To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

I bet it is a life long behavior of damsel in distress/helplessness. As a young women she probably thought it is cute. Someone (you perhaps?) needs to tell her it is not cute. I wouldn't assume adhd, she knew exactly what she is doing hence the explanation why she didn't defrost other sides/didn't tell you over the phone so you had no time to fix it. You could have brought something with you, potentially go somewhere for lunch.
Imagine what will happen when she is actually older and more fragile in real.

She sounds like she's got adhd

I can absolutely understand why you are still annoyed about this, particularly as you then mentioned that it's just one part of a much wider issue. I wonder if the reason this particular time still grates so much is that you are used to her letting you down, but this time she let your daughter down too. Don't let her ruin anymore of your, or your daughters, Christmases. I suspect she's ruined more than you care to remember.

YABU to carry a grudge about a Christmas dinner for a full year. Let it go, it’s not like she’s going to change.
Your daughter is a drama llama to cry over sausage and mash when she’s “looking forward to” pigs in blankets.

You know she’s like this so just don’t have Christmas dinner with her.

This sounds identical to my auntie who has ADHD. She is now treated for it and life runs much more smoothly for all involved.

Fully agree with this. I would also add OP that if you are still annoyed after a year, the problem is with you not her. You know what she's like. Just enjoy your Christmas with your lovely DD (they are only little for such a short period of time). I have learnt to accept my DM and DF as they are and have really worked on not allowing them to affect me after 20 or so years. Its a challenge but I try and keep allowing certain things not to affect me and concentrate on the good stuff.

I think it sounds like almost classic ADD too (disorganisation, distractability, poor executive function, etc) plus an advanced case of shame. Instead of masking the features with a helpless act designed to deflect your anger, she would do better to develop strategies (lists, etc), but first she has to know what her problem is, and it doesn't sound like she does. She was probably told off for being rubbish and unreliable from the earliest age and believes that about herself now. Tbh, your reaction won't be helping, dismissing her evident problem as attention seeking. Maybe try and be a bit kinder and help her explore the possibility of a diagnosis and some treatment/support in the new year, once your sausage-avoidant daughter has had her urgent need for pigs-in-blankets satisfied.

I really don't think ND. ND people hate that they fuck up. They'd be running round like a headless turkey Christmas eve when they realised they hadn't defrosted it. Fuck I think if there were absolutely no shops open at all, I'd either carve it frozen so I could defrost some meat, I have done this before with a normal serated knife and pure determination. Or pop it on low and slow to cook from frozen, there must be a way to cook a turkey from frozen! I'd bloody well find it. You could do it low enough that it just defrosts then wack it up so it cooks to a safe temperature.
She didn't even get the rest of the food out. She didn't even plan an alternative meal.

There is simply no excuse.

I do think like others have said that as a child people were more attentive to her when she couldn't do stuff. Then as a teen and young woman men fawned over her like a damsel in distress. And she just couldn't stop it.

OP what where her expecting when she told you? That you'd fix it and whip a dinner up or that you'd laugh or be mad or settle for something else. That's what I can't work out. What was her aim?

I wouldn’t have invited her, she’s swerved cooking Xmas dinner for life now doing this.

Cannot stand women who think it’s ok to be useless when really they can manage just fine. Like the whole family doesn’t know their putting it on.

My father in law does this! And then he cooks up an inedible curry as an alternative.

He also says no to all help. (Including buying food)

I’m 48 and would be sad if I was promised a Christmas dinner and when I arrived the hosts were sat there pathetically offering me a sub par Tuesday night tea?! Unless there had been an unfortunate event I guess. It’s the meal of the year in our culture like it or not.

You sound really ungrateful and I don't know why you haven't invited her to yours.

Just googled it. You can easily cook a turkey from frozen. No excuse.

“same reason she says she’s “allergic” to cheese but loves pizza 😂”

I don’t indulge that sort of crap.

Yanbu I'd be fuming I would let it go for now but if she ever asks you to come for Christmas again I'd tell her exactly why you won't be

Tell us you haven't read the OP without saying you haven't read the OP.

I would be greatly annoyed at being offered sausage and mash for Christmas dinner. It's a weekday meal, and not a brilliant one at that. Doesn't she do any other veg?
You're right to have dinner at your house.

I wish people would stop saying ADHD. She may have it, who knows, but it's not a complete explanation for this behaviour.

Same with all veg 🤷🏻‍♀️ what do you think the aim of it is OP? Sounds exhausting.

My nan was like this. Came across as scatty and helpless but really there was an underlying malevolence to it – she wanted to ruin occasions and for everyone to have a rubbish time. Then, if anyone upset, she would ratchet up her tears so in the end everyone said 'never mind, it's just XXXX being XXXX' and she'd get away with it. She'd run my granddad ragged because he'd have to do everything to ensure it got done.

I wonder, OP, if she did it on purpose to push back at your reminders. I just cannot see, given how much you discussed it, that she could forget to get the turkey prepped or defrost anything else. What she did to your DD was cruel.

That sounds awful. I'm still annoyed by my MIL (who's a great cook and loves hosting normally) making a big fuss about us spending DDs first Christmas with them...they literally made no fuss over DD and paid little attention, then served a whole load of overcooked/burnt M&S ready meal Christmas stuff... She literally just put it all in the oven so no fresh veg or gravy or anything else made. Pudding without cream or custard. It was so awful, dry, and just pure meat and potatoes. I still have no idea what went on for that to happen, and as much as I know it's only one meal etc etc, I just can't get over how let down we felt, as entitled as that may sound.

I think for you and DDs sake, you need to start setting boundaries and sticking to them. No Christmas hosted by DM, but she's welcome to come to you etc.

Can't you read very well?

DD excited about posh stuffing.
😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

Does she know how to cook? Have you ever had a dinner cooked by her? Just wondering if she really wanted to have you at her house but then got overwhelmed when she realised what a big job a Christmas dinner is but was then too embarrassed to tell you? I dunno...just a theory!

At any rate you're perfectly within your rights to tell her you will not ever be going to her house for Christmas dinner again!

Shocked that people agree with being annoyed over this (still..)

you must have very little worries in your life!