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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if partner took out a loan without discussing it with you?

229 replies

secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:39

Not married. 7 years together. Shared finances. 1 DC together.

Jus found out he took out a loan last December without telling me, as he left the statement lying around so I saw it this morning.

AIBU that when you share finances and live together you discuss these things openly?

Also can't get any straight answers about where the money went. I asked if there are any more debts I don't know about, he denied it. I said how can I trust that though if you kept this from me? can I see your bank statement to prove it? He lost his temper and said "we are not married and you are not going through my statements, that's controlling".

I'm controlling?! For not trusting him due to the secret loan and now wanting some sort of proof he hasn't done this several times?

So as not to drip feed - he was also messaging another woman around the time of the loan being taken out - there's about a month between these two things. We are having counselling about that at the moment. He swears he never slept with her and it was just flirty messages that went no further then fizzled out. But now my mind is in overdrive that he took out this loan to buy her stuff (it was around Christmas last year) and that's why he's refusing to let me see his statements??

Am i going mad here? And I totally paranoid and controlling like he says? Or is this not ok? 😢

OP posts:
AltheaVestr1t · 15/12/2022 07:42

No, if you share finances this is not ok. I would raise this on counselling and see what response you get with a third party in the room.

dolor · 15/12/2022 07:42

Well he's clearly spending that on another woman, so I'd get rid.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:43

He said it was for "Christmas presents and food shopping". If that were the case, why not discuss it with me? It makes no sense. Also, I bought all of our DC's Christmas presents last year. He didn't contribute at all. So it definitely didn't go on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:44

AltheaVestr1t · 15/12/2022 07:42

No, if you share finances this is not ok. I would raise this on counselling and see what response you get with a third party in the room.

I plan to!

He said "you're not looking at my bank statements and that's the end of that".

I said no, it's not the end of that. It's getting raised in counselling!

Im so angry

OP posts:
dolor · 15/12/2022 07:45

He's lying to you.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:46

dolor · 15/12/2022 07:45

He's lying to you.

About which part? I have no idea what to trust anymore. I'm sat here with my toddler just sobbing.

It's the fact he called me controlling as well for wanting reassurance by looking at his statements. Turning it around on me when he's in the wrong!

OP posts:
bunpot · 15/12/2022 07:46

Agree you're right to be angry. Loans have consequences for the whole family. The other woman element makes it even worse. His argument about not being married is also a red flag - is he saying that despite having a kid together there's some level of commitment you haven't reached yet? Not good

Notanotherusername4321 · 15/12/2022 07:46

I’d be counting my lucky stars you aren’t married- the debt is his alone, and you have no part in it.

if you were married it would be a shared debt.

anyway, what do you mean by shared finances? Are all accounts joint?

I’d be getting my own bank account. Joint account for shared expenses like rent/mortgage and bills, everything else separate. Don’t give him access to your money.

PermanentTemporary · 15/12/2022 07:48

I did this long ago. I can't defend it. Money was extremely tight and I should think it was around Christmas or something like that. I was the breadwinner. Dh was very unwell at that time and my excuse for not telling him was that it would have been too stressful for him. If he'd found out i would have told him the truth, I think.

I think its something that would put a strain on the strongest marriage, particularly if you're already losing trust.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:48

bunpot · 15/12/2022 07:46

Agree you're right to be angry. Loans have consequences for the whole family. The other woman element makes it even worse. His argument about not being married is also a red flag - is he saying that despite having a kid together there's some level of commitment you haven't reached yet? Not good

Exactly this! I said to him what's not being married got to do with anything?! He mumbled something about it being his own debt not a jointly liable one. Does that make it ok? I'd argue not when you live together with a child and pool finances.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:49

Notanotherusername4321 · 15/12/2022 07:46

I’d be counting my lucky stars you aren’t married- the debt is his alone, and you have no part in it.

if you were married it would be a shared debt.

anyway, what do you mean by shared finances? Are all accounts joint?

I’d be getting my own bank account. Joint account for shared expenses like rent/mortgage and bills, everything else separate. Don’t give him access to your money.

