To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

Yes you clearly don't understand.
You could have at least tried to understand though, a start would have been to RTFT!

in simple terms
i decided not to engage further
but this is irrelevant to the post
nor is my commenting or even yours relevant to the op

That's absolutely true but if she wants a better relationship with her mum she may want to try.

Wotcher Tactical

Yes ... Not just the same technique, the same words!

If you've not heard of DARVO previously, I suspect this will provide at least the comfort of "oh so THAT'S what she's really up to, glad it's not just me, it's just her expertly making me feel like I'm the only problematic human on the planet" -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Sadly, there is no 'fix', but you may find that a well-judicious application of Grey Rock helpful. It doesn't prevent the behaviours, but the conscious decision to deploy it helps avoid the inevitable rage & frustration you feel when you know that pointing out anything at all to her will just get you more bullshit.

Sorry haven't explained that very well - before I learned that Grey Rock is a researched & documented Thing, I felt that the instinctive urge to minimise responses to DM's barbs was almost cowardice, because I "couldn't cope with" whatever she would hurl back if I spoke my mind. Post-Grey Rock, I was able to realise that in fact it was wisdom, not cowardice, & reframe the internalised toxic shame into something more like "ah here we go again, well I'm doing what experts best recommend, this shame does not belong to me, & soon she'll find me so boring she'll say it's time for me to go home now."

Still not explaining brilliantly so here's an example:
Pre-Grey Rock
DM: Well give me a hug then. Oh dear, your ARMPITS STINK. I'm only telling you because you need to know."
Me: "Oh. That's ... oh I don't know how ... I had a shower this morning ... maybe it's because I don't use deo, never mind I can have a wash here & DS will lend me a clean top."
DM: Sniff. "I'm tired now. I'm going to watch Bergerac." (Dismissed)
Me: "Er ... OK."
Go next door to DS's. Sniff own armpits hard. All normal & good.
Revelation! she just made it up to control & upset me!

Post-Grey Rock
DM: "Give me a kiss then. Euuuuuw! Your breath is HORRIBLE. I hope you haven't been walking around smelling like that all day."
Me: "I suppose it's possible, never mind. Did you hear The Archers today?" (Dismissed)
Go next door to DS.
Me to DS" "She's done it again, not the pits this time so I can't self-check - can you bear to get close & tell me if my breath stinks?"
DS: "Fucksake. Hold on. Nope, all good."
Me & DS: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha"
Revelation! I don't need to care about DM's bullshit. Even if I DID stink.

It basically reset the whole dealing-with-DM upset from a toxic shame mindset where I blamed myself for her refusal to allow me to communicate straightforwardly, into a "I'll use every trick in the book to deal with you, you old fraud, & that's not because I'm weak, it's because ANYBODY would be dismayed by your malice, & it's not sneaky or underhand to play you at your own game instead of rising to your bait & being 'set up to fail'."

The 2 examples are mild for her btw, just in case any PP decides this is mountains out of molehills & wants to beat me up for it because THEIR mum's dead so I'm a whinging twat who ought to be grateful to have the child molester variety of live mother.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#risks

well-judicious = typo, sorry makes no sense.
Just judicious.

I think the Christmas dinner was just a different rocking horse scenario, I doubt she had bought all the food she said she had, but then just kept telling you she had. Perhaps she couldn't afford it, maybe she left it until the last minute and couldn't get the things she had promised to get so panicked and came up with the 'ditsy me forgot to get the non existent turkey out of the freezer' excuse ?

You ‘decided not to engage’ when I pointed out the blindingly obvious of how discussion forums work.

That is - nobody is in charge, people post, people respond.

There was nothing left to engage with, after that.

Yes I agree with this

It seems that OP's mum always manages to sabotage important events for OP )first day at school, OP's childhood christmas, OP' dd's christmas excitement) but was also happy to lie through her teeth

The blatant lying and especially the cruel taunting about the rocking horse does not sound like asd or adhd

The blatant lying and especially the cruel taunting about the rocking horse does not sound like asd or adhd

No, it doesn’t. People are seeing the scattiness and not understanding any deeper, and putting that, in isolation, down to ADHD.

