To think we’ve been brainwashed over Christmas.

[FabYuleLous]

I’ve noticed on MN, and in real life, that people get very upset if their Christmas does not resemble a supermarket advert with 20 people, all generations, around a massive feast, all having a super time.

Seriously, how many of us have families like this. If you got 20 family members round a table, would it really be like that.

I know if I got 20 round a table of our family, it would look like this: DB1 being in a mood, as his life hasn’t turned out like my other DB. Me crying in the kitchen as I’d been manipulated into hosting and doing all the work and expense. PIL being PA to me, no present and criticising the meal and SIL giving me filthy looks throughout. On top of this my DC moaning that we have loads of people round.

I don’t think I’m abnormal.

So, seriously. Why are are all buying into this 20 people round a table, with a Hogwarts spread, bullshit?

Just to add. This year I’ve actually gone to the trouble of reading up about our traditions and customs around Christmas, and learnt things I didn’t know. We celebrate it blindly, and don’t even know why we are doing things we do.

The traditional family Xmas is usually portrayed as a disaster waiting to happen! But I've had the occasional extended family meal and it's been fine, though far prefer it in my own home.
What I don't understand is the idea we are partying all month long, and feel bad if not. Even in my free and easy single no kids days it was perhaps the work do, a friends dinner party and maybe a neighbourhood drinks thing. That's it.

I agree with you. It's all the 'having people' that causes the stress.

Generally speaking, do people want to be 'had round' on Christmas Day? A divorced or widowed mum or dad, certainly, who would be alone otherwise, but I have NEVER seen the sense of inviting a couple, or another entire family. Wouldn't it be less stressful if we just kept CD slightly atomised, and did the socialising before and after? I know many childless people feel pressurised to be 'had round' by their married families and hate sitting there in someone else's house all day on CD as the uncle or aunt who has nowhere else to go. They'd rather just go for a bloody hike or sit at home alone eating baked beans.

I think the hardest thing for people who don't have that happy family experience is that it starts in September with all the advertising and the stuff in the shops. I know the shops have to do it because it's their most lucrative time but it does make it harder for people who don't have that harmonious family.

I think it's wonderful for those who have big, happy families. I'm so jealous of them and don't begrudge it. But I do feel for people who have to put up with enforced jollity, or who have to do all the work, or those that would love to have people around but don't have the loved ones through no fault of their own. And the amount of noise round it and the fact it goes on for so long does make it hard for those people.

It's always been that way from the happy ending in A Christmas Carol onwards.

For what it's worth I love my family dearly but we're all very different personalities and being together for more than a couple of very sober hours is beyond us. So we just don't do it.

We do get together but at a less pressured time. There are other ways to show each other that you care.

Yanbu. If I had all the inlaws and my family round, I'd be feeding 23 people. Not sure I could get them in the house and certainly don't have enough chairs or tables! And that totally ignoring the potential for rows.

I just ignore it.

But a few years ago my dad was about to turn 80. I managed to get about 30 people from various parts of the country in tot he same pub without my dad knowing what was going on so I don't mind big gathersings.

I also love hosting, my health doesn't allow me to do that much these days, but I used to regularly do 5 course meals.

And feel for those who have the big family experience - it’s al surface and full of back biting manipulation and passive aggressive behaviour that they feel compelled to put up with “because it’s Christmas” I feel massively relieved not to have to take part!

Sorry about your family.

Some families are nice and get on. Our la does.

Both my husband and I have quite big families and we all get on, so 12 or 14 for Christmas dinner is not unusual, including some who belong to religions that don’t celebrate Christ.

No it was their own silly fault really for not booking somewhere in good time. Everywhere is so busy at this time of year.

It’s not the adverts though. Haven’t you read your Dickens?! We basically have a similar Christmas to the one my grandparents had as children so not really getting what tv ads have to do with anything!

