Page 8 | "You'll just have to get on with it"

sofedupofthisshit · 2022-12-17T09:02:26+00:00

Said to me this morning by "D" P as he left for work, whilst I was sobbing and upset due to the room literally spinning whilst I wretched over a bucket, faced with the prospect of caring for our toddler all day by myself when feeling rough as hell with covid. I even said to him I'm anxious I might pass out whilst caring for her, I feel that unwell. I get that he can't stay home from work to help. But for the love of god would a bit of empathy have killed him?! Something like "I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish I was around today to help" etc. Why is he so cold and uncaring? Anyone else have partners who say shit like this? Any I literally ^do^ "get on with it". All the time (he works a lot, long hours, weekends etc). All I ever do I get on with it. I have a few health conditions and they flare up frequently. I just get on with it each time while he's at work. But this time, I really do feel horrendous and just needed more from him than .... well, being told to get on with it. AIBU?

MarvelMrs · 17/12/2022 11:09

It sounds like you have a communication issue between you both. We are only hearing one side of this obviously.
I would wait until you are well again and
try and discuss this. It doesn’t sound like his work life is very easy and you obviously have health issues so you need to understand each other’s perspective better.

Original poster

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 11:12

PattyDuke · 17/12/2022 11:05

That's a very talented toddler you have OP - tell her to be careful with the hot kettle when making you that cup of tea.

What?!?

OP posts:

Rosebel · 17/12/2022 11:12

WandaWonder · 17/12/2022 09:54

So you have a job normally but can't go in because of covid ok, how long have you been off for?

What on earth could your toddler be doing that you can't cope for a week or so at home?

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OP is unwell and do you really think toddlers aren't hard work? I often feel tired after a full day with my 2 year old when I'm 100: well. When I feel like crap I'm counting down the minutes until DH comes home and takes over.
I think it's quite worrying that he was happy to go to work and leave you at home with a toddler when you thought you might pass out.
I'm glad your older child is helping you but really it should be your partner helping. As I said I'm pretty sure dependent leave is a legal right.

Original poster

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 11:12

Mamansparkles · 17/12/2022 10:59

Saying it once again so OP doesn't have to:

Yes, she can type. Lying down. She cant get up without the room spinning. Typing you can do lying down. Looking after a toddler, not so much.
Covid can be really serious, and often is for people with underlying conditions.like the OP has. She is very unwell with it.
She HASN'T asked him to stay home. She just wants him not to be a dick.
He does this job with an employer who is uncaring (and ignores legal workers rights around leave) because he wants to.
She does work, and earns more than him, and does the childcare too (because his big important job that pays less than hers is too important dont you know).

Hope you feel better soon OP, I don't know what has happened on here this morning, so many horrible posts.

Thank you for this much appreciated x

OP posts:

Stunningscreamer · 17/12/2022 11:16

Addicted2Kale · 17/12/2022 11:00

Oh my goodness. Ok, you are completely right to vent and full respect to you for raising kids whilst ill. And none of us know you, so we judge solely on this thread.

But, if you have ever said anything like that to him before, it would begin to explain his action this morning. That is humiliating to get from someone you love and are committing your life to.

Do you respect him?

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Oh right, so she's right to vent but just because it doesn't fit into your previous made up narrative you're going to find another one that the OP is undermining poor hubby and that's why he's an insensitive twonk. Or maybe it's actually just that he's just an insensitive twonk and that's down to him and nothing to do with the OP's behaviour at all?

Addicted2Kale · 17/12/2022 11:17

Underanothersky · 17/12/2022 10:44

If you'd read the thread, or even just OP's responses. You would see that she earns more than he does.

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Yes, I have read the thread. She also said his company is the only one that covers his specialist field. And we're in a recession. Which mitigates his decision not to jump ship so quickly. Which the homewreckers are ignoring.

Original poster

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 11:18

No of course I have never said anything to him about me earning more than him, why on earth would I? Yes of course I respect him - when he's a decent caring human. Do I respect him when he acts like he did this morning when I'm unwell? No I don't.

OP posts:

LisaLovedUp · 17/12/2022 11:19

I'm sorry you are receiving this kind of response. It's really not good enough.

