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AIBU?

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Original poster

DB won't let me give his kids presents and has stopped giving presents to mine

172 replies

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:47

My older brother always used to get my kids something at christmas and birthday but since getting married and having his twins - all presents have just stopped. For the twins first birthday and christmas I sent them some lovely presents but I noticed that year he didn't get my kids anything. He would usually ask what they would like but sometimes I would text him with ideas. My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him as has always been the norm and 2 years ago when they didn't get something they were a bit put out (rightly or wrongly) . Last year he text me saying please dont get his kids anything as they have enough so I text him saying I wanted to get them something he was adamant I was not to get them anything so I respected his wishes - I waited just in case something came for my 2 and it didn't so I pretended he sent them some money to save the dissappointment of the last year. Same this year he has told me not to get them anything but this seems to mean my kids miss out. I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd?? Why can't we both give/send presents to our respective neices/nephews. I just don't understand the reasoning why all presents have been stopped and i understand it is his perogative but why since having his kids have my kids been forgotten. I still want to acknowledge his kids and want to give but for some reason he doesn't want me to!!

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 14/12/2022 20:26

they expect presents do they

well thats all on you-how rude

Purplechicken207 · 14/12/2022 20:26

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 20:06

I understand where you are coming from and reading my original message back it does come over very spoilt and entitled but it just seems very odd because he is their uncle and I have two lovely nieces that for some reason I am not allowed to spoil at christmas and birthdays and to cut all contact with my children at christmas and birthdays just seems really odd. Maybe this is normal that when you have your own children you don't worry about the other children in the family any more. I don't know as I had children before him but I didn't stop giving to my older nephews on my DH's side when I had my children. Also I miss being able to buy for small children as our family is mostly teens now. I have seen so much lovely stuff for little girls I would love to buy them - I know presents and stuff is materialistic but we rarely see them because they live at the other end of the country and I want them to know me and my kids and by just sending them a token gift this shows we are thinking about them.

You missing buying baby things is not his problem. And maybe it has nothing to do with money worries, they may just not want a ton of stuff, they likely have a lot of things taking up space, what with needing to do things with 2 babies at once. Or be fed up by people buying things they have/don't want/don't like (people always bought my daughter bloody dresses - she doesn't bloody wear them, take the hint!).
People have a right to ask for no more stuff/presents, and you show you're thinking of them by nice thoughts written in a card fgs. Stop being so incredibly disrespectful and grabby and just send a nice card, maybe give them a call around Christmas to catch up IF HE WANTS TO. AND DON'T MENTION THE BLOODY STUPID GIFT ISSUE
Get a grip

StickyCricket · 14/12/2022 20:27

Well I think it's evident that your children don't thank their Uncle when they receive a gift.

Probably why he's not bothering any more.

Womencanlift · 14/12/2022 20:27

Why do you even need to say that OP? I get the impression that conversation will be something like this “so kids, Uncle has decided he doesn’t want to spend money on you anymore. I wanted to send twin 1 and 2 something but he wouldn’t let me. Isn’t Uncle terrible?”

If they need any explanation as a teen then it is because they are entitled and that’s came from you. Most teens wouldn’t even notice

amonsteronthehill · 14/12/2022 20:29

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:52

They both have very good jobs and earn 3 times what we earn so I don't think money is an issue.

do you have any idea what baby twins will cost in childcare costs? and 'stuff' ... as it can't be passed down. Two carseats, possibly 4 if they keep them in two cars, bigger pushchairs, double of everything as they'll need everything at the same stages.

Your children haven't been 'forgotten' ... their uncle's priorities and circumstances have changed. They should be sending him and his family a card, not moaning they're not getting yet more gifts or cash.

ChristmasCwtch · 14/12/2022 20:30

I tried to stop doing a present exchange with DH’s nieces and nephews, but SIL insisted. It’s such a waste of time, as we’re swapping x number of gifts for x number of gifts.

She always asks me what to buy for my DC, but she never has a clue what I should buy for her DC, so I have to make that decision too 🙄

I really would prefer not to bother!!

moggiek · 14/12/2022 20:32

You sound incredibly grabby. I can’t believe you sent a text asking for money for your teens!!

ImAvingOops · 14/12/2022 20:32

I sort of get it - in buying for your children, you saw this as them being important to him and now he has his own babies, you maybe feel he has stopped caring so much and can't be bothered. And for you, buying for your nieces is a way to show love and build connections. Your brother is stopping you from expressing that.
It's unfortunate that him stopping has coincided with him having kids - you don't want yours to feel uncared for and you want to show that you care for your nieces. I think it wasn't tactful of him

mswales · 14/12/2022 20:33

He spent years buying presents for your kids, now it's your turn to spend money buying presents for his kids. Then you stop buying his kids presents when they get to be the age yours were when he stopped buying for them. That's what would be fair.

MrsOnyx · 14/12/2022 20:33

Maybe he's just fed up wit the hype and nonsense which surrounds Christmas these days and wants to cut it out. I can get where he's coming from on this - I feel the same. But why not just ask him what his reasons are and then respect them.

