My entitled dd 18

[Confusedby1]

My DD is 18 and so entitled its insane. Finished 6th form. Got a job and quit within 2 months. It was only temp anyway. However she's now refusing to work. She's on the spectrum so we choose what battles to have as it's never worth thr fallout. However things hit boiling point this weekend. She sleeps until 7pm and get up when we go to bed to play on the PC and the noise levels are insane. Meaning the rest of us get ZERO sleep or survive on 2 to 4 hrs. She's defensive and won't just speak to us. It turns into a argument over how we are the worst people on the world. She cooks at all hours and leaves everything on the counter... it is really taking its toll on me. Anyway as I said. The shit hit the fan on Sunday and we gave her the ultimatum of getting a job or look.tp live elsewhere... nows She's gone to stay with a friend and their family. Saying god knows what. (Her sense of reality is like a movie) I'm just at a loss... was I too hard... should I just give her time. It's Christmas and I'm broken hearted. I've cried non stop since she left. She won't answer calls or messages. But I know she's safe. Please can anyone tell me this will get better. I'm not sure what to be doing.

This.

I feel your pain. Been there and done that. My youngest was a monster, you name it she did it and was violent towards myself on many an occasion. She is also classed as venerable. However she uses this to manipulate and bully, but she has a high eq. We ended up throwing her out and it was so painful for us. After a month (ymca) she made contact as it wasnt as easy as she had imagined and the same things happened again after a few weeks, so she was asked to leave again. We have always supported her from afar ever since but never let her back in the house. She has got herself a job, a flat, and has now at the age of 21 sorted herself out. We had to be as hard as nails and it killed me, but it was the best thjbg we could have done for her. She would have destroyed the family and our marriage if she had stayed. You did the right thing. Stay strong its hard. But if you dont she will make you ill both mentally and physically. Good luck stay strong.

I’m no expert. Far far from it.
Both my younger brother and my husbands younger brother behaved just like this.
Both ruled the roost.
Both terrorised our respective parents.
Both are now middle aged.
Neither have ever worked.
We both feel that “tough love” when they left full time education would have resulted in a totally different (and much better) life for all of us. Good luck.

Agreed (ex police here too). OP also describes DD as “a pathological liar” 🫤

Gets better then gets worse ad infinitum, (figuratively obvs). Best advice ever? Silicone ear plugs from Boots. Enough to stop hearing gaming or TV but not stop the shrill of the smoke alarm. Oh just thought head phones for her ! Shit soz , forgot she was 18 and you’ve already thought of that …

Hi you were not too hard it's tough love. I'm having a similar situation with my 19 years old. She's severe introvert not argumentative or up all night though she will help around the home and with her siblings. But I'm seriously concerned as she won't look for work she can't speak with people she doesn't know, she's so nervous it's really sad I have tried everything including therapy nothing has helped she likes to live in a bubble locked away no friends or anything I'm at a loss. I did manage to get her to apply for UC and explain her diagnosis or anxiety and depression but I think she's dyspraxia also.
But apparently UC can work with you now helping etc. But I'm at the point where I'm thinking cruel to be kind but how I don't know. I'm sure that your daughter will come around once she's seen reality she won't be able to behave that way at her friends x

Hello OP, your post made me so sad whilst at the same time so relieved. I have 4 kids and 3 of them are autistic (and 2 have ADHD). So I fully understand where you're coming from - read on please. My eldest 2 are both at university, but DD1 (went to a special needs school) wanted to have a gap year before starting. I assumed this meant travelling and working around Europe/World. Ummm No, it was one month, so by September she was back home. We'd already set some ground rules (phew) that anyone not in full time education has to have a job. So she continued her weekend job at a shop, converting into a part-time role. I promptly started charging her rent - not because we need the money, more that I'm determined all my kids will be as financially aware as I can get them. OMG, she was outraged! We were changing her (3 years ago) a whole £30.00 a week! For which she got; all washing/ironing done, free food most often cooked for her and presented to her on a plate, free tidying, heat, electricity, numerous TV Chanels, wifi etc. Anyway she threatened to move out so I told her to try. I also listed the price (with each bit broken down) that I could rent her room out for with all the washing/cleaning/heat/wifi etc. She didn't move out. My point is more that you've decided to make a stand and good on you. But, in my experience (which is limited) if you crumble now all that she will have learnt is that major drama = major result. The biggest issue is who she's staying with. Can't make my mind up wether this is your issue, or the parent of the friend's issue. Not sure what to say to this. Just glad we had most of our blow ups at a younger age.

I had similar with my daughter. She was an absolute cow. After she squared up to me whilst drunk with her best also drunk mate her dad intervened.

They we’re arguing on the stairs and the silly arse slipped and banged her lip and cut it. I’d had enough, opened the door and grabbed both by the hair and threw them out and told them not to come back.

Just under a week later the police came to our house to arrest my husband. The pair of drunken little bitches had reported him for assault! We were getting ready for a Xmas night out with friends and had just moved into our new house that day, I had a dye on my hair at the time, so stressful.

