To be hurt we weren't invited?

[Snowpea987]

Myself and DH are in a group of about 6 couples. We meet up once a month or so, been on a few trips away together etc. And have done for years. I should also point out DH was friends with most of these couples before we met but over the years they've become just as much my friends as his.
I accidentally learnt that on Tuesday one of the couples hosted a big Christmas dinner party and gift exchange and invited everyone but us. The friend who let slip this was happening seemed to do so in genuine error as she asked me what I was wearing and was taken aback when I said we weren't invited.
I am really hurt not only by not being invited but by the fact the other friends who attended haven't mentioned it, nothing on social media even from those who usually post everything etc. Like it's being intentionally hidden.
I'm supposed to be hosting a new years get together and I'm torn as to whether to let it go ahead and move on or to cancel it. This is my main friendship group nearby, I moved with DH and so most of my friends from before those days are far and I only see them once or twice a year. I don't want to isolate myself completely and I'm useless at making new friends but I'm not sure how to move past this.

This is a good idea.

I had ‘friends’ that started doing this after my husband had a MH breakdown, they basically didn’t want us bringing them down (I had a newborn baby at the time too so was hugely struggling and not much fun). I spent about 6 months mourning the friendship (been friends for about 30 years), feeling shit about myself as I thought this was a reflection on me. Time is a healer and, whilst I am still so angry and sad about it, I don’t think about it all so much and just think they weren’t very good friends. Honestly hate this sort of playground BS, very mean girls. I’m happier now, and feel stronger and more appreciative of good friends who have stood by us

It’s happened to us. Not invited to concerts, drinks at their house, trips away when our entire social group was included. I’ve just carried on and continued inviting them. It’s super confusing! She will even tell me about things when was not invited.

Now I find others mentioning similar experiences with her. And over the years I’ve heard how certain events that I missed out on were not even fun. This is petty but I did find some bit of relief in that.

Just continue to be yourself, do things the way you normally would. It feels pretty strong to continue being nice even when others are thoughtless.

Everyone who's saying "All the couples are colluding!!!111!!!1!1!" needs to get a grip. If you go to a party and everyone is there bar 2 people you just assume they're not around right? Or you ask after them vaguely. But it's 24 people. Nobody is close friends with 22 other people and keeps tabs on every one of them at a party.

Carry on with NYE as planned but widen your social circle if you can. Then, it won’t hurt so much if this nonsense happens again with this couple.

You're a bigger person than I if you can bring yourself to proceed with the NYE party.

Have you already issued the invitations? Is it a sit-down event or just drinks/finger foods?

You might take this as an opportunity to include others so it's not just the same set of couples. Surely there are people whose paths you've crossed who might be grateful and surprised for a casual invitation to nip in for some fizz and snacks. Especially single people, or people in a different age range to yours. Lots of middle-aged women get overlooked at times like this.

It would show your "friends" that your circle is wider than just them, and go a long way toward establishing some new friends. Are there neighbours or shopkeepers or dog walkers or any others in your vicinity who might enjoy an unexpected inclusion to your party? You could make it clear that it's drop in / drop out so you aren't entertaining them for four or five hours that evening.

You're nicer than I am. I wouldn't have people who have deliberately excluded me in my house.

Have the party but don’t invite the ones who excluded you 😂

im not surprised you feel a bit shit about it, I would invite everyone and PM the couple and say understand if you can’t make it. I assume we have offended you in some way as you didn’t invite us to your Xmas bash. And leave it at that. If there has been a miscommunication they will soon pipe up.

YANBU. It must be hurtful.

I like your DH's idea about "love bombing" the couple who haven't invited you. And also agree with PPs about inviting a LOT more people.

Good luck - it's awful when we get such a different view of those we think are our friends. It's hard to hold on to the fact that it's them that have the problem, not you.

IMO set friendship groups are a bad idea for this reason.

So now you’re part of a friendship group it is expected that you will all do everything together and if for whatever reason you want to do something with some and not others there has to be this big analysis along with hurt feelings and need to wonder why you’ve not been invited.

Nobody should feel obligated to invite someone to every event they have. No friendship is compulsory and once you are friends with someone including them in your every move doesn’t have to be a given.

And as for the people saying the other couples were part of it, exactly what do you expect them to do? Say “I’m not staying because x isn’t invited”? Like the originating friend, they are entitled to be invited to an event which one of their group isn’t invited to without feeling the need to take some kind of stand.

