Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting with my dying dad - this is so unfair

283 replies

thegreenlight · 16/12/2022 20:41

Just that - it’s so cruel. My mum and I just have to sit here and wait for everything to fail. He was given 24-48 hours yesterday. It’s torture.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenlight · 16/12/2022 21:25

I’m so sorry x

OP posts:
NewNameForXmas · 16/12/2022 21:25

I'm so sorry OP. Lovely that he knows you're there. Love and virtual hugs to your dad for a peaceful passing.

Clymene · 16/12/2022 21:25

I'm so sorry, I've been there very recently. It's such a hard thing to go through. My heart goes out to you.

He has you there and that will be an enormous comfort. If it doesn't feel too premature, we told my dad it was okay to let go, that we'd be okay without him. I think it helped.

I hope he passes peacefully

Purpleavocado · 16/12/2022 21:25

So sorry you are going through this, I went through it with my own Dad. We kept talking to him, holding his hand etc. He slipped away very gently x

Original poster
thegreenlight · 16/12/2022 21:27

We keep telling him he’s finished all his jobs and have a rest. He doesn’t want to die. It’s just so sad. We are watching porridge of the hospital tv like we did when I was a little girl and trying to act like everything is ok.

OP posts:
Minfilia · 16/12/2022 21:28

I’ve been there too and it’s awful. I’m so sorry.

It also happened to us just before Christmas too which made it feel extra cruel.

I am so sorry. But please know that you are doing the best thing for him just by being there.

WakeMeUpBeforeYouGo · 16/12/2022 21:30

So sorry OP.
I lost my wonderful dad last month, so completely understand what you're going through.

I don't live in the same country as my parents and the doctors asked me over the phone if I wanted the life support off or wait till I arrive (my mum wasn't in a state to take this decision). I decided to let him pass away naturally... he died 20 mins after life support was switched off.
He was only 72.
It was a painful 9 hr flight.

Hugs to you... remember all the good times you spent with your dad and try to remember with a smile. xx

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 16/12/2022 21:31

I've sat there with my father too. It's the last gift you can give him.

He isn't gone, he will be with you forever. 💐

onedayiwillflyaway1 · 16/12/2022 21:31

thegreenlight · 16/12/2022 21:23

My brother rushed from London and Kent to say goodbye - watching my eldest brother say goodbye and leave was so hard. They don’t make men like my dad any more. Still carries a hankie and always treated my mum and me like royalty. I can’t believe he’s going to be gone forever.

Oh @thegreenlight your dad sounds like a true gentleman. Be with him as I'm sure you are it's hard but you will be glad that you were there for him.

Candlemas · 16/12/2022 21:32

it's a horrendous time for you. I'm sure your dad is aware of your love and your presence. Try to take care of yourself. Sending virtual hugs and enormous love.

Teafor1please · 16/12/2022 21:32

You paint such a picture of what your dad is like, op.

Kimberz · 16/12/2022 21:33

So so sorry. We lost our Dad almost 2 years ago. We couldn't be there as he lived 5/6 hours away (he was with his wife and step children) but we were put on speaker phone to say our goodbyes.

It broke us all.

I still feel extreme guilt for not being able to be there with him. Hold his hand, kiss him and treasurer every last second xx

lolliesarentbreakfast · 16/12/2022 21:34

Oh lovely. I'm so sorry, I had to watch my Nannan go a few weeks back because my Dad wouldn't bother. She was a darling,

I'm sending you lots of lovely hugs

mrsbyers · 16/12/2022 21:34

Went through this in September so I am thinking of you , cherish that little moment of clarity when he said hello - he knows you’re there and he is loved

Highfivemum · 16/12/2022 21:35

You all sound like a lovely family. Your Dad must be so proud of you all. He will always be in your heart. My Dad is. X

bloodywhitecat · 16/12/2022 21:37

I think one of the last things I said to DH was that it was OK to go and see his mum and dad if he wanted to and that everyone was coming to see him in the morning. I still go over that night in my head but it also brings me peace that I was with him. I hope, in the future you can find peace in it too. It is, by far, the hardest thing we can do for a loved one. I hope his passing is a comfortable one and sending you the love and strength to get through it all Flowers

Ginqueen1 · 16/12/2022 21:37

@thegreenlight I am so sorry to hear about your dad he sounds like an amazing man. I have been there too like so many of us and it is one the hardest things you will ever go through. I hope he has a peaceful passing and keep talking to him my dads doctor told us the hearing is the last sense to go so say everything you want to say and say it again. Sending you your mam and dad so much love x

MangyInseam · 16/12/2022 21:39

It's hard, but it's something where you have to just be with the person. Coming to terms with the real nature of life for those around us and ourselves - it's difficult to be distracted from it when we are in its presence, and distraction is often how we deal with that, which is not good. It's cheezy but I think of the Robert Munch book, where the baby who was held by the mum in the beginning becomes a man holding his elderly mum.

FurElsie · 16/12/2022 21:40

thegreenlight · 16/12/2022 20:51

He’s such a good dad and husband and man. He doesn’t deserve this. He had all his teeth taken out up Mount Kilimanjaro. He’s a mix or Harrison Ford and John Wayne. My total hero just left to fade. He just woke up and said ‘hello sweetheart’ then disappeared back into his own world.

Oh wow, sounds like he was an amazing man! The lottery of everyone's end of life is so harsh, such an awful time, probably more for you and your Mum than him though, if that helps, he said hi sweetheart 💕

panko · 16/12/2022 21:41

I read a wonderful post on her about what to do when someone passes. I wish I could find it. Something about sit still and quiet and take a big breath.

Honeyroar · 16/12/2022 21:41

I’m so sorry. It’s horrible, I went through it with my dad in September. Your dad sounds the same stamp. A wonderful dad and man. Look after yourself and your mum. It’s exhausting emotionally.

Jasminecx · 16/12/2022 21:41

When I saw this topic I had to comment.

In August I found my dad in his flat unable to move talk or do anything and the image of him haunts me every single day, I phoned an ambulance and very long story short he was put on end of life, he was so poorly, he layed their life less for 7 days before he passed I just laid their at night listening to his death rattle. Some days I was so angry and other days I felt sick other days I was so incredibly sad and other days I just wanted us to be put out of the torture and misery.

It's the worst thing I've ever experienced and I'm so sorry to hear you are currently going through a similar situation, sending you all the strength that I can :(

Honeyroar · 16/12/2022 21:45

If it helps, I was talking to a customer at my café today who is an intensive care doctor. She said if you have to die, which we all do at some point, being on end of life care, with your pain managed and your family around you, is probably the best way you can hope for. It helped me thinking of it like that, instead of torturing myself thinking about it.

mawik · 16/12/2022 21:45

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you and your family x x
my darling dad died 8 weeks ago today, he was very poorly, and suddenly took a turn for the worst, my brother was a 4 hour drive away, and didn’t get here in time.
But my lasting memory is that dad went fast, I was sat holding his hand and we were watching motocross, we had been talking up until half hour before he took a tiny breath and went to sleep.
it has been awful for us, but he got his wish, to be at home.
and he left having last word as usual 🙈
passing away on a Friday afternoon!
OP just focus,on the good things
many hugs x

OrangeCinnamonLatte · 16/12/2022 21:47

I'm so sorry @thegreenlight I've sat where you are now, last year. We don't talk about end of life enough , it can be such a long drawn out process. Sometimes it is not peaceful and sometimes it is uneventful. Your Dad sounds lovely and I'm so truly sorry that your world is not how it should be right now. 😔