Page 4 | Can't cope with constant intrusion by new neighbour

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 2022-12-18T19:56:11+00:00

Earlier thread below for context and latest missive from neighbour. I was not feeling well yesterday and went to bed. When I got up I went out to a friend's house to watch Strictly, a film and chat. I left 2.30am and had to scrape the windscreen. Home in the wee small hours and went to bed. Neighbour had texted me saying she'd come to ask me to move my car because it was in the way. It wasn't and as I went out it was immaterial anyway. Today I get another text from her about me allegedly banging my door. I do not slam doors. I arrived home in the early hours and closed the door of course but I don't slam it. She told me when she moved in that her neighbours slammed the doors. It's odd that the common denominator is her. I've lived here for years and since she moved here in September I'm anxious all the time. I think she thrives on attention so I'm not replying to her. Apart from being considerate with noise what would you do? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4661796-next-door-neighbour-and-normal-volume-of-household-noise-sorry-a-bit-of-a-saga?page=5&reply=122372236

Stunningscreamer · 18/12/2022 23:42

I have come across people like your neighbour. They are looking for things to find to complain about. I think it makes them feel more powerful. If you give in to it they do it even more.

Just refuse to get into conversations. 'Can't stop to talk, see you another time'. 'Oh neighbour, I can't agree with you. See you.' Don't reply to texts or even read them. If she persists then pull out the harassment card but the less you engage the better.

One of them I had to ask to get off my lawn! She stopped after that.

Grimchmas · 18/12/2022 23:43

Three pages saying block her already. Have you don't it yet?

Bluekerfuffle · 18/12/2022 23:44

gamerchick · 18/12/2022 20:41

Always boggles my head that people give their numbers out to neighbours. I havent ever, it's not worth it.

Me too. So many people on MN seem to have their neighbours numbers and be texting back and forth even when they don’t seem to like each other that much. I’ve never been asked for or offered my number to a neighbour either.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 23:49

I've read it all and yes you've turned it down now, but it sounds like you are a bit desensitised to noise in general, so you could be a lot louder than you think you are. There really is nothing worse than a noisy neighbour.

Funny how YOU reckon OP is noisy, but 4 separate sets of neighbours from this same property reckon she isn't.

Curious. So many assumptions, so little acceptance of evidence, so much determination to assert invented 'facts' as if you know more about OP's home life than she, or all her other neighbours do...

LaBellina · 18/12/2022 23:58

OP, take her behavior as a warning. This how bullying from my old neighbor started. Complaining that we slammed the front door too hard and from that moment on complaining that we parked our car too close to their home (there were no designated parking spaces but they claimed the spot in front of their house ‘because we have children and you don’t’) which escalated into full on bullying and harassment. Looking back I should have nipped it in the bud far sooner, the mistake I made was thinking that people can’t possibly be that batshit crazy but unfortunately some are. My advice would be:

block her number and don’t respond to any texts
don’t engage with her, say that you’re busy and move on
if she has any requests, complaints, whatever, she can put a note in your mailbox, don’t tell her that, let her figure that out by herself.
keep a log of any attempts of her to contact you and gather evidence if you can

If you can establish a pattern of harassment, report it to the council / police asap.
Whatever you do, don’t engage directly with her and don’t show any emotions.
Don’t play along with her games.

Good luck.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 00:08

Who the earth sends their neighbour a note when the car door wakes them at 3am?
God alive what does she want OP to do ?
Climb out of the boot? Come and sing her to sleep?
😂😂😂

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 00:15

LaBellina · 18/12/2022 23:58

OP, take her behavior as a warning. This how bullying from my old neighbor started. Complaining that we slammed the front door too hard and from that moment on complaining that we parked our car too close to their home (there were no designated parking spaces but they claimed the spot in front of their house ‘because we have children and you don’t’) which escalated into full on bullying and harassment. Looking back I should have nipped it in the bud far sooner, the mistake I made was thinking that people can’t possibly be that batshit crazy but unfortunately some are. My advice would be:

block her number and don’t respond to any texts
don’t engage with her, say that you’re busy and move on
if she has any requests, complaints, whatever, she can put a note in your mailbox, don’t tell her that, let her figure that out by herself.
keep a log of any attempts of her to contact you and gather evidence if you can

If you can establish a pattern of harassment, report it to the council / police asap.
Whatever you do, don’t engage directly with her and don’t show any emotions.
Don’t play along with her games.