I'm going to throw something in here and it's for you to think about. It may not be the case, but just bear it in mind.

I have experience in working with adults on the autistic spectrum. I wonder if he has undiagnosed Asperger's? One common way it presents is lack of empathy, but also his choice of career- forces- gives a structure and routine that people with Asp find 'comforting'.

Likewise, they hate change (and you say he won't look for another job even though his employer is supposedly crap.)

People who are Aspie can change how they behave, but they need to be taught (literally) to show empathy.

Of course he may just be a horrible selfish prick, but I thought I'd throw this in for you to think on.

Hope you feel better soon.

KnobbyKnobson · 17/12/2022 11:22

RedHelenB · 17/12/2022 09:12

Difficult to judge. I was single parent with no support so yes, I would just have to get on with it. You do sound as though your catastrophising from your post. Stick the telly on , get some snacks for LO and rest on the sofa. Hi straight to bed when he gets back in, his turn to suck it up.

Being a single parent doesn't mean you can't have any empathy.

OP I am also a single parent and for what it's worth, it's definitely harder parenting with an unhelpful partner than it is doing it on your own.

Theskyisfallingdown · 17/12/2022 11:22

It’s unfortunate that you picked this boyfriend but you know for a fact that he has no empathy, demonstrably doesn’t care about you and has consistently refused to change. You earn more than him and have no legal ties to him, so easy enough to dump him and leave him to ‘get on with it’ when he’s lone parenting his kid. Win/win really.

Suboptimalsitch · 17/12/2022 11:22

I totally get what your saying. It’s not wrong or precious to want someone to be sympathetic when you feel like a pile of shit and have to get on with a long, hard day. Just a “I’m so sorry, I wish I didn’t have to go to work when you’re so Ill. I’ll be home as soon as I can and take over etc etc. Doesn’t solve the problem but feel cared about makes a huge difference and is important. I hope you feel much better soon. The thing is if someone can’t put themselves in other peoples shoes, and aren’t empathetic, they generally can’t ‘learn’ to be it. Some people just don’t possess any empathy.

KnobbyKnobson · 17/12/2022 11:26

LisaLovedUp · 17/12/2022 11:19

I'm sorry you are receiving this kind of response. It's really not good enough.

I'm going to throw something in here and it's for you to think about. It may not be the case, but just bear it in mind.

I have experience in working with adults on the autistic spectrum. I wonder if he has undiagnosed Asperger's? One common way it presents is lack of empathy, but also his choice of career- forces- gives a structure and routine that people with Asp find 'comforting'.

Likewise, they hate change (and you say he won't look for another job even though his employer is supposedly crap.)

People who are Aspie can change how they behave, but they need to be taught (literally) to show empathy.

Of course he may just be a horrible selfish prick, but I thought I'd throw this in for you to think on.

Hope you feel better soon.

That's a load of rubbish. Many autistic people are perfectly empathetic, even hyper empathetic, it's just expressed differently than how neurotypicals would show it.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/12/2022 11:28

Isn’t it interesting that when women earn less than their partner, they generally take on the majority of the sick leave to care for children

Your DH needs to look for another job. You have years ahead of you of needing time off if you are unwell plus time off if your child is unwell. The latter needs to be shared. He is being incredibly selfish by expecting you to carry that burden alone.

He doesn’t really seem to see you as a team. He could have prepared food for you, dressed toddler etc. I’d be thinking seriously about my future, especially if he insists on staying in his job.

Addicted2Kale · 17/12/2022 11:30

Stunningscreamer · 17/12/2022 11:16

Oh right, so she's right to vent but just because it doesn't fit into your previous made up narrative you're going to find another one that the OP is undermining poor hubby and that's why he's an insensitive twonk. Or maybe it's actually just that he's just an insensitive twonk and that's down to him and nothing to do with the OP's behaviour at all?

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You and I do not know this lady or her partner. We do not know their home dynamic.

So unlike what you are doing, feeding resentment and gas lighting, I am questioning her comment, so my contribution is productive. I want them to succeed as a family. Feeding animosity doesn't help.

Original poster

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 11:43

The room spinning and nausea is back😞
Eldest is currently sorting out the little one as I tried to get up and it hasn't gone well. This is so frustrating.

