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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if partner took out a loan without discussing it with you?

229 replies

secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:39

Not married. 7 years together. Shared finances. 1 DC together.

Jus found out he took out a loan last December without telling me, as he left the statement lying around so I saw it this morning.

AIBU that when you share finances and live together you discuss these things openly?

Also can't get any straight answers about where the money went. I asked if there are any more debts I don't know about, he denied it. I said how can I trust that though if you kept this from me? can I see your bank statement to prove it? He lost his temper and said "we are not married and you are not going through my statements, that's controlling".

I'm controlling?! For not trusting him due to the secret loan and now wanting some sort of proof he hasn't done this several times?

So as not to drip feed - he was also messaging another woman around the time of the loan being taken out - there's about a month between these two things. We are having counselling about that at the moment. He swears he never slept with her and it was just flirty messages that went no further then fizzled out. But now my mind is in overdrive that he took out this loan to buy her stuff (it was around Christmas last year) and that's why he's refusing to let me see his statements??

Am i going mad here? And I totally paranoid and controlling like he says? Or is this not ok? 😢

OP posts:
Lockheart · 15/12/2022 09:43

It's not gaslighting to say it's controlling to demand to go through someone's bank statements. It IS controlling to demand to go through someone's bank statements when they are legally none of your business.

Look OP he is clearly a berk and you would be more than justified in leaving him, but your behaviour is in this one particular instance is controlling.

bumpytrumpy · 15/12/2022 09:43

So he moved from his wife, to his mums sofa, to your house??

Big red flag bunting.

beachcitygirl · 15/12/2022 09:44

Yanbu.

Ignore the idiots on here making you out the crazy one. There's always a few on here. And it's always the same few. 🙄

I think you have really tried with this relationship but I think you know it's over.

He is gaslighting you.

I would be getting my ducks in a row to end things. Keep posting if you feel he's telling you more lies - you need to be able to see through that haze and others can help with that. A lot of us have been there.

NinjaWarriorCooker · 15/12/2022 09:44

secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:54

@Thefriendlyone

You interpret it as "I'm telling teacher".

My intent when I said it? "No - you don't get to just brush this under the carpet like you try to do every time you hurt or upset me, so it's getting raised in a safe and neutral space with a third party present so I cannot be gaslighted and dismissed any further."

see the difference? I got gaslighted with the OW stuff too. This man makes me question my own sanity when he wrongs me. Every single time

This is 100% right, I totally understand what you are saying here.

ImAvingOops · 15/12/2022 09:45

I wouldn't buy a house with him. That exposes you to a level of risk you shouldn't take with a fundamentally untrustworthy man!
The word cocklodger is springing to mind - he's not paying his way, not sharing his life fully with you, lying, cheating. Of course he wants a house - he'll have an asset that you are paying disproportionately for.

Knors · 15/12/2022 09:45

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 09:02

Op I think maybe step away from the thread, try to calm down, maybe a walk will help. Lashing out at other posters if you don’t like their answer, is not helping you , you’re clearly in a spiral. And that’s understandable , it’s hard when a relationship ends, but as said, we are not your enemy.

How is she lashing out. You made assumptions and she is giving you HER correct answers!! You're the one that needs to step away from this thread!

beachcitygirl · 15/12/2022 09:46

@Thefriendlyone how about you stop 🛑 she's not lashed out at anyone. Your post is completely inappropriate in these circumstances.

Stupid username for you.

HappyintheHills · 15/12/2022 09:49

He needs to pay off his dirty little loan and start contributing to maintenance of his child before he starts contemplating savings for house purchase🤣
Of course you can’t trust him, of course you should raise it in counselling as he’s got a practiced line in DARVO - look it up

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:52

ItWasTheBestOfTimes · 15/12/2022 09:41

Does he have a history of gambling? Two of my BILs have had to borrow money from DH without telling SILs as they've spent the mortgage money on online slots or roulette, sometimes losing £100's in less than an hour. He's also lent smaller amounts to friends that have done the same thing. It seems to be rife. I've asked him to stop lending as he's just enabling them and we are unlikely to ever be repaid, which is annoying even though we can afford to lose the money.

