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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he a keeper?

255 replies

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:12

I have trust issues with my BF of 8 months.

He hasnt done anything to make me distrust him - I just think, from what he has told me, he acts up with his friends and he is with them this weekend for a weekend bender. He sees his friends probably every 6 months.

He has told the odd fib or two when quizzed about stuff that happened way before he met me. I like to know the background of someone, what their values are, I think past can tell alot about present.

Anyway, he drove 9 hours last night to the hotel he is staying at. He had to stop a few times to charge his car. During which he wanted to call and phoned a few times. I didnt answer. I've told him I dont trust him and I think we should break up because its not fair on both of us.

He has pleaded with me not to end the relationship, said I am the one and doesnt undertand why we would break up if we love each other. He has said I am overthinking things and creating fake senarios and I am pushing him away. He texted the whole time using voice control text to sort out the situation.

I said I didnt want us to be together but I do worry and would like to know when he has arrived safely - he then sent me a live location pin so I could see that.

I then said I was going to bed (as it was nearly 1am), he told me he would arrive around 230/3am (he left late as we argued). He said he wanted to charge his car when he arrived so it was done for when he drives back Sunday.

Much later he texted saying he had arrived at 2am. Then he said he was going to charge his car and then he said he was back at 4am(ish). Why did he do this? Was he visiting the strip club which his hotel is around the corner from?

This morning he has texted me saying good morning, how am I etc., then he said that he hopes I get to work okay with all this bad snow, and now he has texted asking if I am okay.

I havent texted him back since asking him to let me know he arrived safe.

But with this asttentive texts, while he is with friends,. am I being horrible?!

Did he go to a stripclub last night?

I dont know if I am ruining this and pushing away a man, I do consider to be the one.

Help

OP posts:
Bobbins36 · 16/12/2022 13:27

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:24

I told him I wanted to break up because I dont trust him
he said he wants to prove that I can trust him but it will take time
I feel mean not texting him now but we did break up :(
What do i do

Are you 15? This mince belongs in the playground. Leave the poor guy alone.

Badgirlriri · 16/12/2022 13:27

SHNBV · 16/12/2022 13:20

It definitely sounds like you have trust issues that you need to sort out, possibly by therapy.

My husband travels a lot for work so we have a family account for Life 360. It’s a tracking app. It that lets me know when he leaves work and roughly how far away he is so it makes planning meal times and our evenings easier. Your partner could possible put something like that on his phone whilst you work on your trust issues as you could clearly see where he’s been and at what times. However if my partner distrusted me to such a degree that they needed electronic proof of where I’d been I’d think it was time to pause the relationship whilst they sorted out their MH.

He shouldn’t have to be stalked by OP! He’s done nothing wrong. OP is insecure and has created a false narrative in her head.
He needs to end things with her OP.

shieldmaiden7 · 16/12/2022 13:28

You broke up with him because he visited friends and family and you didn't like it. That's extremely controlling. He needs to run a mile

Snoopystick · 16/12/2022 13:29

Honestly, take a step back and read what you have written. If this was a man doing this to a woman you’d say that they are controlling. You are emotionally blackmailing him.

Original poster
WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:29

But I broke up with him
What more can I do
I dont want to staty with someone and feel this way

OP posts:
thewayround · 16/12/2022 13:31

Please tell me no children are involved in this “relationship”

rainbowandglitter · 16/12/2022 13:31

What the hell are you doing? Is this a reverse?

Original poster
WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:31

No it isnt a reverse!!

I am looking for advice

OP posts:
thewayround · 16/12/2022 13:32

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:29

But I broke up with him
What more can I do
I dont want to staty with someone and feel this way

So what’s purpose of your thread then? 😐

thewayround · 16/12/2022 13:32

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:31

No it isnt a reverse!!

I am looking for advice

For what?!

Original poster
WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:33

I dont know if I have made a mistake ending things
I dont know what to do

OP posts:
RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 13:33

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:29

But I broke up with him
What more can I do
I dont want to staty with someone and feel this way

What have you done to work on this issue? You shouldn't have got into the relationship in the first place. Getting into a relationship with issues like yours is like getting into a car when you're drunk - someone is going to get hurt and it will be your fault. Breaking up with him is like saying "but I got out of the car after the crash, what more can I do?". You shouldn't have been driving in the first place and get help for your drinking - you shouldn't have been in the relationship in the first place and get help for your trust issues.

Breaking up with him at this point seems like an attempt to control him rather than an attempt to rectify your previous poor decisions.

Original poster
WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:33

He has just messaged again asking if we really ended last night as he is heartbroken

OP posts:
thewayround · 16/12/2022 13:33

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:33

I dont know if I have made a mistake ending things
I dont know what to do

Do you have children Op? Does he?

Original poster
WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:33

No children

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:34

honestly tell me
what would you do
my friends tell me I am being creepy

OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 16/12/2022 13:34

Hopefully he is with good friends and they will be explaining that he has dodged a bullet and will help him to celebrate his freedom.

Anewhoo · 16/12/2022 13:35

Finish with him and block him. Poor guy does not need this car crash in his life.

rainbowandglitter · 16/12/2022 13:35

You are creepy and controlling. Leave him alone. You're not very nice

JorisBonson · 16/12/2022 13:35

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:34

honestly tell me
what would you do
my friends tell me I am being creepy

Your friends are correct.

RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 13:36

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:34

honestly tell me
what would you do
my friends tell me I am being creepy

Show him this thread. Show him all the people saying he needs to be away from you and that you need help. Get him to show this thread to his friends so they can support him. Then apologise, block him on everything, leave him alone and get help for your issues.

spookymarmite · 16/12/2022 13:36

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:31

No it isnt a reverse!!

I am looking for advice

The advice on all of your threads is that you have serious issues around irrational paranoia, and that you should seek long term therapy.

And leave this poor man alone.

Original poster
WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:37

I DONT have lots of threads

OP posts:
Taylorsversion · 16/12/2022 13:37

You posted about this yesterday under a different user name, and got the same responses. You do not want advice, you want a pity supply from other people so you can justify your continuing unreasonable behaviour. Most people on here can see through you, and I really hope this man does soon.

JauntyJinty · 16/12/2022 13:37

Badgirlriri · 16/12/2022 13:27

He shouldn’t have to be stalked by OP! He’s done nothing wrong. OP is insecure and has created a false narrative in her head.
He needs to end things with her OP.

Show quote history

Just to add to this - and Im in way disagreeing with badgirlriri - but with OPs level of paranoia I don't think it will help anyway

As soon as he doesn't reply to a text for 15 minutes she'll jump straight to "He's left his phone in the hotel to visit a brothel"