Good luck.

THIS - & you certainly need to block, but DON'T block until you have sent her a firm & clear warning that any more intrusion from her will be considered harassment. Because if you need to consult the police at any stage, they will need for you to have clarly communicated that before they cxan do anything for you, Have a chat with your cop pal about it, she'll clarify.

You've got enough PP suggestions to cobble together a message that you feel happy sending. Whatever verson you send - BE FIRM. No pussyfooting, no please, no sorry, no nothing except laying out that she has crossed a line.

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/12/2022 06:40

Bluekerfuffle · 18/12/2022 23:44

Me too. So many people on MN seem to have their neighbours numbers and be texting back and forth even when they don’t seem to like each other that much. I’ve never been asked for or offered my number to a neighbour either.

Show quote history

I have two neighbours' numbers. One is a friend around the corner I have known since I moved in 15 years ago. She's fed the cats for me and we are friends.

The second is this woman. I gave her my number as a kneejerk reaction the following morning after she knocked on my door at 11.15 pm in her night attire to say the TV was loud and I felt guilty. I gave her the number in case she needed to get in touch about anything in future. I didn't anticipate all this.

Oversharing, personal questions, asking me if I swear, constantly going on in conversation where she's doorstepped me about being quiet, messaging when she's taken in parcels, repetitive conversation about the same thing, telling me how she likes to keep herself to herself and 'doesn't do the neighbour thing' but then saying how well in with all the neighbours she is, and now this.

OP posts:

liarliarshortsonfire · 19/12/2022 07:12

I think it's time to have a stern word with her op. You've been more than accommodating and it sounds like the noise you make, is normal household noises. Carry on as normal. You're allowed to vacuum when you want, or watch the telly (at an acceptable level) and leave the house whilst shutting and not slamming doors.

Next time she says anything or texts simply respond back with 'please stop contacting me about normal household noises, I've been more than accommodating over the months/years since you've moved in. The noises from my house are normal, household noises, and not excessive. Please only use my number in the case of a real emergency'

If she contacts you again, tell her to contact environmental health if she has an issue and then block her number.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 07:27

Oversharing, personal questions, asking me if I swear, constantly going on in conversation where she's doorstepped me about being quiet, messaging when she's taken in parcels, repetitive conversation about the same thing, telling me how she likes to keep herself to herself and 'doesn't do the neighbour thing' but then saying how well in with all the neighbours she is, and now this

Walk away, don't answer, what the fuck's it to you if I swear, can I just stop you there, put private instructions on delivery options that they are NOT to be delivered to number [hers], stop listening & walk off, shut the door on her face, ignore her.

You are making the rookie error of treating this slightly deranged & grotesquely intrusive woman if she is a reasonable person, & expecting a reasonable response in return. You have to treat her like the unexploded bomb she is. Let her keep ticking away to herself while you calmly Grey Rock her & go about your business. Her opinions & demands are NOT your responsibility to deal with. Stop allowing her to think they are.

One short sharp shock by message as along the lines suggested upthread, to break her notion that she's entitled to bully you. Then Grey Rock all the way, interspersed with "oh DO sod off with these insane demands" or "go & complain about me to somebody else because I'm not interested" when you feel necessary. To continue the ticking nbomb analogy - the sharper comments are for when you can feel the bomb's about to go off again - effectively, they are there to "cut the wires" long enough for you to make a swift getaway & shut the door on her.

JRHartley72 · 19/12/2022 08:00

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 23:49

I've read it all and yes you've turned it down now, but it sounds like you are a bit desensitised to noise in general, so you could be a lot louder than you think you are. There really is nothing worse than a noisy neighbour.

Funny how YOU reckon OP is noisy, but 4 separate sets of neighbours from this same property reckon she isn't.

Curious. So many assumptions, so little acceptance of evidence, so much determination to assert invented 'facts' as if you know more about OP's home life than she, or all her other neighbours do...

Or perhaps the four sets of neighbours didn't want to complain because they knew they were moving out anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm not making assumptions, I'm offering an alternative viewpoint based on what I'm reading. Isn't that the point of AIBU?

In previous posts, OP admitted to hoovering at 9pm, putting washes on at 6am and having the TV cranked up loud (before you jump in, OP, yes, you said it was just the once, but we only have your word for that). My point is this suggests OP could be desensitised to noise impact on others, if she never stops to think whether it's appropriate to hoover that late a few times a week or put a wash on a spin cycle when people might still be asleep. We don't know what kind of houses these are but noise like this can travel.

