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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DB won't let me give his kids presents and has stopped giving presents to mine

172 replies

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:47

My older brother always used to get my kids something at christmas and birthday but since getting married and having his twins - all presents have just stopped. For the twins first birthday and christmas I sent them some lovely presents but I noticed that year he didn't get my kids anything. He would usually ask what they would like but sometimes I would text him with ideas. My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him as has always been the norm and 2 years ago when they didn't get something they were a bit put out (rightly or wrongly) . Last year he text me saying please dont get his kids anything as they have enough so I text him saying I wanted to get them something he was adamant I was not to get them anything so I respected his wishes - I waited just in case something came for my 2 and it didn't so I pretended he sent them some money to save the dissappointment of the last year. Same this year he has told me not to get them anything but this seems to mean my kids miss out. I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd?? Why can't we both give/send presents to our respective neices/nephews. I just don't understand the reasoning why all presents have been stopped and i understand it is his perogative but why since having his kids have my kids been forgotten. I still want to acknowledge his kids and want to give but for some reason he doesn't want me to!!

OP posts:

motherofqilins · 14/12/2022 23:07

yabu. you have two kids he has two young kids. given that the exchange of gifts would be of roughly the same value maybe he also just wants to safe the hassle if he does earn as well as you say. that text message was rather entitled and rude. if he already said no gift exchanges then that should be respected. I don't remember really getting yearly Christmas gifts from any of my aunts or uncles so your children were very lucky he used to in the past. I give gifts to my niece and nephew (technically my cousin's children) but that is because I want to and I would find it incredibly rude and grabby had my cousin sent me a text to gift money instead.

Yolanda524 · 14/12/2022 23:07

I don’t think YABU, I wouldn’t understand it either. I loved receiving gifts as a teenager and greatly appreciated it as we never got given anything other than Christmas and birthdays. I loved having a little bit of my own money to choose something myself in the shops. I don’t think I would have told hi. To give money though.

Rainbowsparkles29 · 14/12/2022 23:23

I actually think the most respectful response to this is 'That's fine DB. I appreciate that you've given my dc gifts until they're x age and would really like to return the favour to my nieces and gift them until they're this age too. I totally get that you don't want too many toys clogging up the house. Would you like me to give you some vouchers to go on a trip out together (cinema/theme park/play farm) instead?' And then I'd respect whatever response he gives. I'd tell your teens to suck it up tbh. With any secondary family member there'll always be a point that the gifts/money stop. Tbh I can't remember when it was with my aunts/uncles and it has no bearing on how I feel about them either way. I think if you are going to challenge this then it needs to be focussed around justice for DB's much younger kids than your teens tbh. Otherwise you will just seem grabby. The teens will get over it and should be taught that any gift is exactly that. It isn't a contractual right

Daffodilsandtuplips · 14/12/2022 23:24

Teach your kids not to expect things and while you’re at it, teach yourself not to as well..
Listen to what he’s telling you, he doesn’t want to exchange gifts, somrwspect that.
We stopped doing it with nieces and nephews years,ago, we have fourteen nephews and nieces between us,-eleven on my side and three on DH’s. We have two daughters with a big age gap between them and their big cousins.
My sister approached me and suggested we stop as it was unfair on us.
So we did.
It was strange at first but far less stressful.

MountainChalet · 14/12/2022 23:29

You sound very entitled and your children are becoming entitled as well. For whatever reason your db doesn't want to continue exchanging presents. Which is fair enough. You shouldn't continue insisting and requesting money for your children. Respect his wishes and use whatever budget you had for his kids on your own children.

BatshitBanshee · 14/12/2022 23:46

Wow. You're very entitled and sounds like you've instilled that in your kids too. They prefer money, do they??? How very, very rude Op. Your brother has made his wishes clear and he has his own family and dependents now to look out for and raise as they see fit. Maybe twins are hard, maybe they're expensive... Maybe they don't want to raise them to be entitled and expectant of presents.

Speaking of - when you lied and gave your kids money "from their uncle" - how did they thank him? A text, card, phone call? Any thanks at all?

Because if there was no gratitude for "his gift" then I doubly don't blame him for cutting off the gifts.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2022 23:54

Have yo u actually asked him why you're not allowed to buy anything for the girls when he brought for yours for over a decade? Use grown up words and have a grown up conversation rather than just telling he must give your kids money.

CynthiaRothrock · 15/12/2022 00:10

I taught mine for a young age that sometimes you get something and sometimes you don't, and sometimes a gift can be late. People cant always afford it at the time and sometimes they don't want to gift. My sil has 6 kids, me and dp have 14 neices and nephews between us. With sil we do gifts at the end of Jan, to make it cheaper. My sis and I have never exchanged gifts. And some years my bro might buy a gift for mine, some times he doesn't acknowledge their existance. My girls never excpect a gift, but are greatful for anything they get (even the peppa pig dvd mil gave to 14yr old dd)

I understand that you want to gift your nieces and it is unfair that your brother has put a stop to this. You should never give to receive, however I bet if he accepts gifts from you he would feel shitty not buying in return and thats why he has asked you to stop.