He might be reluctant to show you his statements as you will see the gambling transactions?

Not that I know of, but I wouldn't rule it out at this point.

The other thing I'm now wondering (and which would explain his reluctance to let me see his statements), is whether he has paid for sex chats etc (onlyfans, that sort of thing?). He was messaging another woman and trying to get her into bed so..... it's possible that's where the money went.

OP posts:
Jimmini · 15/12/2022 09:53

what do you want out of counselling? Counselling can help you work through differences and find common ground, it can’t fix an arsehole.

cheating, lying about finances, what will it actually take for you to kick this cocklodger out?

ExtraJalapenos · 15/12/2022 09:53

When someone 'dabbles' in infidelity and is truly sorry, they will do everything to make sure that you will trust them again. I'm talking begging, extra effort, sharing every aspect of their life to prove they are faithful and worthy of being trusted.
What he's doing is gaslighting. He is planting the seeds of making you look crazy and controlling so when you do inevitably split, it'll be because 'you're controlling'.

When in reality he is actually disgusting.

Your DC deserve better. Sometimes these things work out but if you've been having counselling over his cheating (because that's exactly what it is) and this is his response to being caught out in a lie even after those sessions, I'm afraid it's something that screams the end of the road.

I'm sorry this is happening OP. Kids pick up everything. Don't let them see this manipulation as normal. Cut your losses and tell this lying twat to leave

Naunet · 15/12/2022 09:53

secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:52

Not that I know of, but I wouldn't rule it out at this point.

The other thing I'm now wondering (and which would explain his reluctance to let me see his statements), is whether he has paid for sex chats etc (onlyfans, that sort of thing?). He was messaging another woman and trying to get her into bed so..... it's possible that's where the money went.

Show quote history

Oh OP, you deserve so much better than this

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:54

HappyintheHills · 15/12/2022 09:49

He needs to pay off his dirty little loan and start contributing to maintenance of his child before he starts contemplating savings for house purchase🤣
Of course you can’t trust him, of course you should raise it in counselling as he’s got a practiced line in DARVO - look it up

Funnily enough I recognised his DARVO instantly this morning when he shouted at me that I'm "controlling" and "I'd never ask to see your bank statements so don't do it to me". I was like ahhh, I see what you did there; I've read about this on mumsnet! You totally flipped that on me and now you're attacking me. Classic. He rolled his eyes when I pointed that out.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/12/2022 09:54

secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:58

Unlike him I actually want to resolve our issues!

After he cheated on me, guess who's idea The counselling was? Yep, mine. Guess who took a lot of convincing to try it? Yep, him. Guess who made it all out to be my fault, that he had messaged this other woman, because I was "unwell" (with severe PND following the birth of our child) and he "couldn't talk to me". So naturally of course he had to try and shag another woman. Makes perfect sense. I see how that was totally my fault.

I'm not sure that couples counselling is the way to go. I think you need to see someone to unpick your feelings and give you some clarity.

What are your living arrangements? Rented or owned?

VapeVamp12 · 15/12/2022 09:55

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 09:02

Op I think maybe step away from the thread, try to calm down, maybe a walk will help. Lashing out at other posters if you don’t like their answer, is not helping you , you’re clearly in a spiral. And that’s understandable , it’s hard when a relationship ends, but as said, we are not your enemy.

Your posts are quite patronising.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2022 09:56

secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:36

No. But, ironically, he keeps talking about how we need to start saving for a deposit on a house as he's sick of renting etc. yet he categorically refuses to share financial information with me because "we're not married so why should I". OK..... but you want to jointly own a property with me??! Confused

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Ah. Answered.

Don't!

FermisLeftFoot · 15/12/2022 09:56

I completely agree it’s your business when you share finances and someone is also asking you to look into making a big financial commitment together like saving for a house.

It’s also your business because of the context and how it seems fairly likely this loan was for something to do with your relationship- i.e cheating you on (hotels etc) or even possibly considering leaving (despot for a rental?). Not least because he’s also been arsey about you taking the new job and it seems this was because of his secret financial activities - so of course it’s your business, this all impacts directly on you, your relationship and ultimately your child of the relationship breaks down or more debt is added to the household.

