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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt we weren't invited?

298 replies

Snowpea987 · 18/12/2022 11:39

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 18/12/2022 22:36

I would find it humiliating to ask why I wasn’t invited. People can incite whomever they wish. I just draw my own conclusions and act accordingly.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 18/12/2022 23:21

QueefQueen80s · 18/12/2022 17:04

I hate it when men and their wandering eyes spoil female friendships.. happens all the time.

Show quote history

I'm assuming sarcasm? The

QueefQueen80s · 18/12/2022 23:25

@WomanStanleyWoman2 No not sarcasm. Me and most women I've known have had instances of being cut out or distanced from due to their husband/DP taking a fancy. They'd rather erase the female friend from their life, who hasn't done anything wrong, than deal with their wandering eyed sleaze.

Redebs · 19/12/2022 00:10

If you're going ahead with the New Year celebrations, then bear in mind that there's a big chance that none of the couples friendship group will come. The snooty excluders might be hosting their own do this year.
Only go ahead if you have plenty of other genuinely close friends who will come anyway. You don't want to be in the middle of your own party, disappointed that so many didn't turn up.

Judgyjudgy · 19/12/2022 00:20

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 18/12/2022 12:38

Sometimes not everyone has the same group

say, to you these 8 are your group, but to the hosts they maybe have another group that overlaps with yours but does not include you

i have various WhatsApp groups that overlap, but are not the same

How close are you to these hosts? Maybe they just don’t see you as their inner circle of friends?

it’s rare for 8 people to all be equally close to one another and have no friends outside the “group”

That’s my experience anyway

I think asking them why you were not invited us bad advice. Would anyone really do that?

This! I don't understand this obsession over not being invited to something (many threads like this) it's truly bizarre

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/12/2022 00:34

Um, the OP said that both she and her DH participated in their wedding. So it's hardly a matter of "maybe you are just on the fringe of their social group...."

Why people try to minimize this is beyond me.

Original poster
Snowpea987 · 19/12/2022 07:07

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/12/2022 19:31

You're a bigger person than I if you can bring yourself to proceed with the NYE party.

Have you already issued the invitations? Is it a sit-down event or just drinks/finger foods?

You might take this as an opportunity to include others so it's not just the same set of couples. Surely there are people whose paths you've crossed who might be grateful and surprised for a casual invitation to nip in for some fizz and snacks. Especially single people, or people in a different age range to yours. Lots of middle-aged women get overlooked at times like this.

It would show your "friends" that your circle is wider than just them, and go a long way toward establishing some new friends. Are there neighbours or shopkeepers or dog walkers or any others in your vicinity who might enjoy an unexpected inclusion to your party? You could make it clear that it's drop in / drop out so you aren't entertaining them for four or five hours that evening.

This is actually very good advice thankyou, the invites have already been sent with everyone including the excluding couple rsvping yes so it would be a case of uninviting them all. It is a finger foods and drinks set up with some family and a few other people attending but I like the idea of inviting some other people as the start of opening up new friendships.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 19/12/2022 07:21

Judgyjudgy · 19/12/2022 00:20

This! I don't understand this obsession over not being invited to something (many threads like this) it's truly bizarre

Show quote history

For those suggesting perhaps we aren't as close as we thought, part of overlapping groups etc. 12 months ago I was a bridesmaid and DH an usher at the wedding so the lack of invite is really odd.

Yeah OP totally normal for them now to suddenly ditch you, honestly what are you even thinking being upset about this? Bizarre. Confused

ButterCrackers · 19/12/2022 07:35

Snowpea987 · 19/12/2022 07:07

This is actually very good advice thankyou, the invites have already been sent with everyone including the excluding couple rsvping yes so it would be a case of uninviting them all. It is a finger foods and drinks set up with some family and a few other people attending but I like the idea of inviting some other people as the start of opening up new friendships.

Show quote history

Will you actually enjoy the event you are hosting? If not cancel it for the friends and non friends but keep the family invites. You are giving your time to these friends and non friends. Do you like their company?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/12/2022 09:17

QueefQueen80s · 18/12/2022 23:25

@WomanStanleyWoman2 No not sarcasm. Me and most women I've known have had instances of being cut out or distanced from due to their husband/DP taking a fancy. They'd rather erase the female friend from their life, who hasn't done anything wrong, than deal with their wandering eyed sleaze.