No we have separate accounts.

By shared finances I mean we contribute equally to the household bills, childcare fees and food shopping every month. We share the financial running of the household was what I meant.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 15/12/2022 07:50

Not ok and one of the many reasons women should take charge of their own finances . If he wants to take a loan with his money that's fine but certainly don't involve joint finances without a discussion.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:51

It's his response to it that's made it so much worse.

"You are NOT looking at my statements, absolutely no way. That's controlling. We are not married."

Then he sajd "I don't ask to look at your statements do I?!"

Wtf? Well no, because I don't take out secret loans 🙄

He's totally turned it around on me.

He's hiding more isn't he?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 15/12/2022 07:51

I think you are completely right. I'm really shocked as well that he didn't contribute to the children's presence. What kind of father is he?

I wouldn't trust this one as far as I could throw him. When he says he spent the money on food I reckon he means meals out with another woman. When he talks about presents, did he buy you anything? If not and he isn't buying for the children why does he need a loan?

barbrahunter · 15/12/2022 07:52

The problem is that he has abused your trust and I am sorry to say but what else might he be hiding?

Sagcbots · 15/12/2022 07:52

Could he have a gambling addiction? My DH was doing similar a few years ago.

Afterfire · 15/12/2022 07:52

For me personally the other women stuff would be an instant boot out. No chances.

The loan thing… I’m not sure. Dh and I have joint finances; we’ve been married 15 years. Share all incomings and outgoings - but - I have overdraft debts he doesn’t really know about. I’m just not that great at managing my own spending money despite us having the same amount (and I’m a stay at home parent). He knows I have some debt and we sort of laugh about it as it isn’t serious, we are not in difficulties because of it. I think it depends on how much you’re talking about and whether it impacts the rest of the household and also what your finances are like in general. If you’re talking a £15k personal loan that’s very different to a few hundred borrowed for Christmas in my mind.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:53

He also can't see why I've made a link between this woman and the money. If you've got nothing to hide you'd just prove it right?!

OP posts:
astronewt · 15/12/2022 07:53

I'd be furious purely from the shared-finances and shared financial plan angle, and the fact that he was pissing away family money on unsecured debt. But I think you're right that there's more to it just than that as well. So no, YAdefinitelyNBU.

Middledazedted · 15/12/2022 07:54

I twice took out loans and didn’t mention them as husband was ill. He didn’t need the fuss. All monies were accounted for and later they were discussed. Had he found out I would have been honest. Last year you bought the kids things, he messages other women and is now making a lie your problem. He sounds shocking.

BackInTheDales · 15/12/2022 07:54

Yes that's not great. How much was the loan for if you don't mind me asking?

KangarooKenny · 15/12/2022 07:56

As long as all bills are paid, you’re all fed and clothed, he can spend his money on whatever he wants. And that includes if you were married.
So forget all of that, the fact is that you do not trust him, and you have two good reasons for that.
‘I can’t see why you stay with him.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:57

It's 1k. It's not huge but it's also not small considering we are a bit stretched already.

Also due to the ridiculous interest on it, despite paying back £50 a month since January, he's still got £600 left to pay?!

The amount feels insignificant if I'm honest. It's the fact he's been secretive about finances around the same time he was messaging another woman, and on top of that his reaction to me when I've seen the statement this morning. I'm "controlling" and definitely not looking at his statements. I feel sick. These are not good signs are they 😢

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 15/12/2022 07:58

My now ex-husband was very financially controlling. He took out credit cards, loans and payday loans without telling me, totally about £26,000. When he left I was liable for them as he paid them into our joint account (which I had no access to) but was unaware of them. He also had his post redirected so I ended up defaulting on them. That was back in 2017. I'm still waiting for them to drop off my credit history so I can get a mortgage (March 2024). It's a fucking nightmare and I hate him every day for it.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:59

1k would have comfortably covered a hotel getaway with this woman wouldn't it? A few nice meals. Some Christmas presents.

If it was for "food shopping and presents" he would have discussed it with me in advance surely.

OP posts: