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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB won't let me give his kids presents and has stopped giving presents to mine

172 replies

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:47

My older brother always used to get my kids something at christmas and birthday but since getting married and having his twins - all presents have just stopped. For the twins first birthday and christmas I sent them some lovely presents but I noticed that year he didn't get my kids anything. He would usually ask what they would like but sometimes I would text him with ideas. My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him as has always been the norm and 2 years ago when they didn't get something they were a bit put out (rightly or wrongly) . Last year he text me saying please dont get his kids anything as they have enough so I text him saying I wanted to get them something he was adamant I was not to get them anything so I respected his wishes - I waited just in case something came for my 2 and it didn't so I pretended he sent them some money to save the dissappointment of the last year. Same this year he has told me not to get them anything but this seems to mean my kids miss out. I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd?? Why can't we both give/send presents to our respective neices/nephews. I just don't understand the reasoning why all presents have been stopped and i understand it is his perogative but why since having his kids have my kids been forgotten. I still want to acknowledge his kids and want to give but for some reason he doesn't want me to!!

OP posts:
mam0918 · 14/12/2022 21:50

How entitled can a person be... you are NOT entitled to gifts and teaching your kids a terrible lesson.

abblie · 14/12/2022 21:55

Oh i stop the neieces and nephews Christmas and birthday gifts last year its just too much and respectfully they stopped mine. When someone gives you a gift they feel obliged to return one and you can't afford it and if you don't return the gift you get posts on mumsnet about it... merry Christmas 🎅

Mybestyear · 14/12/2022 21:56

toomuchlaundry · 14/12/2022 19:55

Maybe they already have a house full of stuff and don’t want anymore

^^ this. Lots of DC get so much it’s obscene. In fact we all need to cut back on meaningless “stuff” IMHO. I prefer the “let’s go out for a nice meal” or a day out approach rather than swapping presents.

Ackity · 14/12/2022 22:09

I am the one who has stopped it in my family. My kids don’t need any shit from them (it really is shit too) and I don’t want the mental load of buying stuff for their kids.

respect his wishes, your kids don’t need a tenner from uncle Bob.

Elspethelf · 14/12/2022 22:11

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:52

They both have very good jobs and earn 3 times what we earn so I don't think money is an issue.

Earning good money is not the same as being in a good financial position. My husband and I have good jobs and made the decision to replace the windows in our home this year due to broken window seal’s which was quite the investment and a large monthly repayment. We then found out our furnace is leaking carbon monoxide and must be replaced. Despite good jobs this means my financial situation this year is not the same as last year. You really can’t assume financial situations.

I agree that lying to your kids about it is the wrong move. They are old enough to understand.

Original poster
saffy56 · 14/12/2022 22:12

I feel terrible now and although my intention wasn't to bring my kids up to be entitled I think I possibly have but it wasn't purposeful. They are good kids who love their uncle and their little cousins. We are a close family and we are all getting together at new year so I will make the most of being able to spend time together rather than the gifts.

OP posts:
Thatboymum · 14/12/2022 22:18

I cannot believe you text him back and said my two would prefer money ! Like the entitlement makes me deeply embarrassed for you and you’ve painted your kids to be equally entitled brats, not nice qualities in anybody. Regardless of my children’s aunts/uncles financial situations I would never ever just expect them to gift my kids and they are ridiculously grateful if they do receive, they wouldn’t bat an eyelid if they didn’t get. Give your head a wobble

WestwardHo1 · 14/12/2022 22:21

It happens. As soon as my ex SIL had a baby she ordered everyone it was to be presents for kids only from now on. As we didn't have children (and were struggling with infertility) it was a case of her expecting presents for her family while not buying any for us. She was loaded and knew about our infertility.

I concluded rightly that she was mean and selfish and just couldn't be arsed to make any effort.

Princessbananahamock · 14/12/2022 22:22

Macaroni46 · 14/12/2022 19:55

You sound like hard work OP. Why can't you just acquiesce to his request?
You say "My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him as has always been the norm and 2 years ago when they didn't get something they were a bit put out (rightly or wrongly) ."
That's a terrible attitude for them to have. Teach your kids not to be grabby and not to 'expect' presents! Jeez, I'd be so embarrassed if my DC had that attitude.

This with bells on xx

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/12/2022 22:23

MN is such a weird place- I would just ask my sibling what the issue with gifts is. Maybe because I’m from a small family but I suspect I’ll always buy for my niece and nephew and my sister would buy for mine- unless money was super tight. But you don’t have to spend a lot, it’s the thought. I don’t think it’s grabby to think the uncle whos always given you presents to give you a present. It doesn’t mean the kid is grabby.

lightisnotwhite · 14/12/2022 22:23

It’s her brother though. Saying her kids prefer cash is just a statement of fact not an invoice.
Makes it easier for everyone if someone wants to do a gift but has no clue what. Why get tat when the kids have their eye on something they really want. Irrelevant since he wants to do nothing.

Rowen32 · 14/12/2022 22:24

Oh my gosh, can't believe you said that to him, that's so, so rude and demanding

blackbird77 · 14/12/2022 22:24

The reason he wants to stop with gifts is irrelevant. It could be he can’t afford it, it could be that he’s sick to the back teeth of the culture of mass consumerism and vulgarity of excess presents we seem to have cultivated as a society, it could be for completely different reasons. For whatever reason, he doesn’t want to do it anymore and you should respect his parenting choices.

