Contacted by bully's mother

[Jennybeans401]

Dd hleft her previous primary school due to bullying. Two girls in particular had been excluding her, making fun of her and it led to dd having mental health problems (nightmares, anxiety). One of the girls had been best friends with dd until year 3 then really turned on her- all the more hurtful.

School couldn't resolve the problem and off rolled us over the telephone. They hadn't recorded the bullying and didn't want to acknowledge it.

Dd started a new school before half term and is recovering. She misses some of her friends but never asks to speak to them. She's much happier in herself, moving on.

Yesterday the mum of her ex best friend texted me. X misses dd and really wants to meet and talk, perhaps in the park. Months ago when dd was struggling the mum rarely contacted me, she's quite narcissistic and was very competitive. This also translated to her dd wanting to compete with dd.

Friend of mine thinks I should go ahead with the meeting and 'bury the hatchet'. However I don't want to set dd back, she's been doing so well. I asked her earlier if she ever misses X. She said 'a bit' but not when she was nasty.

AIBU not to reply? I don't usually ignore messages but I really don't want to deal with this anymore more. We have had to move schools and it's been a big adjustment for us, the time for her to talk to me was surely months ago?

Definitely ignore. I guarantee she has only text to see how your DD is "coping" without her DD.

Thanks, still no contact from me and I feel its right. I feel we are moving forward and dd seems so much better without this girl in her life. Dd was constantly set up by this girl and it really affected everything.

Today we've been shopping, dd in great spirits and I really enjoy her growing confidence.

You are all so right about the mother. She is extremely competitive, v image obsessed and there were many things that I thought were strange with her.

My dd has always been tall and muscular (stout but not fat). I remember the mother saying to her dd (her dd was 6 at the time) 'oh X you have such a perfect figure, you're so thin.i wish I could be as thin as you.' This was meant to upset my dd who at the age of 6 was really not petite at all (my dd hadn't clue what was going on thankfully). It all sounded weird!!

There were do many things that didn't add up even before the bullying started.

'oh X you have such a perfect figure, you're so thin.i wish I could be as thin as you.'

Oh god.

That woman's child doesn't stand a chance of turning out well adjusted, does she?

Delete and block her, your daughter doesn’t need that negativity back into her life, we have to learn that if people bring negativity into our life we have the control to delete them out of it

I agree. 'No', is a very powerful word and stands well on its own but if I were in your position I would be tempted to expand by saying:

'No, that would be a retrograde step'.

My daughter went through the same experience, it leaves scars and bullying should never be brushed aside. It's one of the new up and coming specialties in Law firms now.

@KettrickenSmiled yes, the girl was angry, she'd have rages. She talked a lot about her mother to my dd, often saying how much she shouted.

'oh X you have such a perfect figure, you're so thin.i wish I could be as thin as you.'

She thinks 6-year-old girls have ‘perfect figures’ that she wants for herself? Christ. That’s disturbing on multiple levels.

Further to that, she thought that was a normal enough thought to say in front of you and your DD? Imagine what she must say to her DD behind closed doors. Unfortunately it’s only ever a matter of time before a parent’s toxic behaviour impacts their child, and unfortunately your DD was on the sharp end of that.

Perhaps explain to your DD why bullies are the way that they are (I.e. troublesome home life) and that X’s behaviour is a reflection of her own circumstances and says nothing about your DD.

I agree with PP who said that the only way to deal with toxic people is to ignore/block. Your instincts have guided you correctly.

Ignore. Nothing is more important than protecting your DD.

First of all I am appalled that the school behaved in such a way, They have a legal obligation to protect your dd and have obviously failed. Should you wish to deal with the matter there then you should discuss it with the CAB as you could take legal action against them.

My sons were also bullied and my advice is to keep your dd safe by staying away from those that hurt her before as it is probable that she may start her destructive behaviour towards your dd. You've had a clean slate start so keep it that way. I would also speak to Kidscape and the Anti-Bullying Campaign. Kidscape were wonderful with the course that they did for my younger son.

As someone who was forced into a meeting to bury the hatchet with my own childhood bully, don't do it. It will do more damage beyond the already substantial damage done by the bullying. Follow your original instinct to prioritize your daughter's happiness. You don't owe anyone else anything. Period, point blank.

And since no one else is saying it, your so called 'friend' is ridiculous to even suggest trying to get your daughter to 'bury the hatchet.' It's a ridiculous and arbitrary societal belief that all conflict must be resolved, one that is disproportionately imposed on women. She must have had one hell of a charmed upbringing without any bulling whatsoever or she is no friend of yours.

Lay it on the line to the Mum

"I was very surprised by your suggestion and can only think it means you're unaware that your daughter bullied mine so badly she had to change schools.

For that reason it's not appropriate for the girls to see each other again."

This other girl was part of the group of bullies who forced your daughter to have to move schools. Even if the other girl does want to get back in contact with your daughter, i think you should cut off all contact with the other girl and her family, for the sake of your daughter's mental health

Don't. Feed. The. Narc.

Block the bitch!

