To be hurt we weren't invited?

[Snowpea987]

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

Very hurtful. We’ve experienced similar. I probably backed off everyone to my detriment. However I’m now on reflection now particularly keen on any of the group as they are soo very two faced. The advice you’ve been given by many is spot on go ahead and host but see how it pans out in future and maybe don’t invite that couple in future !

Oh for Gods sake, just talk to the original hosting couple like an adult.

You don't have to be whispering in corners like a schoolgirl.

Deal with it. And don't blame the people who didn't realise you weren't invited.

Grow up!

We had this situation back in the summer . DH spoke to the host who insisted it was a word of mouth invite and blamed the other friends for not passing the message on . However DH knew the other friends had had a private invite from the host . The host now doesn’t speak to us as he knows he got caught lying .

Apologies this wasn’t meant to be on here and don’t know how to delete 🤦🏻‍♀️

The person who hosted the party is not your friend.

If I had the balls I'd open the door to them on NYE with an "oh gosh I wasn't expecting you! After your gathering last week which we weren't invited to I assumed we had fallen out"

I would send a message in the WhatsApp group

Hi everyone

I hope you all had a lovely evening at the dinner party last week. Just a reminder about our New Year's Eve gathering. Hope to see you all there. Have a wonderful Christmas! Xxx

Have you both got children that could have been the root of a fallout? Do you work shifts, have they assumed you would not make it? Do you owe them a meal/return which has caused a grievance?

I would be annoyed and not sure I would invite them on NYE, however. best advice I’m sure is to be the bigger man and act like nothing has happened!

YANBU But if you have already sent the invites out then wait and see if they turn up, if they do ask them if they had a nice Xmas party and then blank them all night, they'll get the message and feel awkward Then just avoid them in the future. their loss!

You are naughty 😮

Thats 10 for dinner which is a lot. I bet their table seats ten and it's already a squeeze to have more

I think you will need to speak to them if you want this resolved. I know it's far from easy, but unless you get an explanation it's going to leave you with uncomfortable feelings long term. If they were originally your DH's friendship group, can you persuade him to ask? It does sound like very odd behaviour. It's inevitable within a large group of friends for some to feel closer than others, but to be the only couple excluded is bizarre and they surely must have known you'd find out. I hope you get it sorted and have a fabulous new year's party x

Yanbu to be upset, it could be a genuine error or maybe the host couple didn’t for some random reason, and the others may have felt uncomfortable when realising on arrival not all the group were there.

Up to you (and I’d be livid, cross, sad, aggrieved etc), but I would proceed full throttle with party, making it the best ever and laugh off any apology (when I say laugh off, laugh in a confident what you didn’t invite me you cheeky little @&”£ - not kind laugh)!

Make everyone feel like they’ve had the best night, and a little bit embarrassed and bad that you didn’t get that original invite. Then park it.

if you’re not invited again, then you’re welcome to do whatever you like !
Don’t let people like this make you feel sad, I’d rather have little to no friends than people like that. If people are worth it others will make contact with you.

frankly, people like that are just a bit too mean for me.

I definitely would not be inviting them to NY

I would definitely speak to her, unless there is a genuine reason for excluding you I wouldn't be comfortable to continue in the current set up. It is actually very unhealthy. It might be that dynamic has always been there, you were not alert to it before.

I would go ahead with the party after sounding out all of the other guests first to check they are coming - and would make a decision based on her reason for the exclusion.

I feel for you op. Years ago I was drawn into a friendship "group" via my husband as they were his friends. Just recently I've realised I only actually get on well with one other couple and like a couple of the other blokes as in they're nice guys but have Jack shit in common with their boring, gossipy small minded wives. I've developed my own friendships now mostly individual rather than a "group". I think friendship groups can be toxic and harmful to your own wellbeing!

We're having a Xmas drinks gathering this week and I've not invited one couple on the WhatsApp group I've set up as the wife has recently been horrifically rude to me and I rarely get invited to their mumsy gatherings. DH will invite the husband individually he's welcome but not her. After her behaviour towards me I'm past caring if it causes awkwardness. I expect it will be the woman's doing in your situation op, the jealousy that goes on between women is horrible.

I hate when things like this happen. I'm sorry you feel excluded. You will handle NYE like the smart woman you are. They are arses.

Did I miss a part about what your husband has to say about this?

I can understand how hurt you must feel and also that you might be reluctant to say anything. Not inviting them back is a bit passive-aggressive but then it looks like they were too. On that basis I'd be inclined to not invite them or do as somebody else suggested and write rather pointedly on the invite that you will understand if they would rather not come. They might get the hint. I just can't understand why some people have to be so spiteful and petty. For God's sake life is too short, isn't it?

I think I would go ahead with your new year party, I would invite all the couples except the ones that didn’t invite me to the Christmas dinner. I think that’s really rude and disrespectful of them and I would be really upset. I would even be tempted to openly confront them and ask why you weren’t invited. How can you trust people and call them friends when they don’t include you. I have to say I have adopted an approach now where I don’t I’m eat in those that don’t invest in me, I simply don’t have the time.

That’s should read that I don’t invest in those who don’t invest in me.

Could it be as simple as they don't have enough space to seat everyone and you're the ones they are least close to?

That said, I agree it's awful to be excluded, I've been on the receiving end of that. I've also been the person mentioning an event to a non-invited person. So embarrassing all round.
Even if it's to do with lack of seating, I don't think I could go ahead knowing I'd just excluded one couple and would switch to a buffet.
If you are to move on from this, I think you need to ask those you are closest to in the group to casually mention it. You don't have to invite everyone, but excluding one couple for no apparent reason is cruel.

The reason it's not over their social media is the embarrassment. Just go ahead and invite as you normally wood. Make sure you enjoy yourselves and if the previous hosts choose not to come then worry about that after the party. Don't let playground tantrums get in the way - if needs be (but I don't think it does) then just be the bigger person.

They are rude OP. Go high- completely ignore it. I’m interested to see what your friend says- I imagine someone may have asked where you are so would be interesting to see if anyone did and what their response was.
im sorry though- being left out is so shit

This 👍