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AIBU?

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Original poster

Contacted by bully's mother

355 replies

Jennybeans401 · 16/12/2022 18:45

Dd hleft her previous primary school due to bullying. Two girls in particular had been excluding her, making fun of her and it led to dd having mental health problems (nightmares, anxiety). One of the girls had been best friends with dd until year 3 then really turned on her- all the more hurtful.

School couldn't resolve the problem and off rolled us over the telephone. They hadn't recorded the bullying and didn't want to acknowledge it.

Dd started a new school before half term and is recovering. She misses some of her friends but never asks to speak to them. She's much happier in herself, moving on.

Yesterday the mum of her ex best friend texted me. X misses dd and really wants to meet and talk, perhaps in the park. Months ago when dd was struggling the mum rarely contacted me, she's quite narcissistic and was very competitive. This also translated to her dd wanting to compete with dd.

Friend of mine thinks I should go ahead with the meeting and 'bury the hatchet'. However I don't want to set dd back, she's been doing so well. I asked her earlier if she ever misses X. She said 'a bit' but not when she was nasty.

AIBU not to reply? I don't usually ignore messages but I really don't want to deal with this anymore more. We have had to move schools and it's been a big adjustment for us, the time for her to talk to me was surely months ago?

OP posts:
SoShallINever · 16/12/2022 20:03

Not a chance would I let them meet.

SouthwarkSwish · 16/12/2022 20:03

Stripedbag101 · 16/12/2022 19:39

I would respond and say

‘I don’t think a meet- up is a good idea for the girls after everything that happened. DD is doing really well at her new school, and I think it would be best for both girls to move on from this friendship. All the best’

I like this.

Reugny · 16/12/2022 20:04

Picklewicklepickle · 16/12/2022 20:00

I love the idea of just replying “No thanks”.

Its direct and she can’t complain that you ignored her or that you were rude and you don’t need to get drawn into lengthy explanations/excuses.

Unfortunately she will take that as an opportunity to try to start a dialogue.

Some text messages never get delivered as text messaging isn't actually a guaranteed protocol. Likewise emails can end up in your spam folder even if you have communicated with that person loads of times

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/12/2022 20:04

I would reply, but just say thanks for the thought, but that wouldn’t be helpful for DD right now. Wishing you all a good Christmas and HNY

ignoring the text is childish, but I certainly wouldn’t go, or mention it to DD

billy1966 · 16/12/2022 20:04

Absolutely not.

Having to move school is drastic and the behaviour you describe is very nasty.

I wouldn't dream of replying and would be tempted to block her to drive the point home.

Don't mention a word to your daughter.

What a tough time you have had.

HotChoxs · 16/12/2022 20:05

The thing is responding opens a dialogue whatever you say and actions speak louder than words.

aSpanielintheworks · 16/12/2022 20:07

"I'm sorry but I'm sure you appreciate that to have to go to the extreme of moving schools as the situation between the girls got so bad, involving a huge upheaval and lots of readjustment wasn't something to take lightly. DD is now really happy, and I don't want to jeopardise that, she needs to draw a line now and move on. Happy Christmas"

And press send.

Some will say omit the word sorry but I'm just saying what I'd put!

WishIhadacrystalball · 16/12/2022 20:07

@Jennybeans401 i wonder if now your daughter has left of the billy is finding herself the one being excluded and picked on hence her missing her.
Glad your dd is settling well into her new school, onwards and upwards, leave those people far behind you don’t owe them anything.

Saz12 · 16/12/2022 20:08

Id be messaging along the lines of “DD is doing great at new school and is happy there. It’s best for her not to get sucked back into the poor dynamic of her past relationship with your DD, so we’ll not be keen to meet up, but thanks for your concern”.

The time for her to step in has been and gone.

Picklewicklepickle · 16/12/2022 20:09

Reugny · 16/12/2022 20:04

Unfortunately she will take that as an opportunity to try to start a dialogue.

Some text messages never get delivered as text messaging isn't actually a guaranteed protocol. Likewise emails can end up in your spam folder even if you have communicated with that person loads of times

Show quote history

At that point I would ignore and block, just lets you take the high road first then she looks like the unreasonable one by persisting (which she is but sounds like the kind of person to spin it).

rka2017 · 16/12/2022 20:09

Oh my god , after moving school it’s a such a big thing , I would never ever consider at all. When my daughter was in year 5 she complained similar things but we were not in a position to move school.
honestly if it’s me I would block all contacts from this mum and daughter.

Lovageandrose · 16/12/2022 20:09

Ignore or tell her to fuck off.

