"You'll just have to get on with it"

[sofedupofthisshit]

Said to me this morning by "D" P as he left for work, whilst I was sobbing and upset due to the room literally spinning whilst I wretched over a bucket, faced with the prospect of caring for our toddler all day by myself when feeling rough as hell with covid. I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her, I feel that unwell.

I get that he can't stay home from work to help. But for the love of god would a bit of empathy have killed him?! Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc. Why is he so cold and uncaring? Anyone else have partners who say shit like this?

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work. But this time, I really do feel horrendous and just needed more from him than .... well, being told to get on with it.

AIBU?

I would write everything down detailed log of what happened then when this is over you can reevaluate, take a good look at whether this relationship is really in your interests

I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work

Hmm. It is obviously horrible having health conditions, but living with someone who has "frequent flare-ups" isn't a bundle of laughs. Obviously worse for you, but they can grind the other person down too.

But this time, I really do feel horrendous

This time, as opposed to the other times when you have said you feel horrendous but didn't really feel it?

I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her

Did you seriously think there was any risk of this, or were you hoping to gain a sympathetic response from him? Is it something you've said before?

It that's the situation, you can sort of see why sympathy runs out. If that's not the situation, then he's a dick. I'm not sure leaving him is the answer, though.

I'm very pragmatic when it comes to situations like this. Dp had an open surgery op. My empathy lasted about 3-4 days. We did actually fall out about how we communicated during that period.
Not our finest moment.

Leave him. Seriously. What’s the point of him at all? At least if you didn’t have to put up with the manchlld you’d have less work to do.

When he gets sick I'd tell h to just get on with it and see if he likes it.

My husband of 20 years isn't one for soothing words or actions for either me or the children. It is what it is and to be fair, he doesn't expect soothing words or actions when he is ill either. He just isn't wired up that way and can't force himself to pretend. If you have a man like this you need to weigh up the pros and cons of a relationship with them and, if you decide to proceed, have realistic expectations. It doesn't matter how supportive or thoughtful other peoples partners are - the one you've got is the one you've got and wishing they were different won't make it so. You can only control what you do about it. OP, I do know how you feel though! Sometimes it feels particularly unkind when you are rundown, ill and exhausted and desperate to be looked after. Evaluate your compatibility when you are feeling better and GET WELL SOON! x

That’s good you’ve given up, OP. It’ll free up your life to spend it with more pleasant company than this bloke.

Can’t believe how many posters are tripping over themselves to justify this rubbish boyfriend. Mortifying for them.

God, I’m sorry for you, he’s a right selfish git.

I wouldn't expect my husband to stay off work, he wouldn't be able to anyway (he's a teacher and doesn't take time off when it's one of the kids who are sick, always falls on me as my employer is far more family friendly, plus i wfh). If I'm ill I call my parents to take the youngest if my husband is at work.

I'm probably more likely your husband, if my husband is ill I have very little sympathy. It was how I was brought up, my mum was a nurse so unless you were at deaths door, it was a case of off to school you go, we weren't allowed to be ill, if you were there was 0 sympathy and no one to look after you. I'm not like that with my children thankfully, but with my husband I just don't pander. His family are the complete opposite and a cold is treated like a terminal illness, they expect to be contacted for updates on their condition if they are slightly unwell and then revel in the attention of it all 🤣, I find it hilarious, it's a cold/the shits ffs they'll be fine in 3 days updates or not! I'm not cold or mean generally though!

we weren't allowed to be ill, if you were there was 0 sympathy and no one to look after you.

Jesus that sounds miserable. How sad. I just can't imagine not caring and showing sympathy for an unwell person, especially my child!

Thank you. Seriously evaluating everything as this isn't the first time. And I doubt it will be the last. He's emotionally cold and it's not what I need or deserve in my life any longer.

Sensitivity of a brick...I've got one of those too...

^^This was my take on it too.

Also, if I felt that horrendously terrible I wouldn't have jumped onto MN and been typing multiple posts and replies. When I have a virus or feel rough, I just want to lie still and do nothing. Chatting - and arguing in some cases online - would not be something I had the energy for when feeling really poorly. Everyone I know is the same.

The fact that OP said she felt "horrendous" and 7.30am when he left and genuinely feared that she was going to pass out, but now feels well enough to be chatting online with multiple messages kind of suggests that maybe she's a bit prone to the dramatic. No doubt at all that he was unsympathetic and that she feels rough - but that's quite a sudden and significant improvement.

That doesn't mean I don't think you feel rubbish OP and I do genuinely hope you're on the mend. Looking after DC even if you've got a snotty cold isn't much fun.

I had a lovely upbringing in a very loving family, just illness they didn't do! Funny actually one of my children was ill last week and my mum whispered to me "do you think she's putting it on to get out of going to school". I snapped and replied, no she had the shits in the night, I do not think my 6 year old is faking it for a day off (she loves school besides and was upset over not going!). I said to her you did this to me everytime I was unwell and sent me to school!! They even once refused to pick me up from school when I'd thrown up, said there was only 3 hours left, I had to walk 30min home too, so ill. I reminded them of this they other day and they laughed their heads off like it was a funny story?! Bizarre.

@OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa

God that's awful. Sorry you had that experience

I think he should have done everything he could to stay home - or at least try to shorten his day or something. And yes at the very least be sympathetic. Is there anyone else you can call to care for the toddler?

I’m was as ill as I was with Covid last week (not Covid) and I’m a single parent. But my youngest is 8 now so not the same. In those few years when you have them tiny, sometimes the working parent has to step up (or one of the working parents if both are) and that’s just life.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

My eldest daughter (17) has been a god send. She was meant to be going out all day today but she's stayed home to pitch in, for which I am so incredibly grateful.

@KnobbyKnobson Bit of advice.

When in a hole, stop digging.

Your reaction is way over the top , completely uncalled for and you are coming over as a bit unstable.

I've not been 'called out'.

I have had a rude and rather daft response from a poster who thinks she knows better.

Does he perhaps deliver mail? Sounds like that employer to me

I will never, ever understand why some women put up with being treated like this.

Don't you think you deserve better?

I had a partner like this so I completely get it. But at the end of the day, this is who he is and he won't change.

You'll have to decide if it is a deal breaker for you or not.

It's rotten OP. Some people are just like that. My DH's mum is very much like that, and he and his sister are as well to a lesser degree. I hate it. I think you need to speak to him about it, though I see that you already have. Perhaps in this instance there was a bit of helplessness on his part, stress etc - I mean, could he have just not gone into work? That's not always possible. He may well have wanted to stay home and look after you but felt that he 'had to get on with it' and haul himself into work.

@CrabsInABarrel

I'm not sure how my health conditions flaring up would "grind him down"? How does it affect him? Is he the one medicating himself to get through a working day? Or managing an evening of bath time and bedtime with toddler alone (again)? Or wincing in pain whilst in a meeting with colleagues and trying not to let anyone see how much I'm struggling? Leaving the office to cry in the toilets briefly, gather myself, and go back in with my "game face" on? No, he's not doing any of those things. I'm the one going through those things on a fairly regular basis, mostly without his knowledge as he's at work so much. So how are my health conditions grinding him down exactly?

And yes, I did genuinely fear I could pass out this morning since the room was spinning when I stood. Without my eldest helping me today I'd have been seriously struggling. I've lay down most of the day and she's done pretty much everything, with me chipping in here and there.

I do, yes. Just feel overwhelmed at the thought of starting again as a single mum.