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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

304 replies

Evanted76 · 14/12/2022 16:28

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

OP posts:
itwas · 14/12/2022 16:31

i say this gently as you’ve suffered a terrible loss: YABU. sorry about your son

Hairybaker · 14/12/2022 16:32

I think (if it were me) sending cards is not necessarily the issue as it’s “the done thing” at Christmas and they probably just want you to know they are thinking of you.

I would however expect people to be more sensitive with the message inside (both the printed message and the handwritten message) and to keep it low-key/simple rather than “have an amazing Christmas” type message.

IamSmarticus · 14/12/2022 16:33

I am so sorry for your loss but in the nicest possible way, I do think that you are being unreasonable.

Trees6 · 14/12/2022 16:33

Hairybaker · 14/12/2022 16:32

I think (if it were me) sending cards is not necessarily the issue as it’s “the done thing” at Christmas and they probably just want you to know they are thinking of you.

I would however expect people to be more sensitive with the message inside (both the printed message and the handwritten message) and to keep it low-key/simple rather than “have an amazing Christmas” type message.

Hi OP. I agree with this.

LlynTegid · 14/12/2022 16:35

DH should talk to his family.

RoomOfRequirement · 14/12/2022 16:35

It's understandable but, gently, YABU.

TodayIsFridayHooray · 14/12/2022 16:36

I am so so sorry about your son OP. I mean this v gently, but YABU (xx)

panko · 14/12/2022 16:36

DH should be speaking to them. Why does he care more about upsetting them than you?

All he has to say is Evanted76 struggles with Christmas cards so please don't send them.

SerenaTee · 14/12/2022 16:37

I am very sorry for your loss OP and don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Can you speak to your in-laws yourself?

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 14/12/2022 16:38

Another very gentle BU from me.

ladydimitrescu · 14/12/2022 16:38

I'm so sorry op, for your awful loss. But gently, I agree YABU Flowers

racingcar · 14/12/2022 16:38

I'm sorry OP, both for your loss, the awful timing of it and everything you've been through since (and are still struggling with) but I do think YABU. If DH did speak to his parents then it may actually exacerbate the problem in the long run. I think you need to work on reframing this, look at these cards as "this is another person who cares about me and is wishing me well" and not as "this is someone expecting me to be joyful when I'm grieving".

GreenManalishi · 14/12/2022 16:38

I am so sorry that this devastating thing happened to you, it's such a difficult time of the year to lose someone that you love.

I think that if you question the intent, it's not meant to cause upset. The cards are a traditional way to reach out to people at this time of the year, and although of course you are greiving, they aren't meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry.

Sux2buthen · 14/12/2022 16:39

YANBU. I agree with you fully, so sorry for your loss Flowers

racingcar · 14/12/2022 16:39

panko · 14/12/2022 16:36

DH should be speaking to them. Why does he care more about upsetting them than you?

All he has to say is Evanted76 struggles with Christmas cards so please don't send them.

Perhaps the DH (who has also lost his DS) actually benefits from receiving the cards and feels better? He matters too in all this.

DirectionToPerfection · 14/12/2022 16:40

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree gently that YABU, the cards are sent with good intentions and nobody is trying to upset you.

Shinyredbicycle · 14/12/2022 16:40

DH needs to speak to them and explain kindly and clearly that the anniversary of your son's death is incredibly painful exacerbated by Xmas. So have a jolly Xmas cards are not appropriate and actually hurtful.

Is there something you'd like them to do instead? He could suggest that they make a donation to a charity of your choice 'rather' than send cards, so he's not saying leave us alone, but we appreciate you thinking of us and X would be better than a card.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Hope the holiday period passes peacefully for you and your family.

santasbushybeard · 14/12/2022 16:40

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

My mum died horribly when I was 12, two weeks before Christmas. I still remember seeing my dad in floods of tears when cheery cards arrived that year and the years following. I used to get upset too.

And that was my mother - my God, I couldn’t imagine the pain of it was my child.

Your dh needs to tell them to stop it.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

willithappen · 14/12/2022 16:42

Sending lots of love your way.

I think they are probably being sent with love intended and not meant in an insensitive way. I do agree if you don't want cards and find it hard receiving then ask your DH to let the in laws know as they may not be aware

iklboo · 14/12/2022 16:42

Very gently as well, OP, as I've lost family to taking their own lives. You are being a wee bit unreasonable. But I'm sending a card to my auntie who lost her son saying 'thinking of you with love'.

jevoudrais · 14/12/2022 16:45

Another gentle YABU here.

My brother died very nearly two years ago. He was 31. Part of why my grief is so awful is because it's so isolating. People don't get it, even a lot of family don't get it the way I do. One of the hardest things about death is that our loved ones are frozen in time as they were when they died. But the world continues to turn and we all deal with things differently. I'd be upset not to receive cards as I would think people are avoiding me, for example.

TakingControl2023 · 14/12/2022 16:46

Another gentle YABU, and I'm truly sorry for your devastating loss Flowers

The alternative to people sending cards is not sending them, and if I were the giver I'd be worried that by not sending one it would be like I wasn't thinking of you.

Maybe just a quick text to those who've sent a card?

'Thank you for the Christmas card but my family and I find this time of year incredibly painful. Please understand that although I know your gesture is meant kindly, I would ask that you don't send one to us in future. Thanks, Evanted'

HeadNorth · 14/12/2022 16:46

I am so sorry, OP, you can spot the well meaning posters who have no idea of the scale and long term impact of this sort of devastating loss. Tragically I do.

Your feelings are totally reasonable and valid, of course they are. What sort of person sends a 'Have a Wonderful Xmas Card' to the recently bereaved? Someone from whom you can expect no compassion, understanding or support. With that in mind, what would be the easiest and kindest to you way to address this?

I think you options are to bin the card, as you have been doing. You could then send a brief text saying - 'please do not send xmas cards in recognition of what a difficult time it is for us'. Whatever you do, do it with kindness and love for yourself, your DH and your DS. You have survived this far, you are amazing, you will keep on surviving. These insensitive people are worth the most minimum of your precious headspace. Thinking of you all xxx

Blossomtoes · 14/12/2022 16:46

As someone who was sent a card with Most Wonderful Time of the Year on it just after my mum died, you have my utmost sympathy. Your loss is appalling and you’ll never get over it. 💐 But the world keeps turning and people send Christmas cards. Your husband is very wise.

DesertIslandCondiment · 14/12/2022 16:47

I don't think YABU. 3 years is not a long time after losing a child. The Anniversary must be very painful.

Can you perhaps tell them that Christmas cards make you feel sad. If you can't say this then just put them in a cupboard till after Christmas.