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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB won't let me give his kids presents and has stopped giving presents to mine

172 replies

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:47

My older brother always used to get my kids something at christmas and birthday but since getting married and having his twins - all presents have just stopped. For the twins first birthday and christmas I sent them some lovely presents but I noticed that year he didn't get my kids anything. He would usually ask what they would like but sometimes I would text him with ideas. My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him as has always been the norm and 2 years ago when they didn't get something they were a bit put out (rightly or wrongly) . Last year he text me saying please dont get his kids anything as they have enough so I text him saying I wanted to get them something he was adamant I was not to get them anything so I respected his wishes - I waited just in case something came for my 2 and it didn't so I pretended he sent them some money to save the dissappointment of the last year. Same this year he has told me not to get them anything but this seems to mean my kids miss out. I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd?? Why can't we both give/send presents to our respective neices/nephews. I just don't understand the reasoning why all presents have been stopped and i understand it is his perogative but why since having his kids have my kids been forgotten. I still want to acknowledge his kids and want to give but for some reason he doesn't want me to!!

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 14/12/2022 20:52

UsingChangeofName · 14/12/2022 20:51

If you genuinely want to buy some things for your little nieces, then you could still get them some books / little outfits / or whatever and just say "Please don't get anything for my dc, but you kindly got our dc presents every year until they were 11 and 13 {or whatever age}, and I want the privilege of being able to get some little bits for the girls until the get to similar ages."

Very well put.

WomanhoodIsABirthright · 14/12/2022 20:54

They do expect a present/money/voucher from him

YABU

TheMagicDeckchair · 14/12/2022 20:55

Actually I think I know what you’re getting at- it wasn’t the monetary value of the gifts as such, but the symbolism.

But I have young twins and I absolutely sympathise with your brother, they are all consuming financially and mentally. Maybe he is struggling with money, childcare costs and double buggies etc aren’t cheap and you don’t often get any extra help with two. Maybe the mental load of dealing with giving and receiving gifts is too much for him to deal with, baby twins are a massive handful and he might be exhausted and struggling to stay on top of everything. I can’t keep the clutter down in my house with 3 young children, sometimes you just don’t want more stuff as it’s more to tidy up and deal with.

I would try and find ways to build those bonds without gift exchanges. If you can see him and maybe do something like taking the twins for a walk to give him and his wife a break?

There will be plenty of time for gifts when they get a bit older.

monkeysmum21 · 14/12/2022 20:58

Maybe your brother wants to teach you and your kids a lesson that you really need to learn.

panko · 14/12/2022 20:58

IamnotSethRogan · 14/12/2022 20:51

*I never understand why adults don't just have a conversation? @saffy56 text him, whatsapp him, email him, call him and ASK. Does he just want to stop gifts altogether? Because that's fine but rightly or wrongly as he hadn't explicitly said it you thought he was still doing gifts for your kids?

It's not a big deal, and it doesn't even really need a reason behind it. But just ASK!*

I feel like based on what the OP says he has been pretty bloody clear but the OP just doesn't like it

Yes sounds clear to me.

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 14/12/2022 20:59

It sounds like they are having money issues. Even if they make good money doesn't mean they aren't running into problems. You shouldn't expect gifts. He's getting to be polite and is probably too embarrassed to admit they are struggling. More money sometimes means bigger money problems. You should explain to your children that presents does not equal love. I can't believe this needs to be explained to a grown adult.

DarkKarmaIlama · 14/12/2022 21:02

My husband told his siblings that we didn’t want presents for our kids and we wouldn’t be sending any in return. Honestly we just couldn’t afford it and we didn’t want to receive gifts without giving in return.

Just respect it. Your kids are teens now they should understand.

liveforsummer · 14/12/2022 21:06

Wtf - your dc are TEENS and they can't understand that not everyone wants to buy presents. Just explain that it's good sense to cut back rather than spend moment you can't afford in things others don't need. Although I feel this is a piss take. Loads of people have said to me on the last couple of years that they aren't doing gift exchange and now I've done the same outside of very immediate child relatives

CJsGoldfish · 14/12/2022 21:06

I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents
I can't believe you did this. Can totally see where your kids get their grabby and entitled behaviour from. I too would like to know how your DB reacted when the kids thanked him for the money he never sent them?
He wants to stop presents which is reasonable. I do like the suggestion that you convey that you'd like to continue gifting his children as he did for yours for so many years.

Goldpaw · 14/12/2022 21:09

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 20:23

Thanks for all your comments. It has made me realise that my kids have expected too much for too long. I will just tell them that their uncle doesn't want to do presents anymore.

I wish more people decided not to do presents any more. Does the world really need all the things that are exchanged at Christmas just because?

Good on your brother for putting a stop to it.

GiltEdges · 14/12/2022 21:13

I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents

😦 I’m almost embarrassed for you OP. You know when they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…

PrincessScarlett · 14/12/2022 21:15

Sorry OP but you and your kids sound incredibly rude and grabby. It doesn't matter why your DB wants to stop presents but you need to respect his decision and stop trying to force your own ways onto him.

And love that you are going to tell your own kids their uncle doesn't want to buy them presents anymore. Talk about making him the bad guy. If you had brought them up not to expect gifts or money then they wouldn't even question it.

You talk about wanting your nieces knowing you are thinking of them. You can do this by actually visiting and spending time with them rather then sending presents that are quite meaningless if they don't get to see you.