I would try to keep things pleasant with them. You say that your dd has moved schools but time flies and they will soon all be in secondary school and maybe their paths will cross again. Life too short to harbour resentment. Sounds like the mum of the bully has insecurity issues herself. Be the bigger person and be kind. Good luck xx

Be the bigger person and be kind.

Ridiculous sentiment. Children have killed themselves after bullying. OP's priority is to protect her daughter, not appease this dubious woman.

keep going in the direction of your travel and pay them no attention.

If someone behaves badly, in the words of Obama, ‘go higher’. Best not to say anything positive or negative to them.

Its absolutely lovely that DD is happier and gaining confidence. Great, happy news.

Fwiw, the other mum may have been jealous. And if she wasn’t before, your ‘lives being well lived’ may be triggering some jealousy now. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

It's all very odd. If the messages keep coming, then perhaps the only response could be that your dd had a traumatic time at the previous school, and she has now put it all behind her and moved on.

yeah, keep fawning. That always works ...

My advice would be to avoid like the plague. There is some reason that only benefits that narcissistic mum or her daughter that has lead her to getting in touch. Your little one will just end up in that negative spiral again.
My tween daughter has been best friends for years with a kid. As my daughter has matured, she has started to branch out forming new friendships and has started to connect with more kids and brought another kid into the group. Her best friend didn’t like this and being less mature followed a pattern of repetitive negative name calling, horrible personal comments and physical bullying resulting in my little one becoming withdrawn and not wanting to go to school even though my daughter who is a kind sensitive child never excluded her best friend. This escalated the more my child even talked to anyone. In general this child has been treating lots of kids in the class badly- a fact I have only become aware of recently. When I broached this with the mum instead of addressing it with the school, being careful to stick to facts and not criticise her kid, this mother who I considered a friend and spoke to trying to look out for my kid and hers( bully’s are also struggling), handled it terribly, hugely defensive, tried to say my daughter was jealous of hers even though my daughter could wipe the floor with hers on most things she does.She tried to make out my daughter was not sporty, obviously not cool enough, lucky to be even with her at all and that her daughter is so popular which is actually far from the truth in reality. It’s completely the opposite. My daughter was oversensitive( should put up with horrible insults 😡) , not huggy enough ( should but up with physical torture obviously 😳). What I didn’t tell her was that my child wasn’t the only kid getting her child’s wrath and criticism and cruelty but was getting the major brunt of it as her daughter wasn’t able to control mine any longer. I kept my cool, said that my child still wanted to be friends ( even though she’s now allergic) as knew that no point in talking about it as the mum has her blinkers on and doesn’t even realise that her daughter is quite manipulative. It’s so disappointing as I thought that we were in a better place and could act like mature adults and help resolve this. I have been so blind re the mum and daughter for so long. I should have known from
the way she has reacted to other situations with other mums. I overlooked the controlling nature of this mum and child,the overcompetitiveness, comments or looks when the mum or child was jealous or when I did something independently that the mum felt I should have shared. Always on tender hooks wondering what i have done wrong when she’s in a mood. I was so disappointed in myself for subjecting my daughter to this unhealthy so called friendship for so long. My hubbie wasn’t surprised at reactions as he seemed to have had the measure long before I did. Relational aggression is just unhealthy.
Just sharing as it’s a I’d avoid as much as possible. Distance yourself and protect your kid. I’m not saying she won’t come across these types in the future in life but those kids are not her friends, they are not going to change and if she can find like minded friends who care about her and want good things for her and she them, then that’s the way to go.

You’re my hero for listening to your daughter and moving her. Something similar happened to my son and I didn’t appreciate how awful it was for him. I did that awful thing and asked him to be nice to the bully, invite him to his birthday, understand and empathise. I so regret it! When I finally worked it out and went to the Head about it, she was useless. The school couldn’t deal with bullying and turned a blind eye. It would have been inconvenient but I wish I’d moved him. (He’s 16 now and wonderful but these things can have a lasting impact). You’re doing the right thing to disengage

Totally agree. I learnt this the hard way. I’m much less nice now!

It may be possible that the bully finally went to far and got herself expelled from that school and the mother (effer) is looking for another school to put the little hellion. DO NOT give her one little crumb of information. Block her number, NOW! If she has the nerve to go to your house call the police on her and claim she is trespassing. You did not invite her so she is trespassing. Believe me, she will never bother you again. I'd get a Ring doorbell just to record that bit of fun!

Op I'm in a very similar situation to you and have also chosen to block and ignore. Make sure you do it on every message ap and email too if she has your email address. They can be very persistent and it can be derailing for you mentally each time a message arrives. Thank you for posting because I have found it reassuring to read through the comments and see most agree with what I also chose to do. Its great to hear your dd is recovering. Mine is fully recovered now and has no intention of looking back. We've both learned a lot about boundaries and have managed to make it a positive outcome life lesson. Block, move on, be happy. It's the best revenge on these sorts of people.

You have done the right thing, I would move heaven and earth to protect my children
Never in a zillion years would I try the tactic of being nice to a bully! What does that tell your son or daughter! That he or she is terrified hurting but let’s be nice to her tormenter for all the horrendous things they have done to my child, my children come first and foremost and always will.