To feel irrational jealousy about a woman who my DP has never even met (but is meeting today)

[lucyellensmum]

In answer to my question i shall save you the bother of having to decide. Of course im being bloody unreasonable. So why is it i feel sick to my stomach.

DP is often praising up his mates wives for their achievements (so i know he is impressed by succseful women). I used to be an achiever and i used to be (imo) fairly good looking. That was a LONG TIME ago. Now i'm just fat and frumpy, bad skin, bags under my eyes, greasy lank hair (have anxiety about going to hair dressers so please don't tell me to pamper myself and get it cut!). I'm moody, irritable and basically a non achiever epimomised. I do his accounts for him, but basically that entails putting his receipts in a pile and giving them to the accountant. She SHE then sends them back all sorted with claims back on earnings that i coudlnt even imagine (that is a good thing).

So today, DP has a meeting with a woman who has her own property developing business in London. I've never even met or spoken to the woman, but i have a mental image of a Sarah Beany type, succsesful, but down to earth, smart but casual (tight jeans!) and an air of confidence about her, so basically - fucking sex on legs.

I trust my DP implicitly, i have no reason to question his faithfulness. I have always been 100% sure of him. But now he may develop a business relationship with this woman ( i know how this works, ive had flirty relationships with guys when i had a life worked). I just have a picture of him falling in love with her. And really, i can't blame him. What he has at home doesnt make him happy. Slops around in jeans or slacks bought from second hand shops, never wears make up, doesn't own any sexy underwear because it would just look ridiculous. Moans and whinges and is basically too knackered to talk after putting DD to bed, let alone anything constructive. Which would you choose?? Were you a man that is?

This meeting is really important, and could make a hugely positive effect on our business, but it is eating me up inside. I know im being ridiculous and hate myself for it, but in one way, its perfectly logical, isnt it.

My friend's husband quite often tells me I am looking nice, he always praises me for going back to uni at 27, often rings me to get me to spell things for him... he sees me as a friend to him as well as his wife!

I feel bad now incase my friend has felt hurt by any of his comments.

He would never in a million years hurt her, or compliment me to offend her on purpose, so a huge part of me thinks that your dh is probably just passing comments, in no way meant to hurt/offned you.

Aw just read your post.

You're not being immature! I am 30 & would feel the same way. Quite often it's hard to hear your dh praising others & feeling hard done by... I should know!!

My dh was interviewed by a woman who he came home & said was "Lovely, down to earth...but her tits weren't as bug as yours!!" So he knew I might have felt threatened if he's left it at the "lovely..." then made the right remark to make me giggle....

Put dd to bed early, get nicely drunk & have a good shag.... sound good?

LEM, do you like to cook? Would it be a suggestion that DP invites 'Sarah Beeny' +1 for a meal one night and then you can be hostess with the mostest?..............

I just wonder that if you can get somehow involved, and thereby supporting DP, you will feel less frumpy and on the sidelines...?

I too need to do something about my appearance, but need to wait till we've eliminated property issues and got finances back on track, so I understand if you feel you can't strestch to that yet if DP's business means you are cash poor...

Have you watched 'How to look good Naked?' The ladies on that are all REAL women and Gok manages to get them looking great in functional but sexy underwear. Don't think you have to wear skimpy stuff, look at the stuff that actually does it's job but is pretty too. But then it's not easy getting shopping down with a toddler in tow...

My dd starts playschool next month and only then will I have free time to go do something for myself, but my son (14) is able to babysit for me now and again. Is your older daughter willing/able to babysit once a week so that you can go to a class or swimmming or something for yourself?

Dittany, that was extremely rude.

It might just be his way of making subtle hints that you've let yourself go and that's better than him actually coming out and saying it and better than he leaves for someone else so do something about it. And it costs no money or time to lose weight. Eat less. It saves money too. Although I'm not saying it's dead easy.

I honestly think Lucy... the way to go is to pamper yourself, to raise your self esteem somewhat.

