Contacted by bully's mother

[Jennybeans401]

Dd hleft her previous primary school due to bullying. Two girls in particular had been excluding her, making fun of her and it led to dd having mental health problems (nightmares, anxiety). One of the girls had been best friends with dd until year 3 then really turned on her- all the more hurtful.

School couldn't resolve the problem and off rolled us over the telephone. They hadn't recorded the bullying and didn't want to acknowledge it.

Dd started a new school before half term and is recovering. She misses some of her friends but never asks to speak to them. She's much happier in herself, moving on.

Yesterday the mum of her ex best friend texted me. X misses dd and really wants to meet and talk, perhaps in the park. Months ago when dd was struggling the mum rarely contacted me, she's quite narcissistic and was very competitive. This also translated to her dd wanting to compete with dd.

Friend of mine thinks I should go ahead with the meeting and 'bury the hatchet'. However I don't want to set dd back, she's been doing so well. I asked her earlier if she ever misses X. She said 'a bit' but not when she was nasty.

AIBU not to reply? I don't usually ignore messages but I really don't want to deal with this anymore more. We have had to move schools and it's been a big adjustment for us, the time for her to talk to me was surely months ago?

Honestly you’ve made the right decision. Too many parents these days overlook their child’s behaviour because they have mum guilt! I had the exact same issue with my daughter. I contacted the parents when she was being bullied only to be told ‘they’re just kids’ except when their daughter was on the receiving end and they contacted me. That relationship was part of the reason we moved schools was my response-when they’re old enough if they want to meet up let’s leave it to them was my reply. They never did and honestly my daughter was all the more confident for it.

I wouldn't reply. Save your dds heartache and your headache.

Dont agree to meet atleast not at the moment as this could have a negative effect of your DDs recovery as such.

I would stay well away. Our son has gone through bullying from a group of kids he classed as friends. He's only just getting over this now. He has told me during the last couple of weeks that these kids have started to separate from each other and it seems like they are now falling out. I should imagine this may be happening in your situation and suddenly this girl and her mum are realising what a good friend your daughter was! If you have had to move schools because of this I wouldn't go anywhere near them.

I’d sack them off - your DD has moved on and doing well, keep charging forward without the bully.

Hard no from me…. That type of bullying comes from serious underlying issues with the bully and her own sense of self, which, of her mother is narcissistic as you say, will have been the environment she has been raised in. It’s not resolvable with an apology, because they would be the type to apologise and then it would continue.

I would have to sit on my hands not to pen a reply that suggest that until her daughter has resolved her issues with her own self-identity that leaves her feeling the need to belittle others you feel there is no benefit to your daughter if a friendship with her.

That said, having recently met a similar type of personality head on recently, I realise they have no ability to self-reflect and can therefore confirm that the blocking and ignoring is the best course of action to just let it die away in this situation!

That said, having recently met a similar type of personality head on recently, I realise they have no ability to self-reflect and can therefore confirm that the blocking and ignoring is the best course of action to just let it die away in this situation!

This.

Also - no response is the WORST thing you can do to a narc. Drives 'em crazy. How very DARE you not provide Supply on demand!

I also got bullied at school and the healing lasted well into my thirty’s. I agree with this if it is mediated well. This can help your DD to heal a lot faster and for x to become conscientious of the impact of her behaviour.

You might want to read into group dynamics: the bullies, the bullied and the enablers. I think there are also a few good YouTube videos. The ideal person to mediate the meeting could be someone who does this professionally, a councillor or someone working in pastoral care. Perhaps someone from the new school would be able to help or advise.

Do a Sarah Millican.
"I will not reply more than this as we do not remember you favourably".

Id be polite and honest.

Lovey to hear from you, hope family are well: DD has moved on and is doing well at the new
School. it's taken time but she's adjusting gradually. For now, we don't want to meet but maybe in the future one day they can make amends. Take care xx

I was bullied as a child and they came round for me to supposedly bury the hatchet and invite me out with them. They'd actually planned an ambush and beat me up really badly. I'd steer clear. In your case I'd guess the mother either wants to make herself or her child look better by reaching out. Well done for protecting your child.

IGNORE

Just realised that I might not have been clear. I’m not suggesting for the girls to become friends again. This is just a meeting to create closure for your DD and a steep learning curve for x.

i also would do everything possible to avoid that x joins your DD’s school.

i would also understand if you’d go and met them on your own to ask what x’s intentions where.

Run for the hills, as they say.

Yes this is what I would do.

I’d reply… it wouldn’t be a kind message whatsoever.

Do not engage!

I know this thread is a day old, and you might not still be reading the replies, but here goes:

If the mother has narcissistic personality traits, she will have enjoyed her daughter having the "upper hand" socially, and thus not been interested at all to aknowledge or stop the bullying.

By moving your daughter out of the school, and thus out of her daughters reach, and your daughter doing well, she'll have lost that bit of social status. Her daughter (and by extension, herself) has lost the attention and admiration that came with the "friendship" and the social status it gained her.

The worst thing you can do to a narcissist is to ignore them and thereby show them they don't mean much.

The mother is obviously the real problem here, but her daughter is not your responsibility, so do not feel guilty that she "misses her friend." More likely, the mother installed that idea in her because she misses the powerplay and the social "upper hand."

My best advice is to not reply to the messages. Doesn't matter if they're marked read or unread (you can read them if you're curious), but just don't aknowledge that woman in any way at all. She definitely doesn't have your daughter's best interest at heart, that much is for sure.

Block her and delete her.

the only response she’d get from me is a two word one. So it’s best you don’t say anything. Definitely nothing positive or anything that could be construed as you giving a shit about her or her child.

take care of yourself and your dd

YANBU. NO!! DO NOT REPLY WHATSOEVER. YOUR DAUGHTER AND HER HAPPINESS COMES FIRST. IF YOU REPLY YOU WILL BE SETTING YOUR DAUGHTER BACK. ABSOLUTELY IGNORE

That woman had a responsibility to sort her kid out and she didn’t. She can fuck off inti the sea , you had to move DD schools as a result of her shit parenting

'Lovely to hear from you'???? Seriously? You think OP and her DD should be conciliatory towards the child who bullied her out of school and the parent who facilitated it?

Just realised that I might not have been clear. I’m not suggesting for the girls to become friends again. This is just a meeting to create closure for your DD and a steep learning curve for x

what is this notion of “closure” @N1no ? A child of 11 needs to know that the adults have firm boundaries and have her back. She needs to be encouraged to make new friends in her new school - that’s closure. It isn’t being put back in a situation with another child who has made her life difficult and whose mother has a doubtful agenda. It’s not up to OP to help the other girl learn a lesson, and nor is it clear to me that she would learning anything from a meeting (however skilled the mediator). And rather than closure I see further disturbance on the menu for OP’s daughter.

But that's not honest, is it.

It has been very far from lovely for OP to hear from this woman. Quite the reverse.

And there is no need for politeness. There is no need for anything, not even a response.

I think it’s a really bad idea to reply with anything. She just wants a reaction. There’s no need to say how upset she made your dd blah blah of course she knows what happened, she’d probably get a kick out any reply you give her, even if it’s a F off. She’ll know she’s wound you up. You have no idea how these people operate so take the safe option of no reply which saves your dd potential humiliation too. Just block without replying. It’ll drive her up the wall knowing you don’t sing to her tune of having a conversation with her. These people want control more than anything else.

Because KettrickenSmiled, the bully's Mother needs to understand the impact of her daughter's actions, only then will she address them.