Contacted by bully's mother

[Jennybeans401]

Dd hleft her previous primary school due to bullying. Two girls in particular had been excluding her, making fun of her and it led to dd having mental health problems (nightmares, anxiety). One of the girls had been best friends with dd until year 3 then really turned on her- all the more hurtful.

School couldn't resolve the problem and off rolled us over the telephone. They hadn't recorded the bullying and didn't want to acknowledge it.

Dd started a new school before half term and is recovering. She misses some of her friends but never asks to speak to them. She's much happier in herself, moving on.

Yesterday the mum of her ex best friend texted me. X misses dd and really wants to meet and talk, perhaps in the park. Months ago when dd was struggling the mum rarely contacted me, she's quite narcissistic and was very competitive. This also translated to her dd wanting to compete with dd.

Friend of mine thinks I should go ahead with the meeting and 'bury the hatchet'. However I don't want to set dd back, she's been doing so well. I asked her earlier if she ever misses X. She said 'a bit' but not when she was nasty.

AIBU not to reply? I don't usually ignore messages but I really don't want to deal with this anymore more. We have had to move schools and it's been a big adjustment for us, the time for her to talk to me was surely months ago?

I mistook your meaning.

Probably 6-of-1 and half-a dozen of the other.

It's very easy to be misinterpreted when posting

I know where I would want to bury the hatchet. But really, I would just ignore. Don't get sucked back into it.

You've protected your daughter,why then would you open this door to allow the potential of her being hurt again?
She is not old enough to realise this bully was never her true friend even when being nice.
Reply saying it doesn't work for either of you and ignore after that.
hope your dd goes from strength to strength🌈

She wasn't interested when the problem was yours. She can get on with it alone now. Maybe the daughter is being bullied herself now and needs her friends. Tough. You could explain to the Mother that your daughter is slowly recovering but it has taken time and isn't fully recovered (lay it on with a trowel!). Much as you would love it etc etc, you cannot take the risk!

I'd bury the hatchet, in her bloody head. No concern for your daughter, but her poor daughter is now sad. Vile mother, breeding a vile daughter, unless they both change. Thank goodness your daughter is recovering in her new school. Well done mum and daughter.

You could explain to the Mother that your daughter is slowly recovering but it has taken time and isn't fully recovered (lay it on with a trowel!). Much as you would love it etc etc, you cannot take the risk!

Why would you lie? What's this bullshit "much as you would love it" meant to achieve?
Why would you want to present the daughter as a perpetual victim? For the drama?

The best revenge is living well.
The best way to deal with bullies & narcs is to avoid & NC them.

You mention the word ‘narcissistic’ in relation to the mother. Well, this is what they do: they bully and manipulative until the bullied and manipulated person is forced to take radical action. And it’s at this point, they ratchet up the manipulative behaviour another gear and start acting.

it’s all a game of control. The bully’s mother (+ poss the little girl too), want desperately to be acknowledged. They need you to pay them some attention.

It would, IMO, be a terrible mistake to engage at any level. You don’t even owe them a reply, even, although it prob seems rude not to acknowledge. Don’t open the door to communication.

If the mother has narcissistic tendencies, the daughter - although young - will not be emotionally healthy either.

spare your lovely daughter all of this.

spare her questions like the one you’ve asked, where the answers feature words like ‘manipulative’, ‘power’ ‘control’, ‘attention’.

Agree, with @KettrickenSmiled, as tempting as it is to put her in her place, get your own back it, she'll only use it to draw you in so she can make you her b1tch etc.
Dont give her any attention at all.

I could have wrote this! The torture we went through with our 11 year old at the time he is now 17 and we moved schools and actually considered moving house as they lived next door!! It was horrendous we have moved since but not cos of them but it was the mother that was the problem and the principal was useless I would nevrt ever speak to either of them even again even if they apologised

Don't open up old wounds. Your daughter is worth more than that.

