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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be hurt we weren't invited?

298 replies

Snowpea987 · 18/12/2022 11:39

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 18/12/2022 16:51

As @LolaMoon said...

If these are good friends then you should feel comfortable enough to ask them. You can do this calmly and politely. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. A simple, “hey there! X said you had a party last week- sounds fab. I wanted to ask you if we had done something to upset you as we weren’t invited and it would have been lovely to see you all before Christmas. Is everything ok???

You could say something like this. You don't need to be confrontational and arsey (like I probably would be LOL,) just ASK !!!

Something similar happened to someone I know a few years ago... 8 couples invited by Jenny and Steve (to their new year's eve party,) except the ONE couple Louise and David. Long story short, it turned out that Jenny suspected her husband Steve fancied Louise. (I suspect so too.)

So she and David were not invited to the big new year party at Jenny and Steve's house. This is not necessarily the reason you and your DH were left out, but there must be a reason. You NEED to know what the reason is @Snowpea987

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/12/2022 16:53

Oh, and the friendship between the two couples didn't last after that.

QueefQueen80s · 18/12/2022 17:04

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/12/2022 16:53

Oh, and the friendship between the two couples didn't last after that.

I hate it when men and their wandering eyes spoil female friendships.. happens all the time.

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/12/2022 17:08

Something similar happened to someone I know a few years ago... 8 couples invited by Jenny and Steve (to their new year's eve party,) except the ONE couple Louise and David. Long story short, it turned out that Jenny suspected her husband Steve fancied Louise. (I suspect so too.)

This is one reason why constructing your entire social life around coupledom is always a bit of a hire wire act. I've always been quite suspicious of people who only want to be friends with other couples. For several reasons:

a) In any given friendship group comprised only of couples only some couples will stay the course. If Couple A split up and then John immediately couples up with Helen from next door he's going to become alienated from the group, while he might suddenly find that he suddenly has to become friends with all of Helen's friendship group (who may be suspicious of him).

b) the nature of the dynamics doesn't allow much space for intermingling between couples. If Bob from couple A decides to have a long chat with Sue from couple C at a dinner party without Steve and Anne from couple B could get suspicious and gossip about it to Couple D.

c) It suggests a level of suspicion and mistrust of single people because they are seen to pose a risk to any of the existing couples (not to mention a closed-minded approach to people who aren't in a relationship.)

I was part of a friendship group when I was in my mid-late 20s with a bunch of couples and I was the only single person in the group. I discovered that some of them had taken to having gatherings only as couples which they didn't tell me about but which one later confessed I'd been left out of "so as not to make you feel left out". It was absolutely pathetic, as if I was going to be jealous of people simply based on their relationship status. I dropped most of them after that.

Bringing a mix of other people into the group, including singles, makes for a much more open and relaxed dynamic.

hot2trotter · 18/12/2022 17:18

I knew you'd go with the doormat option.
I'd first ask them both what the issue was - and then uninvite them. I don't like being 💩 on.

Dacquoise · 18/12/2022 17:39

LizBuin · 18/12/2022 12:18

From a similar experience a few years ago I realised that actually the rest of the group didn't give a shit, as long as they kept getting invitations from both sides.

This is my experience too. With hindsight I think taking the bull by the horns and asking the excluders why they didn't invite you us the best solution for your own well being.

Don't let it fester, doesn't have to be an aggressive confrontation but let's them know you are aware, are hurt by it and need an explanation.

Quarique · 18/12/2022 17:46

Well, if they haven't all recently seen each other they will all have lots of presents to exchange with all the couples...

Startingagain8 · 18/12/2022 17:47

7eleven · 18/12/2022 12:36

Find the balls to ask them. It’s not fair to involve the friend who inadvertently told you about the party.

Agreed, I'm that friend who was always inadvertently dragged into others grievances because people wouldn't confront each other directly. I wanted to be a peacemaker and genuinely didn't mind to begin with but on a few occasions it blew up in my face so I've learnt my lesson.

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2022 17:50

MrsTumblebee · 18/12/2022 14:17

It's not just the couple hosting. It was hidden from you by the vast majority as well. There's clearly an issue and I'd want to know what it was

spot on

It is entirely possible that the others didn't know until the OP met one of the group and the rest on the actual night.

I wouldn't ask. I just wouldn't invite that couple. Why should you? And don't discuss it with the others unless they raise it with you.

butterfliedtwo · 18/12/2022 17:53

MontyK · 18/12/2022 16:22

Hmm I think your 'good friend' who let it slip has been sneaky and sly too, then feigning confusion about why you weren't invited. Bullshit, I think she knows exactly why. Let's face it, it surely would have been brought up at the gathering!

Personally I'd find it very hard to host a NYE party for all of them knowing that they had all colluded with the arsehole hosts.

Agree with all of this. I wouldn't be able to trust any of them easily again. I'd be pretty hurt.

DiWoo · 18/12/2022 17:54

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if repeating someone else but I’d be tempted to say, at least to the other hosting couple “oh and we can all do present exchange, being as we haven’t had a chance to do that yet….”

familyissues12345 · 18/12/2022 18:00

If you can do it, I'd be brave and ask. It'll fester within you if you don't. You just need to be prepared for the answer

TerfOnATrain · 18/12/2022 18:05

These situations make me so sad, why do some people never grow out of school meanness.

i can’t understand it, and with six couples even if they can’t stand you, it would have been easier to invite you and spend less time with you.

weird.

Mari9999 · 18/12/2022 18:09

If there is a true friendship, you can trust that they had a reasonable reason for not inviting you. If they are unhappy with you, they will not come to your NYE event, and that will signal the end of the relationship and you can all move on knowing that you are no longer socializing. This process will do away with the need to have a conversation that makes anyone uncomfortable.