Well then I’m afraid the woman who won’t address it is just as much to blame for the loss of the friendship. We can all choose who to blame.

NoelNoNoel · 19/12/2022 09:26

Snowpea987
Have there been any other Christmas get togethers or as far as you know was the dinner party one the only one?. How do you normally exchange presents, or was the dinner party/present exchanges a new thing?

QueefQueen80s · 19/12/2022 09:44

@WomanStanleyWoman2 Well I'm afraid you are wrong.

LadyEloise1 · 19/12/2022 10:01

@QueefQueen80s
It's not just their wandering eyes. Their hands too.
I hate bumping into a certain couple. She is lovely but he had wandering hands in the past. Most inappropriate.
I'm sure she notices my fluster when I meet them. I can't wait to get away.
I'm sure if questioned he'd deny it and turn the tables. Sad

SleeplessInEngland · 19/12/2022 10:14

As someone else said, your idea of the 'group' may just be your perception while the host has a different idea. Doesn't mean they suddenly hate you or that they'll flake out of your NYE party. Just that we all have more than one social circle and not everyone's going to be invited to everything.

QueefQueen80s · 19/12/2022 10:21

LadyEloise1 · 19/12/2022 10:01

@QueefQueen80s
It's not just their wandering eyes. Their hands too.
I hate bumping into a certain couple. She is lovely but he had wandering hands in the past. Most inappropriate.
I'm sure she notices my fluster when I meet them. I can't wait to get away.
I'm sure if questioned he'd deny it and turn the tables. Sad

Yes this is it.. if you want to keep the friendship then you're best staying quiet because you'll be the one faded out.
Disgusting but true Angry

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/12/2022 10:25

SleeplessInEngland · 19/12/2022 10:14

As someone else said, your idea of the 'group' may just be your perception while the host has a different idea. Doesn't mean they suddenly hate you or that they'll flake out of your NYE party. Just that we all have more than one social circle and not everyone's going to be invited to everything.

She was a member of their wedding party last year. 😐

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/12/2022 10:44

QueefQueen80s · 19/12/2022 09:44

@WomanStanleyWoman2 Well I'm afraid you are wrong.

I’m wrong for saying that a woman choosing to drop a friend because she thinks/knows her husband is attracted to her, rather than telling her husband to keep his eyes (or hands) to himself, is ruining her own friendship? Okaaaay…

thelonghaul · 19/12/2022 10:51

Sounds like a plan

QueefQueen80s · 19/12/2022 10:57

@WomanStanleyWoman2 Oh do you mean the woman with the husband?
Then I agree 😂
I thought you meant the woman the husband is sleazing on.

Mandyjack · 19/12/2022 17:46

Go ahead but don't invite the couple who had the Christmas party

Candycane112 · 19/12/2022 17:49

Snowpea987 · 18/12/2022 12:24

Clearly a lot of you have a lot more balls than me. I don't think I could bring myself to directly confront them.
For those suggesting a simple misunderstanding I really don't think so. This hasn't been mentioned in the WhatsApp group, absolutely nothing was on social media when usually it would be all over it etc.
I guess I shouldn't exclude myself from all the others but I'm hurt that none of them have mentioned our absence etc.
I think I'll try and talk to the friend who let it slip and see whats going on.

And this may be partly why the couple excluded you. They know you wouldn't confront so careful on with the CF behaviour

Shameful behaviour really. I'm assumed you haven't had any disagreements or arguments with anyone?

MarkHemmings · 19/12/2022 17:51

Sounds like they're not your friends after all doesn't it ...

CocoFifi · 19/12/2022 17:52

Just be honest with the people that “didn’t invite you. The. You can either clear the air, or move on. Don’t cut off everyone else

Justbefair · 19/12/2022 18:02

I would have to find out and woukd ask why you were excluded, in a nice way of course,is there an issue? Also be the better person and go ahead with new year, you will be in charge and I'm sure the other couples will have questioned you being missing. Not nice at all, can't understand why some people do this. X

Dillydollydingdong · 19/12/2022 18:02

Can't you just ask them? Not in a confrontational way. Say to the wife you'd like to have a quiet word " I understand you've arranged a party but we aren't invited. Have we done something to upset you?"