Ultimately if you value these people as friends then carry on. if you start being excluded as a regular thing then perhaps re-think, but they’re entitled to do things without you.

If it had been some of the couples then I would agree but it wasn’t. It was everyone couple except the OP. That’s a pretty blunt rejection. In my experience some people get off on shit like this, almost like it’s some weird control issue. The fact that no one mentioned it either is also pretty obvious. If it was a casual invite to just some of the group then why not mention it?

makes it even worse. just a pretentious kind of friendship. This whole thread reminds me of the superficial school brigade of well to do middle class type hosting around their circle and blanking when you don't fit in /anymore (not saying you don't OP)

Agree. If it were three out of six couples, or something like that, it would be one thing. Six out of seven invited is hurtful.

I was friends with a girl all through school and young adulthood. Bridesmaid at her first wedding, let her live with me when she left the waster a few years later, helped her get into and furnish her flat. When teens we were frequently overnight at one another's homes (though I think her parents always thought my family was lower-class than them, and were aloof) and she referred to my father as her "second dad."

She met a surgeon when we were around age 30 and pursued him like a big game hunter in Kenya. Finally bagged him with pressure from his sisters. Again I (who was perenially single) helped her plan the wedding, served as bridesmaid, my parents decorated the chapel, blah blah. I thought we were best friends for life.

About a year into her marriage she said something like "Bill and I are going to host a formal dinner party; I'm so excited about planning it. Black tie. It's too bad you aren't dating anyone as we're only inviting couples."

Mind blown. I never excluded her from anything when she was single, or would have dreamed of doing so. We stayed in touch for a few years but I never really felt that same after that and withdrew from the friendship; just stopped responding to cards/e-mails etc. That was more than 20 years ago. Ran into her sister a couple of years ago and after some questioning, told her that anecdote. She looked aghast and said "I'm embarrassed to be related to her."

People can have weird notions. The older I get the less likely I am to tolerate their bullshit.

Everyone who's saying "All the couples are colluding!!!111!!!1!1!" needs to get a grip. If you go to a party and everyone is there bar 2 people you just assume they're not around right? Or you ask after them vaguely.

Good point

we don’t know that it was only the other couples who were invited though and whether there were other people at this party.

Thing is we don’t know whether there might be valid reasons for excluding the OP.

There are plenty of posts on here who are part of friendship groups where one particular person or couple makes the group a difficult place to be and where they are encouraged to phase them out.

Sometimes a whole group excluding someone is bullying it sometimes it is perfectly valid, and we have no idea which.

We often host drinks Christmas morning for a few families, and whoever is staying with them for Christmas . Another family have offered to host it this year , but have not invited one family as they ' don't have the room/ don't really see them anymore.
We have declined the invite and will host the other family as I just can't bear the thought of leaving out people we have seen every every Christmas day for 20 years .
No drama, we will se the others at church and other parties over the season

Personally I would confront the couple who hosted, it was their party so their choice not to invite you. As for the others, it does sound like they have intentionally kept things quiet, but they might feel as uncomfortable about it as you do.

Feel awful for you but honestly who needs 'friends' like this!

As for your New Years party, I would wait and see what gets said by this couple and go from there, but be prepared to cancel it if needs be. Why on earth would you host people who have been so mean to you.

Good advice

This 1000%! Unless they are sociopathic, nobody likes getting involved in petty little dramas (which is what this will be seen as to the rest of the group... Obviously it's a huge deal for you!). They'll just want to keep the status quo and be invited to stuff.

If you've left most of your friends and this is your main local friendship group, I'd be wary of burning my bridges too quickly. You don't want to end up with nobody! Especially if you find it hard to make friends (totally sympathise with you here, I can't seem to make friends, ever!). At the same time I'd look to expanding my circle of friends, you don't want to rely on this group too much.

Carriemac, you sound so grownup. Imagine, just moving on with no acrimony and no need for revenge . You can accept another person's decision without reading malicious intent into the actions. Not everything is nefarious or ill intentioned , and not even the closest of friends are entitled to an invite to every event. There may be perfectly valid reasons, intentional or unintentional , why someone or several people may not have been invited to a certain event.
A one time miss hardly seems to be a reason to end what has been an otherwise pleasant event.

Not easy, though.

no it’s not, I agree @Mumtobabyhavoc it may be best way to find out what’s going on. But most of us balk at confrontation.

@MysteryBelle me, too!

I'm not surprised you're upset. I would be as well. I hate things like that. But I think the worst thing would be to exclude yourself from the group.