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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if partner took out a loan without discussing it with you?

229 replies

secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:39

Not married. 7 years together. Shared finances. 1 DC together.

Jus found out he took out a loan last December without telling me, as he left the statement lying around so I saw it this morning.

AIBU that when you share finances and live together you discuss these things openly?

Also can't get any straight answers about where the money went. I asked if there are any more debts I don't know about, he denied it. I said how can I trust that though if you kept this from me? can I see your bank statement to prove it? He lost his temper and said "we are not married and you are not going through my statements, that's controlling".

I'm controlling?! For not trusting him due to the secret loan and now wanting some sort of proof he hasn't done this several times?

So as not to drip feed - he was also messaging another woman around the time of the loan being taken out - there's about a month between these two things. We are having counselling about that at the moment. He swears he never slept with her and it was just flirty messages that went no further then fizzled out. But now my mind is in overdrive that he took out this loan to buy her stuff (it was around Christmas last year) and that's why he's refusing to let me see his statements??

Am i going mad here? And I totally paranoid and controlling like he says? Or is this not ok? 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:23

@Simonjt

It's not about "permission". It's just at least a discussion about this is what I plan to do? We are both responsible for buying our DC Christmas presents and we are both responsible for the food shopping, so I wouldn't take a loan out for those things without discussing with him first because, well, it's a joint financial responsibility.

And it's also the timing of it and the OW around the same time, then refusal to prove to me that there's nothing else to hide. It's all just a bit off....

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:27

I'm also the one who sorts 90% of DC's new clothes and toys. And have been since she was born. That always comes out of my part of the disposable income. He contributes infrequently (eg will come home from food shopping with a new jumper for her, on the odd occasion). But it's always me who keeps on top of new clothes for her when she's outgrown others etc.

That annoys me even more - some of that money could have gone towards those?

OP posts:
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/12/2022 08:28

Simonjt · 15/12/2022 08:20

You’re not married and don’t actually share finances, you just share bills, I wouldn’t expect to need permission etc from a partner.

I would say the other issues in your relationship however are significant, and they do need dealing with.

Which is fine, until he continues to make financial decisions which mean he then cant keep up the payments or cant afford to share household bills thereby meaning OP has no choice but to try to pay more herself.

The issue here is that whilst not married, bad financial planning will affect the household as a whole. Not to mention the secrecy, and if the loan is "innocent" why not just tell his partner?

Something else is going on here.

xyhere · 15/12/2022 08:29

Simonjt · 15/12/2022 08:20

You’re not married and don’t actually share finances, you just share bills, I wouldn’t expect to need permission etc from a partner.

I would say the other issues in your relationship however are significant, and they do need dealing with.

Exactly this. You don't have shared finances at all, so....yeah, it's pretty unreasonable and controlling to expect to see bank statements and the like. We all know that if it was reversed, and this was an AIBU thread about your boyfriend demanding to see your bank statements for something as trivial as a £1k loan, every response would be screaming that he's a controlling abuser.

The actual problem is the flirty messages. How long was that going on for? Was it just one conversation that went a bit too far and was then put in a box to be forgotten, or was it repeated over weeks?

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:31

The actual problem is the flirty messages. How long was that going on for? Was it just one conversation that went a bit too far and was then put in a box to be forgotten, or was it repeated over weeks?

Went on for a few months on and off he tells me.

But then, I don't believe a word out of his mouth so.... anyone's guess

OP posts:
Calmdown14 · 15/12/2022 08:31

What type of company was the loan with? Do you know the name?

I suspect that will offer a clue as to the state of his finances (or common sense).
For that amount someone with a decent credit score would have used a credit card with a zero interest period or a high street lender ) interest rates were low last December).

If not, it begs the question why not? And I'd then be thinking this is the tip of the iceberg.

