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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB won't let me give his kids presents and has stopped giving presents to mine

172 replies

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:47

My older brother always used to get my kids something at christmas and birthday but since getting married and having his twins - all presents have just stopped. For the twins first birthday and christmas I sent them some lovely presents but I noticed that year he didn't get my kids anything. He would usually ask what they would like but sometimes I would text him with ideas. My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him as has always been the norm and 2 years ago when they didn't get something they were a bit put out (rightly or wrongly) . Last year he text me saying please dont get his kids anything as they have enough so I text him saying I wanted to get them something he was adamant I was not to get them anything so I respected his wishes - I waited just in case something came for my 2 and it didn't so I pretended he sent them some money to save the dissappointment of the last year. Same this year he has told me not to get them anything but this seems to mean my kids miss out. I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd?? Why can't we both give/send presents to our respective neices/nephews. I just don't understand the reasoning why all presents have been stopped and i understand it is his perogative but why since having his kids have my kids been forgotten. I still want to acknowledge his kids and want to give but for some reason he doesn't want me to!!

OP posts:
Dingalingo · 14/12/2022 19:57

Maybe he can’t be bothered with the mental energy of sending gifts and has decided to ke gifting within his nuclear family? People with large extended families can end up having to buy for tens of people (I know as I am part of one!) and if he has a busy life with twins I would respect that he may not have time to prioritise shopping, wrapping and standing in post office queues to send gifts. Hopefully he still makes the effort to show your family love in other ways e.g. meeting up, asking after your children. I wouldn’t stress about not getting some money in a card if you love your brother otherwise.

StickyCricket · 14/12/2022 19:57

I waited just in case something came for my 2 and it didn't so I pretended he sent them some money to save the dissappointment of the last year.

You gave your children money and pretended it was from their Uncle/your brother?

How did you explain that one when they text or saw their Uncle and they thanked him for the money and he didn't have a clue what they were on about?

ArcticSkewer · 14/12/2022 19:57

Probably the 'since getting married ' is more relevant than the 'had twins' if they are loaded. She probably subscribes to the marie condo approach to Christmas or does the 4 present thing or is just of the Puritan approach to Xmas. Your brother is 'under the thumb'.

Why don't you just ask him outright about it and have a conversation, otherwise it is all just speculation (see above). If your family dynamics are not that open, that might be why he hasn't just had a chat about stopping buying for yours and just stopped doing it instead.

Floralnomad · 14/12/2022 19:58

If he’s got twins in childcare he will likely be needing them both to be earning good money . I doubt you know the ins and outs of your brothers finances @saffy56

trampoline123 · 14/12/2022 19:58

Are you for real?

He's probably skint and feels too embarrassed to say. Just because they have good jobs doesn't mean they aren't hard up, that's the group that get hits the hardest but get no support and I'm speaking from experience!

Whatifthegrassisblue · 14/12/2022 19:58

You sound very ungrateful, especially asking for money!! Blush

Womencanlift · 14/12/2022 19:58

Surely no one is this entitled!

What message are you sending to your kids by asking for presents. Even if they don’t know you did it they will find out eventually.

Most people would be grateful of gifts being cut back. What they do or don’t earn is none of your business. And to ask for cash?! You are the ultimate CF

Howdoidoit100 · 14/12/2022 19:59

Why don't you just give your teens the money that you would have spent on the twins?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 14/12/2022 19:59

Probably the 'since getting married ' is more relevant than the 'had twins' if they are loaded. She probably subscribes to the marie condo approach to Christmas or does the 4 present thing or is just of the Puritan approach to Xmas. Your brother is 'under the thumb'

What? 😵‍💫 Blaming the wife! Nice

alanabennett · 14/12/2022 19:59

ladydimitrescu · 14/12/2022 19:55

Respect what he's said and stop over stepping.
I can't believe you sent the message saying your kids want money - mortifying.

I completely agree. That was incredible rude of you. Your children aren't babies, just tell them that you and your brother have made a decision not to exchange gifts, or just that your brother prefers not to.

zimmerreturn · 14/12/2022 20:00

Is this a reverse?

I'm thinking it must be 🤔

gamerchick · 14/12/2022 20:00

You asked for money?

Take the hint OP, he doesnt want to anymore.

VainAbigail · 14/12/2022 20:00

My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him

Grabby.

I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents.

Grabby.

How old exactly are your kids op? As ‘teen’ covers a wide spectrum but they’re still grabby.

UsingChangeofName · 14/12/2022 20:01

I can't believe you demanded money from him once he had asked to not do presents Shock

dolor · 14/12/2022 20:01

Honestly? This is one of the reasons I can't stand this time of year. Spend time with your family, cook lovely food etc, but the pressure to exchange gifts especially during the CoLC, is more ridiculous than ever.

He's got his own twins now. He's not expecting you to send gifts for his kids, so he's not being at all unreasonable.

Explain to your children why it's not happening, it's not going to kill them. Celebrating should be about family time and being together, not spending money people can't afford to spend.

MichelleScarn · 14/12/2022 20:01

Under the thumb because he doesn't want presents for his kids or hasn't taken part in the 'give us cash' demand!

TrentCrimm · 14/12/2022 20:02

My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him

I'd be embarrassed to think that of my own my children let alone write it, I really would. It sounds like he's already winning in the parenting stakes.

Cherrysoup · 14/12/2022 20:02

This can’t be real? How grabby?! He’s said no, for whatever reason, leave him be.

Testina · 14/12/2022 20:02

Demanding money from him? 🤣
Christ you’re special!
It’s no like he’s had years of presents off you and only decided to stop when you had kids.

Coxspurplepippin · 14/12/2022 20:02

zimmerreturn · 14/12/2022 20:00

Is this a reverse?

I'm thinking it must be 🤔

Me too. No-one could be so clueless, surely?

skippy67 · 14/12/2022 20:03

YABU, and so are your kids.

onefedupmum · 14/12/2022 20:03

You sent him a text demanding money?! YABU. No wonder he doesn't do gifts.

3partypics · 14/12/2022 20:03

If it's not money that's the issue, it's likely that since having her handful with twins, the wife has said fuck that to buying for your teens anymore, and left it to your DB to arrange instead (as he should be if presents are being exchanged). He clearly doesn't want the hassle.

KILM · 14/12/2022 20:04

All the people saying 'under the thumb' are you for real? Sexist shit. Wouldnt say it if this was a sister married to a man. Are you trying to say the sister in law is financially controlling? Because thats maybe not a jovial stupid phrase thing... but also quite a leap here

Suemademedoit · 14/12/2022 20:04

My siblings and I don’t do birthday gifts between cousins. Who’s got the time or money or energy for that?!only if we’re going to be seeing them on the actual day.

As for asking for money - that’s shocking!!

BUT not as shocking as your teens expecting a gift from their uncle. Wow 😱

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