Tollumi · 14/12/2022 20:33

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 20:23

Thanks for all your comments. It has made me realise that my kids have expected too much for too long. I will just tell them that their uncle doesn't want to do presents anymore.

So, just telling the truth then?

Your brother hasn't done a thing wrong. YABU, obv.

I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents

You really are the epitome of grace and good manners, aren't you OP?

My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him as has always been the norm and 2 years ago when they didn't get something they were a bit put out

These two are chips off the old block, aren't they?

ImAvingOops · 14/12/2022 20:34

Fwiw I think 'grabby' applies to people who are just out for what they can get and don't reciprocate. I don't think it applies here - I just think that you equate the effort to buy gifts as a show of caring.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 14/12/2022 20:35

Well better that way round tbh. We bought our neice and nephews (8 of them) presents for years and years. The minute ours came along the family to stop giving presents to the children!

panko · 14/12/2022 20:38

ImAvingOops · 14/12/2022 20:34

Fwiw I think 'grabby' applies to people who are just out for what they can get and don't reciprocate. I don't think it applies here - I just think that you equate the effort to buy gifts as a show of caring.

But she wants cash for her kids. No effort in that.

Butchyrestingface · 14/12/2022 20:39

I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents.

Is your favourite film 'The Wizard of Oz', @saffy56 ?

Cos you've got more brass neck than the Tin Man. Xmas Grin

1dontunderstand · 14/12/2022 20:40

Why would you tell them their uncle doesn’t want to give them gifts?
You don’t know that
maybe he can’t afford to give them gifts?
YOU sound entitled

CrownTheTurkey · 14/12/2022 20:42

You sound entitled and you're bringing your kids up to be entitled op.
Pathetic.

MerryMarigold · 14/12/2022 20:44

Teens and young children are very very different budgets.

When your kids were younger the presents would be cheaper, then he didn't have his own kids. Now you have teens PLUS he has his own kids, I expect he realized the cash/ voucher was quite a lot of money, which he'd rather spend on his own kids. That's ok. I don't think your kids should expect from him and you certainly shouldn't be giving them your own cash and pretending.

Bananagirl23 · 14/12/2022 20:45

I can see where he’s coming from. I have once DC who has 10 cousins under 12. I’ve spent a small fortune on pointless gifts for birthdays and Christmas over the years. What age does it end? I think the teen years are a good time to stop.

Whatifthegrassisblue · 14/12/2022 20:46

If you really want to get his kids gifts then do that (BUT tell him you don't want any for your kids as they are now teens and he's been more than generous over the last few years)

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/12/2022 20:47

Maray1967 · 14/12/2022 19:51

He’s made it clear that he wants the gift exchange to stop. He may need it to stop for financial reasons. Either way, you need to respect that.

He hasn't. He's made it clear he doesn't want presents for his kids.

I never understand why adults don't just have a conversation? @saffy56 text him, whatsapp him, email him, call him and ASK. Does he just want to stop gifts altogether? Because that's fine but rightly or wrongly as he hadn't explicitly said it you thought he was still doing gifts for your kids?

It's not a big deal, and it doesn't even really need a reason behind it. But just ASK!

jaffacakeany1 · 14/12/2022 20:48

I can't work out if you're more upset about not having the chance to buy the young twins presents or your teens not receiving anything??
Surely if you wish to buy the twins a gift you could just explain that after your teens having received gifts for 10+ years you'd like to reciprocate without the need for them to return gifts to your now older children.

IamnotSethRogan · 14/12/2022 20:51

*I never understand why adults don't just have a conversation? @saffy56 text him, whatsapp him, email him, call him and ASK. Does he just want to stop gifts altogether? Because that's fine but rightly or wrongly as he hadn't explicitly said it you thought he was still doing gifts for your kids?

It's not a big deal, and it doesn't even really need a reason behind it. But just ASK!*

I feel like based on what the OP says he has been pretty bloody clear but the OP just doesn't like it

UsingChangeofName · 14/12/2022 20:51

If you genuinely want to buy some things for your little nieces, then you could still get them some books / little outfits / or whatever and just say "Please don't get anything for my dc, but you kindly got our dc presents every year until they were 11 and 13 {or whatever age}, and I want the privilege of being able to get some little bits for the girls until the get to similar ages."

EarringsandLipstick · 14/12/2022 20:52

Maybe this is normal that when you have your own children you don't worry about the other children in the family any more.

It kind of is, in my experience. I am the eldest of 4, first to have DC, they got a lot of presents. As my siblings began to have their own DC, they had less interest gift-wise.

Now godparents tend to buy gifts not anyone else.

I do still buy small gifts for my nieces & nephews for their birthdays. They are younger so easier to do & I like it. I have no expectation of gifts for my teens & nearly teens but often my siblings might give one or more of them some cash eg for a trip / event / exam results & that's always appreciated, but not expected.

You need to let it go w DBro, feel free to occasionally treat his DC if you like but you can't expect gifts for your DC

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