Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You'll just have to get on with it"

277 replies

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 09:02

Said to me this morning by "D" P as he left for work, whilst I was sobbing and upset due to the room literally spinning whilst I wretched over a bucket, faced with the prospect of caring for our toddler all day by myself when feeling rough as hell with covid. I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her, I feel that unwell.

I get that he can't stay home from work to help. But for the love of god would a bit of empathy have killed him?! Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc. Why is he so cold and uncaring? Anyone else have partners who say shit like this?

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work. But this time, I really do feel horrendous and just needed more from him than .... well, being told to get on with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DesertIslandCondiment · 17/12/2022 12:03

PattyDuke · 17/12/2022 11:05

That's a very talented toddler you have OP - tell her to be careful with the hot kettle when making you that cup of tea.

You'd make a shit detective 😂

LisaLovedUp · 17/12/2022 12:04

PollyPicket2 · 17/12/2022 11:48

You do sound quite needy OP. For context both exP and I work full time and have never needed to bother the other due to illness/childcare. Generally dosing up on paracetamol/Calpol and carrying on with work/school is what most people do.

I think your comments are unbelievable. I know many couples where they check in with each other if one is unwell, or take time off work if necessary to look after a young child if the other parent is very poorly. Maybe the fact he's your 'ex' means you didn't have that great a relationship anyway, so it's not an example to follow.

Stunningscreamer · 17/12/2022 12:04

jannier · 17/12/2022 12:02

What he should have said if he really had to go....after getting up early and sorting out

I've done X's nappy and breakfast filled his drink, lunch is ready in the fridge.....or near you...hers something for you incase you want to eat or drink. Play area set up so you can sit and watch him....anything else you need,
Don't worry about anything else I'll sort tea, mess etc later and I've called x to see if they can help
Love you.....

And that would have made all the difference and is not expecting too much at all, it's just being a loving partner and a team player.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 17/12/2022 12:07

PollyPicket2 · 17/12/2022 11:48

You do sound quite needy OP. For context both exP and I work full time and have never needed to bother the other due to illness/childcare. Generally dosing up on paracetamol/Calpol and carrying on with work/school is what most people do.

Well either you haven't actually been very ill or you're both martyrs. Neither makes you in any way better than op.

LisaLovedUp · 17/12/2022 12:08

@KnobbyKnobson
This is from www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism/asperger-syndrome

Differences in social interaction

People with Asperger syndrome often have difficulty 'reading' other people - recognising or understanding others’ feelings and intentions - and expressing their own emotions. This can make it very hard for them to navigate the social world. They may:

-appear to be insensitive, even if they don't intend to be
-seek out time alone when overloaded by other people
-not seek comfort from other people
-appear to behave ‘strangely’ or in a way thought to be socially inappropriate.

This does not mean that autistic people (including those with Asperger syndrome) lack empathy or the ability to feel emotions. In many cases, they can be more empathetic or emotionally aware than non-autistic people. They may have trouble expressing their feelings in a conventional or socially appropriate way.

For these reasons, some autistic people may find it hard to form friendships. Some may want to interact with other people and make friends, but may be unsure how to go about it. Some people with Asperger syndrome may appear to be much more socially confident or adept than they really are. Many autistic adults develop more traditional skills by mimicking others around them, or by preparing what they are going to say before an event, as though learning a script. This can be effective, yet exhausting.

Soothsayer1 · 17/12/2022 12:11

Whatever he does do it back to him, however he treats you, treat him the same
Fairs fair

Apairofsparklingeyes · 17/12/2022 12:16

I’m quite shocked at how nasty some people have been to a woman who is unwell, struggling with covid and dealing with an uncaring partner while looking after a toddler.

@sofedupofthisshit I divorced my ex for similar behaviour because his actions when things were tough (illness and bereavement) showed me who I was really married to. You’d probably be happier being single as you deserve so much better than this.

Orangepolentacake · 17/12/2022 12:18

LisaLovedUp · 17/12/2022 11:19

I'm sorry you are receiving this kind of response. It's really not good enough.

I'm going to throw something in here and it's for you to think about. It may not be the case, but just bear it in mind.

I have experience in working with adults on the autistic spectrum. I wonder if he has undiagnosed Asperger's? One common way it presents is lack of empathy, but also his choice of career- forces- gives a structure and routine that people with Asp find 'comforting'.

Likewise, they hate change (and you say he won't look for another job even though his employer is supposedly crap.)

People who are Aspie can change how they behave, but they need to be taught (literally) to show empathy.

Of course he may just be a horrible selfish prick, but I thought I'd throw this in for you to think on.

Hope you feel better soon.

you have experience working with adults with ASD but use terms like Aspergers (no longer a diagnosis) and “people who are aspie”?

🤔

SeveruslyFrazzled · 17/12/2022 12:19

There are some right pieces of work on this thread. As usual. She’s asking for support and a safe place to vent not a slap in the face.

OP what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Ask yourself. You earn more. You do everything. What’s the benefit? What are the negatives?

MummyJ36 · 17/12/2022 12:23

Out of interest OP what is he like when he’s ill? Ironically I sometimes find the “just get on with it” people quickly change their tune when it’s them and not someone else who is suffering!
To be honest I’d be extremely upset if my DH said this to me when I was sick. I couldn’t fathom being married to someone so uncaring. I take it you didn’t leave your DH to look after your toddler on his own when he had noro ?! Maybe you should next time.

KnobbyKnobson · 17/12/2022 12:25

LisaLovedUp · 17/12/2022 12:01

@KnobbyKnobson

Did I say that all autistic people lacked empathy? Are you on the spectrum and feel the need to defend your self?

Having had years of professional experience, in the field, I'm standing by what I said. I asked the OP to consider it.

