To feel irrational jealousy about a woman who my DP has never even met (but is meeting today)

[lucyellensmum]

In answer to my question i shall save you the bother of having to decide. Of course im being bloody unreasonable. So why is it i feel sick to my stomach.

DP is often praising up his mates wives for their achievements (so i know he is impressed by succseful women). I used to be an achiever and i used to be (imo) fairly good looking. That was a LONG TIME ago. Now i'm just fat and frumpy, bad skin, bags under my eyes, greasy lank hair (have anxiety about going to hair dressers so please don't tell me to pamper myself and get it cut!). I'm moody, irritable and basically a non achiever epimomised. I do his accounts for him, but basically that entails putting his receipts in a pile and giving them to the accountant. She SHE then sends them back all sorted with claims back on earnings that i coudlnt even imagine (that is a good thing).

So today, DP has a meeting with a woman who has her own property developing business in London. I've never even met or spoken to the woman, but i have a mental image of a Sarah Beany type, succsesful, but down to earth, smart but casual (tight jeans!) and an air of confidence about her, so basically - fucking sex on legs.

I trust my DP implicitly, i have no reason to question his faithfulness. I have always been 100% sure of him. But now he may develop a business relationship with this woman ( i know how this works, ive had flirty relationships with guys when i had a life worked). I just have a picture of him falling in love with her. And really, i can't blame him. What he has at home doesnt make him happy. Slops around in jeans or slacks bought from second hand shops, never wears make up, doesn't own any sexy underwear because it would just look ridiculous. Moans and whinges and is basically too knackered to talk after putting DD to bed, let alone anything constructive. Which would you choose?? Were you a man that is?

This meeting is really important, and could make a hugely positive effect on our business, but it is eating me up inside. I know im being ridiculous and hate myself for it, but in one way, its perfectly logical, isnt it.

ooh that wasn't yes to your dp is a minger by the way , sure he isn't but it's completely paranoid behaviour to imagine that every single woman will fancy him - if I was single I wouldn't go for a married man with kids, would you?

Lucy... you really need to sit back and think very hard. I so much don't want to sound hard on you, but if your general demeanour to your husband is that you are worth nothing, if you are not careful he is going to start believing that.

Get rid of those negative feelings. When I read that you have a PHD, I was gobsmacked. That achievement does not go with your OP. Write down your achievements... a PHD, a beautiful DD who you admit you are a brilliant mother to, a husband who you support in business and who loves you. There... that's three things for starters - I don't have all of those and I am envious of you.

OK... don't go to the hairdressers but wash your hair more if it is greasy, get one of those wash in/wash out colours and try it out. Start wearing a little make up, even if its only blusher and lippy.

I have no idea how old your DD is, but every day that the sun is shining, go for a brisk walk, with or without your DD. I promise you will feel better for it. Take pleasure in small things. Buy a newspaper, sit in the sun and read it. Light a candle whilst you are having a luxurious bubble bath and start to pamper yourself and realise YOU ARE WORTH IT. Ask your DH if you can help him more in his business - with a PHD you are quite capable.

I honestly think you have lost sight of yourself but it will not be so hard to recapture that. You are intelligent, a brilliant mother and wife and you deserve a lot of good things.

When, and only when, you feel a tiny bit better about yourself, then arrange to go out with your DH. Make a promise to yourself that you will not whinge or moan whilst out with him. He will then see the woman he married is still there.

You can do it... go for it.

Hey LEM, why do you think sexy underwear would make you look ridiculous? And anyway, it doesn't have to be french kncikers & itchy frilly bras, often women look sexy in what they feel comfortable in

I understand your insecurities as often I feel the same (re: a stupid accountant at dh's work) She's really quite rude in her e-mails to dh (he shows me them)

Anyway, I think you need a huge confidence boost....any ideas girls?

Your dp loves you. Not some woman he will spend an hour or so with today... YOU

Make an effort tonight, have a nice bath, put on some make up & some clothes that make you feel sexy... then cook a lovely meal for both of you Open a bottle of wine... you don't have to go out to make time spent together special

The phobia about the hair dressers is a weird thing. firstly, i am NEVER happy with the results, EVER. Secondly, i cant bear looking in the mirror for that long (even when i was confident i found those mirrors a nightmare, they bring out every blemish). I actually had a huge row with DP last valentines day because he booked a hair dressing appointment in an expensive salon - i just COULDNT go, It must have felt like i had kicked him in the teeth. Actually it was the year before last, didnt even get a card last year, not expecting one this year, i dont think he will do that again! I also (and im mortified to admit this), pick at my scalp and make it bleed, especially when im anxious - that way i CAN'T go, beause they wont want to cut my hair I hate doing it, it really hurts, but it just seems to be a habit i can't break. I did go to the hair dressers once in the last year, i felt as if the girls were taking the piss - DP came with me, and he actually said he felt the same so it wasnt insane paranoia (although i think it was more to do with the unprofessional set up and young stripey haired teenage hairdressers).

hmmm, ive just read that back - i'll make an appointment (with the doctors, not the HD) on Monday.

I strangely feel better now though. I wasnt fishing for compliments but your comments have made me feel better about myself, thankyou for that

LEM stop it, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!(yes i am shouting ) u describe yourself as slumming round the house in old jeans no makeup etc, SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT do your hair nice, put on some makeup, get DD in bed early tonight and get some wine/food in and have a 'date' with DH, nobody can help you but yourself, and if you carry on being like this(having such a low self esteem) that is what will push DH away, NOT how u look, he obviously loves you and i bet he would love to see you with a sparkle in your eye i do understand its difficult because i NEVER EVER feel good about myself, but u have to try.