It seems to show a real lack of nuance on the part of many posters.

The exec function stuff - esp in the first post - deffo sounds like there could be ADHD or similar going on - but its worth remembering that you can have ADHD and not be a total arsehole to your kids.

Shock horror that there is a lack of nuance in mumsnet, what on earth do you think this forum is? Laughable comments

MN seems to diagnose adhd etc for everything. I have never met anyone who deliberately tells there own child they have bought X for Christmas, several times, then buys something completely different due to some kind of nd issue.
It's about control. It's about dm self image.
I said up thread that some women have been conditioned to appear cute and ditsy. In this case I don't think this applies. it's and excuse for bad behaviour designed to deliberately hurt the op.
sorry op your mum does this deliberately. You need to tell her you are not put5ing Up with it anymore

I meant a lack of nuance in people’s understanding.

They read and are unable to glean everything that’s unsaid or alluded to. Or even things that have been quite clearly outlined, but are outside people’s personal experience, so they just don’t (or won’t) get it.

Thank you for quite so remarkably proving my point.

YANBU. Never go there for dinner again. She actually sounds very controlling, and quite like my own narcissistic DM.

Keep her at arms length from your DD. Short visits, or meet ups out of the house, and no alone time with your daughter.

Gonna take a wild stab in the dark & guess you've never dipped a toe into any of the Feminism boards or Stately Homes threads then Wilma.

This thread seems to have gone abit sideways since my post to the original messenger HOWEVER

Just thought I would stress to the poster that her mum will NOT change, so you need to stick to your guns.!
TONIGHT my nephew niece and new baby visited for a pre christmas present exchange. Mum launched into a list of "her" preparations , with a glance at me my nephew said, Sorry Gran but you say this every year. I dont like liars !

wow wow wow

Burst into tears when I got home, just sent him a text saying thanks kid xxx

Blimey, out of the mouth of babes. Not going to lie, am not sure it’s a good idea to message him to say he did good. I think reinforcement from either side of things is not great.

I am not saying this to make you feel bad. Your feelings are valid and it must be a relief when, unprompted, someone else sees something similar. But I think kids should be shielded from praise/validation either way.

TBF, AIBU is usually a bit of a bear-pit. For various reasons, it’s often become to go-to for controversial/click-bait/goady/made-up shite. So there is obviously (or sadly) a view that anyone who posts there is fair game.

This is a thread where it seems the majority of posters are understanding elements of the OP’s situation.

Sometimes, if you have nothing of value to add, then don’t post. If you think a thread is false/trolling/whatever then report it.

I was going to try to respond to your “laughable comments” post, but I can’t because I really don’t know what you are referring to. Can you explain or give some context?

If you want to spend Christmas or other events at hers you need to bring everything with you.

I bring lunch and dinner for up to 5 days to my dad’s. You just need catering containers and lots of food containers and possibly a cool box. We’ve just done it and it has worked out well. It’s to avoid that my stepmother cooks and suffers after.

The OP doesn’t want to have it at her Mum’s place.

So …. she could just do the waaaaay more obvious and much easier option, and have it at her own place.

Like she said she was going to?

Hope you had a lovely day yesterday @StillFumin with a proper Christmas dinner just as you envisaged!

I agree! We're all capable of mucking up, and I completely empathise with the issue of being 'too busy'. But this goes beyond that... There is a distinct lack of care (almost to the degree of narcissim). If this happened to me (frozen turkey error). I would have dug deep and constructed some kind of festive alternative... I'd have done roasties, festive veg (at least 4 kinds) some herby Stuffing balls, Yorkshires, pigs in blankets, luscious gravy, and wrapped some chicken breasts in bacon and baked in oven so that there was something on the plate. I would have decorated the table with crackers and candles, blasted out some cheesy Xmas tunes and made the best of it. Make no mistake this IS sabotage, mucking up is forgivable....going to zero effort to rescue the situation? Less so 😮‍💨

@StillFumin - so how did it all work out? Did Xmas dinner go well at yours? Did you tell your DM that yes, you were angry?

I'm sorry to be nosey but I'd like to know. I think, as many have mentioned, she's got some issues and YANBU to be angry about her behaviour.