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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if partner took out a loan without discussing it with you?

229 replies

secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:39

Not married. 7 years together. Shared finances. 1 DC together.

Jus found out he took out a loan last December without telling me, as he left the statement lying around so I saw it this morning.

AIBU that when you share finances and live together you discuss these things openly?

Also can't get any straight answers about where the money went. I asked if there are any more debts I don't know about, he denied it. I said how can I trust that though if you kept this from me? can I see your bank statement to prove it? He lost his temper and said "we are not married and you are not going through my statements, that's controlling".

I'm controlling?! For not trusting him due to the secret loan and now wanting some sort of proof he hasn't done this several times?

So as not to drip feed - he was also messaging another woman around the time of the loan being taken out - there's about a month between these two things. We are having counselling about that at the moment. He swears he never slept with her and it was just flirty messages that went no further then fizzled out. But now my mind is in overdrive that he took out this loan to buy her stuff (it was around Christmas last year) and that's why he's refusing to let me see his statements??

Am i going mad here? And I totally paranoid and controlling like he says? Or is this not ok? 😢

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 15/12/2022 08:52

This loan is the tip of the iceberg really. Your biggest problem by far is the lack of trust and the fact that he had, at minimum, a flirtatious relationship with another woman.

Your relationship is over but frankly it’s a blessing that you don’t have blended finances. This is why shared finances are incredibly dangerous unless you are the lower earner in the partnership and married.

Time’s up.

CityGrownWillow · 15/12/2022 08:52

Firstly, he is gaslighting you by saying "you're controlling!" this isn't your

Testina · 15/12/2022 08:53

secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:48

you on the other hand are weaponising counselling and acting like it’s like telling teacher

Wtf does this mean??'

It means what it says! You’re not using counselling to resolve issues, you’re (considering) using it to (try to) get the counsellor on your side, to shame him in front of them, to get them to join in the telling off…

I get it. I had marital counselling with XH after cheating and all I wanted from counselling really was for him to say to XH, “well aren’t you the arsehole?”

But that’s not what it’s for.

Knors · 15/12/2022 08:54

Trust your guts my dear. Someone else said this up-thread - Our instincts are always right!

Do what you need to do.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:54

@Thefriendlyone

You interpret it as "I'm telling teacher".

My intent when I said it? "No - you don't get to just brush this under the carpet like you try to do every time you hurt or upset me, so it's getting raised in a safe and neutral space with a third party present so I cannot be gaslighted and dismissed any further."

see the difference? I got gaslighted with the OW stuff too. This man makes me question my own sanity when he wrongs me. Every single time

OP posts:
CityGrownWillow · 15/12/2022 08:54

Firstly, he is gaslighting you by saying that you're controlling. It is not your fault that he's kept something from you and is now hiding what it was for!
Trust your instinct and gut, always. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck. It's a duck. Personally, the trust and relationship would've been gone the moment I found out about the other woman, whether he's slept with her or not.

Best of luck to you and your toddler, OP. Sending love x

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:55

It means what it says! You’re not using counselling to resolve issues, you’re (considering) using it to (try to) get the counsellor on your side, to shame him in front of them, to get them to join in the telling off…

This is made up bollocks. Nowhere have I mentioned shame, telling off, or getting anyone on "my side". I'm not 11 for fucks sake.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:58

Unlike him I actually want to resolve our issues!

After he cheated on me, guess who's idea The counselling was? Yep, mine. Guess who took a lot of convincing to try it? Yep, him. Guess who made it all out to be my fault, that he had messaged this other woman, because I was "unwell" (with severe PND following the birth of our child) and he "couldn't talk to me". So naturally of course he had to try and shag another woman. Makes perfect sense. I see how that was totally my fault.

OP posts:
Calmdown14 · 15/12/2022 08:58

If it's a bank loan his credit rating can't be that bad. How long does the car loan have to run?

I disagree about finances not being joint. I've been married 20 years and we don't have a joint bank account but I would expect my husband to tell me if he was taking out a loan. I'd want to look at any other ways we could save first.

A loan for everyday expenses without telling your partner is a big red flag. The nicest option is that he's trying to keep up with a lifestyle you can't afford but if that's the case you definitely need to discuss it.
If it was a loan for a piece of equipment that he would use to make some money on the side you could perhaps argue that's his business but if it's being used to fund the family, you should know that.

And if it's not well that's a whole new set of issues.

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 08:58

I think you’re very understandably upset and angry op; we are not the enemy

it is hard when a relationship ends. The dying throes are hard. Have you got yourself sorted financially ?

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/12/2022 08:59

This man makes me question my own sanity when he wrongs me. Every single time.

OP this is God’s way of telling you it’s over. There really is no way forward once trust is lost. You’re wasting your time and money with counselling (although I understand why you might feel you need to try).