I don't like it and like you I'd go into angry mode but if you want answers I'd switch tactics.
Act dumb about the potential of another woman and be gentle in saying were you struggling with the family pot, is there anything I can do to help, where did it get too much (you don't have to mean this, just need to get some answers).

I'd be tempted to start separating finances though as if he has poor credit it can still affect you even if not responsible for the loan.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/12/2022 08:31

There's enough going on here for you to justifiably consider separation. The secrecy, the messages to the other woman, the gaslighting.

It's great that he is a good hands on dad - he can still be that with you both living apart.

I wouldn't want to live in a house with someone I couldn't trust.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:31

*The issue here is that whilst not married, bad financial planning will affect the household as a whole. Not to mention the secrecy, and if the loan is "innocent" why not just tell his partner?

Something else is going on here.*

Yes. This is where my thinking is at.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 15/12/2022 08:32

Also agree that you aren't really sharing finances - you are shouldering the bill of responsibility for your child's expenses, while he is pissing his money up the wall. And you have a car loan for his car! He is absolutely taking the piss out of you!

KangarooKenny · 15/12/2022 08:32

secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:31

The actual problem is the flirty messages. How long was that going on for? Was it just one conversation that went a bit too far and was then put in a box to be forgotten, or was it repeated over weeks?

Went on for a few months on and off he tells me.

But then, I don't believe a word out of his mouth so.... anyone's guess

Exactly, you don’t believe a word he says, so you can’t possibly have a relationship where there isn’t trust.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:32

@Calmdown14

It's a bank loan

OP posts:
Hunkahunkaa · 15/12/2022 08:34

None of this is okay, he has secretly taken out debt without you knowing about it, won't offer an explanation as to why ( well a truthful one). It's red flags all over! If he has been secretive about this then what else has he been keeping from you?
You need transparency in the relationship financially or the trust will be gone and it won't work.

Testina · 15/12/2022 08:35

You don’t share finances, you share costs.

You’re not married and I don’t think it’s any of your business whether he takes out a loan - as long as he doesn’t then say, “my repayment is £50, therefore I’m reducing my payment to our joint bills”. I’m married, separate finances, took out a car loan a few week - didn’t tell me husband. Not actually secretive - I’d mused to him about loan vs savings vs PCP. But didn’t tell him the decision. It’s my money paying it back, not his 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. You’re clear that you think has spent it on another woman. You can dump him for that, without proof. Or for messaging her in the first place. Or for not contributing to his kids’ presents last year. Or for expecting you to pay 90% of their costs now (unless that’s fairly proportionate to income?).

He might have spent it on another woman. He also might have consolidated a credit card debt with it - which means there might not be one thing the money was originally spent on.

I don’t think the act of taking out a loan in itself is your business here… but if that’s what it takes to make you end it, fine.

TheTeenageYears · 15/12/2022 08:35

What was his reasoning for not contributing to the DC's presents last year? Can you remember anything else specifically about that time relating to money which carry even more weight to the argument that's he's lying about where the £1,000 went. Do you have statements which show you paid for presents/food with no contribution from him? Re the loan that's a high interest rate - I'm guessing 24 months @ £50 pm so not high street bank I wouldn't think and still probably unlikely to get car finance at not ridiculous rates.

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 15/12/2022 08:36

That's definitely gaslighting and coercive control. Turning it back on you to accuse you of controlling behaviour is pretty classic.

He's lying, he's been caught lying, and now he's trying to paint you in a bad light to create a false equivalence between his affair and your demand to see his statement, and make you look more guilty because your "fault" is closer in time, and he's repentant for his mistakes whereas you won't even accept your guilt. That will be the line he spins from this to make you look guilty.

Don't accept his version now or from the past. £1k is pretty much spot on for a weekend getaway and some Christmas presents for the other woman. That's where the money went until conclusively proven otherwise with detailed evidence. Even if proven otherwise, I wouldn't trust the evidence he creates as it's easy to fake stuff, especially for services which don't exist. Bank and credit card statements are the only reliable methods.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:37

The reason it gets to me more is... I got offered a new job a few months back - slightly fewer hours so slight drop in pay, but will allow a better work life balance due to much closer proximity to home and fewer hours etc. He was fully on board with me applying for it and on interview day wished me luck etc.....

