To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff

So she knew she hadn't defrosted the turkey way before you got there and purposely didn't get any of the other stuff out either.

It sounds like ADHD. I starting suspect my mother has it, after I got diagnosed. Very very frustrating doe everyone. It’s always the same let down but I know my mother beats herself about it too, just can’t help it.

Thanks for that op. The point I was making is that there is more to Christmas than fretting about the bloody meal. Don't go if you've got such a bad relationship and stop moaning

Time to relax.

You have found the solution. Your DM can't be relied upon to act like an adult, so don't risk DD's happiness by expecting. You are capable of behaving like an adult and Christmas at yours sounds lovely.

Are you totally pissed off at having to parent your DM?
Of course you are, try not to do it on any day other than Christmas and remember you are doing it for DD not DM.

Your DM is not going to improve, don't get pressured into another fiasco like last year's.

Did you even see the food? You would have thought she would do a Boxing Day or New Year 'take-two' to make up for it.

I’d say yes I am still annoyed , I mean the forgetting to defrost the turkey I can forgive as it’s a common thing but then purposely not defrosting all the other food because what’s the point and then offering sausage and mash . Is she an idiot ? you’d just do all the other food to salvage dinner but on purpose ruin in . I’d be rushing out on Christmas Eve for replacement meat . She could have rang you Christmas morning took the other food out to defrost you brought the gammon etc . The fact she did none of those thinks and just went I can’t be bothered I’ll just have sausages would piss me off it’s like she wants to ruin it . I don’t think she’d even get an invite off me I’d let her ruin her own dinner herself .

Honestly, no it doesn't. Certainly there's no neurodiversity explanation for her choosing not to tell them she'd not defrosted the Turkey, deciding to not defrost anything else either and just surprising them with that blow once they arrived.

Not the point but: why was your daughter looking forward to pigs in blankets if she doesn’t eat sausage? 🤪

Your mum is a pain in the arse, but you set yourself up for it last year - and your daughter.

I’d tell her outright that you don’t find her messing things up funny. Then every time she does the, “what am I like?” just death stare or calmly remind her, “that’s not funny though mum.”

Basically it sounds like she has issues with executive functioning.

Next time, OP should add in a dinosaur for extra drama

It’s very strange.. It sounds like there is some poor executive function which could be something like ADD, but I guessing there’s some more complex psychological stuff as well.

Anyway, for your and your DDs sake you need to let it go or you will put a dampener on Christmas Day.

Go and see her early this week if you can, or ring if you can’t, and tell her that you are still annoyed about last year and you realise that’s because it’s the culmination of years of this learned incompetence that impacts on other people (3 key examples).

You aren’t going to put up with it anymore. No one finds it funny or appealing. If she says she’s going to do something she needs to do it.

And then go. No discussion, you are just saying your piece.

In reality you aren’t going to give her any responsibility any more, so it’s irrelevant, but it allows you to say what you need to say, and might have the side effect of improving her in small things.

It's one thing to mess with you, but to mess with your dc Christmas tgat another thing!

She probably enjoys the power of being able to upset you but also have plausible deniability that it was all an “accident”.

I would have been livid. This would have ruined Christmas for me.

I felt stressed and annoyed just reading that op! Urgh. Would just be brisk and never rely on her for anything ever again and I would show my disapproval No giggling along.

My friend and her extended family went to France for Christmas and everyone had to bring something - they all forgot the veg much to the delight of the kids. That was one off and quite funny yours really isn’t

I believe what you're saying completely and, although it will get deleted, I enjoyed your response to the boring troll hunter 🤣

Anyway, I have met people like this. All baby voices and silly me aren't a HILARIOUS. It's tedious attention seeking. They usually grow out of it in their twenties though and a grandmother doing this would irritate me.

Yanbu. Just don't go to her for meals anymore no matter what she says

Sounds like something more serious (whether that’s a problem with executive function or more likely a psychological cause) which she’s masking as ditsiness.

You know what she’s like, op, and she won’t change no matter what she says. So let it go and, if you’re not someone who can just laugh it off (and no reason you should be), make your own arrangements.

@StillFumin 😝😝

totally believe you, sounds like by dear departed MIL who would pretend not to know what things were or how to use them so someone (usually a grandkid) would help her. She’d then dine out on an exaggerated version of the story to the entire extended family, in front of the kids who would look bemused and embarrassed. Drove me mental.

Do you think acting helpless and unthreatening is a defence mechanism that could have served a purpose for her at an earlier point in her life?

I was wondering this. Whether being cute and helpless as a young woman was her MO and got other people running around after her.

She sounds annoying but then so do you. I'd give anything to have my mum , who died last year, around this Christmas so that we could annoy each other.

Jeez can nobody post anything about parents because some people have lost theirs? since we're playing competitive loss, my Mum died 3 weeks ago, I still think OP's mother sounds annoying, and she has every right to be irritated by this repetitive bad behaviour.

How can people just be so hopeless in life ? Unless there is a medical reason then I just can't understand. It's not difficult to make a list of reminders if you are prone to forgetting things, or buy a chalk board or white board for the kitchen. Seriously I suspect she is just trying to wind you up ??

It's deliberate. It's controlling. It's gaslighting. It's not all the time which is even worse because you never know when it's going to happen,so it can be something really small and insignificant like the bubbles or major like buying the wrong school uniform or ruining a whole Christmas dinner.
It keeps everyone on the back foot and unsettled and the protagonist as the centre of attention. Your mother is a narcissist OP.
It's not the real hardcore nasty stuff that you sometimes read about on here but it's there all the same.

My mum died a few years ago on Christmas Eve no less. The op's mum still sounds irritating

This.
Firgetting a jar of cranberry sauce is forgetfulness , her behaviour is way beyond that. Did she have difficult Christmases as a child?

It’s a forum, the Op is allowed to have a rant, especially as it’s obvious this is about far more than a meal - it’s been a life long issue.

Sorry that you lost your mum, but it doesn’t negate another people’s issues with their parents, or give you the right to shut people down.