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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't cope with constant intrusion by new neighbour

407 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/12/2022 19:56

Earlier thread below for context and latest missive from neighbour.

I was not feeling well yesterday and went to bed. When I got up I went out to a friend's house to watch Strictly, a film and chat. I left 2.30am and had to scrape the windscreen. Home in the wee small hours and went to bed.

Neighbour had texted me saying she'd come to ask me to move my car because it was in the way. It wasn't and as I went out it was immaterial anyway.

Today I get another text from her about me allegedly banging my door. I do not slam doors. I arrived home in the early hours and closed the door of course but I don't slam it.

She told me when she moved in that her neighbours slammed the doors. It's odd that the common denominator is her.

I've lived here for years and since she moved here in September I'm anxious all the time.

I think she thrives on attention so I'm not replying to her.

Apart from being considerate with noise what would you do?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4661796-next-door-neighbour-and-normal-volume-of-household-noise-sorry-a-bit-of-a-saga?page=5&reply=122372236

OP posts:
greenhousegal · 18/12/2022 22:15

The only reply I will give is why are you going on and on and on about this. Block her number and get a life.

It is not illegal to do this remember!

If things escalate from her side, deal with that if and when it happens.

ijwmtb · 18/12/2022 22:16

You're escalating a little bit talking about pre-emptive discussions with the police and council before politely asking her to stop! Send her a clear message asking her to stop messaging about noise, then if needed block, then deal with any complaint coming from her if/when it arises.

teacherwithhobby · 18/12/2022 22:28

I have the same problem. Live in an apartment. I live alone, very rarely have guests. I have carpet under all of the furniture, never wear shoes at home, don't have a stereo, only play music on my phone or laptop, not loud. I don't even have a washing machine, only a quiet dishwasher. My downstairs neighbour is never satisfied. I got an aggressive message from her about a year ago, asking me to keep the noise down, after I cleaned my apartment - moving a few pieces of furniture around and sweeping the floors. All within daytime hours. There's no pleasing these people, they will seek to control every aspect of your life to suit them, it's like they have no empathy for the fact that other people have lives too, it's a weird sense of overarching entitlement. After her last message I told her in no uncertain terms to stop harassing me for living normally and quietly in my own apartment. I also made an informal complaint to the police (not in UK) and I suggest you do the equivalent, so her harassment is logged. The soft approach will not work, trust me. The bitch still tries to intimidate me, but I just ignore her.

teacherwithhobby · 18/12/2022 22:29

Oh yes, and her most regular complaint was about me walking about in my apartment. What exactly does she expect me to do. This is the level of crazy you are dealing with, don't entertain it, AT ALL.

maddening · 18/12/2022 22:33

I would reply that I am confident that none of my activities would be considered statutory nuisance and are indeed normal living noises, you expect no further communication from her on the subject and any future messages would be considered harassment, if.she disagrees she is welcome to speak to environmental health.

maddening · 18/12/2022 22:36

And as per pp re process of environmental health, I am sure Amy investigation they undertake will support your stance that you are not causing statutory nuisance and I expect she will be advised that this is normal living noise.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 22:54

Hi Saffron hope your feeling better, just want to say can you pls not bang your door, I've been meaning to see you but we're always busy lol, just wen you bang it shut it sounds awful in my house and wakes me up like 3am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, obviously don't want to fall out so I just thought ide mention it as I've been meaning to see you bout it for weeks many thanks NDN x

I know you're not replying, but I would be VERY tempted to just post it back through her door, with no return message.

If when she tackles you again, parrot her stupid phraseology back at her -
"I don't want to fall out so just thought I'd post your note back to you, as I'm not interested in getting into any back & forth about where I legally park my car or how I use my house doors. Have a lovely day, bye."

Do NOT let her engage - just walk away.

From then on - Grey Rock.
www.e-counseling.com/articles/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/12/2022 22:55

maddening · 18/12/2022 22:36

And as per pp re process of environmental health, I am sure Amy investigation they undertake will support your stance that you are not causing statutory nuisance and I expect she will be advised that this is normal living noise.