Later that evening he came home from work and I gave him the (what I thought was) good news that they'd offered it to me. He went into a sulk, didn't even congratulate me.... I asked him what on earth was wrong? He totally ruined the mood of the entire household that evening on what should have been a happy moment for us to celebrate my new job (that he was totally on board with!). He replied "I'm just worried about the drop in your pay and how we will manage". He made me feel so guilty I almost withdrew my acceptance of the offer.

All this time getting himself in secret debt and then telling me he's worried about my new job paying slightly less?! Seems a bit rich.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 15/12/2022 08:42

The more you post, the worse it sounds. You don't trust him because he's fundamentally untrustworthy. You can't rely on him to have your back - he doesn't support you even when he's said he will!

YaWeeFurryBastard · 15/12/2022 08:43

You don’t share finances, you aren’t married - you’re not in the committed relationship you think you are.

You now need to decide what you’re going to do with that information.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/12/2022 08:43

I would be less concerned about the loan itself, than his reaction when you found out about it. He’s lying, being defensive and secretive and trying to blame you! Somethings not right and given you are already having counselling, there are clearly issues at the heart of your relationship and it doesn’t sound like he is interested in fixing them. Defo discuss it at your counselling session and see how it goes - but if this were me, it might well be the nail in the coffin really, given his recent behaviour (flirting with other women). Sorry op, this is shit and he doesn’t deserve you.

Elsiebear90 · 15/12/2022 08:43

You don’t actually share finances and you’re not married, so his financial decisions really are his own to make as long as they don’t affect his ability to pay his half towards the household bills and living costs and don’t affect the family’s standard of living. I would be concerned about why someone was taking out a loan for such a small amount though. Why couldn’t he used a credit card or overdraft? It’s a huge red flag and I suspect he is in more financial difficulty than you realise.

The other woman is the main issue you should be focussing on here and general lack of trust, I agree that the money was probably spent on her and that’s a bigger problem than a 1k loan.

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 08:47

you don’t have shared finances op. Splitting bills like housemates is not shared finances.

you need to deal with both issues separately and then look at it holistically. Overall I think your relationship has broken down. He isn’t going to discuss money with you just keep paying his share of the bills, but not gifts and he’s looking elsewhere to meet someone else. When you need to take loans out for a grand, then money is very tight indeed.

you on the other hand are weaponising counselling and acting like it’s like telling teacher

I’m not sure either of you are actually committed here, you are more at war. it’s just doing a dance before this relationship ends formally as in reality it already has. I am sorry , but when it’s this bad I don’t think there is any way back

it’s not uncommon when a relationship ends for parties to behave like this, to stay in to the bitter end , turning it to hate.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:48

you on the other hand are weaponising counselling and acting like it’s like telling teacher

Wtf does this mean??'

OP posts:
Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 08:48

I agree that the money was probably spent on her and that’s a bigger problem than a 1k loan

how can you possibly agree that ? What a silly thing to say. Without seeing his finances and understanding more you can’t possibly agree that , other than you just want to hurt her.

Testina · 15/12/2022 08:50

“All this time getting himself in secret debt and then telling me he's worried about my new job paying slightly less?! Seems a bit rich.”

Well those two things together make sense, actually. If he knows he’s in debt and you’re carrying him, then he would worry about the lower income.

That doesn’t mean he’s not an Arsehole though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you earn the same and contribute the same to the family budget?

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 08:50

secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:48

you on the other hand are weaponising counselling and acting like it’s like telling teacher

Wtf does this mean??'

I said no, it's not the end of that. It's getting raised in counselling!

this, it reads like a threat, like I’m telling teacher

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