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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB won't let me give his kids presents and has stopped giving presents to mine

172 replies

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:47

My older brother always used to get my kids something at christmas and birthday but since getting married and having his twins - all presents have just stopped. For the twins first birthday and christmas I sent them some lovely presents but I noticed that year he didn't get my kids anything. He would usually ask what they would like but sometimes I would text him with ideas. My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him as has always been the norm and 2 years ago when they didn't get something they were a bit put out (rightly or wrongly) . Last year he text me saying please dont get his kids anything as they have enough so I text him saying I wanted to get them something he was adamant I was not to get them anything so I respected his wishes - I waited just in case something came for my 2 and it didn't so I pretended he sent them some money to save the dissappointment of the last year. Same this year he has told me not to get them anything but this seems to mean my kids miss out. I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd?? Why can't we both give/send presents to our respective neices/nephews. I just don't understand the reasoning why all presents have been stopped and i understand it is his perogative but why since having his kids have my kids been forgotten. I still want to acknowledge his kids and want to give but for some reason he doesn't want me to!!

OP posts:
Pictograph · 14/12/2022 19:49

I assume he's trying to save money?

Shouldershrugger · 14/12/2022 19:49

Maybe your db and his family cant afford it

getoutof · 14/12/2022 19:51

I can see why he doesn't want to do this as exchanging gifts like this can get pretty tedious and expensive but a proper conversation before he stopped would have been a better idea. Saying that, he has sort of told you by what he said and by actually stopping buying for your kids. It's a good lesson for your kids I think too. Don't lie and say he's sent money.

Floralnomad · 14/12/2022 19:51

Just tell your kids that their uncle cannot afford to send them anything now he has his own family to support and stop being ridiculous . If you want to send to his kids just send something but do it with the knowledge that it will not be reciprocated.

Maray1967 · 14/12/2022 19:51

He’s made it clear that he wants the gift exchange to stop. He may need it to stop for financial reasons. Either way, you need to respect that.

panko · 14/12/2022 19:51

I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents and what did he say to that? That's incredibly rude OP. He's clearly trying to say look no presents. So why demand one from him.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 14/12/2022 19:52

Is money tight? Twins is quite a hefty extra cost, especially if you start getting into paid childcare. As yours are now teens I think they are plenty of enough to understand that they do not get to "expect" anything. Either way, YABU in your general stance ..his kids, his choice. If you don't and turn up or send stuff regardless you'll be one of those relatives who gets complained about on here as pushing in and ignoring what's been asked for.

Original poster
saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:52

They both have very good jobs and earn 3 times what we earn so I don't think money is an issue.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 14/12/2022 19:52

YABU. He has bought presents for your kids for over 10 years. They've not missed out.

This is an opportunity for you to help them learn.

FionnulaTheCooler · 14/12/2022 19:53

Your kids are teens, they will get over not getting some money in a card from their uncle.

LaLuz7 · 14/12/2022 19:53

You don't need to understand his reasons, you just need to accept his wish.

Take the money you would have spent on his kids and spend it on yours. That way they're not missing out. They're teens, they should be mature enough not to take it personally.

panko · 14/12/2022 19:53

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:52

They both have very good jobs and earn 3 times what we earn so I don't think money is an issue.

So you decided to demand money off him?

Judgyjudgy · 14/12/2022 19:54

Probably because he's had twins he has no money Hmm

NotSorry · 14/12/2022 19:54

He’s asked you to stop, so stop

hattie43 · 14/12/2022 19:54

He's clearly giving you the message he can't afford it . Dont make such an issue of it we're in a COL crisis and lots of people are cutting back .

toomuchlaundry · 14/12/2022 19:55

Maybe they already have a house full of stuff and don’t want anymore

Macaroni46 · 14/12/2022 19:55

You sound like hard work OP. Why can't you just acquiesce to his request?
You say "My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him as has always been the norm and 2 years ago when they didn't get something they were a bit put out (rightly or wrongly) ."
That's a terrible attitude for them to have. Teach your kids not to be grabby and not to 'expect' presents! Jeez, I'd be so embarrassed if my DC had that attitude.

getoutof · 14/12/2022 19:55

saffy56 · 14/12/2022 19:52

They both have very good jobs and earn 3 times what we earn so I don't think money is an issue.

It is still their choice how to spend their money. Your kids have had gifts for a long time and they sound a bit spoilt to 'expect' money from their uncle.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 14/12/2022 19:55

My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him

My teens know not to EXPECT anything from anyone. It's nice if they get something but there's no expectation.

I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents

So rude if he didn't ask!

ladydimitrescu · 14/12/2022 19:55

Respect what he's said and stop over stepping.
I can't believe you sent the message saying your kids want money - mortifying.

CFLandlordStory · 14/12/2022 19:56

YABU, he doesnt want to keep up the exchange. Explain to your kids, they are old enough. Cant believe you asked for money for them. Why he doesnt want to isnt really any of your concern and how much they earn has nothing to do with it.

RandomPerson42 · 14/12/2022 19:56

It may be DBs other half that is insisting on this, either way you can’t change it so just get on with it. You were very outrageously rude to say yours want money when he said don’t buy for his.

LaLuz7 · 14/12/2022 19:56

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2022 19:52

YABU. He has bought presents for your kids for over 10 years. They've not missed out.

This is an opportunity for you to help them learn.

Good point.

He's paid for your kids for more than a decade.

Also, were your budgets similar? Buying for teenagers will be way more difficult and expensive than buying for toddlers.

Rayn22 · 14/12/2022 19:56

Either way your kids are teens. They have had presents for ten + years so if anyone misses out it's the twins. Really cannot believe you asked for money! He said no presents so you need to just accept that! If you really want to buy for the twins then a token gesture.

SolitudeNotLoneliness · 14/12/2022 19:56

He' s told you he doesn't want to do presents for kids, he doesn't want you to buy for his dc so you replied that your dc want money from him??? 😂😂

What on earth is remotely festive about swapping cash about?

Your brother, for whatever reasons, doesn't want to do presents for the dc, ypu need to respect that as those are his wishes, not demand money from him!!

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