Good advice from helliebean there.
Plus try to eat better - don't diet as such as they usually fail but eat 3 healthy low GI/GL meals a day and no snacks. The walks outside and a diet without refined sugar and white flour will also make you fee less depressed.

Also I think it was said there is no such thing as an ugly woman, just a lazy one, so make the effort and you can probably look as good as the other woman and may be go back to full time work too rather than not using your skills.

Seriously, get a mobile hairdresser.

#]They are generally MUCH better with people than the ice maidens in salons because they actually have to make the effort, and by the very nature of thier business, a lot of their clients will be elderly so they are better at building up a rapport with their clients. This menas is easier to tell them what you want/don;t want and. because you are at home, you feel more comfortable.

I get my hair cut in the kitchen at home, so therefore no mirrors to stare into.

I agree re: mobile hairdresser

My mum has one & she does my sister's hair too. She is very nice & always listens to what you want, plus she comes to the house so you won't even have to have a babysitter

I don't consider myself to be ugly actually. Just not as attractive as i used to be. I do feel that i am lazy yes, but i am trying to make improvements. Its just when i think of DP spending time with women that i would like to be like, it hurts.

((hugs))

Darling, you don't even know what she is like... therefore why do you want to be like her?

You are you.

You are who your dp fell in love with.

You are the one he has a child with.

You are the one he is coming home to later......... have you started pampering yourself yet?

"spending time with women that i would like to be like, it hurts"

I am going to challenge you on that LEM

a) you have never met this lady have you? So you actually have no idea whether you would like to be like her or not. In fact you are basing this emotion on what you yourself say is purely a 'mental image', one which you have conjured up all by yourself.

b) you are making yourself hurt by thinking and deciding on a scenario with absolutely no facts to back it up; you're writing the scenario out yourself

I bet you she doesn't have a PHD.......I know a property developer (female) and I promise you you would not like to be her at all. I guarantee you you are better looking and far more empathetic xx

The accountant is a lesbian.

You will go and see your gp.

You will post a thread asking for a good mobile hairdresser recommendations in your area.

don't know if it helps but i think this sort of happens to most of us after kids - we have a eureka moment when we think - right time for me now/time to get sexy again

i had one when i was walking to school in the rain wearing a big duvet coat and a woman my age sashayed past in high heel boots, nice coat - perfectly warm and dry yet not looking like a bag lady

i bought a new coat that week!!

also getting on the train to go back to work - i thought - crikey - ive had these trousers three years and they are grey not black -

ok not a big deal but you've had a little kick so its time to listen to what you are thinking! (im sure he will behave by the way - who has the energy?!)

Lucyellensmum I feel just reading this. Please go to your drs, get your meds checked and also think about finding an empathic hairdresser to sort out your physical imperfections (I'm sure that they're nothning of the sort). Perhaps yo need something more mentally stimulating to do instead of counting receipts? If you're at home all day with a lo and picture other women working and looking perfect then you are going to feel ground down to a certain extent.

A babysitter and some quality time with your dp wouldn't go amiss either. i bet your dp wouldnt' swop you for the world.

He's home now. I can tell he wants to rave on about the meeting but is holding back for my sake. Why is it, that he comes back knowing things like where she was born? and commenting on her hat??

Because men are insensitive like that LEM He probably didn't know it would hurt your feelings. Would you feel comfortable with a mobile hairdresser? I think you should treat yourself to a brand new outfit and undies (you WILL look good in them, trust me)...really cheap in asda, new look etc and then the next time he is out for the day get the hairdresser round first thing, put some makeup on and put your new clothes on ready for his return and i'm sure it will give you the boost you need and your DP will be thrilled.

It was probably conversation L.E.M, nothing more. I know when my bosses birthday is, roughly where he lives and the ages of his children plus his out of work activities (and that of his wife). I wouldn't read too much into it.

Was the hat comment complimentary or derogatory?

Get in there first then, defence is the first form of attack

Ask him all the questions you want to know! I always do I ask everything, don't wait to be told

It's probably all innocent!!

And he may know where she was born because of her accent or they discovered they knew the same places???

What age are you & dh?

LEM, DP works with a girl called Cat, I know she has had 2 csections, she lives with her fella but they have seperate social lives, I even know she has had a kidney donation years ago, she is just a person, that he works with, and they talk, try not to think about it too much.
If you were int he same room as a man for a few hours and working whose to say what would have come up in conversation.
(He might even know how badly you want that toaster after an hour or so )

Oh and FF is right, when I know DP wants to talk about something, especially if its one of the girsl in the office, I can tell he doesnt want to upset me, so I ask him, I mention them by name and I've never even met them.

FF i am 37 and he is 44!!!!! I am being immature aren't i!!!

Actually lady, i went off the toaster for some reason. DP bought a middle range one, well quite cheap and it is just fine. I am still hankering after some decent saucepans though - i nearly bought some over xmas but i want stainless steel saucepans with plastic handles that wont drop off and i dont want non stick because there is no way im not putting them in the DW. Life just throws one complicaton after another doesnt it.

My arse is kicked. DP has gone off to the chippy, and i plan on putting DD to bed early tonight

Ah saucepans, a girl after my own heart

dittany, he cant praise mine lately, i don;t have any. He doesnt realise he is doing it, he is just a nice guy who sees the good in people i guess.

But what to do? i can't find ones that fit my very precise requirements. I wouldnt mind, but i cant cook