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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is he a keeper?

255 replies

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:12

I have trust issues with my BF of 8 months.

He hasnt done anything to make me distrust him - I just think, from what he has told me, he acts up with his friends and he is with them this weekend for a weekend bender. He sees his friends probably every 6 months.

He has told the odd fib or two when quizzed about stuff that happened way before he met me. I like to know the background of someone, what their values are, I think past can tell alot about present.

Anyway, he drove 9 hours last night to the hotel he is staying at. He had to stop a few times to charge his car. During which he wanted to call and phoned a few times. I didnt answer. I've told him I dont trust him and I think we should break up because its not fair on both of us.

He has pleaded with me not to end the relationship, said I am the one and doesnt undertand why we would break up if we love each other. He has said I am overthinking things and creating fake senarios and I am pushing him away. He texted the whole time using voice control text to sort out the situation.

I said I didnt want us to be together but I do worry and would like to know when he has arrived safely - he then sent me a live location pin so I could see that.

I then said I was going to bed (as it was nearly 1am), he told me he would arrive around 230/3am (he left late as we argued). He said he wanted to charge his car when he arrived so it was done for when he drives back Sunday.

Much later he texted saying he had arrived at 2am. Then he said he was going to charge his car and then he said he was back at 4am(ish). Why did he do this? Was he visiting the strip club which his hotel is around the corner from?

This morning he has texted me saying good morning, how am I etc., then he said that he hopes I get to work okay with all this bad snow, and now he has texted asking if I am okay.

I havent texted him back since asking him to let me know he arrived safe.

But with this asttentive texts, while he is with friends,. am I being horrible?!

Did he go to a stripclub last night?

I dont know if I am ruining this and pushing away a man, I do consider to be the one.

Help

OP posts:
Smallonesaremorejuicy · 20/12/2022 00:02

Poor guy , I wish him a very Happy Christmas 🎄

KettrickenSmiled · 20/12/2022 00:42

WhatisWrong1 · 19/12/2022 10:14

Update: we ended up texting all Friday - all day / night.
I told him repeatedly that I wanted us to split.
He called me up and got very tearful.
He said I am "the one" and he doesnt want me to end things for things he hasnt done. He said he will spend his life proving me wrong.
We have agreed that I will do cognitive therapy andm in his words, I'll"stop this nonsense, now".

Thank you all

Oh dear. You both sound so damaged OP.

You don't seem to know whether you want to be with him or not, so use contrived drama to push him away & abnegation your personal autonomy as a means of remaining with him when "he doesn't want" you to finish it, so that you can feel that's validation enough to start the whole predictable cycle again.

He tolerates astonishingly controlling levels of micromanaging intrusiveness from you, & allows you to pass of that control as 'insecurity' & 'worry about him' as if putting a different label on it makes it any easier for him to bear. (Or perhaps he actually likes it, because he's more of a headfucker than you've realised - more on this later). As if that isn't YOUR problem to address, not his to manage for you. He also seems to believe that refusing to hear your "I want to finish" is an acceptable way to manipulating you into staying with him. His "I will spend my life proving you wrong" is so many kinds of bad - for EACH of you - that I have to wonder how much he needs melodrama just to be able to believe this relationship is real. Or maybe just to function as a human - hard to tell, as you say so very little about who he is & what he's like, as if the word 'boyfriend' is all that he represents to you.

It;s like you're both caught up in some fantasy "passion" where you reckon having fallouts & wrangling over comms, tracking each other's movements & states of mind, & endless circular discussions of what the relationship is, & expectations of huge declarations & constant reassurance denotes romance. It's like you believe that the defining of your relationship is larger to both of you than who either of you actually are.

You don't seem like a couple who giggle much, or tease each other, or take genuine, relaxed, affirmative pleasure in each other's company. You're too busy navel gazing & obsessing over "the relationship" to see each other as people, so you've failed to notice how desperately unhappy you are making each other.

CBT won't fix this.
It won't teach you anything about the deep level causes of the overweaning lack of self-confidence that makes you feel panicky unless you can literally track his movements hour by hour.
It certainly won't give him carte blanche to tell you to "shut this nonsense down" ie silence you by telling you YOU are the only one with a problem, & now "we've agreed" he's sent you off for re-education (I hope you understand the sinister connotations of that word), therapy, & that you need to just stop having that problem because he says so.

