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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if partner took out a loan without discussing it with you?

229 replies

secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:39

Not married. 7 years together. Shared finances. 1 DC together.

Jus found out he took out a loan last December without telling me, as he left the statement lying around so I saw it this morning.

AIBU that when you share finances and live together you discuss these things openly?

Also can't get any straight answers about where the money went. I asked if there are any more debts I don't know about, he denied it. I said how can I trust that though if you kept this from me? can I see your bank statement to prove it? He lost his temper and said "we are not married and you are not going through my statements, that's controlling".

I'm controlling?! For not trusting him due to the secret loan and now wanting some sort of proof he hasn't done this several times?

So as not to drip feed - he was also messaging another woman around the time of the loan being taken out - there's about a month between these two things. We are having counselling about that at the moment. He swears he never slept with her and it was just flirty messages that went no further then fizzled out. But now my mind is in overdrive that he took out this loan to buy her stuff (it was around Christmas last year) and that's why he's refusing to let me see his statements??

Am i going mad here? And I totally paranoid and controlling like he says? Or is this not ok? 😢

OP posts:
ihatewinter2 · 15/12/2022 19:57

Sagcbots · 15/12/2022 07:52

Could he have a gambling addiction? My DH was doing similar a few years ago.

Same.

chevvyroo · 15/12/2022 22:01

secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:53

He also can't see why I've made a link between this woman and the money. If you've got nothing to hide you'd just prove it right?!

Oh he can see the link all right. He's just trying to bamboozle you.

sleephelp2022 · 16/12/2022 07:55

Tintime2022 · 15/12/2022 16:52

@secretloan my ex had an affair. He fucked her on my birthday in a hotel room paid for my credit card because he was unemployed at the time having dumped my kids with family members to babysit while he went off to do that.
I absolutely tortured myself for three months Going through bank statements going through phone bills. I wish I hadn’t bothered.

He never admitted to it. she did only after I literally put her in a position where she couldn’t deny it. Naturally, I became an abusive gaslighting Tossa. When history was completely re-written. Just save yourself the fucking bother, you know what’s happened. Death by 1000 cuts is not going to make you feel any better.

This all over OP.

Honestly, save yourself the time the effort the sanity dragging this on as long as it needs to. One thing you can maybe forgive but 2??

sweatervest · 16/12/2022 08:01

this is such an awful read.

the only thing i can say is as soon as you feel the oomph to end things the better. you're doubting yourself, proving yourself and from what i experienced that means that you're being gaslighted and that's hideous and you might think you're going mad (I did) (think i was going mad. not think you were going mad) and it's a horrible situation to be in.
married/not married it's still awful and hopefully you've got a plan. (I didn't have a plan so that's not come from a place of smug btw)

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