DB won't let me give his kids presents and has stopped giving presents to mine

[saffy56]

My older brother always used to get my kids something at christmas and birthday but since getting married and having his twins - all presents have just stopped. For the twins first birthday and christmas I sent them some lovely presents but I noticed that year he didn't get my kids anything. He would usually ask what they would like but sometimes I would text him with ideas. My kids are teens now but they do expect a present/money/voucher from him as has always been the norm and 2 years ago when they didn't get something they were a bit put out (rightly or wrongly) . Last year he text me saying please dont get his kids anything as they have enough so I text him saying I wanted to get them something he was adamant I was not to get them anything so I respected his wishes - I waited just in case something came for my 2 and it didn't so I pretended he sent them some money to save the dissappointment of the last year. Same this year he has told me not to get them anything but this seems to mean my kids miss out. I just sent back my two would like money rather than presents.

AIBU to think this is a bit odd?? Why can't we both give/send presents to our respective neices/nephews. I just don't understand the reasoning why all presents have been stopped and i understand it is his perogative but why since having his kids have my kids been forgotten. I still want to acknowledge his kids and want to give but for some reason he doesn't want me to!!

I imagine he's had enough of your nonsense and demands for Christmas presents. Good for him, you and your kids sound like an ungracious bunch.

What did your brother say when your children thanked him for the money they thought he sent? Surely he was confused?

Absolutely this.....my guess is they don't even thank him.

I understand where you are coming from and reading my original message back it does come over very spoilt and entitled but it just seems very odd because he is their uncle and I have two lovely nieces that for some reason I am not allowed to spoil at christmas and birthdays and to cut all contact with my children at christmas and birthdays just seems really odd. Maybe this is normal that when you have your own children you don't worry about the other children in the family any more. I don't know as I had children before him but I didn't stop giving to my older nephews on my DH's side when I had my children. Also I miss being able to buy for small children as our family is mostly teens now. I have seen so much lovely stuff for little girls I would love to buy them - I know presents and stuff is materialistic but we rarely see them because they live at the other end of the country and I want them to know me and my kids and by just sending them a token gift this shows we are thinking about them.

How did you explain that one when they text or saw their Uncle and they thanked him for the money and he didn't have a clue what they were on about?

Excellent point, but we must not be naive enough to believe that the ops kids would even consider a thank you.

Why don't you just offer to take his kids out and spend some time with them instead?

Your DC aren't owed cash from their uncle.

it may not be that money isnt tight but instead the admin burden and time involved in searching for gifts may not be an option for them if he has young kids and a demanding job? Sounds like he’s trying to save you some money too. I would just agree not to gift.

But whats stopping you sending them a gift. Just don’t expect gifts in return.

See I could possibly understand this is you hadn’t demanded cash for your own kids. That part doesnt add up with your “I want to spoil my nieces” story

You should be able to explain to the teens nobody has to get you a present, your a bit older now so presents to reduce and he is probably very busy with twins.

If you want to be close to the twins then spend some time them at Christmas without swapping gifts.

You sound very rude. He doesn’t want to do gifts anymore, your children are old enough to understand this, why would you tell him they want money. If your children are that spoilt/bothered buy them an extra gift yourself with the money you would of spent on your brothers children.

Good point

I may be wrong but this sounds to me like an anxiety over the connection between your family and his family. You want him to have a connection to your kids and you want the same to his. For you gift giving is a important part of this but for him it isn’t.
Could you find another way to build the relationships between you all? Days out? Phone calls? Zoom? Christmas cards?

You all sound entitled AF tbh.
YABU.

Right and also your kids want their cash..

So rude

I think it's very sensible.
My siblings and I mostly have teens now and, because it's hard to know what to get them, we all just give money. At some point we are going to want to stop, but while some of the children are younger we don't want to stop doing it as they've had fewer presents than others. In your case the person with the youngest children has said "stop", which makes it much easier to do it.

We stopped buying for nieces/ nephews once they started to got older.

You're probably right.

Nice little bit of casual sexism you've got going there @ArcticSkewer...

Worst scenario is they didn't thank him.

You are being very odd. It is clear that he wants to save money. He has asked you not to buy for his and he has stopped buying for yours. Simply tell your teens that you and your db have decided to not buy for each other as Xmas can be very expensive for families. End of.

Buying gifts for teens is not easy - even if you know them really well! Once it becomes a straight money transaction, you are better off keeping your money and spending it on your own family. The only people really losing out here are the twins (your two have had presents up until this point). In your position I’d just let it go and use the money you save to buy an extra gift (or give some cash) to your own kids. Take the twins a gift when you actually see them (then they’ll know it’s actually from you rather than disappearing into a pile of consumerism at Christmas). Definitely not worth falling out over.

It doesn't matter what people's circumstances are. If only people had more sense and all agreed not to exchange gifts anymore, the planet and our pockets would thank us.

When I read the posts here and the guilt and angst people have about not being able to afford lots of gifts now, and how they are tying themselves up in knots trying to say it, I have to say I admire the guts of anyone who says HALT, no more, it is ridiculous. You might as well buy your own present since it's tit for tat anyway.

Just being with the people you love, nice food, drinks and company is all we need. Or a Kris Kindle type of thing where only one gift is required is more than enough. IMV of course. We gave it all up years ago and we are still a close happy extended family. Can be done. I think everyone was quite relieved actually. Birthdays are a different matter, but that's staggered throughout the year.

Thanks for all your comments. It has made me realise that my kids have expected too much for too long. I will just tell them that their uncle doesn't want to do presents anymore.

Was that because you just reliezed your kids didn't say thank you to their uncle for the money "he" gave them? 😂