There are many threads on MN are from women saying their lives are being hell by noisy NDN and they are encouraged to stand up for themselves. This woman brings it up and she's called bat-shit crazy and deranged by posters for doing so, when we've only got OP's take on the situation. It's vile, frankly.

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/12/2022 08:16

@JRHartley72 You're way over the top.

The woman has been called batshit by posters for her over sharing, inquisitiveness, questioning of a personal nature such as whether I own or rent the house, my relationship status, if I smoke drink or swear, telling me all about her exes, previous neighbours and her family who she called arseholes and bitches. All within the first two weeks of moving here. But you only have my word for that. As you only have her word that I'm a noisy neighbour don't you?

OP posts:

JRHartley72 · 19/12/2022 08:19

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/12/2022 08:16

@JRHartley72 You're way over the top.

The woman has been called batshit by posters for her over sharing, inquisitiveness, questioning of a personal nature such as whether I own or rent the house, my relationship status, if I smoke drink or swear, telling me all about her exes, previous neighbours and her family who she called arseholes and bitches. All within the first two weeks of moving here. But you only have my word for that. As you only have her word that I'm a noisy neighbour don't you?

So block her. Grey rock any attempt of conversation. Take the advice you've been given over and over again instead of posting repeated threads that encourage vile name calling and denigration of another woman.

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/12/2022 08:22

@JRHartley72 It's a row of terraces. I'm in the middle. Nobody on either side has ever complained about noise in 15 years.

The rental property this woman is in has had young couples in who have moved to larger property that they bought. None of those reasons are to do with me.

OP posts:

sunglassesonthetable · 19/12/2022 08:25

So block her. Grey rock any attempt of conversation. Take the advice you've been given over and over again instead of posting repeated threads that encourage vile name calling and denigration of another woman.

interests me why you're so keen to support 'the neighbour' you have no connection with and take their side over the OP who you are having a conversation with.

You can choose to to take the word of either and you choose to take the word of the other person and presume the OP has got it wrong.

Funny.

sunglassesonthetable · 19/12/2022 08:26

You even suppose people who didn't complain only didn't because they moved away first ......

Original poster

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/12/2022 08:27

sunglassesonthetable · 19/12/2022 08:25

So block her. Grey rock any attempt of conversation. Take the advice you've been given over and over again instead of posting repeated threads that encourage vile name calling and denigration of another woman.

interests me why you're so keen to support 'the neighbour' you have no connection with and take their side over the OP who you are having a conversation with.

You can choose to to take the word of either and you choose to take the word of the other person and presume the OP has got it wrong.

Funny.

It is funny. The user name has 72 in and the neighbour just had her 50th ...

OP posts:

sunglassesonthetable · 19/12/2022 08:31

It is funny. The user name has 72 in and the neighbour just had her 50th ...

Tbh the poster seems a lot more articulate than your neighbour in her notes.

JRHartley72 · 19/12/2022 08:32

sunglassesonthetable · 19/12/2022 08:25

So block her. Grey rock any attempt of conversation. Take the advice you've been given over and over again instead of posting repeated threads that encourage vile name calling and denigration of another woman.

interests me why you're so keen to support 'the neighbour' you have no connection with and take their side over the OP who you are having a conversation with.

You can choose to to take the word of either and you choose to take the word of the other person and presume the OP has got it wrong.

Funny.

It's not about supporting the NDN! Again, for the hard of reading, I'm just offering a different opinion based on all the threads, which OP did insist everyone must read before daring to form an opinion. Hoovering at 9pm, putting a washing machine on at 6am, acknowledging the TV was on 24 volume and needed to be turned down. These all suggest OP has a different idea of noise to others. That's all I've been saying all along. Further up the thread I also expressed sympathy for all the other NDN behaviour OP is dealing with and said, like so many others have, that she should block and grey rock.

But I will never support another women being called batshit crazy and deranged. These are terms men use to denigrate women all the time and they are vile.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 08:32

It's amusing that you are so rude & arrogant that you assume OP is a liar whose living habits you understand better than she does.
In previous posts, OP admitted to hoovering at 9pm, putting washes on at 6am and having the TV cranked up loud (before you jump in, OP, yes, you said it was just the once, but we only have your word for that).