You EACH need therapy Not CBT. And separately,
For starters, you need to understand what therapy even IS. It's not a tool to wield on other people to force them to conform to whatever behaviours you find more agreeable. It's not a way of shutting other people down by telling them all the relationship problems are their fault.
You need to meet a few therapists, ask them to educate you about basic principles, & above all - DO IT FOR YOU, NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
It is PRIVATE to you. It is not up for endless discussion, it's not entertainment or a fucking game.

I suspect that you may be as controlling as each other, & while yours presents as the classic type, his is better masked with a more subtle NiceGuyTM persona that hides how little he cares about - oh just small things Hmm ya know like you SPENDING ALL NIGHT TELLING HIM YOU WANT TO FINISH WITH HIM BUT NOT BEING ALLOWED TO.

You're not IN a relationship OP. You're trapped in an endless mindgame, & you need help. It's out there, its widely available, it just takes a lot of work & a fair bit of cash to get enough of it to make enough difference, but FFS please be good to yourself & make the investment.

Orangepolentacake · 21/12/2022 09:26

KettrickenSmiled · 20/12/2022 00:42

Oh dear. You both sound so damaged OP.

You don't seem to know whether you want to be with him or not, so use contrived drama to push him away & abnegation your personal autonomy as a means of remaining with him when "he doesn't want" you to finish it, so that you can feel that's validation enough to start the whole predictable cycle again.

He tolerates astonishingly controlling levels of micromanaging intrusiveness from you, & allows you to pass of that control as 'insecurity' & 'worry about him' as if putting a different label on it makes it any easier for him to bear. (Or perhaps he actually likes it, because he's more of a headfucker than you've realised - more on this later). As if that isn't YOUR problem to address, not his to manage for you. He also seems to believe that refusing to hear your "I want to finish" is an acceptable way to manipulating you into staying with him. His "I will spend my life proving you wrong" is so many kinds of bad - for EACH of you - that I have to wonder how much he needs melodrama just to be able to believe this relationship is real. Or maybe just to function as a human - hard to tell, as you say so very little about who he is & what he's like, as if the word 'boyfriend' is all that he represents to you.

It;s like you're both caught up in some fantasy "passion" where you reckon having fallouts & wrangling over comms, tracking each other's movements & states of mind, & endless circular discussions of what the relationship is, & expectations of huge declarations & constant reassurance denotes romance. It's like you believe that the defining of your relationship is larger to both of you than who either of you actually are.

You don't seem like a couple who giggle much, or tease each other, or take genuine, relaxed, affirmative pleasure in each other's company. You're too busy navel gazing & obsessing over "the relationship" to see each other as people, so you've failed to notice how desperately unhappy you are making each other.

CBT won't fix this.
It won't teach you anything about the deep level causes of the overweaning lack of self-confidence that makes you feel panicky unless you can literally track his movements hour by hour.
It certainly won't give him carte blanche to tell you to "shut this nonsense down" ie silence you by telling you YOU are the only one with a problem, & now "we've agreed" he's sent you off for re-education (I hope you understand the sinister connotations of that word), therapy, & that you need to just stop having that problem because he says so.

You EACH need therapy Not CBT. And separately,
For starters, you need to understand what therapy even IS. It's not a tool to wield on other people to force them to conform to whatever behaviours you find more agreeable. It's not a way of shutting other people down by telling them all the relationship problems are their fault.
You need to meet a few therapists, ask them to educate you about basic principles, & above all - DO IT FOR YOU, NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
It is PRIVATE to you. It is not up for endless discussion, it's not entertainment or a fucking game.

I suspect that you may be as controlling as each other, & while yours presents as the classic type, his is better masked with a more subtle NiceGuyTM persona that hides how little he cares about - oh just small things Hmm ya know like you SPENDING ALL NIGHT TELLING HIM YOU WANT TO FINISH WITH HIM BUT NOT BEING ALLOWED TO.

You're not IN a relationship OP. You're trapped in an endless mindgame, & you need help. It's out there, its widely available, it just takes a lot of work & a fair bit of cash to get enough of it to make enough difference, but FFS please be good to yourself & make the investment.

Show quote history

huge fan of your posts, @KettrickenSmiled . if only I’d read your work in my 20s!

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 16:48

huge fan of your posts, @KettrickenSmiled . if only I’d read your work in my 20s!

Aaaaw thank you @Orangepolentacake - only just seen this, but I wish I'd read this stuff in my 20's too!

Butchyrestingface · 05/01/2023 16:53

More red flags than the Pamplona bull run, both of you. You for your behaviour and him for tolerating it.

Buyer beware.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

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