VisaGeezer · 16/12/2022 20:09

Likelihood is she;.

Had now become bullied or isolated herself, been turned on ...

Or

She's lost her source of ridicule, superiority, gossip, status and wants to pull your dd back in (even at another school) to continue to have the source material that got her so much status and attention before. There's still a lot of gossiping and ridiculing she could do, even with her at a different school. Esp if your dd were to meet her, hang out etc.

scoobydoo1971 · 16/12/2022 20:10

I had a similar situation with my daughter. She had a friend from her former school. I saw there was teasing and mild bullying going on, and directed her to other friends. The girl kept falling out with everyone else, and coming back to my daughter. Mother was encouraging the friendship, but I didn't like the impact it had on my daughter. I waited until my daughter had decided she didn't like her anymore (other girl had played a prank and it was quite nasty really). My daughter blocked her and told her friendship was over. Girl was sending begging messages to my phone for weeks so I text her mother and said they are not friends anymore. My daughter is happy now and went to social clubs where she met new girls who are nice and friendly. Don't let the mother of the other girl persuade you this is a good idea. It will be because she wants to 'win' or wants to get a nice friend for her child hoping positive qualities rub off.

Slipslops · 16/12/2022 20:12

I’ve had similar with my daughter. She moved school earlier this year and she now has a lovely group of friends and is far happier. Block on all SM and forms of contact, it’s quite therapeutic, and it closes a door on their toxicity. And don’t look back!

PatchworkElmer · 16/12/2022 20:12

Don’t meet up, you’d be setting your DD back. Personally I’d just ignore the message. Which is a response in itself.

iwasaterribleteen · 16/12/2022 20:13

I'd consider sending something like:

"It took a long time for DD to get over what happened and it's only now that she's changed school that she isn't beginning to feel more positive. Therefore I feel it's best if she doesn't meet up"

rka2017 · 16/12/2022 20:13

NameIsBryceQuinlan · 16/12/2022 19:28

I would have to reply and say I can't believe you'd even suggest this after your toxic child made my daughter miserable. Then block her

Exactly you must be very soft person even asking opinion about this. Stay away

MaryDerry · 16/12/2022 20:14

I would reply, I'd say something like "thanks for the message but at the moment meeting up wouldn't be good. Hope all well."

Then if in later years your family are in in touch with them again (secondary school/college/activities) you know you acknowledged it politely but put your DD first.

VisaGeezer · 16/12/2022 20:14

After all, the group at school used her as a focus of gossip, ridicule, making themselves feel superior and bonded etc. They've lost that; they perhaps haven't replaced her yet, they're probably curious about her, missing her as a focus/victim; would love an update for a continuation of the ridiculing and bonding over it.

This girl, it sounds like, was the closest to her (?) therefore the best bet to pull her back in. They're naive and arrogant enough to think that could be done.

Reugny · 16/12/2022 20:15

Picklewicklepickle · 16/12/2022 20:09

At that point I would ignore and block, just lets you take the high road first then she looks like the unreasonable one by persisting (which she is but sounds like the kind of person to spin it).

Show quote history

If you reply she will spin it.

If you ignore there is absolutely nothing to spin and she will never know if the OP received her message.

And if the OP meets her randomly in the street/supermarket/where ever she just needs to look confused about who she is and tell her she doesn't know who she is e.g.

"Sorry who are you again?"

"Olivia's mother?"

"Sorry I don't know you"

"Nope still don't know who you are"

"Sorry I'm busy and don't have a clue who you or your daughter are."

lamaze1 · 16/12/2022 20:15

The bullying was bad enough to warrant changing schools. The time got cut chat between either the kids, or you and the other mum has long since passed. It highly doubt anything good will come of it. You'll just be running the risk of exposing your daughter to more trouble. Don't let these people push their way back in. I'd say no and not feel the need to give any sort of any explanation. Any pushback by the mother will simply confirm you're right to say no in the first place.

Gronkle · 16/12/2022 20:17

Nah, just skip off into the sunset without a backwards glance, you don't need them in your life and you don't owe them anything.

HotChoxs · 16/12/2022 20:19

The message is just about her daughter and want she wants. Nothing about how sorry she is and hopes your daughter is doing well. It's just vile after your daughter has had to move school.

AliceOlive · 16/12/2022 20:30

It's really so galling! I would want to say "Your daughter wants what? My DD had to change schools to get away from toxic behavior spearheaded by your daughter. You could have helped at the time, but choose to abandon us. Why would you think I would expose her to that again?"

But saying nothing or something like "I am sorry but we have moved on. Best of luck to both of you." is probably the best course.