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Original poster

Sitting with my dying dad - this is so unfair

283 replies

thegreenlight · 16/12/2022 20:41

Just that - it’s so cruel. My mum and I just have to sit here and wait for everything to fail. He was given 24-48 hours yesterday. It’s torture.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 16/12/2022 22:58

no its not fair never is-i was with my mum when she passed from cancer-thoughts are with you op

RedRosie · 16/12/2022 23:00

🙏

Gonnabegrandma · 16/12/2022 23:02

I am so very sorry it must be so hard on you and your mum . But you won’t have regrets and it’s comforting for you dad . I lost mine during covid so wasn’t allowed to be with him and I hate that I wasn’t there x

keepcalm11 · 16/12/2022 23:03

Ive been there OP but 24 hours turned into a month in the cse of my DDad , stay strong, sending Flowers

BlackeyedSusan · 16/12/2022 23:06

Bloody hard isn't it. Done it twice. Be warned it can suddenly change quickly. Hope your hospital was as good as ours.

Greyarea12 · 16/12/2022 23:08

I was where you are in July. It is awful and absolutely heart breaking. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself. One day at a time, an hour at a time if need be. Sending love.

oakleaffy · 16/12/2022 23:08

thegreenlight · 16/12/2022 21:23

My brother rushed from London and Kent to say goodbye - watching my eldest brother say goodbye and leave was so hard. They don’t make men like my dad any more. Still carries a hankie and always treated my mum and me like royalty. I can’t believe he’s going to be gone forever.

Your post has made my eyes brim up..
The Handkerchief thing.. I once asked a friend if he had a tissue, and he , being an Oldskool Yorkshireman pulled out a large freshly laundered checked fabric handkerchief.
I haven't seen a handkerchief carrying man in years.
They can be used for so many things, though.. Binding stuff, blowing a nose, using as a sun hat with a knot at each corner, as an emergency bandage, an pro tem collar for a dog, all sorts of things.

Blossomtoes · 16/12/2022 23:08

I’ve been in that chair too. It’s such an act of love. 💐

Bluesandwhites · 16/12/2022 23:13

@thegreenlight
I've been there too, sending a huge hug to you and your Mum & Dad. If you feel you have run out of things to say could you read or sing to him? He can still hear you, I would like to think I will not die alone. Some people do not know their Dads, you are blessed.

everydaysabeginning · 16/12/2022 23:13

I'm so sorry

oakleaffy · 16/12/2022 23:15

OrangeCinnamonLatte · 16/12/2022 21:47

I'm so sorry @thegreenlight I've sat where you are now, last year. We don't talk about end of life enough , it can be such a long drawn out process. Sometimes it is not peaceful and sometimes it is uneventful. Your Dad sounds lovely and I'm so truly sorry that your world is not how it should be right now. 😔

It's very true..End of life /Death is a 'Taboo' in our society {England at least}..It's not really mentioned.
It ought to be, as it is all so overwhelming if one doesn't know what to expect.

strokefil · 16/12/2022 23:17

Much love ❤️ 💐 was in a similar position with FIL ❤️

giggly · 16/12/2022 23:20

I went through this earlier this year. Part of me wanted his torture to end but for that to happen would mean to lose him forever. I mostly sat quietly beside him soaking in the last few days / hours and trying to cherish him . He would waken up and say who’s there , or right it’s yourself giggly, and dd.
Any new visitor he would lift his head with extreme effort to greet them. I’m
grateful that I was the one he chose to be with when he passed, I love him even more for that as he absolutely knew I was there .
Just be with him💕

CousinKrispy · 16/12/2022 23:28

So sorry, OP, much love. Your dad sounds so lovely.

Isahlo · 16/12/2022 23:36

Oh love your heart. He sounds so lovely
off just absolutely shite

LtdEdition01 · 16/12/2022 23:38

Sending you love and a huge supportive unmumsnet hug xxxx

VillanellesCoat · 16/12/2022 23:40

Been through this with both my parents. As others have said, of course it’s heartbreaking for you, but I hope one day soon you’ll feel the honour and beauty in sharing these precious hours with him.
I talked to my Dad about happy memories from my childhood, thanking him for all he’d given me.
My mom had been lost to us with that cruel disease dementia, so all I could do was keep telling her she was safe and loved. Right at the end I felt I reverted right back to childhood, even calling her mommy. I’ve never told anyone that - embarrassed I guess. I think it was a culmination of ‘losing’ her a few years before and, in times of distress, really just needing my mom. In one breath I was begging her not to go, and in the next apologising for being so selfish & telling her it was ok to go.

I think what I’m trying to say is that there’s no right or wrong things to do or ways to behave. You are giving him the gift of your time and love at his last. I hope his passing is peaceful and you find the strength you need to get through this xx

YouOKHun · 16/12/2022 23:44

I really feel for you @thegreenlight . I was in your position 18 months ago. It’s so very hard. Losing a lovely dad is tough but in time the fact he’s a lovely man and a great father will be a comfort. That’s what I have found as the months have passed. I wish you and your family strength at this time and send love 💐

JuneOsborne · 16/12/2022 23:47

Another one that's sat there too. Solidarity and understanding from me. The cruelty of it. Knowing that one more injection and it'd be over is a special kind of heartache. Not wanting it to be over, yet willing it because it's the only kind thing left.

You might amaze yourself with your strength, you may not. You may struggle in a way you never expected. You may not. But what is certain is that tomorrow will come and you'll do it. And the next day. Whatever 'it' is.

Hugs and love and all that stuff were not supposed to say to strangers on the internet.

chronictonic · 16/12/2022 23:49

So sorry OP. My hisband has just driven 8 hours to do the same with his mum, havinf just had his dad's funeral last week. I could go with him this time and my heart is breaking for him.
Sending you strength and I hope some peace

Cherrycee · 16/12/2022 23:56

It is awful and it absolutely is unfair, I'm sorry you're going through this.

As much as it hurts now, you will be glad to look back and know you were there with him. That wasn't really possible for me because of covid and it's something I think would have helped. Nothing takes away how hard it is right now though.

You will get through it and eventually you will have more of the happy memories coming back to you than the sad ones. Take care of yourself x

Ntafreyd · 17/12/2022 00:01

Sending love and virtual hugs. It's a great testimony when a child says a Parent was a good Dad/Mum. Take comfort in that.

Salome61 · 17/12/2022 00:02

So very sorry OP, I'm glad you and your Mum can be with him. Take care x

goshdoyoumeantobsorude · 17/12/2022 00:07

I too have Sat in your chair. The biggest privilege in life is to be there at the end.
you hold his hand, you chat, you tell him you are all there together. You tell him you love him. A life well lived and a life well loved. To love and be loved that is the riches of our world. This is the last thing you do for him keep strong you can do this.

kateandme · 17/12/2022 00:15

Everything he is you have in you.and will take with you op. They don't make them like him perhaps,but they do in his daughter,in all he's shown and seeped into you.you get to carry that.you get to show him to the world still,through you.you get to keep him in your heart.
He's a good man because he had a great family that made him want to be the best for them.that loved him and he loved back.
It's so hard.this time of year almost seems doubly cruel.i no this.ive been there.
You will be ok.its impossible many times a day until it's not.
We are here if you need us.