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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is he a keeper?

255 replies

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:12

I have trust issues with my BF of 8 months.

He hasnt done anything to make me distrust him - I just think, from what he has told me, he acts up with his friends and he is with them this weekend for a weekend bender. He sees his friends probably every 6 months.

He has told the odd fib or two when quizzed about stuff that happened way before he met me. I like to know the background of someone, what their values are, I think past can tell alot about present.

Anyway, he drove 9 hours last night to the hotel he is staying at. He had to stop a few times to charge his car. During which he wanted to call and phoned a few times. I didnt answer. I've told him I dont trust him and I think we should break up because its not fair on both of us.

He has pleaded with me not to end the relationship, said I am the one and doesnt undertand why we would break up if we love each other. He has said I am overthinking things and creating fake senarios and I am pushing him away. He texted the whole time using voice control text to sort out the situation.

I said I didnt want us to be together but I do worry and would like to know when he has arrived safely - he then sent me a live location pin so I could see that.

I then said I was going to bed (as it was nearly 1am), he told me he would arrive around 230/3am (he left late as we argued). He said he wanted to charge his car when he arrived so it was done for when he drives back Sunday.

Much later he texted saying he had arrived at 2am. Then he said he was going to charge his car and then he said he was back at 4am(ish). Why did he do this? Was he visiting the strip club which his hotel is around the corner from?

This morning he has texted me saying good morning, how am I etc., then he said that he hopes I get to work okay with all this bad snow, and now he has texted asking if I am okay.

I havent texted him back since asking him to let me know he arrived safe.

But with this asttentive texts, while he is with friends,. am I being horrible?!

Did he go to a stripclub last night?

I dont know if I am ruining this and pushing away a man, I do consider to be the one.

Help

OP posts:
harrassedmumto3 · 17/12/2022 09:07

Wow, this is nuts.

Lex345 · 17/12/2022 09:24

Wtf did I just read?

You have no right to treat someone like this because of your issues OP.

Peoniesandcream · 17/12/2022 09:33

He needs to run. You sound mentally unwell and unstable.

Couldyounot · 17/12/2022 09:34

If I were him I'd block your number, OP. You said yourself that you googled his hotel and strip clubs in the area. That is not appropriate behaviour. At the end of our street there is a small block of flats, one of which is occupied by a chap who deals weed. By your logic, we moved here so we could buy weed.

Lex345 · 17/12/2022 09:44

There will be another follow up thread on this...I can see it already

Pondere · 17/12/2022 09:45

Lex345 · 17/12/2022 09:44

There will be another follow up thread on this...I can see it already

I strongly suspect the story will be very different too!

PaterPower · 17/12/2022 09:47

I’m reminded of the tree in the woods question:

If a man stays five minutes walk away from a brothel, but nobody’s there to see if he goes in…”

or something

Sunshine275 · 17/12/2022 12:24

You’re going to lose him if you carry on like this. He hasn’t done anything to make you question him. The odd fib about his past is probably because he sees it as irrelevant. My husband did the same, I didn’t like it but the longer we were together the more I understood my husband very much doesn’t like living in the past and to avoid pointless conversations sometimes a quick fib was easier for him. He’s learnt after a few years those fibs weren’t worth it because when I found out they cause more harm than good. The past is exactly that. I’m married, do I know every girlfriend/person he’s slept with no, does he know my info, no.
The issues lay with you and it needs to end now, obsessing over a strip club just because ones near by is over the top.

Sophie89j · 17/12/2022 12:42

So let me get this straight,

you’ve been together 8 months?

he’s never given you any reason what so ever not to trust him?

you are obsessed with the idea of him going to a strip club just because you’ve googled where he’s staying and there’s one nearby?

he’s been out with mates one time since being with you with this weekend being the second in 8 months?

he’s been constantly texting, phoning etc to keep in touch?

and you’ve broken up with him for no reason?

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 12:44

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:40

I googled his hotel and stripclubs in area
Its a 5 min walk around the corner

Show quote history

You need to get some therapy. I’m not saying this to be nasty, it’s just the truth. Someone has hurt you in the past and you’re not healed from it. Googling strip clubs near the hotel isn’t healthy or normal behaviour at all. I hate to tell you this, but there are websites and apps where you can search a certain area and find no strings hook ups and escorts within a 5 mile radius of wherever you are in the country. If he wants to do that he can, wherever he is. You sound really paranoid and I think you need therapy to work on your personal issues. No judgement here either I’m currently in therapy myself for something unrelated to your situation, but still it’s about working on me and making me a better person, a stronger and self confident person, a person who doesn’t need to rely on anyone else for their happiness. Speak to your GP about what therapy is available for you. Explain this to your bf and he will either run a mile or wait for you. Either way you get to see if he’s a keeper or not. Ignore the vile vipers in this basket, some of the women on here are rank and don’t know how to be kind or understanding. It’s people like this that are one of the reason I’m in therapy, they certainly don’t help, but some people can only feel good about themselves by tearing others down to their level. I wish you all the best.

hot2trotter · 17/12/2022 12:49

He's a keeper. You, however, aren't.

