To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

I’d be furious and not let her be in charge of anything ever again. Just make sure she’s never in a position to let you down.

Maybe it was, but you can understand why it pushes the OP's buttons in the context of similar traumatic childhood stuff like being sent in the wrong colour uniform, and this more recent thing of ruining every single Christmas dinner and upsetting her granddaughter.

No she wasn’t joking, she kept “trying” to do it and then shaking the bottle saying it’s not working and it’s “ran out”. I know it sounds like someone joking around but she genuinely made out that she couldn’t do it.

It sounds unforgivable.
My father is still annoyed about the food at his VE Day party in 1945 so you aren’t being at all unreasonable. If your DD is still disappointed in 2099 then that wouldn’t be unreasonable either.

My take on autism sounds really bad! I'm autistic. I don't mean he kept being autistic for attention. I mean when he did something typically associated with autism (like being late) people laughed and he got lots of attention so he kept doing it bigger and better to keep getting that attention. Most of us over time learn to manage our autism so it doesn't affect other people's lives too much. Is what I meant. I don't want to derail the thread with an autism bun fight. Sorry!

Just say that yes you are still angry, that it was one of many xmas's that she's ruined and it isnt something you will ever repeat so she needs to accustom herself to the idea that if she wants to spend Xmas day with you that from now on it will be at your house with you in charge or arrangements because she cannot be trusted to not spoil it.

Faking forgiveness clearly isn't working for you in this case so why seethe silently, just say it calmly and move on.

When I read your title I thought I was going to say YABU, but that would drive me mad! Completely unreliable.

My Dad is a little similar in that he will say yes yes yes and then just not do it. When you question him he gets all defensive and denies ever agreeing. It is not old age, he is mid 50s and has been like this my whole life. I learned early on to never rely on him. It’s shit.

@SomethingOriginal2 exactly this. I think some people do this kind of thing to make an entrance or for attention. Just calmly repeat 'oh no problem Ive got it covered here'. 'Not to worry , lets talk soon'. etc

What’s her self esteem like?
Sometimes people develop a “lovably useless” persona so that people will lower their expectations of them. Because they’re scared they’ll never measure up to the same standards as everyone else and are looking for a ‘pass’. After a while it just becomes habit and a part of who they are.

I don't think this is learned helplessness. I think your mum is probably ND to some extent.

But you don't need to be happy about the fact that she's clearly been a shit parent your entire life.

My own mum is similar and it is fucking draining after a lifetime of it. My DS has recently been diagnosed as autistic and looking at my mum now I suspect she is too. But it doesn't take away from the fact she was at times neglectful in her parenting.

It’s a bizzarre need for attention, my SiL is the same with being late, She always, always is the last to arrive , it’s performative and she makes a huge song and dance about it, we tell her things are booked for 30+ minutes earlier and she’s still always late.

Hahaha...
Yeah, this would piss me right off too.
Good point from pp of not rising to it and brushing things off. Not easy though.
I think I'd have to sit them down with a notepad full of occasions where she's done things and say 'wtf is going on? All this is weird as frig!!'

YANBU to be annoyed, but I think I would have arranged a proper Christmas dinner at home on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, and not raised your DDs hopes for the meal at grandma’s.

@Member869894

So OP has to be fine with her mum selfishly ruining Xmas for her daughter because your mum is dead? Right….

Low blow.

Both my parents are dead, they could both be annoying, I'd cut my leg off for another day with them.... Doesn't mean OP can't be annoyed and frustrated at her Mum's odd behaviour.

Definitely deliberate. I wouldn't ever go there for dinner again.

What I don't understand though is why you raised your Dd's hopes about the meal so much beforehand knowing the history?

@StillFumin · Today 12:19
SheWontSheCantShesLeft · Today 12:18
Cool story bro
You can fuck off too.

Way to go OP !

She must be doing it on purpose, maybe as some kind of control thing. Definitely infuriating. I agree with others, anything that's important to you just take control of it for yourself. And don't wait things for her if she's late.

Why on earth or you anything other than very low contact?

Why have you invited her for dinner?

She reads as a really annyoying, attention seeking moron.

I would take it that she really likes upsetting you and would put real distance between you.

There is always one. I am sorry you lost a parent but not everyone has a great relationship with their parents. This type of passive aggressive woe is me type comment gets right on my nerves.

This, I can't stand people like this "oh tee hee, what am I like, am just so ditzy and cute and need people to clear up my mistakes and rescue things, tee hee" and then they get all huffy and upset when you don't go along with their world view!

It's definitely sounding like attention-seeking behaviour to me. She wants a reaction now to last year's. Then she can respond - which will likely be belittling/making it sound like you're too demanding of can't see the funny side of things/playing the victim. All of which prolong the drama.

Don't give her the fuel. If she asks if you're still angry over last year just say no, but you actually want a proper Christmas dinner so you're doing that. I'll bet she brings it up again. In which case just be really nonchalant, like it's in the past and completely irrelevant.

Was there actually a turkey in the freezer? Is it some sort if pathological stinginess? Or she buys it but then wants to "save" it? But really, unless there is some sort of dementia/LD then she's just a gigantic twat.

YABU to have "caved" when you know what she's like. People like that don't change. Just have her over to yours if you must.