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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contacted by bully's mother

355 replies

Jennybeans401 · 16/12/2022 18:45

Dd hleft her previous primary school due to bullying. Two girls in particular had been excluding her, making fun of her and it led to dd having mental health problems (nightmares, anxiety). One of the girls had been best friends with dd until year 3 then really turned on her- all the more hurtful.

School couldn't resolve the problem and off rolled us over the telephone. They hadn't recorded the bullying and didn't want to acknowledge it.

Dd started a new school before half term and is recovering. She misses some of her friends but never asks to speak to them. She's much happier in herself, moving on.

Yesterday the mum of her ex best friend texted me. X misses dd and really wants to meet and talk, perhaps in the park. Months ago when dd was struggling the mum rarely contacted me, she's quite narcissistic and was very competitive. This also translated to her dd wanting to compete with dd.

Friend of mine thinks I should go ahead with the meeting and 'bury the hatchet'. However I don't want to set dd back, she's been doing so well. I asked her earlier if she ever misses X. She said 'a bit' but not when she was nasty.

AIBU not to reply? I don't usually ignore messages but I really don't want to deal with this anymore more. We have had to move schools and it's been a big adjustment for us, the time for her to talk to me was surely months ago?

OP posts:
Geppili · 17/12/2022 02:30

BLOCK

Fraaahnces · 17/12/2022 03:17

My guess is that the bullies have turned on her daughter and now she wants to swap schools to the same as your kid. I wouldn’t meet up with her and let her know that DD is now doing well. She’d jump ship like a drowning rat. Let that sleeping dog lie. Also, it’ll drive her nuts knowing you can live without her. (Be prepared for her to drop by though. Put your big girl pants on and get ready to “That doesn’t work for me” her.)

Pinkbluebells · 17/12/2022 04:01

Don't engage with riff raff. You do not owe her a reply. Just block. If she turns up, don't answer the door. Do not let her have the slightest information about your daughter or her circumstances.

LlynTegid · 17/12/2022 07:20

Say no, then block.

billy1966 · 17/12/2022 09:06

DPotter · 16/12/2022 22:14

Maybe worth sharing your concerns with the HT of your DD's school. I have friends who moved their child because of bullying. The new school was very supportive when the bullying child's family tried to move to the new school. The bullying child was not given a place.

This.

Also I would be VERY wary of the mutual friend who she buys stuff from.

Filter ANYTHING you say to her very carefully.

She's possibly too indebted to her to be loyal.

Brefugee · 17/12/2022 09:07

I would decline the invitation on the grounds that my daughter changed schools at a personal cost, to avoid this person's daughter. And let that sit with her.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 17/12/2022 09:10

Absolutely don't meet the mum. Sounds like your DD is doing really well, and she moved away from the school for a reason.
It sounds like she's learned a good lesson about boundaries and not putting up with shit from other people because they've been long term friends etc.

PollyPut · 17/12/2022 09:10

Ignore, don't engage. Nothing to be gained from it

JoyBeorge · 17/12/2022 09:16

Jennybeans401 · 16/12/2022 22:17

@DPotter I'm really hoping this won't happen. I feel like if it does then I will speak to the school.

I'm hoping that this narcissistic mother will stay put as she has her cronies at the old school.

I wouldn't worry too much about that at this stage because the dynamic will already be different at the new school and even if the bully was moved there, she won't have any friends herself so doesn't have an upper hand from the off. The only potential friend will be the one who has already moved on and doesn't really want her anyway. Complete role reversals as such.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 09:32

Thelnebriati · 16/12/2022 23:18

Friend of mine thinks I should go ahead with the meeting and 'bury the hatchet'.
Your friend sounds like a flying monkey. Is she a parent and if so, is she in contact with the other parents?

Yes - or at the very least, someone who wants to ensure more drama that she can feed off, without a care how that affects DD.

Gooseysgirl · 17/12/2022 09:37

Delete and block. You and your DD do need these people in your life. No response is absolutely the best way forward here.

Gooseysgirl · 17/12/2022 09:37

*DON'T need not do

WhatNoRaisins · 17/12/2022 09:45

Put your child first, I'd block and have nothing to do with this.

Real life isn't some TV series with heartwarming redemption arcs. If this person does feel genuine remorse (unlikely, more likely they feel sorry for themself) then they will have to find their own way to work through it. It's not you or your child's responsibility.

Foodieasfuck · 17/12/2022 09:46

If your daughter is happier then leave things as they are

Nooky · 17/12/2022 09:48

Ignore everything , I would do anything to prevent my daughter reliving it. Summon all your anger for if she turns up on your doorstep
You owe her nothing

IDontWantToResignMyself · 17/12/2022 09:54

"No, my child moved away from your DD bullying her why would you think my child wants to see her after that?" Then block & delete.

