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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if partner took out a loan without discussing it with you?

229 replies

secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:39

Not married. 7 years together. Shared finances. 1 DC together.

Jus found out he took out a loan last December without telling me, as he left the statement lying around so I saw it this morning.

AIBU that when you share finances and live together you discuss these things openly?

Also can't get any straight answers about where the money went. I asked if there are any more debts I don't know about, he denied it. I said how can I trust that though if you kept this from me? can I see your bank statement to prove it? He lost his temper and said "we are not married and you are not going through my statements, that's controlling".

I'm controlling?! For not trusting him due to the secret loan and now wanting some sort of proof he hasn't done this several times?

So as not to drip feed - he was also messaging another woman around the time of the loan being taken out - there's about a month between these two things. We are having counselling about that at the moment. He swears he never slept with her and it was just flirty messages that went no further then fizzled out. But now my mind is in overdrive that he took out this loan to buy her stuff (it was around Christmas last year) and that's why he's refusing to let me see his statements??

Am i going mad here? And I totally paranoid and controlling like he says? Or is this not ok? 😢

OP posts:
ScarlettSunset · 15/12/2022 08:00

I would be upset too. And his reaction to you wanting to see his statement is weird if there's nothing to hide. Obviously no one has to let anyone else see their statements but it still seems an over the top reaction to me.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/12/2022 08:01

I think there are a lot of red flags here:

Hiding insignificant financial decision from you when you share finances

Lying about where the money went

Deflecting by blaming you for being 'controlling' for wanting to find out the truth

Losing his temper when hes the one in the wrong

Do you think it's worth continuing with counselling? If he won't tell you, you will always be wondering if he was buying her stuff or paying for hotel rooms etc

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:02

ScarlettSunset · 15/12/2022 08:00

I would be upset too. And his reaction to you wanting to see his statement is weird if there's nothing to hide. Obviously no one has to let anyone else see their statements but it still seems an over the top reaction to me.

Yes exactly this.

To me it's like the equivalent of being caught out messaging another person and then refusing to let your partner see the rest of your messages to prove there's nothing else - and calling them "controlling" for asking to do so. You'd only do that if you had more to hide, surely.

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 15/12/2022 08:02

id say your relationship is definitely over now. Trust has gone. He’s a controlling ass. Do a credit check.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2022 08:05

I’d feel exactly how you do. He’s already broken your trust with this woman, you’ve given him the benefit of the doubt by having counselling rather than just kicking him out and this is how he repays you? Devastating.

Im really sorry 💐💐💐

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:05

Also about 4 years ago I took out a car on finance for him (it's legally in my name but he pays me for it each month), because he had such bad credit from his previous marriage (he blames his ex wife for that) that he couldn't get car finance. Yet he's taking out loans now so surely he can just have the car in his name now?!

OP posts:
WuTangGran · 15/12/2022 08:06

He’s lying.

Perpop · 15/12/2022 08:08

Can you do an Experian or similar credit check with him to see if there’s more debt (his reaction to doing this might tell you all you know)

OurChristmasMiracle · 15/12/2022 08:09

Honestly I would see it as another secret and a further betrayal of trust/lack of being open and as a result I wouldn’t even be going to counselling. I would be leaving. He’s also manipulating the situation to make out you’re in the wrong so he is deflecting his own guilt on you.

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 15/12/2022 08:09

"You're controlling" comment sounds like a gaslighting attempt. Just out of interest, does he have any history of making comments which tries to make you question your version of events in favour of his? Phrases such as "no, that's not what happened", "that's not what I did" or "you're not remembering it correctly" followed by his version of events, including during counselling, would make me suspicious. I'd be thinking back to the events around his dalliance with the other woman, and question his explanations. Do they stand up to scrutiny? Is it really what happened? Are they actually compatible with what you remember? If any of those are no, he's the controlling one.

Unfortunately, the chances are that he's manipulating you. If your finances are joint, him taking out a loan without telling you, spending the money without telling you, and not showing you bank statements are all completely unreasonable. 7 years is a long time to be together and you have a child, but counselling or no counselling, I think you'd be better off without him.

PearlclutchersInc · 15/12/2022 08:11

I would be extremely annoyed. In tandem with the OW, sounds like he's used it on her/gave it to her.

I would be re-evaluating my relationship personally.

Kazplus2 · 15/12/2022 08:11

Splitting bills 50/50 is not joint finances. It sounds like you both have your own money after paying bills in which case there is no impact on joint finances. It's not ideal but in this scenario it's his business and doesn't impact you.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:11

Just out of interest, does he have any history of making comments which tries to make you question your version of events in favour of his?

Yes. When I discovered the other woman I referred to her by name in an argument one day, and he said "who said her name was Laura?!" (Not her real name). I said "YOU did - yesterday you gave me her first name!" (Which he did). He replied "no i didn't".

Stuff like that.

