with our 20 year old ASD daughter.
We have her a time scale. She had the summer off after 6th form and then had to look and apply for jobs. If she didn't get one, that was ok but she had to apply. I underestimated how hard and anxiety inducing this was going to be. She did get something but hated it. We explained to her she could leave if she found another job. We thought she would go to uni, she's highly intelligent. But she did find something she wanted and liked and is very good at. But the arguments were epic, the house was awful. We sat her down in the end, and just explained we couldn't live like that, it wasn't fair on anyone including her younger sister. We explained what we needed and she explained what she wanted. We wrote it down.
Right now she's likely anxious and overwhelmed. Suddenly being an adult, with all that comes with. No routine of school or daily life.
Also on my way experience ASD kids are about 3-4 years behind their peers socially and emotionally. Therefore, think of her like you have just taken all routines and school from a 14 year old and told her to behave like an adult.
It will get better, and in the meantime there's loads of support out there.

I have been in this situation with my 2 daughters one was 16 and the other 14 at the time. They were always carrying on about the rules that I was implying, I don't think their raging hormones helped. I was quite simply fed up of them leaving mess all over and staying up until all hours at night then not getting up the next day. Their attitude towards me was disgusting. I said to them one day "if you don't like the rules go and live with your dad" they then packed their stuff and left. It hurt so much that they would do that considering their dad hadn't really been in their life. Anyway a few months down the line, they were both back. Turned out living with their dad wasn't that great after all. And their attitude towards me has totally changed, they are actually more considerate and help around the house. It was rough at the time, made me feel like a bad mum but it was certainly a lesson they needed to learn. I hope things work soon 🥰

This. Absolutely this. So many ND young adults struggle with this transitional time and aren’t ready for adult responsibility at the same rate as their neurotypical peers, and that shows up in different ways depending on the young person. Even if they don’t have co-existing learning difficulties or cognitive impairments. I feel like most posters on this thread don’t fully understand this. It’s not about lowering expectations necessarily, but our expectations of autistic young adults just can’t be exactly the same. It’s often not what families want to hear, but it’s a reality nonetheless.

Change the password for the wifi amd dont tell her. Then at whatever time you go to bed disable it or change it, I did this with my son, never gave him the night password which i changed at 10pm each night, he soon sorted himself out

Posting a quick reply on here as I’m out and not read the whole thread, but the Facebook group Parenting Mental Health have been a godsend for me and my teen DS with ASD. Good luck!

Thank you so much. We said the same, we gave her the summer and it was Ict she got the job but hated it. Stayed until about end of Nov ish. We gave her time to find alternative work. Even just part time for now to ease into it. We had her a job without even getting an interview but she said no and said "would you work there" (we have worked in similar )

Let her come back to you.
Don't beg, and when she comes back (she will have to soon enough) set your house rules. If she wants to stay and use your electricity and wifi she sticks to them.
She will never get a job gaming all hours so I would turn the wifi off when you go to bed.
You are paying for everything, so she currently has no need to get a job.

I hear you. I have a 14 year old autistic daughter you’ve described to a t. Big hugs 🤗

I said you YABU because you need to stop the crying and trying to contact her. Like you said, she is somewhere safe AND she is 18. She is abusing your care and taking you for granted. Stick to your guns. It is her who will come looking for you when her df eventually churns her out, that's if she displays the same behaviour there that she has at home.

I also agree with PP that some people with ASD can mature a little later.

I certainly found that my DB was mid 20s before he was able to hold down a course of study and living on his own.

At 18 he was like a young teenager and took several false starts at jobs and courses.

I don’t think you are going to manage a transformation if you say “these are the rules” but don’t be so glad she is back that you go back to as it was before.

I think she needs a routine, but start with avoiding stresses/arguments /pressure to get a job. So she has to get up in morning and internet is disconnected at night.

If I was 18, slept all day, knew my parents were fed up with me, failed at keeping a job, gamed all night, wasn’t sure whether I will “succeed” at anything, lived like a slob, I’d feel awful but I don’t think I’d admit it.

Of course it depends on her/your family but I would try to regularly have small positives for her, as in when you are in the moment and something is good, tell her immediately. Not her appearance. But any efforts or compliance on her part. Anything at all that is genuine and keep it up even if she ignores you.

Like a 14 year old I’d be making food/expecting eating at regular times. Gently splitting up chores “which do you prefer to do” etc

I wouldn’t apply for anything for her. I’d bring things to her but leave it for her to instigate. I’d try to be very much on her side about rejections. “Well done for trying” “what’s next?” “You are able to do it, they probably wanted x, y and z. You are able to get x, y and z” “what do you think about this etc”

To private message click on the 3 dots below OP’s post and you will get the option to DM, (direct message) OP

Saw this recently and thought immediately of this thread

If you find a quiet ten minutes with her OP, get her to draw a circle within a circle and in the inner circle to write down all the things she can control.

In the outer one have her write down all the things she can't control.

It will really give you an insight into how her brain works, and is a springboard for helping her to feel less like she's on a broken rollercoaster headed nowhere.

I recently took early retirement but prior to that I was Head of Recruitment for a large police service for 20 years. Does she really understand what being a police officer entails? . If she’s not a graduate entrant, we would usually only recruit people who have several years work experience in some sort of customer facing role. She will need to remain calm in some very testing situations and work closely with a team of people of different ages.

From your description of your DD this is really not the job for her

Sounds so difficult for you. I couldn't deal with this either, especially being kept awake. Don't want to teach you to suck eggs, and imagine you already see that the approach to a child, even older, who is Autistic is never going to work if it's the typical parenting approach to NT kids. Just being 'tough' and 'discipline' rarely works.
Have you heard of PDA? Often closely associated with autism. There are some really good groups online/ FB. The approach has to be totally different to just putting your foot down. You have the right to set boundaries that are non negotiable but it won't be the same in this situation. The PDA groups give good advice ref collaboration with your child/teen, getting to the reason for the problems ( always a reason - sensory, demand avoidance,control etc)

Is it an option to look at helping her move out to her own place nearby? Might she be able to manage that and could it improve things possibly.
Hope things all calm down soon x