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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if partner took out a loan without discussing it with you?

229 replies

secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:39

Not married. 7 years together. Shared finances. 1 DC together.

Jus found out he took out a loan last December without telling me, as he left the statement lying around so I saw it this morning.

AIBU that when you share finances and live together you discuss these things openly?

Also can't get any straight answers about where the money went. I asked if there are any more debts I don't know about, he denied it. I said how can I trust that though if you kept this from me? can I see your bank statement to prove it? He lost his temper and said "we are not married and you are not going through my statements, that's controlling".

I'm controlling?! For not trusting him due to the secret loan and now wanting some sort of proof he hasn't done this several times?

So as not to drip feed - he was also messaging another woman around the time of the loan being taken out - there's about a month between these two things. We are having counselling about that at the moment. He swears he never slept with her and it was just flirty messages that went no further then fizzled out. But now my mind is in overdrive that he took out this loan to buy her stuff (it was around Christmas last year) and that's why he's refusing to let me see his statements??

Am i going mad here? And I totally paranoid and controlling like he says? Or is this not ok? 😢

OP posts:
superdupernova · 15/12/2022 09:13

That's not shared finances, that's shared bills. I kept my finances separate from my DH for years. Whatever I decided to do in that time (including taking out a loan for my car) was none of his business and I didn't ask for permission. When we joined finances and shared a bank account, that's when it become his decision too.

Trees6 · 15/12/2022 09:15

I think you need to separate as amicably as possible, OP. You want the trust to return but it can’t really, after cheating plus financial secrecy. It is likely that the money was used to impress “Laura”. In future, there will be other Lauras and if he cannot fund an affair with his normal salary, he will make silly financial decisions to do so. And you will be on edge all the time, wondering if it’s happening and with whom. It’s no way to live.

LeandraDear · 15/12/2022 09:15

secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:00

@Testina

No, you in fact don't "get it", at all! I don't want anyone to shame my partner or tell him off or be "on my side". I just want him to see how much I am hurting from his actions so that we can find a way forward together. I want a safe space to discuss things with a neutral third party.

Just because you wanted something from your counselling doesn't mean we are the same. There's nothing I've said that indicates any of the stuff you've concluded.

Sadly you are never going to be able to find a counsellor who will make you trust this man again and make him want to be honest and faithful.

DogInATent · 15/12/2022 09:16

@secretloan in that case you need a joint account. Shuffling money between personal accounts for joint bills and expenses isn't the way to run a railway.

The other question that crossed my mind is, sorry, going back to the flirty messages. Is this a real woman? - it's not just Nigerian princes that run scams. Men are far more vulnerable to online scams than they will admit. And the whole family-provider thing can be an ego foundation that makes money worries or stupid mistakes with money something that's very difficult to admit.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:17

Also just to point out that the reason all the household bills are in my name and come out of my account (with him transferring his half to me each month), is because after his marriage broke down all those years ago he moved in with me... so they were already in my name.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:20

secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:17

Also just to point out that the reason all the household bills are in my name and come out of my account (with him transferring his half to me each month), is because after his marriage broke down all those years ago he moved in with me... so they were already in my name.

And no, I was not the OW in this scenario before anyone asks me that. His marriage had broken down a good 4-5 months prior and he had been sleeping on his mother's sofa before moving in with me. I met him after his marriage had ended.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:21

@DogInATent

Yes she's a real woman, I spoke to her directly myself. She corroborated his story - just flirty messaging and nothing more. She downplayed it if anything.

OP posts:
Testina · 15/12/2022 09:21

secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:02

@Thefriendlyone

I didn't say you were the enemy.

I'm pointing out that my intentions regarding counselling are not what you or @Testina think. A million miles from that actually.

I want it to help us both move forward together. I've got zero interest in people being "shamed" or "told off". I just want to be able to trust him again so we can move forward with our family.

That’s not how it comes across to at least 2 posters. Which doesn’t mean we’re right - you’re the one that knows you. Words on a page, hard to get the feeling right - but I’d say then that we’re wrong, rather than totally out of left field!

I really think you need to reconsider the counselling though.

This:

“got gaslighted with the OW stuff too. This man makes me question my own sanity when he wrongs me. Every single time“

Please, do some reading around it not being recommend to have couples counselling with an abusive partner.

He’s not wrong to manage his finances his way. He’s not wrong to call you controlling for wanting to see his bank account. But he is wrong to flirt (at least) with another woman.

You say he makes you question your sanity “every single time”. So it’s a lot. Go to tonight’s counselling session on your own and start exploring why he’s able to make you question that sanity. On this thread, it seems perfectly clear that you’re a strong and determined women who knows exactly what’s going on. So use the counsellor time to explore why you aren’t acting.

TheTeenageYears · 15/12/2022 09:22

None of that accounts for anything bought or paid out for your shared DC beyond food shopping - he should be paying 50% of that too. What about when you go out - family days out/lunch/coffee/date night, who is paying for those?

Do you rent or did he move into a house you own?

Themind · 15/12/2022 09:23

Even om none shared finances it's not acceptable

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:25

TheTeenageYears · 15/12/2022 09:22

None of that accounts for anything bought or paid out for your shared DC beyond food shopping - he should be paying 50% of that too. What about when you go out - family days out/lunch/coffee/date night, who is paying for those?

Do you rent or did he move into a house you own?

We split days out. If we say have 2 a month, he will pay for one and me then other one. He just doesn't think when it comes to clothes and toys etc ... if I didn't sort that our DC would still be wearing stuff that didn't fit her. So I have to take that initiative. I've never asked him for a contribution towards any of it either.