OP posts:
SomeBeings · 15/12/2022 08:13

He's clearly behaved terribly but what do you think you want out of this? Do you think you want to split up?

PoppyFleur · 15/12/2022 08:13

So last Christmas you bought all the gifts for your shared child and he didn’t contribute at all, why was that? It can’t be that money was tight for him since he had an extra £1k from the loan.

Is he actually interested in family life and his child? Because I couldn’t imagine not putting my child first, even if my relationship was on unstable ground.

If he cared about the relationship and his child, he would be honest about the debt and the reasons for taking it out.

Sadly, it sounds like your partner thinks the grass is greener elsewhere and is biding his time until something better comes along.

I’m sorry, I hope it’s something else but in your shoes I would start getting my ducks in a row.

iloveorange · 15/12/2022 08:14

You caught him flirting with another woman, for which you are going to counselling, and now have discovered he's secretly loaned money and won't tell you why. When you press for answers he has the audacity to say you are controlling.

He's taking the piss and has no respect for you.

I'm all for working through one's mistakes and deserving forgiveness as no one's perfect and we can all be tempted, I suppose, but not if my partner doesn't owe up to his mistake and makes huge efforts to make it up to me, which starts with radical honesty.

HolliDays · 15/12/2022 08:14

I too would be furious, and was - it wasn't a loan I found, it was that he had remortgaged the house without telling me in order to gain collateral, which he then gambled. I had had no idea. I subsequently asked to see all his banking activity over the weeks which followed and he spilt coffee over his phone and tablet making them unusable, so I couldn't see. The lies and hidden money revealed during 2 years of divorce proceedings were horrific. Don't let him gaslight you. This is not your fault.

deeperthanallroses · 15/12/2022 08:16

I’d find the timing extremely suspicious. It is a lovely weekend away or very generous present and dinner amount. Also, do you really contribute equally to the finances if he didn’t buy any of your child’s Christmas presents? Has he paid half of the Christmas costs this year? If not id be asking him to transfer half right now, or the presents would just be from me and Father Christmas and I’d say I’ll just have to turn around after opening my presents and say now what did daddy get you? We aren’t married after all.

I suspect this is the beginning of the end, I’m sorry.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:17

SomeBeings · 15/12/2022 08:13

He's clearly behaved terribly but what do you think you want out of this? Do you think you want to split up?

I don't know anymore.

He's a very hands on father. He's great with our DC and they have a lovely bond. He also has other good qualities or I wouldn't be with him. Hence why I wanted to give him another chance after messaging the OW. I believed him when he swore blind on our DC's life he didn't sleep with her or go beyond messages in any way. But now? I'm questioning it all because this is just another layer of secrecy around the same time.

I don't want to give up on our family. But I really don't trust him. His reaction to this is bizarre as well.

OP posts:
Maldedos · 15/12/2022 08:19

Well if the car is in your name and you do split then sell it and pay the loan off and keep what's left.
Secondhand cars are fetching a good price.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:19

We actually have a counselling session this evening. I wonder if he will engage in discussion about this or just shut down / continue to call me controlling.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 15/12/2022 08:20

You’re not married and don’t actually share finances, you just share bills, I wouldn’t expect to need permission etc from a partner.

I would say the other issues in your relationship however are significant, and they do need dealing with.

notforme · 15/12/2022 08:22

Me and my DP have a similar set up to you with our finances. My DP took out a loan a few months back and discussed it with me first. So i don't think you're being unreasonable or controlling wanting to know what this money went on.

ImAvingOops · 15/12/2022 08:23

It's a well known tactic, when caught out, to turn it back on the other person and blame them. This is what he's doing to you now.

Luckily you aren't married. I know it's devastating on an emotional level but at least you can get out of this without being saddled with his debt.

I wouldn't give him the car - it's in your name, so unless the finance on it can be switched to him, that car should stay with you until it's paid off. Or you could sell it and settle the outstanding loan.

You know where the money went. If it hadn't gone on another woman, then a loving partner would be willing to allay your fears and show you. Having been caught cheating, he owes you full transparency - that he won't give it, tells you everything you need to know.

Honestly, your best bet is to get shot of him. What sort of useless bastard doesn't even buy his own child a Christmas present anyway? Especially when he's dropped £1k on someone else!

Campervangirl · 15/12/2022 08:23

Do you know why we have instincts?
To protect us, to alert us to danger, basically to keep us safe.
Animals rely on their instincts, fight or flight etc
Do you also know that the only species on earth who doesn't trust their instincts are humans, we make excuses, we dither, we ignore massive red flags.
You know there's something very dodgy with your oh, you've caught him out with the secret loan, you've discovered his affair, you know he's lying and gaslighting you, you've put 2&2 together and you're still doubting your instincts.
Get rid of him, do you seriously think some counselling is going to change him, make him see the errors of his ways?
Nope!
Relationships shouldn't be this hard, seriously op, don't give him anymore chances, bin him off