I’d taken pictures of the bottles of booze they’d drank and showed them to the police, it was awful. My husband stepped in front of our daughter as I have M.S and struggle with muscle strength, I explained this to the police. They’ve seen it all before, my husband even had a cut and bruise on his nose where she’d thumped him, but we didn’t go to the police to press charges. Fortunately the CPS didn’t want to prosecute, thank god.

I was fuming, I couldn’t speak to her for weeks. She said she’d have dropped the charges if the CPS decided the case was viable, I explained to her that it’s out of her hands once they’re involved, silly girl.

Her change in behaviour was a mixture of hormones and getting in with a crowd of teenagers whose parents didn’t give a fig about what their kids were doing. I was always the only parent that was sober enough to collect them if they couldn’t get a taxi from the nightclubs (don’t drink due to M.S)

We did eventually let her come home but we laid the law down. My husband and myself stuck together, there was no way we were going to sacrifice our marriage for an entitled little shit.

Back to the hormonal bit. She’d been to the Drs several times over the years as she was crucified every month with her periods. When she was 14 we paid privately, I explained that I’d had endometriosis and I thought she had the same condition. I was told outright she was far too young. Fast forward to the age of 21, anaemic, under weight, bleeding constantly, even though on the pill, and in severe pain. Paid privately again for laparoscopy to find she was covered in endometriosis and had a rare condition called a unicornuate uterus (half a uterus) and the other non formed half was called a rudimentary horn that constantly bled in her pelvis.

Fast forward again to age of 27 and she is now waiting for a bed to become available for a hysterectomy, it’s that bad. We look back at the teenage years as she was suffering physically and lashing out as she didn’t know how to cope with such pain and being told by one G.P she was a over exaggerating. Her head of year wouldn’t let her come home on one occasion even though she’d collapsed on the bathroom floor. His reason was her monthly attendance was below a certain percentage. We had a phone call every month when she was off due to period pain. My husband stormed into school, carried her out and brought her home. Nobody challenged him, he’s 6’ 2” and well built and had what I call his Paddington bear stare face on 😱

I invited them to come to our house and have a look at her mattress that resembled a butchers block, crude I know. I also threatened them with the governors if they kept on harassing me every piggin month.

So for us there was a lot of pent up anger in our daughter and we copped for it. Now she can’t believe we still speak to her. We’ve all been through the mill. It’s absolutely horrendous when you’re in the middle of it. You’re not being cruel, you have to protect yourselves, we couldn’t get away with this kind of behaviour so why should they. You will get through this. Because I can’t drink and don’t smoke I felt I’d got no outlet for the stress. I discovered that going for a drive playing Plan B really loud and screaming worked wonders, highly recommended, although Plan B isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

you will look back on this one day and think what was that all about, and how did we survive it, you just do. Your husband and yourself need to stick together, because when these little arseholes grow up an behave themselves they haven’t wrecked your relationship.

I wish you all the best, and you are absolutely doing the right thing. Try to enjoy yourselves (same time of year as our daughter kicked off) It will get better eventually, I promise you, x

Things have changed. I've just had a text from her to stop asking her friend is she okay as she's not staying there anymore. She refuses to speak to me or say where she is. She has stopped replying and deleted me.off social media. WTF do I do now. I'm absolutely heartbroken she hasn't been home yet. She's NEVER stayed away from us this long. At what point do we get police involved if we don't know where she is. Will they even want to get involved if she's an adult. Missing or not?

You can ask the police to conduct a welfare check as she’s vulnerable and hasn’t done this before. They may be able to confirm she’s safe, even if she doesn’t want them to tell you where she is.

Thank you so much

Do you know what percentage of autistics are in stable employment? What support is in place for her?

*autistic adults

Wish this stupid fucking jumping around would stop

You've got more than autism going on there. That behaviour is down right anti-social, which is what we used to call psychopathy.

Stop pleading her. Stop doing anything. She's made her decision to leave and she clearly enjoys hurting you. Stop reacting to her. She's eighteen and clearly thinks she knows it all, so let her find out.

So she’s already moved on from one friend.

The police welfare check is a good idea. She may have presented as homeless to the council although I’m not sure how helpful they will be as she is intentionally homeless. So the other alternative is sofa surfing which is unlikely to last very long over Christmas or long term if she refuses to work.

does she have access to money?

I'd call the friend/their parents tomorrow and check. Saying this and the social media block is another way to punish you as she knows you'll worry more.

As a PP said also request a welfare check as she is vulnerable.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know its absolutely awful as I have been through similar with my own DD, although she is NT. I know it's hard but once you've done the above, try and stop messaging her. Or limit yourself to once a day.

You won't stop worrying, it won't stop being a nightmare, but you're giving her space, and you need to rest and get on with your day.
It took me ages to stop calling and messaging - but I was only torturing myself. My DD didn't give a shit about me being worried at the time.

You've every right to have rules in your home, unless she lives on her own there are rules and considerations everywhere.

I hope things get better for you op

She will be lucky to get in the Police at 18 with no previous employment history, and if she reacts like this to situations then she will last 15 seconds in the job. It's a uniformed organisation with a rank structure based on discipline and respect.