The woman he met today probably wore a hat cos her hair was greasy or she was bald or summat!!

Do you 'go on' to your DH about your insecurities... (oh I'm so fat, I'm so ugly, you must think I look horrible etc.) If you do... STOP now, before he starts believing it. You wouldn't want your DD hearing that would you? You have to be careful with daughter cos they pick up on bad body image and your DD will copy you if you are not careful.

What Klaw says about Gok Wan and the programme he does is so true... look how he turns those women round, with no surgery or anything. It is all a state of mind and learning to love yourself.

If you think you are big, emphasise your cleavage which is probably magnificent. Always wear V neck tops, not high neck tops. I know this works... I have been a size 20 and a size 10 and know what works for me.

Take little steps towards liking yourself again.

I don't see where or when LEM's DH has been a wanker?

He says women he knows have done well for themselves, probably because they have?

Doesn't mean he thinks anyless of LEM though.

LEM, have you had a look at Lakeland? Not that it would matter if they were non-stick or not if they wont get used!

I also wanted to say (but got carried away by pans ) the way you see yourself is not how your DH sees you, women are much more critical of both themselves and other women, your insecurities about the way you look are probably linked to your depression, so I wouldnt trust the way you think you look anyway atm.
A bit of new lippy and some nail varnish would be enough for a man to think 'Wow, she's really made an effort'!!

lucyellensmum - it is you smart with your PhD, who as history and children with your DH. This lady has receipts, ledgers, piss boring figures

i bet you she is a smashing lady with absolutely no interest in your DH. so don't sweat it

I certainly don't think i have ever implied my DP is in any way doing me a disservice by being impressed with his friends women. Its just that i am sensitive just now, so he could actually say to me, XYZ has got a new hamster and i would feel inadequate for not having one!

It is not exactly helpful to call my DO a wanker, but you are entitled to your opinion. And if you were to read this post in isolation it is a fair enough comment. I just think the other posters have read my other threads and know that my DP has the patience of a saint, is a loving partner and wonderful father. He can be a frustrating arse sometimes, he can be insensitive sometimes because he doesnt understand my illness. But it is MY illness, and things in the past tht have caused my lack of self esteem, not him. Thanks for the vote of support though dittany Just misplaced is all.

Xenia - you never mince your words do you, you are right though, eat less, lose weight! Well, eat better, lose weight. DP and I both need to go on a health kick to be fair. I had gallstones after my pregnancy and lost four stone in weight very quickly. Ironically, when i was slimmer was the most difficult time in our relationship, we virtually hated each other. I often find that ironic. After my OP, i ate and ate, and ate and ate - all the shite i had to deny myself, now i find it more or less impossible to eat healthily. Not only me but DP, we were so strict with ourselves when i was ill that you would think we could make a few small changes wouldnt you. (he is lardier than i am!!) So psychologically for me, the weight issue is a bit blurred, seeing as that was when i felt less attractive, and AND my tits wasted away to a C cup. I happen to be very proud of my FFs I know you are itching to say GET A JOB, all this has happened because you are a SAHM. Maybe, but actually, when i have my rational head on. My DD needs me at home just now (i know, arrogant of me to think only I can do it!) but DP needs me to help with the business, and i am hoping that if things kick off it will be enough to keep me occupied. Although i have to say, im not sure if it is right for me, because im a bit of a control freak and it would not sit well for me to only do the admin etc. I would have to have a bigger role. Otherwise it will be back to work when DD goes to school next year, but what to do? God knows. I dont think i want to go back into science. And i guess due to lack of confidence, i havent a clue what else to do.

I am sure the woman he met today was a really nice person. With a daft hat (one like i have actually!) He knows i feel jealous because i told him how i felt, I also told him that i know its stupid. He says i am the only one for him . I don't actually think he should not say that his friends wives do a good job etc, its MY problem not his.