Shake off the bad rubbish.

Do you love your daughter? If so why are you even considering this?

I'd reply. It would be a very firm "No. Your daughter's behaviour was why mine no longer attends the same school. Please don't contact me again" Then block her.

Here's the thing. Children are fickle and this child would have no insight into what she and the other has done to your DD & even if the mother wasn't understanding of the very real consequences of her child's terrible behaviour, both you and your DD do & have lived it.

It might just be a case of this girl being bored with the other & thinking she can easily flip-flop back to your DD but it's really not on when a child's MH has been affected.

You do not owe these people anything, not even a response but if it were me I would & I wouldn't hold back on why your DD left that school & what her darling didums and her friend caused for your DD... I think it's utterly vulgar of the woman to even think about asking.

Hugs to you and DD. My now 24yr old DD was bullied for years and I can't stand bullies

my reply would be God no.

X misses dd and really wants to meet and talk, perhaps in the park.

Maybe I’m childish but I’d have to reply and be tempted with:

Seriously? You want my daughter to meet up with the bully who tormented her day in, day out, for x months so badly that she had to move schools to get away? Are you for real? I cannot believe she has the gall to even ask this after everything she put my daughter through!!!

Well something to that effect so that there’s no doubt in her mind what your daughter has been subjected to and then block her.

I would reply "we moved "Mary" to her present school to get her away from the constant bullying by your daughter and others. We have no intention of travelling that road again". So there is no doubt and maybe, just maybe, it will make her stop and consider her daughter's actions. Then block.

Reply saying thanks for the message but that that after all the heartache endured; your Dd has made many new friends & is settled in her school she doesn’t want to resurrect the old negative emotions; caused by the bullying she experienced at her daughters hands.
You owe her nor her spiteful spawn anything; maybe she is feeling remorseful but it’s most likely the other little witches have turned on her; sad but she will survive; she didn’t want to know when it was your little girl xx

@Poppingmad123 me too.

I went somewhere once and a woman who has never liked me and never been nice said loudly in front of everyone ’where were you last night Merry? We so missed you’ to try and embarrass me for not attending something the prior night.

I just said ‘really? You’ve never said anything pleasant to me before and have been nothing but nasty behind my back so I’d be surprised if you missed me’ and carried on with my day.

Are you sure it was the mother who texted? Why suggest the park?
Is this an attempt to lure your.DD into an ambush?
I know it's not very likely but still - there is something odd about this.

I think politely decline and reiterate that you moved your daughter to get away from the bullying.
I hope she's recovering. It must have been very tough for both you and her.

You uprooted your DD to get her away from this girl. The mother did nothing to help you whatsoever.
I would arrange it, don’t take your daughter, just go yourself, and absolutely wring her out for her appalling behaviour. Calmly and measured and with ice. I really hate bullies!

My first thought was for you to ask your dd how she would feel if she bumped into this girl and see if you can gauge her reaction. But then I thought what if they meet and mother and daughter were just there to justify the daughter's behaviour and your dd came away feeling worse. On balance I would say its probably best to play safe and not organise a meeting. Do you think anything would be gained by you meeting the mum? If nothing else you could let her know loud and clear the pain that your dd went through. Your call at the end of the day. Best of luck to your daughter.

Putting aside for a moment that it would be a really bad idea to expose your DD to the bully again just when she's reached an even keel, you are right not to engage with this mother. I bet you anything this is about redeeming herself in the eyes of the other parents at the school gate – they must know yours left because her DD was bullying her and I imagine there has been some fallout. If you meet up, she can say to them that she's smoothed it over with you and it was all misunderstanding etc. Don't give her the opportunity to rewrite history.

Don't say anything that could reopen the can of worms. It wasn't just this girl who bullied your DD even if she was an instigator which you don't know. So no messages just block. If you have to, "no thank you" is all you need to say.

And keep your DD off social media, well done you. It does more harm than good.