Dello · 17/12/2022 13:04

You have essentially broken up with him as he wanted to infrequently visit his friends.

If you make up when he is back, how will he feel in 6 months time? What if another friend mentions a trip away? It’s not fair to him.

You need to speak to a therapist, I think your behaviour can get better. He might be a keeper but at the moment you are not.

Teddysbackyard66 · 17/12/2022 13:08

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 12:44

You need to get some therapy. I’m not saying this to be nasty, it’s just the truth. Someone has hurt you in the past and you’re not healed from it. Googling strip clubs near the hotel isn’t healthy or normal behaviour at all. I hate to tell you this, but there are websites and apps where you can search a certain area and find no strings hook ups and escorts within a 5 mile radius of wherever you are in the country. If he wants to do that he can, wherever he is. You sound really paranoid and I think you need therapy to work on your personal issues. No judgement here either I’m currently in therapy myself for something unrelated to your situation, but still it’s about working on me and making me a better person, a stronger and self confident person, a person who doesn’t need to rely on anyone else for their happiness. Speak to your GP about what therapy is available for you. Explain this to your bf and he will either run a mile or wait for you. Either way you get to see if he’s a keeper or not. Ignore the vile vipers in this basket, some of the women on here are rank and don’t know how to be kind or understanding. It’s people like this that are one of the reason I’m in therapy, they certainly don’t help, but some people can only feel good about themselves by tearing others down to their level. I wish you all the best.

Show quote history

Verily, this is the best answer on this whole thread. The world needs more people like you!!

VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN · 17/12/2022 13:13

I’m in therapy because of a person like the OP. Abusive women are just as bad as abusive men, there doesn’t need to be a back story of hurt when someone’s this abusive and controlling. As the hurt and trauma they project onto their partners etc is a hell of a lot worse.

Mummaoftwo2016 · 17/12/2022 13:20

Sounds like you need to sort your own head out, let him enjoy his weekend. If you cant trust him but have no reason not to then you cant be overbearing. Its twice a year. Not exactly every other weekend and even if it was, he is allowed a life too. Go and see your dr. Sounds like you need some mh advice. And theres nothing wrong in that, but its not fair on him if you dont do something about your own issues

MistletoeandBaileys · 17/12/2022 15:18

You have issues that you need to deal with that have absolutely no baring in him. It’s not fair on him to do this to him.

My husband meets up with his friends every few months for a catch up. It’s normal. We have busy lives and work schedules. People live in different areas.

It’s also not fair to start an argument with him over your issues and then have him contacting you over text to try sort it while he’s driving. His whole focus should be on the road.

If he was my brother I would tell him to run a million miles away from you. The man should not feel guilty for seeing friends.

thewrongcolourcup · 17/12/2022 15:35

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:40

I googled his hotel and stripclubs in area
Its a 5 min walk around the corner

Show quote history

You need serious therapy and help. This is NOT normal and is controlling and coercive behaviour.
you are emotionally abusive.
leave the poor man to live his life without you.
if I knew him I’d tell him to block and move on, plus report to police he has an abusive ex.

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 16:59

Teddysbackyard66 · 17/12/2022 13:08

Verily, this is the best answer on this whole thread. The world needs more people like you!!

Show quote history

Tell me about it 😂 ❤️

thewayround · 17/12/2022 17:01

Someone has hurt you in the past and you’re not healed from it.

or she’s a jealous, controlling and fairly unpleasant person. There’s abusive women in relationships just as there are vice versa. And in this scenario, the Op is the abuser

thewayround · 17/12/2022 17:01

And sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason beyond they’re are profoundly unpleasant individuals

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 17:21

Because you know the op, you know her past, you know her relationship and you know that she’s abusive because you’ve witnessed it? Nope. Take a seat and zip it. 😉 The amount of self righteous women on here it’s actually a bit cringe 😂

ChristmasJingleBalls · 17/12/2022 17:24

So how does going out with his friends equate to acting like he’s being single?

LikeTearsInRain · 17/12/2022 17:26

Could he be having an affair with someone at the strip club?

BigBunkers · 17/12/2022 17:31

Are you the poster who got smashed and took drugs at his work party and got the ick because he didn’t look after you?!

Lovageandrose · 17/12/2022 17:33

BigBunkers · 17/12/2022 17:31

Are you the poster who got smashed and took drugs at his work party and got the ick because he didn’t look after you?!

I was thinking the same thing.