"You'll just have to get on with it"

[sofedupofthisshit]

Said to me this morning by "D" P as he left for work, whilst I was sobbing and upset due to the room literally spinning whilst I wretched over a bucket, faced with the prospect of caring for our toddler all day by myself when feeling rough as hell with covid. I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her, I feel that unwell.

I get that he can't stay home from work to help. But for the love of god would a bit of empathy have killed him?! Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc. Why is he so cold and uncaring? Anyone else have partners who say shit like this?

Any I literally do "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work. But this time, I really do feel horrendous and just needed more from him than .... well, being told to get on with it.

AIBU?

He's not being forced! He's refusing to get another job because he loves it. A job that gave him a warning for being sick himself, a job where he can't support his wife or child when they are sick. But hey, it's ok because he loves the work.

I can't believe some of the responses. Utter toxicity. Why are some of you pushing an emotionally vunerable person to LEAVE HIM??? Do you you crabs in a barrel have any idea how difficult it is to find a reliable man who will stick by their family, protect and provide?? He's done nothing wrong. He's keeping a roof over their head and keeping their mouths fed. A driven man beats a sensitive man. 7 days a week.

The OP is absolutely right to vent. 100%. But would hope she realises the people pushing her to leave him are miserable and want her to join them in their uncoupled misery. Vent, but please don't listen to the homewreckers. And get well soon OP.

To me you sound dramatic. Sobbing over a bucket would do my head in and I'd be unable to respond with empathy either. wow thats so harsh.

Presumably OP is feeling so overwhelmed and ill that is why she is sobbing over a bucket. She's not a robot. Sometimes it gets too much. And you need someone to actually care.

No he hasn't

So as long as he brings in the money he gets a free pass?!

You're opposite to me @sofedupofthisshit , in your situation having dh literally or figuratively pat me on the head and say "there, there, I'm so sorry you're feeling rough" and still fucking off out the door would REALLY piss me off! Maybe that's how your partner would feel so he's treating you in that way?

Oh gosh @sofedupofthisshit I don't know why people are giving you such a hard time .
Thank goodness for your lovely daughter -tell her that there are people on MN thinking she's a star .
Feel better soon

Ha put that in your pipe and smoke it

She's just made me a cup of tea. She's an angel honestly!

OP works and earns more than him. She gets on with her health conditions,most of the childcare, looking after their ill child. He's never around because of the big important job that he loves and won't change. He's emotionally unavailable and won't offer any sympathy or empathy.

How the fuck is he providing, protecting or sticking by his family? Simply because he's male and hasn't fucked off yet?

@HeadNorth -thank you SO much for posting this .So many descriptions of awful partners on MN ,I don't disbelieve them but it's lovely to be reminded that there are good partners out there .Bless yours.

I'm really sorry OP. My DH is a teacher so really can't take time off. But he would be hugely sympathetic and concerned, feel terrible leaving me, wish me luck and get back home as soon as he could. In fact, he was like that even when I wasn't ill - toddlers are hard work and he was always 'good luck, stay strong, may the force be with you' when he had to go to work - he knew I was in for a tough day

If you'd read the thread, or even just OP's responses. You would see that she earns more than he does.

Quite.

OP make sure you go to bed and leave him to it as soon as he comes home tonight. He’ll just have to get on with it.

People have written books with terminal cancer. Would you tell them they can't be that ill? FFS, doesn't mean they feel like looking after a toddler.

Haha. She earns more than him and did you read the bit about him doing this job because he enjoys it. Except that doesn't fit into your narrative of him being the brave warrior who saves the day and is beyond reproach because he brings home the bacon! Obvious what your agenda is.

He sounds like a poor excuse for a partner.

I'm sorry you're getting some really shitty responses op when all you're asking for is a bit of empathy. Those saying you're being dramatic and hysterical are just playing into stereotypes putting women down and have no idea what it is like to feel so ill while looking after a child. I've been there OP, looking after a toddler and baby with pneumonia but thankfully my dh has empathy and cares enough to arrang e stuff when I'm sick. I understand how you feel. I was so sick when I had covid I couldn't even raise my head, I had to crawl to the bathroom on all fours. Most likely some here would say that was dramatic...sigh.

You have my sympathy. Hope you feel better soon

Saying it once again so OP doesn't have to:

• Yes, she can type. Lying down. She cant get up without the room spinning. Typing you can do lying down. Looking after a toddler, not so much.
• Covid can be really serious, and often is for people with underlying conditions.like the OP has. She is very unwell with it.
• She HASN'T asked him to stay home. She just wants him not to be a dick.
• He does this job with an employer who is uncaring (and ignores legal workers rights around leave) because he wants to.
• She does work, and earns more than him, and does the childcare too (because his big important job that pays less than hers is too important dont you know).

Hope you feel better soon OP, I don't know what has happened on here this morning, so many horrible posts.

Oh my goodness. Ok, you are completely right to vent and full respect to you for raising kids whilst ill. And none of us know you, so we judge solely on this thread.

But, if you have ever said anything like that to him before, it would begin to explain his action this morning. That is humiliating to get from someone you love and are committing your life to.

Do you respect him?

No. Just no. DH is doing more than his share at the moment as I’m nearly halfway through chemo, have a stinking cold on top of the usual side effects and we have a teething 8 month old who is also full of snot. He has sorted out emergency carers leave days with his work which he uses if I really can’t cope, but there are obviously days where I do have to “get on with it” as he can’t stay at home for the whole 9 months I’ll have been in treatment. As he walks out of the door he says “I’m sorry I have to go in/love you/you’re amazing and you’ve got this/etc”. If I got some flippant “get tf on with it” as he breezed out the door I would probably lose what’s left of my mind.

I hope you feel better soon. Caring for a very small person when you feel like death warmed up is so damn hard.

the husband's boss is on Mumsnet!

That's a very talented toddler you have OP - tell her to be careful with the hot kettle when making you that cup of tea.

What is wrong with people making shitty comments- - I swear covid and 12 years of the Tory's has affected some peoples basic human decency and manners towards others who are struggling with money, health, housing etc. maybe all that working from home has affected some peoples ability to have any patience or empathy with others

No I'm up to speed and I see th OP out earns her husband welll that explains everything ...he's resentful that she has more power than he thinks she ought to and he's trying to regain the upper hand by increasing the amount of stress that she has to deal with
I would start thinking hard about what you really want, whether this relationship is working for you etc
Personally I think it's better not to live with men because that makes it easier for them to get in control and then they are inclined to take the piss.... but that's difficult when you've got children

@PattyDuke what on earth are you talking about?!

Get well soon @sofedupofthisshit