Wakk · 14/12/2022 21:15

I bet he was very confused when he got thanked for money he didn't send to your DCs

CapturedLeprechaun · 14/12/2022 21:19

OP, you said yours are teens? So they had 12+ years of getting money/presents, whereas your brothers twins are small, so you've only had to buy them presents for a few years, and now he wants to stop completely, yes? In which case, you are currently "quids in". Add up what he has spent on Xmas presents for yours over 12+ years vs what you spent on his for 2+ years - your brother certainly isn't being cheeky at all, it would only be cheeky if roles were reversed.

If you would usually spend £20 on your neice/nephew for example, then tell your kids uncle X won't be buying them presents and you aren't buying presents for the twins, but as you save £40 you are happy for the kids to choose something themselves from the money you saved, if you're that fussed about your kids expecting an extra gift

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 14/12/2022 21:20

You telling him your kids want money when he says no gifts is probably one of the rudest things I’ve ever heard. That is so rude. I’m actually shocked.

ConnieTucker · 14/12/2022 21:23

Bananagirl23 · 14/12/2022 20:45

I can see where he’s coming from. I have once DC who has 10 cousins under 12. I’ve spent a small fortune on pointless gifts for birthdays and Christmas over the years. What age does it end? I think the teen years are a good time to stop.

I stop at 18 with niblings.

Allsnotwell · 14/12/2022 21:26

I have 3 and my sister has 3

She buys hers gifts from me and I buy for mine from her -

That way they get gifts I know they’ll like and the cost is somewhat ‘irrelevant’

If you want to buy the girls gifts - then do so - you own them a few years of gifts! Or even open a savings account and put the money in there for something big on their 18th.

TakeMe2Insanity · 14/12/2022 21:27

Wow. I can’t believe that you told him your kids would prefer money! That’s wrong on so many levels. Obviously grabby and rude from you but it also affects his perception of your children.

In terms of why he doesn’t want to, you say he's older and your children are teens, so assuming he’s mid to late 30s, maybe he is trying to save money for the future (life insurance, mortgage or just cost of living etc) while also trying to adjust to having two children in one go and two sets of things to spend on.

Just shocked that you cannot read the situation.

Fishwifer · 14/12/2022 21:33

I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents

😠

JaneDoe98 · 14/12/2022 21:34

Think your final response was honestly quite selfish. He's repeatedly telling you he can't afford to get your kids gift and you're still pressuring him to do so. Maybe it's time you and your teens learn that Christmas isn't just all about the gifts. Offer to have a dinner gathering where everyone gets together. You shouldn't break him to buy gifts if he simply can't afford. Twins at the exact same time are expensive. He did in the past which shows he clearly would if he could afford it.

Pallisers · 14/12/2022 21:36

UsingChangeofName · 14/12/2022 20:51

If you genuinely want to buy some things for your little nieces, then you could still get them some books / little outfits / or whatever and just say "Please don't get anything for my dc, but you kindly got our dc presents every year until they were 11 and 13 {or whatever age}, and I want the privilege of being able to get some little bits for the girls until the get to similar ages."

this. If you don't want it to be a christmas thing, just send them a couple of books or whatever at random times saying "I saw this and thought your girls might like them - I miss buying for babies!"

If I ruled the world, there would be no presents at christmas at all. I love getting together with family. I like Santa gifts (funny/small/chocolate/out of a stocking) I hate the mandatory gift thing (and have pretty much abolished it in our family). I buy presents for my nieces and nephews at odd times when I see something they might like.

rainbowlou · 14/12/2022 21:38

I just knew you were going to reply with them having much more money than you!

Unless they sit you through their bank statements each month you really have no idea of their financial situation.
People who earn more can still be broke!
We asked our family to stop doing presents for us as a family a few years ago because we couldn’t afford to do gifts ourselves.
Nobody knows why our situation changed or why we made that decision but they respected it.
Or he may just not want to do it, either way his choice.

To say to your children their uncle doesn’t want to get them anything is petty, just don’t mention it and if they have audacity to ask where their present from him is tell them that’s not what Christmas is about and teach them some manners.

Musthavebeenbadinapastlife · 14/12/2022 21:39

I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents

WTH?! Grabby much?

Hes saying for you to not send for his because he obviously can’t/doesn’t want to reciprocate. Yours are teens, he has spent on them for years.

My own DB says I shouldn’t bother to buy for his. I do because I treat all my DN’s the same so will continue to send for all our siblings DC and DH’s siblings children too.

I don’t ever EXPECT something for my DC.

lightisnotwhite · 14/12/2022 21:40

Perhaps it’s more the time and effort. Do yours have lots of stuff already. Did they say proper thank yous for the stuff he previously bought.
Or do you make an effort as a family to keep in touch at other times of the year when it’s not about presents?
Cousins and aunties and uncles can have a lovely fun informal link to the “sides” of the family. If its just down to cards and presents twice a year it’s probably not worth it.

whimsical1975 · 14/12/2022 21:50

If your DB no longer wants to buy for your teens then that is entirely his choice - there should never be a big deal made over this, gifts should never ever be an expectation.

TBH your DB can't demand that you don't buy his children gifts. He can ask, but he certainly can't demand. If you want to buy your nieces a gift then you are well within your rights to do so... what he then chooses to do with those gifts when they arrive is, likewise, his decision entirely.

If you choose to send send gifts then this has to be done without any expectation of reciprocation. If he chooses to not give your gifts to his children, but instead donates them to charity, or sends them back to you, then you need to understand that this too is his decision. By sending your nieces gifts, even if you do so for 20 years and they get returned every time, then as their aunt you've done what you could.

Honestly I don't think it's even worth mentioning a "lack of gifts from uncle" to your teens. If they happen to ask then just say that there won't be gifts - you might want to take the opportunity to explain to them that gifts are NOT an obligation nor a right, they are a privilege and nothing more.

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