VisaGeezer · 17/12/2022 11:31

itwasntmetho · 16/12/2022 22:07

Yes it is. Some people downplay bullying.

Show quote history

Please read my other posts.

I was saying that that poster was completely mininising bullying.

VisaGeezer · 17/12/2022 11:31

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 09:32

Yes - or at the very least, someone who wants to ensure more drama that she can feed off, without a care how that affects DD.

Show quote history

Yeah, I'd question her motives

VisaGeezer · 17/12/2022 11:36

Jennybeans401 · 16/12/2022 22:09

@VisaGeezer I've abbreviated this story but yes it was definitely bullying.

If I went into everything it would take too long, it was very bad. Sone physical, emotional and social bullying.

I think I'm going to have to ask MN to delete that post ..... I've evidently phrased it really poorly .... I was quoting the poster who claimed your dd had "fallen out with her friends and been excluded" and I was saying that that description/interpretation is not bullying; whereas in fact she was bullied.

(And that bullying is v common among teenage girls).

But everyone is taking it that I'm saying your dd wasn't bullied. I was saying the opposite; that that poster's description is BS.

billy1966 · 17/12/2022 11:45

Nooky · 17/12/2022 09:48

Ignore everything , I would do anything to prevent my daughter reliving it. Summon all your anger for if she turns up on your doorstep
You owe her nothing

Agree.

Ignore any so called friend who encourages you to engage.

No one with an ounce of sense would have anything further to do with people that caused a child to move school.

You should be utterly brutal if she comes near you or your home.

LizzieW1969 · 17/12/2022 12:24

VisaGeezer · 17/12/2022 11:36

I think I'm going to have to ask MN to delete that post ..... I've evidently phrased it really poorly .... I was quoting the poster who claimed your dd had "fallen out with her friends and been excluded" and I was saying that that description/interpretation is not bullying; whereas in fact she was bullied.

(And that bullying is v common among teenage girls).

But everyone is taking it that I'm saying your dd wasn't bullied. I was saying the opposite; that that poster's description is BS.

Show quote history

Your meaning was clear to me, probably because I’m late to the thread and read it right through.

I agree with you; that type of bullying is very common with girls, which is why it often gets minimised as no more than friends falling out.

FWIW, OP, I agree with PPs that you’re right to give no response to this mum, she sounds pushy and not the sort to take a straightforward no for an answer. And you’re definitely right not to encourage your DD to meet up with her former bully, who you got her away from by moving her to a new school.

Soothsayer1 · 17/12/2022 12:39

JoyBeorge · 17/12/2022 09:16

I wouldn't worry too much about that at this stage because the dynamic will already be different at the new school and even if the bully was moved there, she won't have any friends herself so doesn't have an upper hand from the off. The only potential friend will be the one who has already moved on and doesn't really want her anyway. Complete role reversals as such.

Show quote history

Yes the strategy of the bully mother is to try and draw you into her web where she has dominion and things will be on her terms because you are on the back foot
That is why you should refuse to engage

InSummertime · 17/12/2022 12:53

Thelnebriati · 16/12/2022 23:18

Friend of mine thinks I should go ahead with the meeting and 'bury the hatchet'.
Your friend sounds like a flying monkey. Is she a parent and if so, is she in contact with the other parents?

This.

I was bullied by someone’s ex wife when I briefly dated her ex husband (5 years divorced and she was engaged and living with new boyfriend). She sent me messages over SM and then would put on post talking about me eg ‘Just found out the local whore is back on my route’ - police did nothing as she did not identify me by name.

she sent messages through other people and they went from nice messages since I dumped her ex etc I never replied but even last year I had a message from our one mutual friend and she was passing on this message ‘Hi tell in the summertime that we wish her the best etc’ all her innocent - I ended up defriending everyone mutual.

I would speak to the HT in confidence and explain that you have blocked them all.

do not respond and block them all

hookiewookie29 · 17/12/2022 12:59

No no no no no!
My daughter was bullied. There's no way on this earth I would encourage a meeting between her and any of the girls who bullied her. I'd tell the mother ti fuck off then block her

Tomnooktoldmeto · 17/12/2022 13:09

We have been where you are and are many years further down the line

please don’t respond and block, this is only for her daughter’s benefit not yours and could undo all the good you’ve achieved for your DD

Be aware that this could reappear in a different way when they transition to secondary education and social groups expand and overlap again, bullies always seem to manage to spin and manipulate the truth in later years

Its taken a long time for our DD to process what happened, unfortunately for her bully she’s a writer now and has written about her experiences which is being picked up by anti bullying groups for publication