OP posts:

Stunningscreamer · 17/12/2022 11:45

Addicted2Kale · 17/12/2022 11:30

You and I do not know this lady or her partner. We do not know their home dynamic.

So unlike what you are doing, feeding resentment and gas lighting, I am questioning her comment, so my contribution is productive. I want them to succeed as a family. Feeding animosity doesn't help.

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Gaslighting? Hahaha. You clearly don't even know the meaning of the word, bless your heart.

I know their home dynamic based on the information she has provided. I'm not making things up, unlike you, like her throwing at her husband that she earns more than him, thus undermining the poor cherub, and as OP has confirmed she didn't do that anyway. Making things up is not remotely productive.

You sound like a surrendered wife. Are you American, because there are cultural differences in the UK? Most of us don't believe that keeping families together is best in all circumstances, especially when the partner believes that they don't have to make any effort to change and it's all down to the wife to put up with that.

Addicted2Kale · 17/12/2022 11:46

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 11:18

No of course I have never said anything to him about me earning more than him, why on earth would I? Yes of course I respect him - when he's a decent caring human. Do I respect him when he acts like he did this morning when I'm unwell? No I don't.

Thank you for your response. Again, I do back your position. Couples fighting is normal. People shouldn't say you're ott. You're not. You feel what you feel. But people also shouldn't piling in on him and pushing to break you up. Both sides are wrong.

I'll leave it there. Best of luck to you and get well soon.

jannier · 17/12/2022 11:46

Dissuadepersuade · 17/12/2022 10:36

Mines been the same the past two days that I've had norovirs and 2 sick kids and a toddler to look after. He's then come home and complained about the mess but I literally did the most I could do, I could barely move so all I did was feed my toddler change him make sure he was OK and made sure my other two were OK they weren't eating anything and neither was I so cooking wasn't an issue but literally he was mad that t

I'd have pucked in his lap lazy arsed selfish sod, alive kids tick, fed if needed tick, clean nappies tick rest his job what an arse

PollyPicket2 · 17/12/2022 11:48

You do sound quite needy OP. For context both exP and I work full time and have never needed to bother the other due to illness/childcare. Generally dosing up on paracetamol/Calpol and carrying on with work/school is what most people do.

jannier · 17/12/2022 11:49

Charlieiscool · 17/12/2022 10:36

Are you thinking of how this is for him? Empathy from you too? He’s feeling forced to go in to a horrible workplace with a wife and toddler who are frequently ill and expecting everything to stop and look after them. He’s right really, you have to get on with it just like he does. If he gets fired will you go and support the family?

He's not forced to stay there he has other job options but loves the job.....mum earns more than him....unpaid parental leave to care for young children is a legal right..

Deathraystare · 17/12/2022 11:49

I hope you have a looooong memory. So that when he is ill you don't bring him drinks etc etc. When he gets home he will have to sort out dinner himself, right?

I get that his work won't 'let' him stay at home to help you but a few kind words, a promise to take over baby when he gets in and maybe a nice bunch of flowers and a phone call during the day to check how you are? wouldn't go amiss.

Original poster

sofedupofthisshit · 17/12/2022 11:50

@Deathraystare

I haven't even had a phone call yet, he's been in work since 8am🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

jannier · 17/12/2022 11:57

PattyDuke · 17/12/2022 11:05

That's a very talented toddler you have OP - tell her to be careful with the hot kettle when making you that cup of tea.

Her daughter is not the toddler shes come to help

LisaLovedUp · 17/12/2022 12:01

@KnobbyKnobson

Did I say that all autistic people lacked empathy? Are you on the spectrum and feel the need to defend your self?

Having had years of professional experience, in the field, I'm standing by what I said. I asked the OP to consider it.

jannier · 17/12/2022 12:02

What he should have said if he really had to go....after getting up early and sorting out

I've done X's nappy and breakfast filled his drink, lunch is ready in the fridge.....or near you...hers something for you incase you want to eat or drink. Play area set up so you can sit and watch him....anything else you need,
Don't worry about anything else I'll sort tea, mess etc later and I've called x to see if they can help
Love you.....