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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he a keeper?

255 replies

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:12

I have trust issues with my BF of 8 months.

He hasnt done anything to make me distrust him - I just think, from what he has told me, he acts up with his friends and he is with them this weekend for a weekend bender. He sees his friends probably every 6 months.

He has told the odd fib or two when quizzed about stuff that happened way before he met me. I like to know the background of someone, what their values are, I think past can tell alot about present.

Anyway, he drove 9 hours last night to the hotel he is staying at. He had to stop a few times to charge his car. During which he wanted to call and phoned a few times. I didnt answer. I've told him I dont trust him and I think we should break up because its not fair on both of us.

He has pleaded with me not to end the relationship, said I am the one and doesnt undertand why we would break up if we love each other. He has said I am overthinking things and creating fake senarios and I am pushing him away. He texted the whole time using voice control text to sort out the situation.

I said I didnt want us to be together but I do worry and would like to know when he has arrived safely - he then sent me a live location pin so I could see that.

I then said I was going to bed (as it was nearly 1am), he told me he would arrive around 230/3am (he left late as we argued). He said he wanted to charge his car when he arrived so it was done for when he drives back Sunday.

Much later he texted saying he had arrived at 2am. Then he said he was going to charge his car and then he said he was back at 4am(ish). Why did he do this? Was he visiting the strip club which his hotel is around the corner from?

This morning he has texted me saying good morning, how am I etc., then he said that he hopes I get to work okay with all this bad snow, and now he has texted asking if I am okay.

I havent texted him back since asking him to let me know he arrived safe.

But with this asttentive texts, while he is with friends,. am I being horrible?!

Did he go to a stripclub last night?

I dont know if I am ruining this and pushing away a man, I do consider to be the one.

Help

OP posts:
Pondere · 17/12/2022 18:21

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 17:21

Because you know the op, you know her past, you know her relationship and you know that she’s abusive because you’ve witnessed it? Nope. Take a seat and zip it. 😉 The amount of self righteous women on here it’s actually a bit cringe 😂

No but let’s be realistic, if it was the other way round, everyone would be screaming it’s abuse and no one would be making excuses for him. So just because it’s a woman who is the perpetrator, doesn’t mean it’s any less controlling and we have to find reasons to justify the behaviour.

thewayround · 17/12/2022 19:26

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 17:21

Because you know the op, you know her past, you know her relationship and you know that she’s abusive because you’ve witnessed it? Nope. Take a seat and zip it. 😉 The amount of self righteous women on here it’s actually a bit cringe 😂

What I do know from this very OP

is that she has been making this poor chap’s life particularly unpleasant with her groundless haranguing, and that’s with him not even knowing the lengths of research she has gone to to try and catch him out

thewayround · 17/12/2022 19:27

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 17:21

Because you know the op, you know her past, you know her relationship and you know that she’s abusive because you’ve witnessed it? Nope. Take a seat and zip it. 😉 The amount of self righteous women on here it’s actually a bit cringe 😂

Take a seat and zip it.

last said by a 6 year old to a classmate 😂

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 19:31

I’m really sorry you’re so delicate and easily offended 😂 best of luck

Rustyhandlebars · 17/12/2022 23:55

Can you find a nice hobby or maybe buy a kitten to busy yourself with?

thewayround · 18/12/2022 07:11

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 17/12/2022 19:31

I’m really sorry you’re so delicate and easily offended 😂 best of luck

Oh we chuckled when my 6 year old nephew said it. And I chuckled when you told us all to zip it for thinking the OP comes across as a bunny boiler

Mamma2017 · 18/12/2022 08:34

OP I was you in my twenties. It was awful and so miserable. You have an anxious attachment style. I still have a vague general mistrust of men (it’s hard not to when you’ve experienced a lot of betrayal) that I try to keep in check (I’ll trust them now after Iv seen they can be trusted-because there are men that actually can be trusted!) but not to this extreme extent anymore you describe-this is Illness- it’s making you feel crazy and behave extremely unfairly and unhealthy. But your poor bf has done nothing to deserve this treatment. You’re hurting him badly. Whoever has hurt you in the past or maybe as in anxious attachment it’s come from your relationship with your parents either way please please get yourself some therapy to address this. I did and it’s helped me massively. You really need to do this. A lot of cackling women on this thread who clearly don’t understand ignore that but please hear the advice on looking at yourself and why you feel the way you do. 💐

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 18/12/2022 10:24

I’m glad your simple mind is so easily amused. Little tiny things amuse little tiny minds 😉

thewayround · 18/12/2022 11:55

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 18/12/2022 10:24

I’m glad your simple mind is so easily amused. Little tiny things amuse little tiny minds 😉

Indeed!

