To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

There's something much deeper under this, this is really not normal behaviour. What were her Christmases like as a kid?

She sounds really annoying and it is a control thing I think

Stuff like this drives me bananas. My most hated excuse in the world is ‘oh, I just didn’t think’. Yes that’s the fucking point!

I have ADHD, recently diagnosed, but even at my worst there’s no way I’d do that. I knew my limits memory wise and used to have reminders everywhere. Because I cared. It’s like OP’s Mum just doesn’t care to make things special.

I never responded to your comment so not sure why you’re directing this at me?

Im sorry about your mum (I’ve lost a parent too when I was still a child) but that doesn’t mean I can’t be annoyed at this constant attention seeking behaviour that is now effecting my DD

Not the point but: why was your daughter looking forward to pigs in blankets if she doesn’t eat sausage?
My first thought too.

Deep down you’re probably a bit angry at yourself for believing her because you know what she’s like and that time it didn’t just affect you it affected your daughter.

Hopefully the lovely food and memories this year will help somewhat to fade the anger

RE: sausages

same reason she says she’s “allergic” to cheese but loves pizza 😂

The people in my life with 'loveably helpless' personas have developed them because they are simply lazy. It's not because they're scared of not measuring up to adult responsibility - it's because they want to sit on their arse, and have everything handed to them on a plate. One even outsources the most basic of thinking and planning to anyone nearby. It is breathtakingly arrogant. Most of us organised folks are onto it.

@RunLolaRun102

yup , I can be incredibly disorganised and forgetful but because I care about others il do my dammed best to never let them down it’s more likely to be me going without than subjecting others to it

op I hope that you have a lovely Xmas dinner this year and I’m sorry your mum is like this . 💐

Honestly, I read your first post @StillFumin and thought you were rude and overreacting, but I’ve seen this update and I think I understand. You feel that she doesn’t care enough to make things nice, and things that should be lovely are ruined? This uniform thing is really sad. It’s borderline neglectful, I’m actually quite sad for you as I had occasional things that were a little similar.

Actually (and I don’t normally say this, dislike armchair diagnoses etc) I would be wondering about either a mental health or neurological cause for this.

Sorry to hear this @AmyDudley

Oh we have one of these in the family (my aunt rather than mum thankfully!). In her case she was an exceptionally cute child who grew into a very pretty teen/young woman, and learned early on that she would get attention by acting 'ditzy' and needing 'help' from others (any adult as a child, then usually alpha male types from her late teens on).

She still tries to do it now as a gran in her 70s. Complete with a cutesy baby voice and tinkly little laugh at how charmingly silly she was. It's just embarrassing tbh 😅. Sympathies OP!

You are still pissed off with her and think you need to - appropriately - tell her that, and also why. Last year’s Christmas dinner was the culmination of a lifetime of crap from her and was the proverbial straw. She needs to know she’s gone too bloody far.

My mother was like this - would invite for Xmas dinner and then couldn't be bothered with it so would serve soup or a sandwich etc (and couldn't make ourselves on the day as nothing bought in),

Now sibling and I have our own families we no longer go to mums house for Christmas but do invite her to our houses instead.

It sounds a lot like a certain kind of ADHD to me (also ADHD). But she could, as I have done, create endless reminders and lists to counteract it, which is exhausting but ultimately better than the alternative (including the shame for her, which I suspect she is turning into 'what am I like' because she could not otherwise tolerate the pain.

None of this means it doesn't matter though OP, and that you haven't suffered - you have.

It sounds like a weird attention/control thing. I think she perhaps wants you to confront her and get angry about it. She can then be like “Oh I’m a poor victim. My DD shouted at me because I forgot X”.

You should start telling her she needs to see a doctor. Drop hints that you’re oh so concerned about her showing signs of dementia. If she wants to act like a helpless old dear then treat her like one.

Yes! People have to put up with all kinds of shit because someone lost a parent? It’s totally fine to have boundaries and not put up with this behaviour. I’d be fuming too! Just like I’m fuming at people saying ‘I’d love to have this problem’

Damn sorry, I meant to quote the poster that said it wasn't ADHD but <drumroll> I impulsively hit 'post' before checking <baboom-tish>

I wonder if she does it for attention. It's hard to think it's not deliberate after you checked so many times it was all OK.

It's also perfectly possible to have a pretty decent Christmas dinner without turkey on the plate. Pigs in blankets with roast potatoes, veg, stuffing, gravy etc. All perfectly doable from frozen. If she had them in the house they could have gone straight into the oven. It sounds like she never bought them.

I love Christmas dinner and enjoy hosting so it's just how I want it.

I'm not sure what your mum's motivation to sabotage Christmas is - a funny story to tell perhaps? But I wouldn't be going there again and I would be thoroughly pissed off about what she did too.

My great-grandfather never forgave the German who fouled him during the Christmas Day "No-Man's Land" football match in 1916 either . . . 😂

(Not really - but my God, he carried grudges! 😡)

FWIW, OP - I'd still be seething, too! Especially when you'd repeatedly reminded her about it, and she actually said the turkey was defrosting (that's what I'd have taken from "I'm doing it now.")

This could be my mum too. She refuses to even try and learn to do something or even try something out... She has to be shown or have it done for her. Even simple things like pressing a button or setting something easy up. Won't make her own calls or send her own emails. Also can't tell a story without going round the houses and embellishing details rather than getting straight to the point. She panics at something even tiny going wrong and makes it a huge thing when it's nothing even a tiny bit important.

It's all to appear innocent and defenseless to the outside world as she has to be cared for (she has me as her carer) because she "can't do anything for herself." to her children and daughter in law it's emotional blackmail to keep us close to her and we are all sick of it.

Crikey. You are most definitely not BU. That would have absolutely infuriated me. You even made a point of reminding her. I’m annoyed for you!

I’m another one in the attention seeking with a side helping of thick camp.

There are always those people who think playing dumb and ditzy makes them absolutely adorable and sounds like your mum is one of them. If she brings it up again asking if you’re still annoyed, I would wait until after Christmas so as not to spoil it but I would tell her. She needs to know that acting like an idiot isn’t remotely endearing.

Do you think there could be an underlying issue like adhd/add?

I would do what you've done and just sort it yourself in future.

I'd never go to hers for Xmas dinner again but invite her to mine. I'd not let her ruin Xmas dinner for DD.

My mum died at Christmas 20 years ago, do I win?