AiKayai · 15/12/2022 00:19

OPs taken it on the chin, all. See her update.

EcafTnuc · 15/12/2022 01:05

My older brother always used to get my kids something at christmas and birthday but since getting married and having his twins - all presents have just stopped.

Well it’s obviously the wife’s doing. She’s clearly brainwashing your brother and trying to split the family up. What a cunt…

There… is that the type of reply you were hoping to get. Didn’t work out well did it grabbymcgrabberson

Rewis · 15/12/2022 02:28

Tepp your kids that you and uncle have agreed not to exchange gifts. They are teenagers and should be able to understand.

If you want to spoil your new nephews and he doesn't want you to do gifts. Put some some money aside and give the lumpsum when they are 18.

changeme4this · 15/12/2022 02:47

Im mindful you haven't mentioned your SIL, so far it's been all about your Brother and your children...

With the shoe on the other foot, my SIL, living in another Country and who had a strained relationship with DH over the years, sent under sized clothing for our DD for a christmas and a birthday when she was around 8.

Postage was never cheap, DH felt there had been unequal and unjust treatment and issues in the past within his family unit some of which had continued on into adulthood, and generally when we were visiting the IL's it became very obvious our visits caused friction in the family. So receiving these gifts was super uncomfortable and we asked (DH that is) for them to stop.

Whether your Brother's reasoning is similar to ours, or perhaps a financial one, he has asked you not to do presents. You simply must accept this with good grace.

Ivyonafence · 15/12/2022 05:10

If it's more about staying in touch then get your teenage children to send them a card or make their cousins some cookies

knittingaddict · 15/12/2022 06:11

YABU.

He is right to speak out and stop the present buying if he wants to.

Over many years the present buying in our family has reduced bit by bit. When we had children we agreed with family members to just buy for the children. I never bought another Christmas present for our siblings, but I did buy something for my parents. My parents only bought for the grandchildren.

Buying for nieces and nephews stopped when they got to 18. My brother instigated that one.

A few years ago we decided between us all (us and our adult children) to do a sort of secret Santa thing. If we were all together Christmas had become a mountain of presents and unwrapping and it felt too much. Instead of buying for everyone we pick a name out of a hat and you buy that person a present. That has worked well.

This year secret Santa has been knocked on the head too by my youngest. We will have a nice meal together instead.

I like giving presents, but the pressure to give and receive gets a bit much sometimes. We all seem happy with the decisions we've made and no one has complained yet.

Sorry that was a bit longwinded.

Personally I applaud your brother for speaking up and don't see the issue.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/12/2022 10:17

If your kids are teens, TBH I’d have thought they were quite old enough to understand that buying presents can come too expensive for anyone who needs to watch the pennies. Especially now.
If they don’t understand that, IMO it’s high time you enlightened them.

Xmas1982 · 15/12/2022 17:03

Its my first Xmas with my baby this year and it’s got me thinking about years to come. (As we aren’t going mad this year with him being a baby most family are giving us money for his bank account rather than wasting on heaps of toys)

we have lots of family which I’m sure are going to buy DS Xmas pressies over the years. As a kid we would always have all our presents in the living room in the morning (from mum dad close family) to wake up to all excited that Father Christmas has been! But it sounds like all family are planning on keeping presents at their houses until we see them. What does everyone else do? Of course we are grateful for anything bought for DS. Just wondering what other families do and which gifts are from Santa etc.

Xmas1982 · 15/12/2022 17:06

Sorry added a post rather than staring new thread

Milly2022 · 15/12/2022 18:34

YABU as well as incredibly entitled. Teach your kids not to have such expectations. Gifts are just that, gifts. They're not a right.

MoanySloney · 15/12/2022 18:37

LaLuz7 · 14/12/2022 19:53

You don't need to understand his reasons, you just need to accept his wish.

Take the money you would have spent on his kids and spend it on yours. That way they're not missing out. They're teens, they should be mature enough not to take it personally.

This.

Patsy400 · 16/12/2022 09:33

I’d be interested to know what your brothers reaction was when you asked for money, for your kid’s presents.
I would be fuming. No matter how well off someone is, it doesn’t entitle you to anything.

EnyoClytemnestra · 16/12/2022 10:27

Do your teens 'expect' a gift or are you projecting?

LakieLady · 16/12/2022 10:35

Even if your DB can afford it, I applaud his "no presents" stance.

There's so much waste at Christmas, with everyone rushing around buying unnecessary old tat for everyone else, it's bad for the pocket and bad for the environment. And the stress people get into about it is probably bad for MH, too!

The rampant commercialisation really pisses me off.

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