Asking for money when he has said he no longer wants to exchange gifts is so incredibly rude and classless as is your children expecting gifts as a right.

Perhaps the reason he wants to stop all the gift-giving is this aura of entitlement and obsession with excess and material presents you and your children seem to have? Even a five year old can understand that they don’t necessarily get presents from everyone they are close to and to be grateful for what they do get.

If you really don’t want to give up the tradition, just give his children a small token box of chocolates. You could always use the money you were going to spend on your brothers kids to buy your kids even more presents if you feel that is important.

Penguinsaregreat · 14/12/2022 22:29

Your original post comes across as dry rude.
Stop badgering your brother.
As other posters have said he probably doesn’t want a house filled with tat.
If you want to do something nice then bake food for his family when you meet up. Better still get your teenagers to bake too.

rosemarysalter · 14/12/2022 22:31

What a sensible chap!

MakeItADouble2 · 14/12/2022 22:33

OP, YANBU. Teens love gifts. What is the relationship like with other family members and gifts?
If your DC were adults it would be different but I think your brother is being mean. Not sure what you can do except ask him outright and tell him how your DC feel. You'll be able to work out more of what kind of person he is. Meanness is not nice.

LBFseBrom · 14/12/2022 22:34

Presents do decrease as children grow older, that is quite normal except for 'big' birthdays and special occasions. Your brother's children haven't reached that age yet so are missing out but I expect he would feel awkward if they received gifts from you and he hadn't reciprocated.

For all you know, your sister in law may have suggested the drop in gift buying.

It is an expensive business and even if they earn a lot of money, they may be feeling the pinch. Plus, with twins, they have other priorities.

Don't be cross about it or let it spoil your sibling relationship. there's no point and life is too short. It will all work out.

Mince314s · 14/12/2022 22:37

I think your easiest way to recover this is to suggest that instead of gifts you all do an activity together. Can be a nice treat for all involved and there's no tat.

getalifesonny · 14/12/2022 22:39

1- Presents don't have to be given only on christmas. If you like something for your nieces then just get it and send it to them whenever. I have given presents just because I wanted to with no reason or event.
2- Tell your children that the love of a person for them does not relate to how much gifts they give. He is their uncle and have given them presents previously. Now he doesn't want to give more and it's ok to stop. No need to be put off by it. And honestly it feels even more off putting from uncle's perspective when you say it like that.
3- Did your children show gratitude when they got the presents previously?
4- How was the gift giving reciprocated by you previously when you actually got something for his children? Were the presents you got for your nieces of the equal value to the presents your children got? You are saying about token gift. If you are buying cheap tat just as a token then it would be better just not to buy it.
1- I also like the idea of no excess presents.At times like this people end up spending on unnecessary things. He is right if he says that his children have everything. If you really want to get them something then instead of a material thing gift an experience. Mine like pottery panting when she got that.

Rowen32 · 14/12/2022 22:39

Children will remember your attention, presence and how you make them feel far more than presents, anyone can just buy something..
I don't want my children getting Christmas and birthday presents from everyone because it's far too much stuff that they don't need, maybe they're of the same thinking?

Beautiful3 · 14/12/2022 22:40

He's already told you, not to buy presents for his children. This means he's no longer buying for yours too. Stop buying for his children, he wants to end this cycle of exchanging presents. He has twins, they cost more e.g double toys/equipment/nursery fees/food/nappie/clothes etc. I'm sure you can explain to your teenage children, that uncle isn't buying presents. I doubt they'd really care.

getalifesonny · 14/12/2022 22:42

and you know what. I have bought my nieces and nephews many presents. And my daughter got loads as well from her uncle and aunt. But you know what they remember? Splashing in paddling pool with their cousins, doings crafts and baking cookies with me.

Flippppppp · 14/12/2022 22:53

Not RTFT but he’s exhausted. His wife is exhausted. Twins are another level of hard. And another level of ridiculously expensive. He’s trying (in a crap, indirect way) to say Xmas presents for nieces are too much. That’s ok. Christmas is about seeing the people you love. And I say that as a single mum who will get no presents on Xmas day but a bucketful of love.

phoenixrosehere · 14/12/2022 22:55

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/12/2022 22:23

MN is such a weird place- I would just ask my sibling what the issue with gifts is. Maybe because I’m from a small family but I suspect I’ll always buy for my niece and nephew and my sister would buy for mine- unless money was super tight. But you don’t have to spend a lot, it’s the thought. I don’t think it’s grabby to think the uncle whos always given you presents to give you a present. It doesn’t mean the kid is grabby.

I think it’s weird not to simply respect their wishes or ask for an alternative to gifts. What’s so hard with saying ok and leaving it at that?

Parents will do what they choose with the gifts regardless.

Tollumi · 14/12/2022 22:59

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 22:12

I feel terrible now and although my intention wasn't to bring my kids up to be entitled I think I possibly have but it wasn't purposeful. They are good kids who love their uncle and their little cousins. We are a close family and we are all getting together at new year so I will make the most of being able to spend time together rather than the gifts.

Well taken OP.

Hopefully you can all move on and have a great time together in the New Year.