For crying out loud there is nothing to "admit", Rumpole of the Bailey.
OP is making normal household noise at reasonable hours.

If MN was about challenging & disbelieving every statement an OP makes about her situation, there would be no discussion or advice, just an endless tedium of cranky twattery, much like your alternative viewpoint unfounded accusations.
It would become entirely populated with posts like -
"aHA! You SAID you drive a Peugot 205 but WE ONLY HAVE YOUR WORD FOR THAT!! Come on, admit it it's a high powered Kawasaki bike, isn't it? Well, ISN'T it? Eh?"

There are many threads on MN are from women saying their lives are being hell by noisy NDN and they are encouraged to stand up for themselves. This woman brings it up and she's called bat-shit crazy and deranged by posters for doing so, when we've only got OP's take on the situation.
Yup. Because when an OP posts, PP respond to the OP - not her neighbour.
Who else's 'take' could there possibly be?
If the neighbour wants MN advice, she can post her own thread, & you can make hay on it.

I'm not making assumptions
😂
See also (paraphrased) -
'I'm not saying OP is lying but'
'OP must be desensitised to noise'
'OP SAYS she closed her door quietly but she's probably wrong about that'
'OP's door must be making a vibration in her neighbour's house that wakes her'

So be off with you now & don't darken my @ again, as I dislike your hectoring tone to an OP who is anxious about a problematic neighbour, & find your constant interrogation of her truthfulness unnecessary & goady.

Can't cope with constant intrusion by new neighbour

JRHartley72 · 19/12/2022 08:33

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/12/2022 08:27

It is funny. The user name has 72 in and the neighbour just had her 50th ...

Show quote history

Ha! I am not your NDN. I have considerate neighbours and I'm in a semi-detached.

sunglassesonthetable · 19/12/2022 08:33

It's not about supporting the NDN! Again, for the hard of reading, I'm just offering a different opinion based on all the threads, which OP did insist everyone must read before daring to form an opinion.

Could have fooled me. And I can read fine.

JRHartley72 · 19/12/2022 08:35

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 08:32

It's amusing that you are so rude & arrogant that you assume OP is a liar whose living habits you understand better than she does.
In previous posts, OP admitted to hoovering at 9pm, putting washes on at 6am and having the TV cranked up loud (before you jump in, OP, yes, you said it was just the once, but we only have your word for that).

For crying out loud there is nothing to "admit", Rumpole of the Bailey.
OP is making normal household noise at reasonable hours.

If MN was about challenging & disbelieving every statement an OP makes about her situation, there would be no discussion or advice, just an endless tedium of cranky twattery, much like your alternative viewpoint unfounded accusations.
It would become entirely populated with posts like -
"aHA! You SAID you drive a Peugot 205 but WE ONLY HAVE YOUR WORD FOR THAT!! Come on, admit it it's a high powered Kawasaki bike, isn't it? Well, ISN'T it? Eh?"

There are many threads on MN are from women saying their lives are being hell by noisy NDN and they are encouraged to stand up for themselves. This woman brings it up and she's called bat-shit crazy and deranged by posters for doing so, when we've only got OP's take on the situation.
Yup. Because when an OP posts, PP respond to the OP - not her neighbour.
Who else's 'take' could there possibly be?
If the neighbour wants MN advice, she can post her own thread, & you can make hay on it.

I'm not making assumptions
😂
See also (paraphrased) -
'I'm not saying OP is lying but'
'OP must be desensitised to noise'
'OP SAYS she closed her door quietly but she's probably wrong about that'
'OP's door must be making a vibration in her neighbour's house that wakes her'

So be off with you now & don't darken my @ again, as I dislike your hectoring tone to an OP who is anxious about a problematic neighbour, & find your constant interrogation of her truthfulness unnecessary & goady.

Is today the day for your creative writing class? That's an impressive piece of nonsense you've just vomited on the page.

I'm out. This has turned into one of those sycophantic threads where the OP can do no wrong. If you don't want people to question your account with good reason, don't post in AIBU.

sunglassesonthetable · 19/12/2022 08:36

These all suggest OP has a different idea of noise to others. That's all I've been saying all along.

What all the other ND neighbours over 15 years?

You keep forgetting them.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 08:36

But I will never support another women being called batshit crazy and deranged. These are terms men use to denigrate women all the time and they are vile.

Just like BUT WE ONLY HAVE YOUR WORD FOR THAT. Which is denigrating & vile.