To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

I’d be owed off too! It’s not as if you didn’t remind her or offer to help. What on Earth was her excuse?

Just to add - no dementia. She’s been doing this for years and not just with Christmas dinner, she does it constantly and I’m sure half of it is for attention.

I’d be ‘peed’ off not ‘owed off!

You are still mad with her. Tell her! It will make you feel better. Not sure why you wouldn't.

TBH you have my sympathy. As a very organised person I would find that massively irritating.

This seems beyond absent mindedness. It's like she's deliberately sabotaging herself, or you. I don't know exactly, but there's something going on under the surface here.

Do you have any theories on why she is the way she is?

She said she’d meant to do it on the day I rang but “got busy doing other things” 🤬

What's her explanation of why she only bothered to tell you once you arrived? Given you'd made it clear how excited DD was etc.

It’s learned helplessness. She constantly pretends she can’t do stuff like work the TV or Work her phone. She constantly tells people she’s done this and that and it’s “oh so funny” but it’s really not.

Im still annoyed about the time she pretended she couldn’t work DDs bubbles and DD had to show her how to blow into the ring rather than above, below or to the side of the ring. It makes me so cross!

She a major procrastinator. I would never trust her to do anything. I know someone just like her who puts the brakes on everything... packing the suitcase five mins before the taxi arrives.. every damn time. Always late for everything when there is no reason to be so and letting folks down massively just like your mum OP

Does she have a job? Did she ever have a job? I can't imagine an employer being very tolerant of that kind of approach.

I'd carry my irritation about something like this to my grave, OP, so I feel your pain here. Never, ever go there for Christmas dinner again.

God it sounds absolutely deliberate. How can someone be so incompetent.

Is she like this with other things? Does she forget appointments and how to get dressed? Does she cook normally day to day?

Yeah I'd be fuming.

Let it go, OP. IT’s Christmas, it’s your family, …..peace on earth, goodwill to all men, and even women.
Have a lovely day at your house.

Yes that was another thing I was fuming about! She could have rang me that morning and told me she’d cocked up and I could have made an excuse to DD about why we couldn’t go to grandmas and let her down gently. But no, she waits until we’re there and offers us sausage and mash.

It’s like when she used to offer to babysit and then ring me on the day to say she can’t do it because she has an appointment she’s known about for weeks.

I'd be furious too.
It's like your DM thinks it's cute that she's so incompetent.

Yeah, this goes beyond poor executive function for whatever reason. It's sabotage. Forgot to get the turkey out - what stopped her buying a fresh one or something like beef or gammon to replace it. Sausage and mash is a bizarre piss-take.

I think you should be honest that you won't be going to hers for Xmas day again.

That's very, very weird. Do you think acting helpless and unthreatening is a defence mechanism that could have served a purpose for her at an earlier point in her life?

I'd be furious in your shoes fwiw. I'm just thinking that it's so outside the bounds of normal there has to be some psychological shit going on.

That’s insane. Maybe she just enjoys attention even if it’s bad attention. Definitely don’t go there again.

That sounds really fucking annoying . Once of course that is completely understandable, but there is obviously a history.

Your mum has huge fucking issues and it's perfectly reasonable (important, even!) for you to prioritise your own sanity and protecting your daughter even if it hurts her feelings.

I’ve often thought there must be more to it. She’s always tried to act helpless since I can remember.

One year at primary school she bought me the wrong coloured uniform and “only realised” on my first day of the new term. I had to wear it and got the piss took out of me all week as she couldn’t afford to replace it.

A year is a long time to hold onto your anger, but yeah I'd still be incredibly pissed off too. Especially when you reminded her so many times and left every single item in the freezer. I wouldn't go again either - too much a pattern.

OP, you have every right to be angry. How could anyone be so incompetent after all the reminders.

You can fuck off too.

The bubbles thing sounds like someone joking around with a kid though.