I've just gone to bed. My bedroom joins on to hers but there's fitted wardrobes on my side. When I closed the bedroom door I panicked because I had to pull it twice before it clicked shut. I don't understand how this has made me feel so anxious in just a few weeks.

OP posts:
slashlover · 18/12/2022 22:59

Have you blocked her yet OP?

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 22:59

JRHartley72 · 18/12/2022 21:33

So you say. She's saying differently, yet you won't entertain for a second that she might have a point. She's wrong and awful, you are quiet and perfect. Nothing I've read in any of your posts suggests she's some kind of weird obsessive though, you just don't like that she's being upfront in tackling you.

OP's had plenty of other neighbours in that house (3 or 4 sets?) who disagree, as THEY never raised any noise issues with OP.

Of course, never having lived next door to OP - you'd know better, wouldn't you @JRHartley72? 😂

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/12/2022 23:00

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 22:54

Hi Saffron hope your feeling better, just want to say can you pls not bang your door, I've been meaning to see you but we're always busy lol, just wen you bang it shut it sounds awful in my house and wakes me up like 3am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, obviously don't want to fall out so I just thought ide mention it as I've been meaning to see you bout it for weeks many thanks NDN x

I know you're not replying, but I would be VERY tempted to just post it back through her door, with no return message.

If when she tackles you again, parrot her stupid phraseology back at her -
"I don't want to fall out so just thought I'd post your note back to you, as I'm not interested in getting into any back & forth about where I legally park my car or how I use my house doors. Have a lovely day, bye."

Do NOT let her engage - just walk away.

From then on - Grey Rock.
www.e-counseling.com/articles/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

Thanks for the link. It was a text not a note. I really regret swapping numbers now. She sent this yesterday when I didn't answer the door. I was in bed not feeling well.

Hi Saffron I knocked on ur door so you cud move ur car over , I avent got much room so wen you go out can you watch my car pls as not got much room and ur not straight, you might av to park further over as n don't want my car banged many thanks x

There was no problem with my parking. I replied that I hadn't heard her because I was in bed and was going out anyway.

OP posts:
laurenlodge · 18/12/2022 23:03

Why aren't you blocking her?!

Zooeyzo · 18/12/2022 23:10

Just stop replying. She'll get the hint. And don't move your car.

MadameMackenzie · 18/12/2022 23:11

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/12/2022 21:13

I don't think you have read my post properly, have you?

Yes I have, I’ve also read the text from your neighbour. That is my opinion as a result 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s not relevant that she chats to you about her life story or is sometimes annoying, that doesn’t give you a reason to not be quiet at 3am!

Flaunch · 18/12/2022 23:12

Just block her ffs, it isn’t hard to do.

Puzzledstill · 18/12/2022 23:20

My old next door neighbour told me towels in between my doors for a soft close for when my son went the loo at night and also used to complain about us sat in the garden because we upset Murphy the dog I told her to 🖕🏼in the end

Haffiana · 18/12/2022 23:20

It’s not relevant that she chats to you about her life story or is sometimes annoying, that doesn’t give you a reason to not be quiet at 3am!

Are you suggesting that OP leaves her car door open?

Puzzledstill · 18/12/2022 23:20

Not a old as in old ex next door neighbour I must add

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 23:27

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/12/2022 23:00

Thanks for the link. It was a text not a note. I really regret swapping numbers now. She sent this yesterday when I didn't answer the door. I was in bed not feeling well.

Hi Saffron I knocked on ur door so you cud move ur car over , I avent got much room so wen you go out can you watch my car pls as not got much room and ur not straight, you might av to park further over as n don't want my car banged many thanks x

There was no problem with my parking. I replied that I hadn't heard her because I was in bed and was going out anyway.

Rats. (re text not note).