They want a bit of life experience and do follow up employer references. I was 28 with a retail customer services background and I was used to being shouted at. You can do the paper sift for her but once it comes to assessment centres she's on her own and it will show. If successful she will see things she never thought real or even possible and will deal with trauma (other peoples and then likely her own) on a daily basis. Some of the incidents I've dealt with will stay with me forever and I'm great at compartmentalising and switching off. It's definitely not all blue lights and catching burglars, if only it was.

There are cops with ASD and they do cope, and bring their own skill set, but It's a job like no other and you've got to be able to deal with it.

I have a sneaking suspicion she’s still with her friend but her friend was tired of your messages so she is just telling you what you need to hear to get off her friend’s back. She can’t couch surf forever. All this because she wants to play computer games all night long and destroy your kitchen? Lol She’s just throwing a big teenage tantrum. The truth is she wants to go back to her selfish lifestyle of gaming and messy lifestyle. Does that sound like someone who would rough it out in the streets midwinter?

Nope. She will throw in the towel soon.

Stop throwing out diagnoses you aren’t in a position to give, that’s really irresponsible. Random armchair diagnosis, especially of something highly stigmatising like psychopathy, is not likely to contribute towards solving this problem. The OP’s daughter may well struggle with cognitive empathy, ie understanding how her mum may be feeling when she says she’s moved on from her friend’s house and won’t say where she is because she is AUTISTIC, not a psychopath. She is saying/doing what she thinks she needs to do to achieve the outcome she wants and does not necessarily realise “this will make mum worry”. As an autistic person, I have often had intent ascribed to me that was not there by neurotypical people who simply do not understand how I think and process.

OP, please do not listen to uninformed shit like this. Agree with those who have said welfare check, ease your mind that she’s safe, then try to resist pleading or negotiating with her to come home, as the cycle will begin all over again. Then think about the boundaries that you need to set at home if at some stage she does get tired of this (likely she will) and wants to come back, and thinking about reasonable expectations for an autistic young adult living at home, who yes, may chronologically be 18, but emotionally younger. Part of the issue here is that you both have unreasonable expectations - you expect she’ll behave and develop like a NT young adult, she expects to do whatever she wants all the time. Neither of these positions are reasonable or sustainable.

My cousin's daughter sounds a little like yours. When she banged out of the house after an argument she literally went non contact for a while which was upsetting. But my cousin stuck to her guns. A job or at least voluntary work was non negotiable. She had to sign on + make a financial contribution to the household. No smoking inside the house. Headphones for music etc. Agreed chores like everyone else. Monster arguments at the time but now it is mostly fine. She still doesn't see other people's views and is frightened and angry if confronted. But has been comforted by clear house rules and sticks to them. Working at a job she likes and completed further training. Good luck my dear

Her friend’s family will get sick of her, so enjoy the silence while it lasts. I would contact Adult services and let them know that her coming home would make it an unsafe environment for your youngest child. Contact the friend’s parents and let them know what is happening and why, thank them for their kindness and remind them that they are under no obligation to house your DD.

Let this low point be the catalyst for change, if she comes home now without changes, she will just revert back to type. The authorities and your DD need to know that you can no longer continue as you have been.

You haven’t failed your DD, you are human and unfortunately we have a system that has failed and is failing your DD. Standing firm is supporting her because she is now an adult because she can’t expect that the attention afforded her when she was a child will remain the same.

Higher education or job, those are the minimum requirements for remaining under the same roof as the rest of you.

Quick question, do the posters who encourage tough love etc. have experience with parenting ASD teens? Does 'tough love' work with Aspergers kids?

I suspect most of these advocates of “tough love” are neurotypical and don’t have autistic kids.

The answer is, yes, it can “work” - if your parenting style was more authoritarian from the start. The downside of authoritarian parenting is that it encourages masking and compliance over and above anything else, and may lead to autistic burnout and breakdowns later in life. It doesn’t always teach actual independence and autonomy because it’s more about obedience. It’s damn near impossible to go “tough love” after not raising your autistic kid that way though.

Clear boundaries - absolutely. Natural consequences as opposed to punishment. And a neurodiversity affirmative environment that balances understanding of and adjustment for neuro-difference with reasonable expectations and boundaries for all in the household.

Some people's tough love is other people's boundaries.

Oh my goodness, how I feel for you. My daughter is also on the spectrum but wasn’t diagnosed until a few months ago (she’s now 28). I had/have a hugely volatile relationship with her. She actually did the same thing, I’m going to stay with a friend and her family after completing her A-levels as our relationship was so bad. The thing is you tiptoe around them because she was so terrifying to be around, but actually it doesn’t do anyone any favours. I was terrified of her, I still am actually. And just because she’s on the spectrum doesn’t mean she can’t understand the logic and the difference between right and wrong so you need to leave her where she is let her approach you if she wants to come back, and as others have said, give her groundrules take the PlayStation away and stick to your guns as this must be so awful for you my heart breaks for you as I understand completely how you feel