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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we’ve been brainwashed over Christmas.

166 replies

FabYuleLous · 17/12/2022 08:10

I’ve noticed on MN, and in real life, that people get very upset if their Christmas does not resemble a supermarket advert with 20 people, all generations, around a massive feast, all having a super time.

Seriously, how many of us have families like this. If you got 20 family members round a table, would it really be like that.

I know if I got 20 round a table of our family, it would look like this: DB1 being in a mood, as his life hasn’t turned out like my other DB. Me crying in the kitchen as I’d been manipulated into hosting and doing all the work and expense. PIL being PA to me, no present and criticising the meal and SIL giving me filthy looks throughout. On top of this my DC moaning that we have loads of people round.

I don’t think I’m abnormal.

So, seriously. Why are are all buying into this 20 people round a table, with a Hogwarts spread, bullshit?

Just to add. This year I’ve actually gone to the trouble of reading up about our traditions and customs around Christmas, and learnt things I didn’t know. We celebrate it blindly, and don’t even know why we are doing things we do.

OP posts:
TinFoilHatty · 17/12/2022 08:14

I haven't seen adverts with 20 people? Maybe 6 or 8.

Your inlaws sound really horrible, don't be manipulated into hosting, ever.

Tradition is a funny thing. Boxing day for eg, Celebrating Victorian staff being given a day off!

TheScenicWay · 17/12/2022 08:14

People just strive to have the best Christmas they can. It's different for everyone.
What I see on mumsnet, is people wanting to have a small immediate family only centred Christmas on the day itself.
I'd much rather have the big extended family Christmas, others wouldn't.

panko · 17/12/2022 08:14

I've genuinely not noticed this

Jazz12 · 17/12/2022 08:14

I agree with you, OP. It’s all about relaxing and having a good time. Whatever “having a good time” means to YOU.

girlmom21 · 17/12/2022 08:15

Sorry that your family sounds shit. There'll be 6 of us for Xmas dinner. Everyone else is welcome to pop in whenever they like. There's always a spread.

Christmas is fun that way, for us.

Fairislefandango · 17/12/2022 08:18

Why on earth would you base how you wato do anything on a supermarket advert? I haven't been brainwashed. I live Christmas and spend it how I want - with extended family who are lovely and get on well with each other. We always have s great time. Do what you want and stop blaming adverts for advertising.

thecatsmum12346 · 17/12/2022 08:20

I refuse to host Xmas as I do all other hosting through the year. Saturday nights, Halloween, Easter, summer bbqs etc. my brother in law is sort of forced to host it but all the food is paid for by father in law and I feel obligated to clean up. It’s like it’s all being done ‘for me’ and then on Boxing Day we have a rerun hosted by me. I do think there’s a great deal of pressure put on women at this time of year

FinDevon · 17/12/2022 08:23

Christmas has always been commercialised. It's the pressure that people put on themselves because of social media that's the issue.

KimberleyClark · 17/12/2022 08:23

It’s also the glossy magazines telling you how to have a “perfect” Christmas. There is no such thing.

WeDontNeedToTalkAboutJamie · 17/12/2022 08:25

Christmas Day there will be 6 of us.
Boxing day is closer to 20. Not sure how many exactly.

Boxing day is a bit like an advert. Everyone crammed around a table which is made big enough by piling boxes up. Someone usually ends up sitting on a crate. I love it. Other than the bickering that always happens.

ShowOfHands · 17/12/2022 08:25

I disagree entirely. The majority opinion on MN is that Christmas is for your "own little family" and not extended family at all. The rhetoric is always about dragging DC away from toys and having to schlep places and see awful family members.

I have my family here for the day (parents, sibling, nieces, aunts, sadly no grandparents left as of this year) and then see MIL on boxing day for round 2 (23 of us!) and it's nothing to do with brainwashing or adverts. We like each other. We love the company and the chaos. Maybe it works because we aren't trying to create anything, we all simply like and love each other and are happier doing a big family Christmas.

Ragwort · 17/12/2022 08:30

thecatsmum but why do you feel pressurised into hosting on Boxing Day? I don't want to be blunt but are you perhaps being a bit of a martyr about it? What would happen if you said 'I'm not up to hosting this year, I am going hiking, to the sales, spending the day in bed etc etc?'. The world wouldn't fall apart. There can be too much expectation around Christmas but only if you allow it.

Do you feel it is your 'role' to ensure that your immediate family, and DC, if you have any, have a 'magical Christmas'?

Andsoforth · 17/12/2022 08:30

I have a theory that on that first Christmas the reason that M&J ended up in a stable, when they had gone to his hometown was that her in laws were being horrible. And the reason he didn’t leave her at home and go by himself was because her family were shunning her (apart from Elizabeth who had her own messy marriage problems)

So imo, playing multi generational happy families around the Christmas table is just unchristian.

ReluctantLondoners · 17/12/2022 08:31

I think some of the ads this year at least are trying to have them in normal houses instead of glossy, Instagram palaces.