No, you didn't say "all", but you didn't say "some" either. Don't try to weasel out of it now you've been called out, you clearly wrote that as a blanket statement.

It's disappointing that someone with all your "professional experience" would be so patronising when corrected by someone with first hand knowledge of the condition. Apparently you don't know as much as you think you do.

Tinseltosser · 17/12/2022 12:25

AS someone with diagnosed autism, can 'people who work' with us please stop bringing us up on EVERY thread where someone has been a twat.

Thanks

whynotwhatknot · 17/12/2022 12:26

i would leave him-he could have given yur toddler their br4eakfast how wo9ld that have hurt him

you do get on with it yeah but it wo9ldnt hurt to be sympathetic-what does he do for you generally

KnobbyKnobson · 17/12/2022 12:27

Tinseltosser · 17/12/2022 12:25

AS someone with diagnosed autism, can 'people who work' with us please stop bringing us up on EVERY thread where someone has been a twat.

Thanks

But she's got "PrOfEsSiOnAl ExPeRiEnCe", you know 🙄🙄

PurpleParrotfish · 17/12/2022 12:28

Mamansparkles · 17/12/2022 10:59

Saying it once again so OP doesn't have to:

  • Yes, she can type. Lying down. She cant get up without the room spinning. Typing you can do lying down. Looking after a toddler, not so much.
  • Covid can be really serious, and often is for people with underlying conditions.like the OP has. She is very unwell with it.
  • She HASN'T asked him to stay home. She just wants him not to be a dick.
  • He does this job with an employer who is uncaring (and ignores legal workers rights around leave) because he wants to.
  • She does work, and earns more than him, and does the childcare too (because his big important job that pays less than hers is too important dont you know).
Hope you feel better soon OP, I don't know what has happened on here this morning, so many horrible posts.

Maybe there should be a little warning message that pops up before posting on Mumsnet, like when you transfer money on online banking.

Stop! Think!
Have you read the OPs posts? Or are you putting the boot in on the basis of assumptions that she has clearly explained several times aren’t true?

She wasn’t expecting him to stay home from work, she just wanted a kinder response to her feeling utterly shit, physically incapacitated with illness and worried how she would cope.

“You’ll just have to get on with with it” is what you say when you think someone is malingering, the equivalent of “Tough, not my problem.” An unkind response even to a stranger, let alone someone who you’re supposed to love and care for, and who cares for you. Some emotional support and kindness in a relationship is really not an unreasonable expectation

PurplePastaBake · 17/12/2022 12:39

Your DP may have been a dick this morning but at least you can be grateful you’re not living with some of the people posting in this thread OP. Jeez!

Hope you’re feeling better soon.

Whattodo182 · 17/12/2022 12:40

Jesus. Who rattled the cunt cup today on here. Some reading comprehension issues and nasty pricks. Anyway.

Sorry you're unwell OP. Hope you feel better soon.

I totally get why you're pissed off. FWIW. Especially as this isn't the first time he's said something like it. Seems you either need to accept he just doesn't know how to verbally convey empathy (assuming he acts appropriately in other areas of your relationship) or tell him enough is enough. Depends how much value you place on his supportive words.

Tanith · 17/12/2022 12:53

Crikeyalmighty · 17/12/2022 11:06

What is wrong with people making shitty comments- - I swear covid and 12 years of the Tory's has affected some peoples basic human decency and manners towards others who are struggling with money, health, housing etc. maybe all that working from home has affected some peoples ability to have any patience or empathy with others

No, it’s just the usual trolls out on the wind up.

Op, just ignore them. They’re not here to offer anything other than brainless responses, like the silly idiot who thinks your toddler has made you tea and not the older daughter you clearly stated had stayed to help you out. See? That one can’t even read!

bloomtoperish · 17/12/2022 13:02

See this is the kind of thing that was the end of my relationship with my son's dad. Whenever things were tough, he would just revert to being an uncaring arse. He took it further though and would tell me I was responsible for creating the situation I was in. No matter what it was because he believed in the law of attraction 🙄

I hope you feel better soon and get some proper support from him!

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 13:03

He finally saw fit to call me. He asked how I'm feeling now. I said not great, dizzy and nauseous when I stand, eldest has done pretty much everything today so far. His response? "Well you sound better anyway".

What. The. Fuck.

I give up.

OP posts:
panko · 17/12/2022 13:07

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 11:43

The room spinning and nausea is back😞
Eldest is currently sorting out the little one as I tried to get up and it hasn't gone well. This is so frustrating.

I know but try as much as you can not to push yourself too hard if there is someone who can help you. Slow and steady recovery.

Original poster
sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 13:08

I feel like I'm letting my toddler down. I'm struggling to even the basics. I'm so frustrated and upset.

OP posts:
panko · 17/12/2022 13:08

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 13:03

He finally saw fit to call me. He asked how I'm feeling now. I said not great, dizzy and nauseous when I stand, eldest has done pretty much everything today so far. His response? "Well you sound better anyway".

What. The. Fuck.

I give up.

My thoughts were this:

  1. I am glad he called you.
  2. Wow what a shithead he'd have been better off not calling.

Why is he trying to some weird mind game in which he denies your reality.

donttellmehesalive · 17/12/2022 13:09

You say he has always been like this. Did it just used to not bother you? I'm wondering why you stayed, moved in together, had a baby?

But I do think it's very obvious that he won't change. You've tried everything but he hasn't changed. So I guess you need to accept this fault in him (maybe outweighed by good things) or don't and separate.

I hope you feel better soon.

panko · 17/12/2022 13:09

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 13:08

I feel like I'm letting my toddler down. I'm struggling to even the basics. I'm so frustrated and upset.

Ah I know that feeling. That's the mum guilt. Right now though you just need to make sure toddler is safe and rest as much as you can.