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 18/12/2022 20:42

Awesome comeback, did it really only take you an hour to come up with that quick witted and original response? Well done you 👏

Sickofcoughing · 18/12/2022 20:47

You should be ashamed of yourself. You are purposely sabotaging his weekend away with his friends.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 21:36

Verilyshallhebellowfourth · 18/12/2022 20:42

Awesome comeback, did it really only take you an hour to come up with that quick witted and original response? Well done you 👏

😂Quoth the PP who posted the AMAZINGLY original cliche "Little tiny things amuse little tiny minds" ... 😂

I've got no skin in your game, but the irony is amusing.

Jedsnewstar · 18/12/2022 22:01

You sound exhausting

GirloutofAfrica · 18/12/2022 22:10

Sorry OP but your post sounds a little nuts 🙆

Goodgrief82 · 19/12/2022 07:54

KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 21:36

😂Quoth the PP who posted the AMAZINGLY original cliche "Little tiny things amuse little tiny minds" ... 😂

I've got no skin in your game, but the irony is amusing.

Show quote history

the PP’s stance obviously is one she sympathises with probably due to her own issues whereas the rest of us…. Well we pity this poor guy!

Original poster
WhatisWrong1 · 19/12/2022 10:14

Update: we ended up texting all Friday - all day / night.
I told him repeatedly that I wanted us to split.
He called me up and got very tearful.
He said I am "the one" and he doesnt want me to end things for things he hasnt done. He said he will spend his life proving me wrong.
We have agreed that I will do cognitive therapy andm in his words, I'll"stop this nonsense, now".

Thank you all

OP posts:
dontputitthere · 19/12/2022 10:52

WhatisWrong1 · 19/12/2022 10:14

Update: we ended up texting all Friday - all day / night.
I told him repeatedly that I wanted us to split.
He called me up and got very tearful.
He said I am "the one" and he doesnt want me to end things for things he hasnt done. He said he will spend his life proving me wrong.
We have agreed that I will do cognitive therapy andm in his words, I'll"stop this nonsense, now".

Thank you all

Oh well that sounds healthy then...

Flapjackquack · 19/12/2022 10:53

dontputitthere · 19/12/2022 10:52

Oh well that sounds healthy then...

Show quote history

My thoughts exactly. The only saving grace is there are no children in the middle of this insanity.

Goodgrief82 · 19/12/2022 11:24

WhatisWrong1 · 19/12/2022 10:14

Update: we ended up texting all Friday - all day / night.
I told him repeatedly that I wanted us to split.
He called me up and got very tearful.
He said I am "the one" and he doesnt want me to end things for things he hasnt done. He said he will spend his life proving me wrong.
We have agreed that I will do cognitive therapy andm in his words, I'll"stop this nonsense, now".

Thank you all

What’s your life like beyond him?

work? Friends? Social life?

what a way to live… spending all day back and forth texting someone involving tears and breakup and all for a relationship of a few months.

Goodgrief82 · 19/12/2022 11:27

Flapjackquack · 19/12/2022 10:53

My thoughts exactly. The only saving grace is there are no children in the middle of this insanity.

Show quote history

And long may that last

Pondere · 19/12/2022 11:49

Honestly, I don’t think you’re ready to be in a relationship. You should have stayed split up.

I wonder if you’re someone who seeks drama tbh.

CPL593H · 19/12/2022 12:15

Sounds like more manipulative game playing to me, insisting that you want to finish it until he begs and pleads then suddenly you don't. I hope that the therapy works out because this is not a healthy way to conduct a relationship.

FlissyPaps · 19/12/2022 16:49

OP, you sound incredibly head strong. So why on earth would you allow someone, that you clearly do not want to be with, manipulate you like this?

Cognitive therapy will not make you love him. Or like him for that matter.

I think it’s an incredibly selfish use of resources where someone will be better off with that type of therapy. Not some childish situation like yours.

If you don’t want to be with him, tell him straight, block him and then contact the police if he begins to harass you.

This is not normal OP. Nothing about this is normal or acceptable.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/12/2022 21:52

Oh dear, this is all kinds of wrong, for both of you.

Yarboosucks · 19/12/2022 23:55

I don't believe that last update.

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