To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

Sounds like a woman I work with. The annoying thing is that’s she’s a teacher. All the ‘giggle giggle, aren’t I daft’ shit gets old when you are relying on someone else to make a resource etc. You then end up doing all the work yourself because she is so unreliable.

And also how you manage to blame one person for another's actions all the time!!
Probably how the op's mum and people like her manage to sail through life by making others deal with their shit!

My mum wasn't as bad as that, but always "forgot" something.
Then there was the massive drama and tears hers then the Sorry I've ruined Christmas again
It was a bloody relief once I started inviting her and my Dad to ours...I'd send DH on a 2hr round trip to collect them, or she would have fucked that up too.

@StillFumin Ignore her. Don't bite. You are in control now. If she wants, ask her to provide the crackers...then wait to see if you get Jacobs or the ones with a party hat. 🤣

This. And instead of the constant reminders I’d have bought the pigs in blankets and all the trimmings myself. If they weren’t needed on the day they could have made Christmas dinner 2.0.

You're definitely doing the right thing not relying on her any more and prepping the food yourself, OP.

And I think given that you suspect her behaviour is deliberate, I think it's very sensible to have said you're not still cross and it's all forgotten, as that's the last thing she'll want to hear if she is trying to get attention through letting everyone down so dramatically.

😆🎄 I love this thread. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be annoyed, Christmas dinner is a big deal! And I’ve got no parents - my childhood was abusive and horrible and I have no family whatsoever but I think it still fine to laugh / get annoyed about these things! Why does everything have to be some competitive grief fest?!

I don’t know why your Mum behaves like this. It’s extremely odd and reminds me a bit of my own Mum. It’s like she wants everyone to fall over themselves because she’s helpless and whatever. Who knows. 🙄🤷‍♀️

The best thing has happened in the end. You are taking on the responsibility now Christmas Dinner. This is probably a massive relief to your Mum as she has obviously got quite significant executive functioning difficulties. She's had a life of well intended expectations where she overthinks in advance and is trying to plan but it just doesn't get executed! It's not funny, I identify with the best intentions and not executing many of the plans I've had, despite thinking about Christmas the whole year, in the hope of avoiding the stress that I've forgotten something. Enjoy your dinner and I'm sure DM will too. Can you give here a mini purposeful job when she arrives to help feel useful.

(When I say I’ve got no parents and then talk about my Mum - she died years ago).

Well it's definitely weird and who knows why she does it.

It sounds like on many occasions she has made promises and let you down, sometimes even deliberately. Hurtful, especially when she is the parent and is supposed to take care of you. Your feelings are very understandable and especially when you tried so hard to manage your mother into keeping her promise.

I wonder what her motive is for this childish 'are you still mad at me?'. It's a bit like she's looking for you to blow up at her and then she can gaslight you about being angry or seeking absolution and then can lie to herself it isn't a big deal. I wouldn't get mad at her...it'll drive her nuts not getting a telling off like the naughty girl she is.

I would do what you want and not feel obligated to give your mother a chance. She can't adult so she'll have to accept you won't rely on her. I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Yanbu, I know it’s one meal but it’s not a one off.

I think it’s reasonable to tell her you won’t be coming over to hers for Christmas dinner, in future, because of it. And don’t!

I haven't read the thread. So sorry if I'm saying something that's already been said. But yes I'd be VERY annoyed. Also...I wonder if its the pressure of such an important meal. My mum is very competent and smart business owner. But whenever she has to fill out an official form she get so stressed she makes mistakes..putting her name in the wrong place....birthdays wrong etc...also greeting cards. Really can't get my head around it but its just how it is.

You knew what she is like, yet still chose to go knowing it would be a disaster 🤷🏻‍♀️

Forgive, forget and dont count on her doing Christmas dinner ever again.

We had the similar with MIL, must have been at least 25 years ago, we drove from Scotland to Kent on Christmas Eve and she told us on Christmas morning she hadn't bothered with Christmas dinner and was planning on ordering a takeaway instead. Ok, fair enough, but she hadnt realised nowhere would be open 🤦🏻‍♀️. She hadn't even done a Christmas shop so there wasnt much in either, I can't remember what we had but it was miserable and we never went down for Christmas again. Thankfully this was before dc.

My mil was exactly the same, invited me and Dh to Christmas then her and fil went to bed because they were "tired" and left us and sil to make everything.
She once came around in tears wanted DH to tax her car because she didn't know how. She used to buy and sell cars for a living 🤔
Its attention seeking.
We don't speak to her anymore 😄

@StillFumin
I know exactly what you are talking about although I don't think DM was as bad as yours is.
Perfectly competent at work and other areas of her life but sometimes at home especially in the kitchen ARGH!

All the ‘giggle giggle, aren’t I daft’ shit gets old when you are relying on someone else
Some utter arsehole I had the misfortune to work with (my supervisor) for a decade tried this shit quite early on in our working relationship. I just told her to grow the fuck up and act like a vaguely competent adult.
Funny now - thinking back, as I was about 20 and she was about 40.
I kept a firm eye on her, any chance of her ruining something and she was told to get her act together.

Pretty sure this stems from waiting for my bloody Mother to fuck things up when I was a child.

(And I'm sure she remembers me fondly too. 😉)

I wouldn't be cross at her anymore-I'd be cross at myself for being so foolish as to go there last year-and not going straight home when I discovered the situation.

really you’re angry with her shitty job she’s done for your her whole life and I don’t blame you.

I’d have lost my rag too.

Is it a passive aggressive way of punishing you for something? If she's always been like this, I'd wonder whether she ever really wanted to be a mum. Break the generational cycle, and don't allow her to let down your daughter any further.

Totally agree with this. Had a MIL just like this. Definitely a control move in her case.

Seriously?! So no responsibility for the DM for shitty behaviour? Instead 'oh poor her, how can MORE focus be on her and make sure she gets attention to make sure alls fine'?

I work with someone like this. It’s strategic incompetence. He won’t use the taxi app to call a taxi, he calls one of the interns, often out of hours, to call one. Same with the NHS Covid app - kept a scratty bit of paper (which he often forgot) to take to meetings. Regularly oversleeps and doesn’t make it into the office until lunchtime. Made a team very late for a meeting because he went AWOL for half an hour at the motorway service station, and had left his phone in the car so they couldn’t contact him. Strangely, he’s upped his game a bit since he’s been given a formal warning and put on performance management. His catchphrase was always “What am I like?” as well.

I think it would be fine to say, "well yes, I am angry. If this pattern of forgetting things is not inside your control, then you need to get investigations for ADHD or similar problems, and get drugs or specialist support. If it is inside your control, then you have chosen to let down me and DD, and I refuse to give you the opportunity to do that again".

I genuinely don't understand why people get so worked up about the food on Christmas Day. If whatever was planned doesn't work out, have something else.

Sympathies OP, deliberate incompetence is something my mum did a lot of and fuck it was irritating (she's dead now and that bit I don't miss).

If you want to do something seemingly kind but actually nastily satisfying (for you), take her up on an offer to bring/provide something, then make sure you have your own wonderful version in the wings for when she inevitably doesn't come through, to be produced with minimal comment or fuss. If she's doing it on purpose she will be so pissed off, and if she isn't, then she will be happy you saved the situation. There's no downside!

You could easily solve this by hosting Christmas dinner and inviting your mother.