Contacted by bully's mother

[Jennybeans401]

Dd hleft her previous primary school due to bullying. Two girls in particular had been excluding her, making fun of her and it led to dd having mental health problems (nightmares, anxiety). One of the girls had been best friends with dd until year 3 then really turned on her- all the more hurtful.

School couldn't resolve the problem and off rolled us over the telephone. They hadn't recorded the bullying and didn't want to acknowledge it.

Dd started a new school before half term and is recovering. She misses some of her friends but never asks to speak to them. She's much happier in herself, moving on.

Yesterday the mum of her ex best friend texted me. X misses dd and really wants to meet and talk, perhaps in the park. Months ago when dd was struggling the mum rarely contacted me, she's quite narcissistic and was very competitive. This also translated to her dd wanting to compete with dd.

Friend of mine thinks I should go ahead with the meeting and 'bury the hatchet'. However I don't want to set dd back, she's been doing so well. I asked her earlier if she ever misses X. She said 'a bit' but not when she was nasty.

AIBU not to reply? I don't usually ignore messages but I really don't want to deal with this anymore more. We have had to move schools and it's been a big adjustment for us, the time for her to talk to me was surely months ago?

Delete and block.

Now your child has moved these bullies have probably turned their attention on this woman’s daughter! I would reply and not ignore but I would reiterate why you moved schools and it was partly to do with this girls behaviour and your dd is doing really well now and you don’t think it would be helpful to reconnect with this woman’s daughter after the way she treated her before.

Er, RTFT. The woman's daughter was the bully, not a bunch of other girls.

One of mine faced similar from a friend's slightly older, much bigger child who was known for his physical bullying of numerous children. He assaulted my child at school, and I went to talk to her calmly about it trying to avoid taking it up with the school as he was frequently in trouble. Mum did not take the conversation well, which should not have surprised me in retrospect, and tried to blame my son and his friends for 'winding him up'. By existing, apparently. Her child ended up with very few friends, and he was well known for bullying his own younger siblings, who are also, funnily enough, quite unkind in many ways.

His useless father didn't know what to do as his wife was the SAHM and insisted on being the lead on parenting. He used to say openly to mutual friends that he didn't know what to do as he wasn't allowed to really disagree with her on any of it.

Ignore this please for the sake of your daughters mental health.

delete And block, do not let your dd near those bully’s. Mother included. She’s doing better now, don’t set her back. X

Honestly.... Ignore her or email back in a formal fashion briefing her of the damage done to your daughter by hers. The fact is was not addressed. Tell her on no uncertain terms the friendship is well and truly over.
Dont mentioned it to your daughter, you don't want her having to deal with that horrid child again.
Cut out toxic people. Cut them off. They have No part of your lives. Do not revisit.

the reason they made contact, as others have said, was self-serving.

maybe they are hoping to:

• brag / gloat
• re-open an old wound
• be nosey and probe you on something
• casually say or share something they know will upset you

The sudden making contact is highly unlikely to be for a reason that has you and your bests interests at its core.

I am not say this didn't happen but are you sure you are not projecting just a little. Here is some of your terminology regarding your year 3 DD.

Your posts include your DD being bullied, suffering from aniexty, mental health issues, nightmares, stress, lack of confidence as well as trust issues. You consider her being a victim of covert bullying and you describe the mother as being a bit narcissistic, image obsessed and competitive.

Your DD is year 3 age 7-8. She is now in a new school ..... Come on, isn't this more about you and your relationship with you ex friend?

RU4real? The terminology fits what has happened.

My DC developed acute anxiety in Y3. Not bullying related, but I would use the same vernacular as OP to describe their mental health issues, nightmares, stress, lack of confidence and trust issues (in their teacher, who she simply didn't gel with). Just because they are children doesn't mean you shouldn't ascribe adult terms to what they're going through.

No no no don’t meet her . Your daughter is doing well now, she’s your priority. The only person who’ll benefit from meeting up is the bully, why would you want that.

What are you struggling to understand here?

It would be a big NO from me. You've had to uproot your DD and she is recovering from her ordeal. Don't set her back by organising a meetup with the mean girls.

This.

I'm a few days late but wanted to give my opinion anyway. YANBU - if the bully's mother is truly a narcissist then nothing you say or do will make any difference to the situation. You can not reason with a narcissist - she will be looking for an angle to lure you in and then will go for the attack either overly or covertly. I have read a lot about narcissistic personality disorder (I have a narc mother) and one tactic is known as hoovering. As I say, if you are truly dealing with a narcissist, the fact that you have moved your daughter will be killing her. Narcs feed off negative energy and knowing that her daughter was causing your daughter pain will have been feeding this desire for misery. You've taken her supply away so to get her "fix", she is trying to "hoover" you back in, but I can absolutely guarantee that NOTHING will have changed You say you have moved your daughter to get away from these people - why for the love of god would you contemplate going back. DO NOT DO IT.

Be very careful when dealing with a narcissist - they are dangerous people. It sounds dramatic doesn't it, but just be careful. Every word that comes out of your mouth will be put into a mental bank and pulled out and used against you in the future and do not put anything in writing. I wouldn't reply - just ignore it but be aware that they will put a spin on this as well. You don't owe anybody anything.

It's called hoovering and you're right, it is for their own needs, not yours:

whatiscodependency.com/hoovering-when-narcissists-wont-let-go/#:~:text=Hoovering%20is%20a%20Power%2DPlay%20for%20Narcissists&text=They%20lack%20empathy%20and%20the,information%2C%20status%2C%20or%20love.

I agree with your plans and PP's "don't feed the narc" comments - best not to reply to this mother's texts. Anything you say will be twisted or set upon

Ultimately the other DD was manipulating your Dd alternating from gushing over her to bullying her. There is no "burying the hatchet" after that. There's only opportunity to drawn your DD back into an emotionally bullying friendship. I doubt other Dd has changed & don't doubt that as soon as she has her little feet under the table she will start upon your Dd again

All you can do in those circa is walk away and support DD that she chooses her friends don't be manipulated to even spend auntie of her time with someone who is nice-nasty a wolf in sheep's clothing.

A minute not "auntie"
Doh!

Maybe the mother has a “business opportunity” she wishes to discuss with you. Head for the hills!

I haven't read the whole thread but if I were you I'd make sure the new school knows of the bullying. It would be a perpetuation of the bullying for the abuser to transfer to your daughter's new school. If they have an effective anti-bullying strategy they might decline to accept her.

Agree with the advice not to contact the other mum. Was in a very similar situation with my dd. We had a year of hell, trying to get her to go to school, after her ex best friend turned on her and isolated her from the other girls. She has since moved on and is much happier. All this begs the question: why do Mums not teach their daughters NOT to be bitches? NOT to exclude other girls? I have drummed that into my dd since the day she started school. I know from speaking to other mothers, the attitude is usually 'sure they're all bitches at that age'. We need to stop normalising this nasty behaviour or blaming it on hormones. (delighted to hear OP's daughter is doing well, and has such a supportive mum)

I agree with this.

Give her secondary school the information to help protect your child.

You owe this woman and her daughter nothing.

I've had no contact with the bully's mother, dd doesn't know anything which is good.

Dd doesn't miss the girl or the others that were bullying her. She rarely ever talks about them, it's a relief to her that she doesn't have to be around this girl.

OP, it's really nice of you to keep updating the thread. Good to know you simply took the high way out of this and ignored your daughter's bully and her narcissist mother, and nothing more came of it.