We almost never had aunts and uncles at our Christmas dinner growing up, but we did see them earlier in the day. Then we had our maternal grandparents over for dinner. This year my sister is coming to us for Christmas but we won't have grandparents. We may see them earlier in the day.

If we had my whole extended family round the table, my brother and I would probably have some wine and laugh at everything and be really annoying. Sister would then get uncomfortable. If my dad was there he'd be grumpy and keep making inappropriate, passive aggressive comments. If my mum was still alive she'd probably get depressed. If my in laws were there I'd hide in the kitchen as much as possible and thank god when they left. I love my pils but my sils are vile and one of their husbands is one of the most horrible men I've ever met.

So, yanbu! It would be a complete disaster zone of our whole family was there

BabyFour2023 · 17/12/2022 08:33

That's literally every Christmas I’ve had my whole life and it is amazing. We must just be very lucky.

panko · 17/12/2022 08:36

thecatsmum12346 · 17/12/2022 08:20

I refuse to host Xmas as I do all other hosting through the year. Saturday nights, Halloween, Easter, summer bbqs etc. my brother in law is sort of forced to host it but all the food is paid for by father in law and I feel obligated to clean up. It’s like it’s all being done ‘for me’ and then on Boxing Day we have a rerun hosted by me. I do think there’s a great deal of pressure put on women at this time of year

Without fail when I tell people my husband is doing the Christmas dinner they say "lucky you" and ooh what a treat for you. I bet they wouldn't say that to him if I was cooking.

Heatherbell1978 · 17/12/2022 08:36

I end up doing all the hosting over Xmas and Boxing Day which I hate. Complex situation of two sets of divorced parents and me having kids whereas my 3 brothers don't and are single and would never consider (or be capable of..) hosting. Thankfully DH enjoys cooking and hosting so I don't have to carry the full load. But I think once we're over the Santa years we'll bugger off over Xmas instead.

panko · 17/12/2022 08:37

Lockdown christmas was quite relaxing for us even though it was sad not spending LO's first Xmas with wider family.

Onnabugeisha · 17/12/2022 08:37

Andsoforth · 17/12/2022 08:30

I have a theory that on that first Christmas the reason that M&J ended up in a stable, when they had gone to his hometown was that her in laws were being horrible. And the reason he didn’t leave her at home and go by himself was because her family were shunning her (apart from Elizabeth who had her own messy marriage problems)

So imo, playing multi generational happy families around the Christmas table is just unchristian.

I suppose one could speculate this if they hadn’t read the Bible…
or is this sarcasm, and I’m missing it? 😅

Girasoli · 17/12/2022 08:37

We wouldn't have 20 in the UK (not enough relatives!) but there's usually 8 or 9 of us.
Christmases in Italy its been close to 20 a few times (if all the abroad relatives are visiting my gran the same year)

I love Christmas but we all chip in, not just the women (DBro doesn't really but he is an NHS shift worker so we are just happy if he can turn up that year)

Mamamia7962 · 17/12/2022 08:39

Christmas advertising is no different to any other. Christmas is about families getting together so of course the adverts are going to show large families having a wonderful time.
Summer holiday adverts usually show mum, dad and 2 children (one of each) having a fabulous time. Adverts like this do not show the reality of life. The majority of people know this.

Christmascandycane · 17/12/2022 08:39

I was talking about this to someone the other day.

You are correct. If getting together with everyone is so much fun, we would do it throughout the year (if you do then this does not apply).

Any excuses of work or life getting in the way is exactly that - an excuse.

You have never failed to manage time for holiday or days out, weddings etc. This all evidences that if it was truly enjoyable, people would do it throughout the year.

The truth for many is that we are trying to engineer, force and replicate an ideology that has been sold to us over and over.
The happy ending on movies when they are all gloriously sharing dinner and enjoying each others company. Images by retailers that if you buy their goods and assemble the people and goods, you will acquire the dream and gain positive memories.

The truth is often that you are bringing together a bunch of people that feel obligated to be around each other and expect them to be polite and jolly.
Let's face it, there is enough posts on here before and after Christmas that evidences that people just get on each others tits when they bring their nuclear family and join it with extended.

We repeat this process annually hoping that whilst enduring the shit show, we can experience a few positive moments to validate us doing it and convince ourselves it is true.

It's a load of toads bollocks.

KimberleyClark · 17/12/2022 08:40

It will be 5 of us round the table on Christmas Day - me, DH, DB, SIL and DN - plus a big dog underneath it. No surviving parents and no other siblings on either side. Boxing Day we just relax and host no one.

Fairislefandango · 17/12/2022 08:40

As much as i feel genuine sympathy for people who have awful or difficult family members, adverts are not to blame for that, and it would be wholly unreasonable to expect them to try and advertise their products by depicting miserable, arguing families.

Judgyjudgy · 17/12/2022 08:42

I've been more saddened by all the threads obsessed with gifts, this seems to be what is most important to many people Xmas Sad