Talk to him about your future role in the business if it kicks off because if he just sees you admin rather than say 50% partner with him taking decisions you might really be better doing some other work. Most couples who work together end up getting on worse.

On health if he doesn't eat well it might be the other women wouldn't want him anyway if he's not attractive.

I don't tink anyone in the UK should be put on tablets for depression without being given a diet which will help their mood and advice on exercise and cognitive behaviour therapy too. It could be that part of the reason you feel worse since the 4 stone went on is your body's reaction to sugar and snacking and all that stuff.

LEM I don't have anything else constructive to add that hasn't already been said. klaw, LVS,FFF2 and Helliebean in particular i feel have given excellent advice.

For some straight talking I know just where to come next time I am down in the dumps!

Just wanted to say I know how you feel and to remind you that you are more than the sum of your parts. I have to tell myself that all the time, and for me it does help. There is so much more to you, than your weight or your hair or any of that crap x

Xenia has a good point there, I really think sugar makes you depressed. When I manage to cut it out (not at the moment) I have three days of feeling shite then I feel great and its an easy way to lose weight.

I agree with Xenia too, healthy eating and exercise can make you feel great!

Yes, there are guidelines for eating on web sites like promis (for depression and binge eating) and www.radiantrecovery.com. Obviously if someone is going to kill themselves you don't say change your diet - you get in there with pills but it does look like there is a possibility that the sugar might cause the mood problems rather than be your reaction to feeling depressed which is a fascinating take on some people's depression.

MIND Guide to food and mood

The food thing is definately worth addressing, i agree. Also the exercise bit, i used to be in the gym every morning when i was doing my PhD (more to do with procrastination than anything else) and i used to do cross country running with my dog. It did make me feel good yes. Also, DP and i have been battling colds on and off since xmas - i think a diet overhaul is in order here.

To be fair Xenia (and i have not put it across this way i know), at the moment, all i am really doing is admin. DP is a builder and that is all really i can do at this moment in time. We do sit down and price jobs together. If the business does get bigger then yes I will have more input into the running of things. I just don't fancy humping bricks at this moment in time (but it would help with the weight though wouldnt it). I have to say, i am not entirely sure i want to run the business even if it does kick off, but for now, it does give me some focus and he definately needs me to sort things out, i have let things slip so i need to get on top of that. But as to future career, who knows. I certainly don't, that doesnt have to be a negative though.

I totally agree regarding the CBT, my doctor said it wasnt available on NHS in this area, my HV disagreed with that. I might try and chase this up. I had six weeks counselling and they said there was no improvement, so they want to change my meds, i said bugger off, im not going up and down like a yoyo.

I am embarrased about posting this today, ive had a bad day, and i seem to do this. I can trot along nicely and then something small triggers me into a pit of self pity.

dittany, i do agree to a certain extent that it isnt all down to me, even my counseller said that. it is part of my illness that i take everything onto my shoulders though. There are times when i see DPs faults, hes not perfect, and believe me, i let him know. The thing is, he is under so much pressure too, financially, so me being an arse, doent help.

I think often the meds do need changing a good few times before you get the right dose.

sm, thanks for that link. Also see www.promis.co.uk/content/eating/eatguide.php and www.radiantrecovery.com

Which are slightly simpler but cutting out the same likely culprits, 3 meals a day, not spiking your blood sugar up and down all day, avoiding sugar and white flour, caffeine, alcohol.

your welcome xenia

Hey you.

Did you get dd to bed early?

I took some of my own advice & when dh was cooking dinner I showered, shaved my legs, arms & tidied the bikini line got dressed up in a nice low cut top that I never wear.. & put on some make up

When I came up for dinner Dh said "oh my god, oh you look lovely, this is a nice surprise...." then he kept looking at me during dinner!

I have just loaded the dishwasher & he has gone to get showered

Sometimes it's nice to remind them that you're not just a mammy & not just a wife, you're a hot blooded woman underneath who needs some attention from time to time xoxoxo