I have this on both sides of my family and have had them both together in the past when I was well. Now I choose what Christmas looks like and it's always a great time.
I think it might be relevant that we open our home and so do they, several times a year and there is only love towards each other. The only family group that would take advantage is SIL and they run businesses that opens Christmas Day so that problem is easily solved.
When I see the MN trope of making an appointment to visit family and setting up Christmas with people you never stay with for the rest of the year I think you're looking for trouble. If someone wants a quiet one or are going away that doesn't matter either. There seems to be so much pressure to get it right but there is no right or wrong. x

I get what you mean, the adverts with loads of people dropping in and big spreads of food. Normally only about 7/8 of us together at Christmas. Close family only, I wouldn't want to spend it with my extended family!

It makes me sad this must be your experience to have these views. Passive aggression? Manipulation? Having to put up with it?
this is in no way reflective of many families at Christmas and it’s quite sad that you have this type of family. I can assure you; many of us are far from manipulative and passive aggressive to our families. Mine is very, very happy and we love our massive family Christmas’.

For some of us, 15-20 is close family.

Yeah true, similar for me but we won't see each other same day. We see one side Christmas day and one side boxing day.

I love hosting my family, we all get on. They will stay over for as long as they like. Cooking a Sunday roast, which is all a Christmas meal is doesn't bother me, some will help.
After the meal we play different games, have fun lots of laughter then watch something on tv.
I feel lucky to have such a wonderful family and it's no different to anytime we get together, it's not just a Christmas thing.

We used, this is the Christmas I had as a child. A huge family Christmas, we would celebrate 3 days. Would all stay with my aunt /my mum.

Sadly most have now died, it’s a very small Christmas these days.

Twenty round a massive table groaning with an enormous turkey and all the trimmings is quite a stretch for those of us who live in very modest houses, isn't it? The world of advertising always displays what they think is ideal.

I've always found that the person who lives in the biggest family house, (four beds, big living room, large driveway) and has the most dominant personality takes it on themselves to host every year. I'm not certain if there's a little bit of resentment or if they also enjoy getting us all together. It's a double-edged sword, they have the bother of all the preparations (with lots of help with clearing and washing up afterwards) but don't have to drag themselves out of their cosy home. Swings and roundabouts.

@TheaBrandt you're forgetting that some of us don't have massive extended families so a small Christmas isn't a choice.

Yes! Not being in the UK I find them fascinating too read but equally a bit sickening. I am bewildered by the amount of money spent on presents for a single day. My young adult daughter will be getting a single one, a voucher I got from work, so will my even younger adult step-daughter and both will be really gratefull as usual. My partner will be getting a small one too, providing I manage to sort my overdraft before Christmas which is highly unlikely.

Thing is if we had Xmas just me, DH and the kids it would be like any other Sunday where I’ve made a roast and we play board games!!

Christmas for me IS having family around, I plan Christmas for me not to have the Christmas I see in an advert. I like to cook and bake so don’t find the catering stressful (after you have catered for 100 scouts in a field with no electric or running water anything else is easy in comparison!!)

No I don’t suppose lots of people understand the history to Christmas, we went to church growing up so do know some of it. But things evolve and now Christmas has become a time to spend with family and enjoy your self for a couple of days.

I used to do the whole everyone came to me I hated it…hated cooking for 15 people, hated having everyone in my house, hated the cost of having to feed all these people.

Now my perfect Christmas is just me, dh & dc we have a lovely relaxed day no pressure to cook at a certain time, give the kids time to chill and play with their presents - we can eat our dinner on our laps not that we do just have the option makes me happy

For years I tried to have the perfect Christmas, you know parents for dinner, Christmas eve traditions - going to the pantomime, ice skating, santas grotto, Christmas markets, the house decorated to the hilt - thoughtful presents that would make people smile. On balance so many of it missed the mark and didn't deliver what I expected.

It's like your summer holiday - there are going to be tears, arguments, skin rashes, upset tummies and stress - it's never going to look like the thomsons adverts! It's about balancing effort with expectation. So now I have a smaller Christmas and I kind of miss the bigger ones - but I'm not willing to pay the piper so this is the compromise I am happy with. I certainly understand why people make the effort though! And I hope out there that some people are having their perfect Christmas!

As an only child from a broken home, some of these humble brags about your 25 person extended family blissful “chaotic” Christmas are a bit tone deaf, especially as a response to OPs thread. Congratulations, you actually have the hallmark Christmas Day! Not sure how that’s meant to make anyone feel better 😂