I'd reply
"Hi Neighbour, not sure why you felt the need to knock on my door again, as my car was nowhere near being in your way, & I don't need your parking advice.
While we're on the subject it's time to state clearly that your constant micromanaging of my every movement feels intrusive to the point of harassment.
I do not appreciate your constant messages & petty demands, none of which are rational or normal. I've lived next to 4 sets of different neighbours at (her street number) & not one of them ever had a noise problem from me, so I'm unsure why you are claiming the perfectly legal & ordinary noise levels of me opening doors & walking around in my property are a problem to you.
I gave you my number in good faith as a neighbourly act, but your constant criticism of me & interference in my private movements has become OTT, & it needs to stop now. I will therefore be blocking you on my phone, & do not expect to hear from you at all, unless you have a genuine emergency.
Saffron (street number)."

Harsh - but she will keep treating you like she thinks you're a walkover until you out-dominance display her, & all of it is factual, measured, & admissible in any legal terms should she keep being batshit instead of backing off.

My take on her is that she's a bully who thinks she's found some fresh meat, so the note above will nix that notion. You then GREY ROCK THE FUCK OUT OF HER in every encounter. "As you're aware, I'm not interested in listening to your assessment of my daily life, so I'll let you crack on, have a good day, bye."
(This is a little more assertive than standard Grey Rock, but I suspect necessary with her - you cannot afford to give her a single hint of "appeasement", as she will see it as an opportunity for power play.)

What you need to take from this is - you don't owe this twat anything.
Not your time, not your attention, not your anxiety, not tiptoeing around, & certainly not politeness. The bitch is deliberately baiting you - she can see her little barbs sink in, so you need to demonstrate that she can no longer 'touch' you with them, they simply won't sink in any more.
Breezy, uninterested self-assurance is your go-to demeanor with her from now on. Fake it til you make it - it gets easier each time.

And listen up to the PP who advised you to keep records - document, document, document.
I suspect the worst you'll have to deal with if you send the message above is performative huffiness, which you can ignore, while she sets her sights on somebody easier to bully.

Zooeyzo · 18/12/2022 23:27

@Puzzledstill how funny. My ex neighbour also told me to use the park rather than my garden as she was disturbed by the noise of me walking on gravel.

sunglassesonthetable · 18/12/2022 23:28

Yes I have, I’ve also read the text from your neighbour. That is my opinion as a result 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s not relevant that she chats to you about her life story or is sometimes annoying, that doesn’t give you a reason to not be quiet at 3am

OP said she was quiet.

Who the earth sends their neighbour a note when the car door wakes them at 3am?
God alive what does she want OP to do ?
Climb out of the boot? Come and sing her to sleep?

Totally ridiculous. She's got your number and she's going to use it. She sounds neurotic.

Hawkins001 · 18/12/2022 23:36

All the best op

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 23:37

LIZS · 18/12/2022 21:24

If that was when you came in clearly it was loud enough to wake her. It may not be the noise level but vibration. Is her bedroom closer to your door?

It's not clear in the least.

The woman is ... unusually over-involved in every movement OP makes.
I wouldn't put it past her to have been keeping herself awake so she could check what time OP came home, & invent something to moan about.

The only clear thing about this woman is how batshit she is, looking at the other linked thread. Very over-sharing, very up in everybody's grills, very controlling.

I'd have told her to piss off long before now, but I'm long in the tooth & am all out of fucks oestrogen. OP isn't there yet or she wouldn't have been so rattled she needed to start these threads, but she'll catch up in a decade or two Wink

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 23:40

Yes it's annoying when a neighbour complains, but what makes you think you're not being a noise nuisance? You might not think you've banged the door but even if you're just pulling it shut in the early hours the sound probably echoes in the silence and it would be enough to wake her

& what do you suggest OP can do about that @JRHartley72?

Stop using her doors? Become a recluse, & shuffle around insulated in lambswool like a a more sheepish version of Howard Hughes?

Hailingfrequenciesopen · 18/12/2022 23:40

Block her number and try and forget it all. Headphones in when you are going out to the car, not that you should have to but it would be a distraction for you as well. She'll get the hint.

God forbid we all just let each other live. I hate bad neighbours!

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