You’re damaging your own resilience and self esteem by questioning why and what for and with whom. You will never get an honest answer to these questions and you will drive yourself mad in the process.

To to realise it’s over and focus on moving forward.

sleephelp2022 · 15/12/2022 08:59

No I'm sorry OP, absolutely not okay...

Do you know the amount? What are his finances usually like? Is he a big spender?

People saying other woman - not always the case. He could have got in to money trouble, debts. gambling etc?

God I'm so sorry, this is a really shitty situation.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:00

@Testina

No, you in fact don't "get it", at all! I don't want anyone to shame my partner or tell him off or be "on my side". I just want him to see how much I am hurting from his actions so that we can find a way forward together. I want a safe space to discuss things with a neutral third party.

Just because you wanted something from your counselling doesn't mean we are the same. There's nothing I've said that indicates any of the stuff you've concluded.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 15/12/2022 09:01

sleephelp2022 · 15/12/2022 08:59

No I'm sorry OP, absolutely not okay...

Do you know the amount? What are his finances usually like? Is he a big spender?

People saying other woman - not always the case. He could have got in to money trouble, debts. gambling etc?

God I'm so sorry, this is a really shitty situation.

But we already know there’s another woman. Whether or not this is what’s triggered the need for the loan is irrelevant. He’s cheated and the relationship is over.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:02

@Thefriendlyone

I didn't say you were the enemy.

I'm pointing out that my intentions regarding counselling are not what you or @Testina think. A million miles from that actually.

I want it to help us both move forward together. I've got zero interest in people being "shamed" or "told off". I just want to be able to trust him again so we can move forward with our family.

OP posts:
Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 09:02

Op I think maybe step away from the thread, try to calm down, maybe a walk will help. Lashing out at other posters if you don’t like their answer, is not helping you , you’re clearly in a spiral. And that’s understandable , it’s hard when a relationship ends, but as said, we are not your enemy.

DogInATent · 15/12/2022 09:03

The semantics of what is and isn't shared finances have already been addressed. I think you (in theory) have the best arrangement with separate accounts and a joint account for running costs.

But... why are the costs for your DC not coming out of the joint account? - presents, clothing, etc. That seems to be a major oversight.

Is there a safety cushion in the joint account that would cover 3-6 months of running costs?

£1,000 isn't a huge amount for a loan. It's a very inefficient amount to borrow on a personal loan. It's very concerning he can't/won't tell you what it was for. I'd be worried about the potential for it to be gambling debts or cryptocurrency. His concern about your new role and a step-down in your salary may indicate a concern about his own personal finances that he isn't telling you about. Blowing hot then cold on the idea of your new job could indicate there's something weighing on his mind about money.

I'd be less concerned about flirty messages a year ago and more concerned about the potential for a problem in his finances affecting your joint finances. And he may be hiding the details out of shame rather than guilt.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:04

I'm not lashing out because I don't "like" the answers. I'm correcting Incorrect assumptions.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:07

@DogInATent

There is no shared account. We split the bills 50/50 (rent, household bills, childcare bills, food bills) and it all goes out of my account. He transfers me 50% of these costs every month, which I then pay from my account, except the food shopping bill which we each keep in our own accounts, we use one lot of money to cover the first part of the month, then the second lot from the other account for the second part of the month (ie we each budget for 2 ish weeks worth of food shopping).

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/12/2022 09:10

It seems you want it to work more than he does. Presumably dc was still little when he was texting another woman. Do you have reason to think it was spent on a break with her? Does he have free time to do so, dip in and out of the relationship. He is definitely gaslighting you, calling you controlling, suggesting you have found out the name other than from you.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:10

So we add up the total of the rent, council tax, energy bills, TV/internet etc, and childcare for that month, divide it by 2 and he transfers me that amount. I then pay those bills from my account. We each then also budget for half the month each for food shopping - then we say use "my" half for the first 2 weeks then "his" for the 2nd 2 weeks of the month. Anything left after that is our own disposable income (not much left but roughly similar amounts each). Most of mine goes on things for our DC. I don't know where hai goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:10

*his

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:11

@LIZS

DC was 6 months old when it happened.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 15/12/2022 09:11

With the best will in the world, you can't repair a relationship unless both parties want to. I do believe that sometimes a couple can come back from infidelity, but only if the cheating party fully accepts responsibility for their own choice and doesn't attempt to blame their partner. They have to actually be genuinely sorry, not just sorry they were caught! Part of being truly sorry, is accepting they have hugely betrayed trust and going forward are fully transparent with their partner.
You aren't getting any of this from your partner.
The other things you've said about him aren't painting him in a good light - he's not a good father if he's offloading the financial responsibility for not you - bring a good dad is more than playing with a baby and buying them the occasional jumper. It's realising that he is as responsible as you for all aspects of her care.