What do you want from the relationship now? Do you want to stay with him? Sorry if you’ve answered that already, I have read your posts but can’t recall if you did.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/12/2022 09:56

its not just the loan it’s his responses. You clearly see yourself as partners and in a relationship similar to a marriage he sees himself as single. His finances. As long as puts share in pot then what he does is not up to you - like housemates situation.
I think a split is inevitable.

Lockheart · 15/12/2022 09:58

secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:52

Not that I know of, but I wouldn't rule it out at this point.

The other thing I'm now wondering (and which would explain his reluctance to let me see his statements), is whether he has paid for sex chats etc (onlyfans, that sort of thing?). He was messaging another woman and trying to get her into bed so..... it's possible that's where the money went.

Show quote history

You could drive yourself mad thinking of what-ifs and maybes.

This relationship is not a good one. You can't control what he does, you can only control what you do. Your options are either 1) end the relationship or 2) make peace with the fact you will likely never know the truth, try to put it behind you, and move on.

Keeping limping along not trusting him and demanding to go through his stuff and him shouting at you is not an option. He is never going to turn around one day and tell you everything, and even if he did, would you believe him?

MamaFirst · 15/12/2022 10:00

The problem with not being able to trust your partner is it will always be there in the background. A year from now, three years, five years. The crux is he wouldn't have told you about this if you hadn't found out yourself. When do you discover the next lie? He's inherently dishonest and disrespectful of what you deserve in your relationship. I don't see a way forward from that personally.

butterfliedtwo · 15/12/2022 10:02

Kazplus2 · 15/12/2022 08:11

Splitting bills 50/50 is not joint finances. It sounds like you both have your own money after paying bills in which case there is no impact on joint finances. It's not ideal but in this scenario it's his business and doesn't impact you.

Agree with this

superdupernova · 15/12/2022 10:04

No. But, ironically, he keeps talking about how we need to start saving for a deposit on a house as he's sick of renting etc. yet he categorically refuses to share financial information with me because "we're not married so why should I". OK..... but you want to jointly own a property with me??!

Maybe you should suggest seeing a broker to get an idea of what your budgets would be and what you need to save for a deposit. He'd be in for a surprise. They ask for bank statements and openly ask you about loans and credits cards in front of each other.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 10:05

MamaFirst · 15/12/2022 10:00

The problem with not being able to trust your partner is it will always be there in the background. A year from now, three years, five years. The crux is he wouldn't have told you about this if you hadn't found out yourself. When do you discover the next lie? He's inherently dishonest and disrespectful of what you deserve in your relationship. I don't see a way forward from that personally.

I said this to him. I still wouldn't know about the OW if I hadn't discovered that myself. I wouldn't know about the loan if I hadn't seen the statement lying around in the kitchen. What else don't I know that I'll discover years down the line?

OP posts:
Stunningscreamer · 15/12/2022 10:06

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 09:02

Op I think maybe step away from the thread, try to calm down, maybe a walk will help. Lashing out at other posters if you don’t like their answer, is not helping you , you’re clearly in a spiral. And that’s understandable , it’s hard when a relationship ends, but as said, we are not your enemy.

Oh stop it with your patronising, passive aggressive faux concern. The OP has quite rightly pushed back on your made up narrative about her motives for counselling. She's entitled to put the record straight and she wasn't attacking or OTT. And stop gaslighting her about being in a spiral. She isn't. She's understandably upset with a very difficult situation and is reacting perfectly normally. Ironic name though...

DogInATent · 15/12/2022 10:08

@bumpytrumpy
As an aside, a £1k bank loan is weird. Most people would get a 0% credit card for that kind of spending. Makes you wonder if he's already maxed out on those ...

Bad credit rating was mentioned in the drip-feed, alongside an ex-wife (no mention of any DC from that relationship - yet). Although clearly his rating has improved if the bank gave a loan. It could be the £1k was as far as his credit rating stretched.

I'm still thinking that gambling or cypto are the most likely answers. They'd explain the secrecy if he's losing on either or both. Surely no one is daft enough to finance an affair with a personal loan?

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