He moved into a property that I rent.

OP posts:
mumda · 15/12/2022 09:25

Being in a relationship where you live together and have a child should mean openness and honesty.
If you have debt your partner doesn't know about you are not partners.

If someone can not manage their money they need help and support not to go into secret debt.

Neverhot · 15/12/2022 09:26

I think the relatively low loan amount of 1k makes it a lot more likely it was spent on the OW. If he was telling the truth, he would simply show you the proof of where that money had gone. I'm sorry op, he's a shit.

orangegato · 15/12/2022 09:27

OP do you own a house with this man?

TheTeenageYears · 15/12/2022 09:33

@secretloan you should start getting him to contribute towards anything DC related from now on. He needs to get used to paying out for those things as soon as possible. He's clearly not great with money so it might be better if you give him an idea of what those costs might be over a year so he can allocate the funds for it each month otherwise you'll forever be chasing him to pay half of x or half of y. You should not be shouldering the financial burden for your shared DC, the costs of which will only increase over time.

DogInATent · 15/12/2022 09:33

secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:17

Also just to point out that the reason all the household bills are in my name and come out of my account (with him transferring his half to me each month), is because after his marriage broke down all those years ago he moved in with me... so they were already in my name.

Keep the bills in your name, just pay them out of a joint account.

You've got counselling already in place. Raise these concerns with your counsellor in your private session, and let them raise the issue of finances with your partner in his private sessions. I would not assume that the loan issue and the flirty message issue are necessarily related. I've known some very tragic circumstances arise out of a combination of male ego and secret money worries.

Naunet · 15/12/2022 09:33

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 09:02

Op I think maybe step away from the thread, try to calm down, maybe a walk will help. Lashing out at other posters if you don’t like their answer, is not helping you , you’re clearly in a spiral. And that’s understandable , it’s hard when a relationship ends, but as said, we are not your enemy.

God, you’re incredibly patronising, I’m actually wondering if you’re intentionally trying to wind her up? You jumped to an unfounded and rather nasty conclusion and then accuse her of spiralling and lashing out when she corrects you?! Maybe you need a walk.

OP, everything else aside, you need to stop letting him off the hook in paying for his own children. From now on, he pays for half of all of it, they’re not your pets!

SarahSissions · 15/12/2022 09:36

I’d be livid. Both about the loan and his reaction to you finding out. You are well within your rights to understand 1)if this is the only loan; 2) whether he has been managing the repayments properly…less so where the money went but I understand that that is a concern.

it is gaslighting to suggest that you wanting to understand his financial position is controlling. You and your child are both dependent on him paying his share- anything that jeopardises that is your business, so you can protect yourselves accordingly

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:36

orangegato · 15/12/2022 09:27

OP do you own a house with this man?

No. But, ironically, he keeps talking about how we need to start saving for a deposit on a house as he's sick of renting etc. yet he categorically refuses to share financial information with me because "we're not married so why should I". OK..... but you want to jointly own a property with me??! Confused

OP posts:
twoandcooplease · 15/12/2022 09:36

It seems you want it to work more than he does.

I feel so bad for you being treated this way. I am glad you have a session tonight and it will be interesting to see what he/she thinks. What you've asked isn't controlling. It's only asking for the truth which he's shown time and time again to not be able to give you. Hence the having to go to therapy in the first place
If there's nothing to hide then he has made this a much bigger problem than it had to be.

Miserablehag · 15/12/2022 09:39

@secretloan it really shouldn’t be this hard - he sounds like a shit person.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:41

Neverhot · 15/12/2022 09:26

I think the relatively low loan amount of 1k makes it a lot more likely it was spent on the OW. If he was telling the truth, he would simply show you the proof of where that money had gone. I'm sorry op, he's a shit.

Exactly my point to him. If you're telling the truth about what this money was for, surely you'd show me your statements? I would if it were me who had been caught messaging another man around the same time I took out a loan he knew nothing about. I'd show him my transactions just to clear my name, especially as I'd be the one who created the trust issues in the first place.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 15/12/2022 09:41

Yes I would be very annoyed.

ItWasTheBestOfTimes · 15/12/2022 09:41

Does he have a history of gambling? Two of my BILs have had to borrow money from DH without telling SILs as they've spent the mortgage money on online slots or roulette, sometimes losing £100's in less than an hour. He's also lent smaller amounts to friends that have done the same thing. It seems to be rife. I've asked him to stop lending as he's just enabling them and we are unlikely to ever be repaid, which is annoying even though we can afford to lose the money.

He might be reluctant to show you his statements as you will see the gambling transactions?

bumpytrumpy · 15/12/2022 09:42

secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:07

@DogInATent

There is no shared account. We split the bills 50/50 (rent, household bills, childcare bills, food bills) and it all goes out of my account. He transfers me 50% of these costs every month, which I then pay from my account, except the food shopping bill which we each keep in our own accounts, we use one lot of money to cover the first part of the month, then the second lot from the other account for the second part of the month (ie we each budget for 2 ish weeks worth of food shopping).

That's fine but it's definitely not "shared finances" as you said above.

One of many real issues to address is you buy your daughter stuff but he doesn't reimburse half. That's not fair. It would be simpler to have a joint account where shared expenses come from HOWEVER with the potential state of his finances and the health of this relationship I don't think I'd bother right now. Start getting your own savings built up. Take more from his wage every month to accurately reflect your outgoings and prepare for splitting up.

As an aside, a £1k bank loan is weird. Most people would get a 0% credit card for that kind of spending. Makes you wonder if he's already maxed out on those ...