No sensible people want confrontations with those they have once been friends. There can be a bit of logic to ending relationships with the kind of people who feel the need to have unnecessary confrontations or to engage in petty revenge behavior. You have not lost much when you are no longer socializing with those types of people.

Mature adults remember the good times and move on.

drpet49 · 18/12/2022 18:11

LizBuin · 18/12/2022 12:18

From a similar experience a few years ago I realised that actually the rest of the group didn't give a shit, as long as they kept getting invitations from both sides.

Yep. I found this out the hard way too.

BCBird · 18/12/2022 18:13

I don't think itbis up to the others to mention your absence. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. One couple didn't invite you for whatever reason it not all the couples. I would ring and ask. If it going to eat away st u why not? Sometimes 5 minutes uncomfortable chat can prevent hours of discomfort

DonnaDonna0 · 18/12/2022 18:16

I’m not up for conflict but in this situation I would ask the friend who let it slip to confirm who was there and if like you suspect and it was all couples apart from you, I would then speak to this couple directly.
It will never be the same now if your worrying over what’s gone on and you won’t enjoy your NYE’s party if you don’t clear it all up.

CheshireCat1 · 18/12/2022 18:16

Go ahead with the nye as planned, hand over their Christmas gift and say sorry that it’s late due to circumstances beyond your control, watch their faces, smile and walk away.
Life is too short for getting worked up over people like this.

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/12/2022 18:17

I completely agree with your post at 17.08 @Thepeopleversuswork I HATE friendship groups comprised of couples only. Me and DH have been in friendships with couples 3 times in our 30-ish years together. Once in our early 20s, once in our early 30s, once in our late 40s. Every single one went sour.

The first 2 went a bit funny and weird after a year or so. Both couples seemed competitive, and one of the women in the second couple got arsey when me and DH had a daughter, as she had 2 sons and wanted a daughter, and couldn't bear to be around our baby girl. 'You can come around as long as your daughter doesn't come. It's triggering.' FFS. Hmm

And the man in the second couple kept making remarks to me that suggested he fancied me a bit, and it made me super uncomfortable. The THIRD couple friendship went downhill quickly, when we realised they were actually quite rude and unpleasant cunts not long after we met them. Took about half a year of ignoring them and ghosting them to get them to fuck off.

Derbee · 18/12/2022 18:19

I’d have the NYE a party, and keep the invites the same. They might not come. If they’re brazen enough to come, you can ASK about the situation (not CONFRONT).

“Have I done something to upset you? Only because you had everyone over the other night, and I didn’t know why we’d have been excluded? I’d hate to think something has happened which you’re unable to discuss with me?”

(Thereby implying that she’s a petty coward who would rather ignore and offend rather than have an honest conversation)

Badger1970 · 18/12/2022 18:22

Every single person who attended that party was complicit in your absence from it. Something has happened somewhere along the line, and they're obviously not going to mention it.

They're not friends OP, not any single one of them. I'd dust myself down, accept there are some shit people around, and move on with my head held high.

PlanningTowns · 18/12/2022 18:23

You clearly were close as you were bm and usher at their wedding in the past year! Therefore to strip out all the crap, just ask them…. They are the only ones who can tell you! Don’t bring your other friend into it, it will cause wider conflict longer term.

you don’t need to be all defensive, just straight to the point and a bit breezy.

beware, some people can’t cope with this though and will ignore your question or deflect because ‘they don’t do conflict!’. In this scenario you’re none the wiser, so I’d sack them off for the nye party. Happened to me recently. I delivered olive branches, asked what the issue was… nada… nothing, but clearly an issue with me. Then out of nowhere they acted all ‘normal’, Ive been polite but I’m not going down that road again. I’m too old for the drama and think about what I’d tell my child in this scenario!!!

Dinomum79 · 18/12/2022 18:24

I would be hurt too but don’t let this spoil the whole group. I think I would need to ask them why though.
sometimes you don’t get on with people but to invite everybody else and not you seems harsh!
For there to be no messages /social media would indicate that the others knew.

Genuine question though , what do you do in this group situation if there is a couple that most don’t get on with? While you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, life is too short to spend a lot of time with people you don’t get on with 🤔

MintChocCornetto · 18/12/2022 18:43

I think if you're going to do anything it has to be direct with the couple who didn't invite you

Don't involve any of the guests - they might be feeling awkward about it anyway and then you'll be the one creating drama rather than the rude couple

Don't do anything PA like not inviting them to your NYE party in revenge

In the past I have PA reacted to a situation like this and it just made the whole situation worse. They didn't realise what they'd done, but they did notice me not inviting them to stuff and backed off massively. It has taken years to get over the misunderstanding and we're good friends again but I wish I'd womaned up at the time and used my words to express my hurt.

In a similar situation recently I did say something and got a fulsome apology and an explanation and everything is fine now. Things go much better when you speak to people like an adult believe me. It's not easy, but it is the best option.

magicscares · 18/12/2022 18:48

I had this op in a small & well to do village. One minute we were part of the gang, next I knew they were making plans without us. No explanation or reason that I was aware of. One occasion we bumped into them in the local pub, We could hear them laughing away without us & it was pretty awks.

A mutual friend more recently asked the main ‘excluder’ about what happened & she just said we drifted apart but she didn’t know why. Lol.

I’ve since moved away. In hindsight I should have realised this would happen; before me they would poke fun at others for ridiculous things, like an accent! Horrible really, but at the time I was naive.

i think they deemed me as not quite up to their perceived standard. It really hurt for a while.

I’m glad you had a lovely doggy walk & have plans to broaden your social circle. There are plenty of lovely people out there 😊

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